having trouble coping with new attitude.

[zingy again]

i never thought that changing was going to be so painful, lol.

this is so weird.

 

the last couple days things have been going so smoothly.

he has been really supportive of my looking for a full time job.

 

he has not gotten mad about much of anything and when today he did blow his top when we were trying to hang this border in the kitchen we just painted.

 

then to my shock he came in and apologized for blowing up like that.

well it was about then that i realized that if he keeps changing for the good too, then it is going well it already is making it harder for me to indulge in my wanting to leave fantasy.

 

mind you, it is mostly a fantasy that i use when i cannot nor want to deal with his anger/temper or snide remarks or what ever triggers me.

 

so when he does not play his part i cannot play my part, and it is most frustrating.

i find myself almost wanting him to act up so i can indulge in my little escapes.

 

i don't know how to describe what i feel. maybe it is normal, almost like a death of something.

 

does anyone know what i'm talking about here?

just that i am frustrated and not sure how to handle this new feeling.

 

it was so much easier to just want to run away, but now it is like nothing to run away from, and all the more reason to stay and it is angering me that i cannot legitimately indulge in my fantast without feeling guilty now.

 

i do want him to change these things, as i doing the same thing, but for some many years it has been my little get away, and now nada, zippo, zilch.

 

i can't do it anymore. at times i have literally felt trapped and angry.

not that i want him to go back to his old ways nor me to mine, and not that i want to leave, it is just like losing that option.

 

oh heck, i dunno if i'm making any sense.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Yeah,I'm sure confused.

I'm trying to understand,so he apoligize and you are madder????

Or I'm I more confused than you????

[cindy0039]

Zingy - Maybe it's that you're so used to the drama that you've become somewhat of a drama addict and now you don't know how to behave or think when there is no drama. Just my opinion.

[moimeme]

Conflict furnishes one with adrenaline. You may be an adrenaline junkie.

[zingy again]

vash, yes you did understand me right. i think that cindy and moimeme are probably right though.

 

i have noticed that when we get along, i am happy about it, but a part of me still longs for the fights and the escapse route.

 

see when we fight then it gives me reason to indulge in leaving. not that i really want to leave him, i guess i would of by now if my heart had not played such a big part in all this.

 

but the constant battle between mind and heart continues. but of course when he is being someone i can live with, then my mind can't complain and my heart is happy.

 

but the instant he acts up so to speak, then my mind goes bonkers again and wants to leave here.

 

but then when too much times goes by that he is being so nice then i start to yearn for those excuses to leave.

 

cindy and moimeme, i think you guys hit it on the head! that was so logical that it is funny..

 

i need another outlet for those feelings other then beating my head against the wall lately.

 

this does not mean that i want to leave him, only that i am having like withdrawls or something, really weird too.

 

geesh talk about co-dependent huh?

 

thanks guys again!

[moimeme]

If it's your brain wanting you to flee, tell it to shut up and let you be happy.

[zingy again]

if only you knew how many times i've done that!

i will keep trying just the same!

 

you know today he is in a bad mood because he is doing some touch up painting and is being mad and cranky about it cause just when he thinks he is done he find more spots.

 

i've been cleaning and doing laundry while he is doing that. i told him i would of taped it all up first cause he is using this little brush for edge trimming and it is taking him such a long time.

 

so because he is crabby over something like that, yes i know it is tedious and time consuming but he wants to do it his way and not listen to me that is fine then.

 

but then he takes it out on me by these litte quips of his...then that is when i think, i don't want to spend the next 50 years or so like this.

 

that is what my head says, and at times my heart does agree cause it hurts there too.

 

oh well the sage continues and i am still working on what i need to work on..thanks for the suggestion though..sometimes it is valid other times not, i know that sorta contradicts what i say, but that is how i am always am, contradictied