Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Good points, Isolde!! Yes, I know there are many different types of suburbs, and many different types of people. And yes, people can be very shallow in the city as well. Shallow in a different way. I think my main point was that it seems like the "keeping up with the Jones's" phenomenom seems to play itself out more in the burbs. No one give a crap what kind of car you drive here. No one cares if you live in a studio. In the burbs, it just seems to be all about what neighborhood you live in, etc. I know, I grew up in one of those places. The last time I went home, people were asking me questions like , how many square feet is your apartment? No one I know gives a crap how many square feet is your apartment. Can you get to the bar in 15 minutes? Ok. Now that's a valid question Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I moved from a very big city to a more midsize city and the difference in dating styles is tremendous. I don't even live in the suburbs! I truly believe that there is an equal trade off in both cases. Bigger city = more people to meet and easier to meet them, people are more adventurous and openminded, BUT people are flighty and can be pretentious. Smaller city = fewer singles, culture of marrying young, people less adventurous and more in the box thinking, BUT are more stable, reliable, polite to strangers, and less pretentious. CB, to be fair, I think there is a tremendous difference in culture depending on what suburb you're talking about. They vary in style, depending on what city they center upon, whether they're closer to being rural or urban, how educated the locals are... the list goes on and on. Some suburbs are incredibly vibrant, while others are little more than a collection of rusty strip malls. All good points, I experienced the same transition and after some initial frustration - like it (except for the marrying young part). Brand new suburbs are the worst for sure. The best of both worlds probably is a historical downtown neighborhood in a mid-sized city, - still all single family houses, but with some street life, front porches, and an occasional amenity or place to eat. Shocking, I know . Authentic small towns can be great places to live too... The big city is great and given a choice I'd move back (Chicago !!!), but as far as relationships are concerned, it offers too many distractions and thus many relationships end up somewhat superficial. I've always found the bar scene very, very depressing. On the other hand, suburbs could be scary too. The keeping up with the jonesess phenomenon would be annoying, if it wasn't amusing to compute how deep in debt some people are . Definitely not a place for a single person. Anyway, the balance is hard, but let's take a leap of faith and hope it's, possible . At the end of the day, where you live matters, but is still secondary to whether your life is in order . Also, small town may not eve have real bars, but they have road houses, which is a special kind of wonderful. A place to quietly comfort your inner badass after sending the girlfriend home after some antique shopping . Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Good points Sam S. I totally agree with you on that midsize city historical neighborhood being an ideal place to settle down with a family. Close to culture yet a short drive away from the countryside. But for single twenty-somethings, I can't help thinking that big city or commuter suburb is better. Sigh. As I said, tradeoffs. You can't optimize everything, sometimes you just need to do the best with what you have, and keep your life in order, regardless of your dating options. You're from Europe, right? European men are so adventurous, literate and laid back. Plus I love the plaza/cafe culture. Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Good points Sam S. I totally agree with you on that midsize city historical neighborhood being an ideal place to settle down with a family. Close to culture yet a short drive away from the countryside. But for single twenty-somethings, I can't help thinking that big city or commuter suburb is better. Sigh. As I said, tradeoffs. You can't optimize everything, sometimes you just need to do the best with what you have, and keep your life in order, regardless of your dating options. You're from Europe, right? European men are so adventurous, literate and laid back. Plus I love the plaza/cafe culture. Well thank you ma'am, but let me warn you that we have rednecks too . Watch out for guys in colorful sneakers, scarves, cargo pants, laying it on thick . (And then there's the next level - track suits and ethnic music, and dabbling in low-level organized cime . All true stories .) The lack of street life in most american cities is by far the harderst thing I had to adjust to, even 8 years later. As tempting as it is to say that compadres are cooler cats, period, merely the environment you grow up in makes a difference. All else equal, of course the easy availability of diverse cultural and social stimulation will mold one into a generally more intriguing person than somebody forced to grow up in pretty much prefab environment... Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Yes your experience is the only one and the opposite never happens. Do you not see the irony in your own argument? You lamenate about the injustice for "nice men" and say that they only act a certain way because of the evil women but don't acknowledge that men have their own form of picking the "bad girl" or that men have their own choices in how they behave. Just because men might pick the bad hot girl doesn't give women an excuse to act like douches. Or vice-versa. I am sure there are other experiences out there then mine but I have experienced alot of men who whine about how nice they are when they either aren't that nice or are just doormats. And I think if you talk to other women, you will find that my experience isn't unique. Everyone is susceptible but women are more susceptible in my opinion (movies, TV, etc. I mean just look at how many compare their lives to Sex and the City lol) Who compare's their life to Sex and the City in any amount of seriousness? Do alot of women like the idea of living an exciting life in the city full of great clothes and shoes? Sure. What's not to like. At least women don't ask you to live out a Sex in the City fantasy to the degree men ask their female partners to copy porn. Talk about being susceptible ot opinions catered to men and male expectations. Men are very susceptiable to such movie, tv, media opinions. Lastly, Cherry I 100% disagree with you about women in the city vs suburbs. I know for a fact that city living is more driven, competitive and about out-doing the Jones. There are also more options that makes dating more difficult in the city. It's much easier to person hop just like you would bar hop then developing a relationship one on one. