gay opposite sex friend

[Just Angel]

Ok, I have a long distance friend who is a gay male.

I talked to him via phone once or twice a week.

The conversations we have are within acceptable boundaries, meaning I dont discuss intimate marriage details or troubles, etc and all conversations we've had can be easily done in front of anyone else.

 

Do to infidelity on both sides in my marriage, my hubby has all my passwords and acct info, plus access to all phone records and bills. (ie- no secrets/am transparent)

 

He is considering my friend as a deal-breaker in our marriage.

He says that any male, gay or not, is a no-go and a potential threat.

(oddly enough he has no issue with my lesbian friend tho)

 

One part of me is saying fine, I'll drop the friend because he is not worth losing my marriage over.

The other part of me is actually pissed that I have to give up something that I see as Hubbys insecurity.

The principle of this is far more important than the friend himself.

Hubby has never trusted me, even way before I caused mistrust due to my affair.

Im not asking to go out bar hopping or to even have lunch with my friend.

All I am asking is to be allowed to openly have a phone call discussion weekly.

 

Any thoughts?

[Athena]

How does your H explain it to you? Does he think that as a male, your friend might wind up having sex with you?! (he's not bi is he?)

I just don't get why your H feels threatened... your having a gay friend, is like having a 'really good girl friend'...

[sadintexas]

I love having gay male friends. They're the same to me (emotionally) as my good girlfriends, but better in the respect that you gain a male perspective on the issues discussed.

 

I agree with you that it is more of the principle of the thing, and I think I would feel exactly as you do, but I'm trying to see his POV too. Maybe the simple fact that he is male threatens him. Everyone that has been cheated on (and I think you said that both you and your husband are also on both sides of that coin) knows the little things that can trigger insecurities, doubts, etc.

 

Considering the past, it's plausible that he would be insecure about a male relationship in your life (however non-threatening we realize it to be). I think put yourself in his shoes, and if the roles were reversed and he had a lesbian friend, would you feel the same, and would you feel okay with asking him to stop the relationship with her?

 

What does disturb me though is you stated he lacked trust in you long before there was cause. Therein lies a deeper problem I think, which then puts you in a dilemma as far as standing up for yourself and not letting him control you for the sake of his unfounded insecurities.

 

The bottom line is you have to do what is good for you and what is good for the marriage. Best case scenario, what is good for one is good for both, but it doesn't always work that way. This is one you'll have to sort out on your own because I think there are valid arguments on both sides, and you being in it will have the intuition to read the situation.

[angie2443]

I don't think that gay male friendships are the same as female friendships. I think there is a differant type of vibe (I can't think of a better word for it) that exist between a female and her gay male friend than her female friend. I'm certainly not saying that the relationship is wrong if the friends are married or that they threaten the existing marriage. I just wouldn't compare the two and say they're the same thing.

[Lizzie60]

Yabutt.. I can see his point though.. it would be easy to introduce a new lover as a 'gay' friend..

[carhill]

Probably the gay friend kissing his boyfriend in front of H would seal the deal

[Lizzie60]

Probably the gay friend kissing his boyfriend in front of H would seal the deal

 

 

Hey.. if I wanted to stop my husband from being untrustful towards me.. I would go all the way to 'prove' that my lover is gay.. and I'm sure my lover would play the game so we could be together more often..

 

Isn't that a great idea !!!!

 

Hey. ALL MW OUT THERE.. GET YOUR LOVER TO 'PLAY' GAY WITH ONE OF HIS FRIEND..

[carhill]

Hey, I speak from experience

 

Seriously, OP, I think you have to set a boundary somewhere. Having platonic gay male friends is completely reasonable and healthy IMO. I hope your H gets on the clue train or you split up. Life is too short to live under such oppressive rules.

[Lizzie60]

I didn't say that I agree with him.. but I can see his point.

 

How would she feels if he introduced a lesbian friend as his friend.. she might have 'doubts'..

 

They both have trust issues IMO.. and they need to either forget about the past. .or move on..

[carhill]

Yes, letting go of the past. Very healthy. Also, very hard to do. OP, how is H doing? Does he seem satisfied with the friendships which he is able to maintain under your agreement?

[giotto]

your husband is being ridiculous....

[imagine]

Giotto,

 

Have you been here long enough to read up about "gay" men activities with one's wife.

 

Lizzie got a point. And FWW has got very little trust with hubby right now.

[Just Angel]

thanks for the responces.

 

I have no physical contact with my friend. He lives about 700 miles away so him kissing his bf in front of hubby wont work, and neither does the scenerio that I could be trying to pass my lover off as gay. (I do see your point there tho)

 

He knows that I have no problem with him having female friends, gay or straight as long as he abides by guidelines that we'd both agree on.

 

I asked hubby that we wait until we can bring this topic to a marriage counciller before giving me such an ultimatium. Responce was that he thinks its wrong and no one will ever change his mind- even tho he readily agrees he has insecurity issues, etc.

 

I do love him and my heart is breaking over this.

 

BUT- if I were in a different stage in life this would be a no-brainer and I'd be out yesterday. However, im 35 and pregnant with our 7th child. Have never worked outside the home or even changed a tire.

Starting over at this point is nothing less than terrifying.

[boldjack]

Gee, Lizz, I think I'll try that. But won't me squeezing her boob sort of destroy the illusion?

[carhill]

Whoa, seven kids....hmm...

[GorillaTheater]

Whoa, seven kids....hmm...

 

One more and she can be an "honorary gorilla".

[carhill]

I can definitely see why the OP is considering her options carefully. That's a huge responsibility.

 

Considering the distance and lack of physical contact, I'm starting to see this as a tempest in a teapot for H. Much ado about nothing.....

[imagine]

One question: Do you share more info with this person than your husband?

[mockeryjones]

drop the friend

 

if he honestly cares about you as a friend then he will be ok with you doing what you have to do to preserve the integrity of your family.

 

you made a vow to your husband, not to your friend. you built a family with your husband, not with your friend.

 

is your husband being unreasonable? perhaps, but so what?

 

let's just say you stand your ground over this issue and refuse to cut the phone calls out. what are the real world results of such actions other than giving you a few moments of satisfaction at preserving your autonomy? is it worth a divorce? is it worth 50% less time with your children? is it worth 6 kids growing up in a broken home?

 

you are both being extremely selfish here. he's already drawn his line in the sand. it's now up to you to decide whether you will stay with him on what he considers the right side of the line to be or whether you will cross it.

[calazhage]

Can he have gay female friends?