My family likes him and his parents hate me.

[aprilbaby]

I have been hanging out with a fellow graduate student for about a year and a half. We are in the same department but we work for different advisors. We didn't start hanging out until we went to a conference. When we got back from the conference we started meeting for coffee, dinner, movies, and out door trips like skiing and hiking. Very soon, it became very physical and we had crossed the boundry of no longer being platonic friends. For some weird reason, I didn't want any of my office mates to know we were dating since they all know him. I guess I just didn't want people at work to know my personal business. Also, we weren't exactly dating. We were having a fling. I suppose it was out of loneliness and we both wanted companionship since graduate school can be very depressing and isolating at times and it was nice talking to someone who did not put on airs.

 

Well, for the first year, he didn't disclose our relationship to any of his friends nor his family. We were seeing alot of each other....like every day and night. We almost were living together. We live several blocks a way from each other. So our relationship was very convenient. I started telling my friends and family about our relationship. Afterall, people were noticing that I wasn't home nor returning phone calls nor spending time with friends. By the way, the conference that we were at was in my home town and I had invited him to dinner at my mother's house. So he met my family. Of course everyone was curious if something was going on between us and at that time nothing was going on. Mom's having an uncanny perception because she started asking about my ex-boyfriend and if I was still friends with him. She really liked my ex alot. My ex and I are friends but we only communicate via e-mail and an occasional phone call. We had dated for almost 6 years. So, she sensed that there wsa something going on between us before anything was going on.

 

Well, since this new guy never told his family about me, they started to set him up with someone during the holidays around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Since we spent our holidays with our families (in different states), I did not see him until we were both back at school. So, for the month of January and February, I noticed he was going home more often and something just didn't seem right. So, sometime in February, I was taking care of his cat at his place while he was visiting "his family". I was very suspicious that something was going on. There were a few signs and I did the unforgivable and I began to snoop. I looked through his phone book and came across a (female) name I did not recognize. However, when he got back from vacation I recalled he had mentioned her name in passing. And I accidently looked over his shoulder when he was reading an e-mail by someone I din't know. I did a bit of web searching and found out who she was. I didn't confront him until about a week or so later. He started talking about his new friend or having a friend from so and so. And I knew he was talking about her.

 

To make a long story short, needless to say, everything came out and we had a very long conversation. It got rather confusing because we never had defined our relationship. However, I have a few ground rules which he did not abide by or conveniently slipped his mind. No one likes being lied to. My basic ground rules are honesty and monogamy. (Life gets to complicated with multiple sex partners in additon to the whole disease issues.) He was seeing both of us at the same time. He would see her on weekends with his parents and I would see him on the weekdays. Did I mention that this other woman happened to be a young new collegue of his parents. His parents are professors at a local university and this woman happened to be a new professor working in the same department as his parents. They absolutely adore her. HIs parents have become very good friends with her and have nearly adopted her as a "daughter". I spoke with his sister and she was even a bit jealous of this womans relationship with their mom.

 

Basically, he was lying to everyone in his life. It really made me sick. The truth came out. His parents were not pleased of course. However, he never really defended me to his parents. His parents finally met me. It wasn't under the best circumstances either. I started visiting his parents with him on weekends. I like doing the family thing and I like the fact he is close (to some degree with his family). Then after a few months, the relationship betweeen his parents and I never got better. I could tell his mom didn't want me around. She clearly did not like me. I finally met some of his (platonic) female friends and they would tell me how wonderful his mother was and how she loves to cook for you, etc...

Well, I never got such a reception.

 

When his parents come to visit him, I am not invited to hang out with them. My family lives 1500 miles away and his parents are an hour and a half drive away. It's funny but my family always invite him to come visit and they live two states away!

 

I am writing this because I want to hear what people have to say. I know I shouldn't even bother with him. We have a relationship of convenience. I do really like him as a friend but we have this physical attraction or some basic human need to be physical that is difficult to ignore. I was prompted to write this because, once again, he has gone home to visit his parents and I am not invited. I am just saddened by the whole situation. I am not lonely however, I have friends to keep me company.

 

I just have never been in a situation where I was not welcome by my friends' family. I should mention that I am 7 years older than he is. He is 31 and I am 38. I have never been married and have no desire to be married nor have children any time soon. I know his mother does not like me because I am not the right one for her son. Well, out of all his friends, we have shared some intimate conversations and I know him better than he or his parents know him.

 

I thank those who have the patience to read all of this. I welcome all suggestions, comments and criticisms.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

You spend a lot of time talking about his parents and how they are rejecting you. My armchair diagnosis is that you are focussing on his mom's mistreatment of you because it's a good way to take your mind off of how your fling partner/friend/almost live-in/new guy is mistreating you.

 

You mentioned

 

I have never been married and have no desire to be married nor have children any time soon.

 

but that certainly doesn't mean you can't have a caring, committed relationship with someone - just not this guy. All you have to do is tell this guy so long and quickly get involved with time-consuming, fun new interests - square dancing, outdoors club, whatever. Focus on having fun, and secondarily on meeting people. You'll be happiest if you someday find a man who will satisfy both your physical and emotional needs.

 

And just a little rant...after reading Loveshack for about a week, I am shocked at the number of people, and it seems to be primarily women, who will settle for a purely physical relationship when they actually want one that involves caring and commitment as well. aprilbaby, you have lots of company. Good luck in deciding what you want and not settling for less.