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 .... I have experienced alot of men who whine about how nice they are when they either aren't that nice or are just doormats. This seems to sum up many American womens view of men, either we're (desirable but trouble) bad boys or unattractive doormats. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 IMBRA tells me a lot of American women and their pet manginas don't like it much overall. Really, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Really, why not? I'm not sure what the motive is but it's likely rooted in a combination of jealousy and pragmatism combined with a smattering of racism and cultural snobbery. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Not a bad practice, but its not about how nice you are to them - its about chemistry, plain and simple. Everything else falls under chemistry. Without it, doesn't matter how nice or not you are. Regardless of how much chemistry you may or may not have, use your niceness sparingly - not every woman deserves it or has earned it. Chemistry isn't some ethereal, intangible thing. I make it. As a meet someone new I begin to try and figure out what type of chemistry the woman is looking for, and when I get a pretty good idea, I provide it. I would say the type of chemistry that is the hardest for me to generate is the... opposites attract type. I can do it, but it can be taxing and sometimes come across as fake. Besides the majority of women who are looking for that type of chemistry have zero self esteem and are not good long term partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Good points Sam S. I totally agree with you on that midsize city historical neighborhood being an ideal place to settle down with a family. Close to culture yet a short drive away from the countryside. But for single twenty-somethings, I can't help thinking that big city or commuter suburb is better. Sigh. As I said, tradeoffs. You can't optimize everything, sometimes you just need to do the best with what you have, and keep your life in order, regardless of your dating options. You're from Europe, right? European men are so adventurous, literate and laid back. Plus I love the plaza/cafe culture. IMHO, I don't like inner city dating much. Ghetto women are just not quality. I think the best place to date is either the suburbs or the rural areas. Both areas have smaller dating pools, but much higher quality people. I should say as a caveat that I hate social climbers and the trendy city neighborhoods seem to be packed to the gills with them. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not sure what the motive is but it's likely rooted in a combination of jealousy and pragmatism combined with a smattering of racism and cultural snobbery. Really? Most of the women I know like their foreign sisters and don't feel jealous of them at all. There are plenty of American men to go around. the foreign women I know are both beautiful and intelligent. I could see how any man (American or not) would be attracted to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I should say as a caveat that I hate social climbers and the trendy city neighborhoods seem to be packed to the gills with them. I don't like yuppies/faux bohemianism either, but the problem with many suburban and exurban communities is the lack of creative ambition (vs. material ambition). So again, everyone is looking at a trade off, where the place they live has some benefits and some costs. If I ever have a family, I will want to live in a suburb because at that point, my needs and values will change. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Chemistry isn't some ethereal, intangible thing. I make it. As a meet someone new I begin to try and figure out what type of chemistry the woman is looking for, and when I get a pretty good idea, I provide it. I would say the type of chemistry that is the hardest for me to generate is the... opposites attract type. I can do it, but it can be taxing and sometimes come across as fake. Besides the majority of women who are looking for that type of chemistry have zero self esteem and are not good long term partners. I don't try to create chemistry for women, I get out, be myself and every now and then, I meet someone whose personality and chemistry match up very nicely - just can't force it. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Really? Most of the women I know like their foreign sisters and don't feel jealous of them at all. There are plenty of American men to go around. If that's true then why try to erect barriers to prevent American men easily interacting and dating foreign women? Why do that? IMBRA is the dating equivalent of an import tariff. It's a dating tax on foreign women directed straight at American men who are looking for an alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Wow, things sure have changed since my days on the RWL. Back then, the hardest part was getting into the FSU countries. DHS, indeed. Good day, comrade citizen. Just another reason to ex-pat. Wish there was a thumbs-down thingie to insert here.... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 If that's true then why try to erect barriers to prevent American men easily interacting and dating foreign women? Why do that? IMBRA is the dating equivalent of an import tariff. It's a dating tax on foreign women directed straight at American men who are looking for an alternative. I'm not that familiar with IMBRA. Are women the head of that organization? I think it's wrong to try to keep American men from dating and marrying foreign women and so do my friends. I know my single girl friends would have a fit if someone tried to keep them from dating hot foreign guys. Does the same tariff apply to women seeking foreign husbands? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Marriage_Broker_Regulation_Act Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 No. They should keep their options open, though - just as American women should too - but the question is about we guys. I think American women sometimes make it difficult to date, sometimes through no fault of their own, rather through dating a whole lot of bad guys, bad experiences and then hating men because of it. I like my fellow American women and admit that I have not met every woman but I understand the difficulties that guys on here face - lets discuss a few issues that men have with dating American women - Chemistry - either it happens or it doesn't. You can't force it or fake it. No chemistry -> "he's a nice guy, but..." when the chemistry is good, a woman will make it easy for the guy she's interested in. Foreign women in many countries still openly like men and American men. They seem to be more relaxed about guys, don't keep their guard up but have their wits about them, so they won't make bad decisions. Shared backgrounds/values - women from foreign countries often still grow up in nuclear families - with a mom, dad and siblings. Sadly, more and more women (and guys) here grow up with a single parent - which they do successfully - but experience different things. How one grows up ultimately affects their dating habits. A woman who grew up without parents, travelling from different foster homes might not be compatible with a man who grew up with a tightly knit family etc. Bottom line - women from foreign countries are often more family oriented than women here - and at some point in their lives, we guys get primal urges to create families. Challenges? The stereotype that foreign women marry for citizenship, economic status, life-style improvement, which is a stereotype because their is truth behind it. Cultural differences. While foreign women may match american men in terms of family values, cultural differences are always a source of friction - but this can be overcome in time with education, activities etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I don't like yuppies/faux bohemianism either, but the problem with many suburban and exurban communities is the lack of creative ambition (vs. material ambition). So again, everyone is looking at a trade off, where the place they live has some benefits and some costs. If I ever have a family, I will want to live in a suburb because at that point, my needs and values will change. Creative ambition? Are you thinking in terms of artists and such? While I enjoy the arts, I sometimes don't enjoy artistic people. The areas in my city where the artists live tend to be very trendy and fashion oriented. I just have this thing against snobby people... especially when I don't feel like they contribute much to society. I don't care about a dress with new frills, how does that help anyones life? Why should they be so snobby when a garbage man or engineer does more for the world? I don't try to create chemistry for women' date=' I get out, be myself and every now and then, I meet someone whose personality and chemistry match up very nicely - just can't force it.[/quote'] I don't think of myself as faking it. Nomatter what I say and do, I am always myself. Sometimes I am more in line with my core personality than others, but I am always me. I will try hard to generate chemistry for the first few dates... I don't lie or fake things... merely emphasize aspects of myself that will create a connection. If things don't seem to be clicking in later dates... then I end things. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not that familiar with IMBRA. Are women the head of that organization? I think it's wrong to try to keep American men from dating and marrying foreign women and so do my friends. I know my single girl friends would have a fit if someone tried to keep them from dating hot foreign guys. Does the same tariff apply to women seeking foreign husbands? American women are not likely to beat or murder the foreign men they marry. Just suck them dry financially. IMBRA it seems was created to protect foreign women from domestic abusers here in the states. It's a good law! I would not call it a tariff. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm not that familiar with IMBRA. It's a "Marriage Broker" law that only applies to Americans seeking foreigners for marriage. It essentially assumes every American man is an abusive felon and requires him to submit to a background check before CONTACTING a foreigner among other things. It does not apply to Americans who want to contact other Americans. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 IMBRA it seems was created to protect foreign women from domestic abusers here in the states. It's a good law! If it's good, why don't places like the personals pages and Yahoo personals have to do it for Americans who want to date other Americans? Do you think American men should be required to submit to a background check before they can talk to a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 American women are not likely to beat or murder the foreign men they marry. Just suck them dry financially. Would foreign men beat or murder American women? I don't have any information on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Something only our truly twisted up government could think up Fortunately, the FSU women I'm still in contact with don't need no bra's to talk to me Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Do you think American men should be required to submit to a background check before they can talk to a woman? Should all people involved, men and women, be required to go through background checks before meeting? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts