Lets be honest...

[SummerLady]

I know this may sound childish but I am not going to let myself get involved enough with someone again to ever give them a chance to hurt me. If that means no dating then so be it.

 

I am run through the wringer and I have nothing left to give anyone. Not even myself. I am emotionally and physically drained. Even spiritually there is nothing. I feel like one big empty shell and I really don't want to fill that void with another person. I prefer to be alone.

 

People talk about getting better so they can accept someone again in their life. Why would you want to do that? Why set yourself up to be hurt again? Looking for another man or woman is like standing on a train track. You know a train is coming sometime, you are not sure when, but it is coming and it is going to hurt like heck when it hits you, then it will speed on and not stop.

 

No way no second chance no first chance is what I am giving any person that comes in my life. Not even a first chance to hurt me.

 

This is a normal feeling and you recognize it. Some of us do not and jump right back in a relationship, called the rebound. You would never put yourself out there again to get hurt and give what you gave before, so you put this defense up and carry on, like a solider with a wound that keeps fighting. Oh the memories. I married my rebound, so so dumb. I did not recognize what you did and just carried on in this mode like yeah I can get right back out there like nothing. Becuase you acknowledge this you are on your way. If you work through it and not mask it with another relationship you can heal and maybe in time you will change your mind and maybe you won't. BUT at least if you change your mind you will be where you need to be and not in an emotional fog, wondering years down the road, "How did I get here?" and "How do I get the F out?"

[PinkRibbon]

I am going to purposely not put myself in the position to get hurt. Someone asks me out they will get a polite NO. This has tore me up more than I care to admit to anyone including myself.

 

I believed his bag full of lies. He is the absolute first man that has come along in my life that I truly believed every last lying word. I must have been the biggest guppy on this planet. I ate those lies with a fork and asked for seconds. Not even my ex husband did I believe or trust as much as this man. I don't trust people easily. I never ever believed for a second that he would not be here and that when he said I love you that it was a lie, lie, lie. He used me and used my daughter which pi**es me off to no end. She trusted him and he has not even said a word to her. She is going to be so messed up with her relationships with men.

 

No dating, no nothing. I will never stand in front of the train again.

[vessv6l]

If my ex wanted another chance with me now i couldnt agree to it because of the mixed emotions i feel. I would want to but it would fall apart eventually. I need time to heal like new, and then forgive what she did. In time i might reach this point and once i have if she honestly wanted to try things again and i didnt feel animosity at her because of the past and had feelings for her i *might* give it a shot. But by then hopefully ill be with someone else who deserves my love and respect.

 

But for now this quote comes to mind;

Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; men love in haste but they detest at leisure

- Lord Byron Don Juan Canto XIII

 

And i will detest this girl at my leisure...

 

Pinkribbon - This person has really done a number on you. But why punish yourself more for it? He wasnt worth you and unfortunately you payed the price. Take time out for yourself surely, but if the potential for love comes by dont ignore it to validate how much he has hurt you to the world

[PinkRibbon]

I think the only reason he did a number is I trusted him fully and faithfully. Nothing more to it than just that. I opened my heart and my home, and let him close to my daughter and she opened herself up to him. We both trusted him.

 

I know it was nothing I did or didn't do. What I did do is send him a final email last night telling him I was done, no more crying, no more wishing, hoping and praying. I deleted all emails, tests, pictures and threw away everything much the same he threw us away. I took his email address out and phone numbers. I told him I will get through this and I will get better while he will never have better than me. (I know because he is a troll)

That he lied from day one and none of this would have happened if he had been honest.

 

So I hurt but feel a little better but it will take time. And if he ever asks me back I would say no. I can not forgive what he has put me and my daghter through. No concern for her feelings about him or her emotions. That chaps my rear.

 

Still no train tracks for me, no men, I have a cat and kid that is all I need. And I am looking at a house tonight to possibly buy. A mile and a half away from fat boy hahahah

 

I should have know it wouldn't work when he said he hadn't seen Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Bleh he doesn't even read.

[RecordProducer]

Well, NC either helps you heal or it helps you get a second chance. It can't be both. I mean, think about it: if it helps YOU heal, then it helps the dumper heal also, right? And they are in a much better position than you.

 

The second-chance concept is contained in the notion that now they see what they've lost. But you also see now what you've lost. And really it's not about what we lose, but how much we miss someone which is directly proportional to the love we feel for them. If we had good times together, that makes us miss them even more.

 

Honestly, I think NC is overrated. NC magnifies the feeling of loss.

[vessv6l]

NC hasnt magnified my feelings of loss? What other way would you suggest for helping mend a brokenheart?

[PinkRibbon]

I really want mine to come back just so I can say no. I want the shocked look on his face I had when he dumped me. I can dream but it will never happen.

[RecordProducer]

I started a new thread related to this subject here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2151110#post2151110

 

NC hasnt magnified my feelings of loss? What other way would you suggest for helping mend a brokenheart?

Time, new excitements, and a new (big) love - those are the only things that help you heal. Your question actually inspired me to start the new thread.

 

What goes around comes around...

 

I've had one or two try to come back, that I really wanted back at first.

 

By the time they came back around, he dust had settled and I didn't want them back!

How long was it before they came back? Was it because you didn't care about them anymore?

 

I really want mine to come back just so I can say no. I want the shocked look on his face I had when he dumped me. I can dream but it will never happen.

I hear ya, sister, but if he comes back, you'll take him back, at this point. And you don't really need him back, because he dumped you. By the time he comes back, IF he does, you won't want him. You don't want a man who only wants you when you're not his. If he were the one, you'd be with him right now.

[PinkRibbon]

I probably would take him back at this point but the burn is not as hot as when he first left.

 

I know he won't be back. But I keep 3% of me hoping and wishing.

 

If he were the right one he wouldn't have left over something as silly as our argument. Which was pretty silly because he could have corrected it with one sentence.

[scootncash]

In the book "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs PHD and Masa Goetz PHD you can find a lot of answers and it was recommended by my therapist.

 

The thing is even if you do figure out what when wrong, because seperation is just the sympton, its not the problem, and your partner doesnt work on the changes necessary for them then you've lost the battle with reuniting.

 

The book talks about key strategies of a successful breakup and reunion. I wont go into to detail but I'll list them for you.

 

1. Take care of yourself

 

2. Get to know yourself-find out who you are and what you REALLY want

 

3. Work on strenthening your own identity

 

4. If you and your partner still speak, agree on ground rules that will

govern your actions during your time apart.

 

5. Think through and create a strategy for recreating a healthy and

loving relationship

 

6. Prepare for those times when you seem to be unable to go forward.

 

7. Build a support network of people who root for you and your well-being

 

8. Communication and trust are the keys to intimacy.

 

9. Commit to resolving old habits and destructive behaviors that damage

your relationship, and learn what is needed to make love flourish.

 

10. Think of reconciliation as the start of a new relationship. Be realistic.

 

11. Commit to sustaining you new relationship.

 

The thing is that mostly everyone who has had a breakup wishes at one point that their partner would come back and everything be wonderful again, but that isnt reality. The relationship can never go back to what it was, obviously there was something wrong or you wouldnt have broken up. Look at it as a time to heal and work on you and really think about what you want from a good relationship not just the one you had. Its hard to be in that position, I've been there.

 

The argument isnt the problem, its only a symptom of the problem, the problem is his actions in how he handled things and the argument was a symptom of his need to escape facing the truth!

 

Good luck, take care, hope this helps!

[SummerLady]

I started a new thread related to this subject here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2151110#post2151110

 

Time, new excitements, and a new (big) love - those are the only things that help you heal. Your question actually inspired me to start the new thread.

 

How long was it before they came back? Was it because you didn't care about them anymore?

 

I hear ya, sister, but if he comes back, you'll take him back, at this point. And you don't really need him back, because he dumped you. By the time he comes back, IF he does, you won't want him. You don't want a man who only wants you when you're not his. If he were the one, you'd be with him right now.

 

 

Here is my predicition for myself. My ex will come a calling sometime in the summer. I will have moved on and be dating someone else and by then its to late. This is what happened before when he came back. BUT now I am divorced, in a different place and clear on what I want out of a relationship, I am not 26 anymore. I have a feeling this whole thing is coming to a direct end soon and will never be revisited again. Done for good. Just my predicition. And for the best.

[vessv6l]

Here is my predicition for myself. My ex will come a calling sometime in the summer. I will have moved on and be dating someone else and by then its to late. This is what happened before when he came back. BUT now I am divorced, in a different place and clear on what I want out of a relationship, I am not 26 anymore. I have a feeling this whole thing is coming to a direct end soon and will never be revisited again. Done for good. Just my predicition. And for the best.

 

Mmm im starting to feel the same.Breakup Doesnt concern me much anymore. I wouldnt take her back, i dont want her back. And yeah dont even want to make the effort to keep in contact with her. Dont have the time and dont really want to be friends with her at all either

[PinkRibbon]

I miss him but I am beginning to get the hint from coming on here everyday. IF he cared none of this would have happened. Do I really want someone in my life who so rapidly tossed me away because of a lie HE was telling?? Who couldn't give me the courtesy to talk to me, who let me stand there and bawl like a baby as he said no?

 

I am beginning to think not. It hurts but I will be ok in the long run. I am bitter right now but I am getting better.

 

But honestly I really would like him to come back and ask so I can say no.

 

BTW I wonder when I will get my stuff back?? I called Sunday and asked him to call me back so we can arrange an drop off. I have tons of items in his garage. I hope he didn't take it to the dump???

[WiseOne1]

People, People....lets get out of the mindframe that you "yourselves" are getting another chance, or asking for second chance.

 

98.6% on loveshack are from people who have been dumped for no reason, therefore the "dumper" is getting the second chance, its like aplogizing for something that's someone else's fault.

 

I hate how sometimes ex's will be like im going to get you a second chance or I might give you a second chance, some ego they have, they ended it so therefore, the dumpee is giving the 2nd chance.!!!!!!!!!

[CaliGuy]

People, People....lets get out of the mindframe that you "yourselves" are getting another chance, or asking for second chance.

 

98.6% on loveshack are from people who have been dumped for no reason, therefore the "dumper" is getting the second chance, its like aplogizing for something that's someone else's fault.

 

I hate how sometimes ex's will be like im going to get you a second chance or I might give you a second chance, some ego they have, they ended it so therefore, the dumpee is giving the 2nd chance.!!!!!!!!!

 

Yeah, but the problem is that it's almost always (99% of the time at least) that the dumpee WANTS the second chance. So it's the dumpee that, should the dumper agree, who si receving a second chance. Dumpees asking for a second chance will almost always fail. It's the DUMPER who has to want the second chance for it to work.

 

My point is simply this: There's someone out there for you wanting a first chance. Find them because the person who will love and accept you for who you are and never let you go is out there. And it isn't the person who has already taken you for granted and dumped you once....

[WiseOne1]

Yeah, but the problem is that it's almost always (99% of the time at least) that the dumpee WANTS the second chance. So it's the dumpee that, should the dumper agree, who si receving a second chance. Dumpees asking for a second chance will almost always fail. It's the DUMPER who has to want the second chance for it to work.

 

My point is simply this: There's someone out there for you wanting a first chance. Find them because the person who will love and accept you for who you are and never let you go is out there. And it isn't the person who has already taken you for granted and dumped you once....

 

I agree, never be someone's 2nd option, when you can be someones 1st option.

[PinkRibbon]

Sometimes that is easier said than done. Especially like me when I am in the new stage of being dumped. I really miss him but he lied not me is what I have to keep in mind. If he really loved me like he said he would have not dumped me.

[CaliGuy]

Sometimes that is easier said than done. Especially like me when I am in the new stage of being dumped. I really miss him but he lied not me is what I have to keep in mind. If he really loved me like he said he would have not dumped me.

 

Exactly. Yes, you love him. Those feelings take a long time to subside. However if you focus on all the bad things about him, especially the taking you for granted and dumping you aspects, you can help speed up the healing process.

 

The sooner you say "It's his loss. He took me for granted but someone else won't.." the better off you are (and the sooner you will find someone better for you!)

[PinkRibbon]

Maybe the bigger fear is what if I won't have another person in my life. I always seem to be the "single" one. What if that is meant to be?

[orangesean]

Well last year about this time I had a second chance after 3 months out of a 4 year relationship of living together. I think all around it would be on account of immaturity and not understanding what a relationship entails and what is acceptable behavior on both sides.

 

There were a couple of major things that were my fault, but I don't want to go into it.

 

I don't always agree with Caliguy, but his words have helped before. I think more often than not there is no chance, and without a general fault, if someone is hanging on someone else with all the power the relationship will go back to how it was.

 

To get a second chance will require major reflection and changes on both sides. When my girlfriend and I got back together, we were good some changes were started, but there was a lot of hurt, anger, and panic attacks made their way through. Some therapy was required. Also things sort of slid back and forth for a while from each other both claiming with whether getting back together is good or not. Fights went along with that. But I don't know, a lot of talks and a lot of hurt that was felt in the past came out during some of these fights and eventually they just sort of dissipated around the end of November last year. We get along really great these days and it requires a lot of listening and understanding.

 

I think it just depends on the case and reason for the break up, but more often than not, even in my experience, getting back together with someone is not good. Usually after time you won't even want to think about a past ex anymore let alone think about getting back together.

[CaliGuy]

Maybe the bigger fear is what if I won't have another person in my life. I always seem to be the "single" one. What if that is meant to be?

 

You can't worry about that because finding the one is usually something that is "always in process" -- even if you are with someone (hence the breakups, the cheating, the lies or the flat out dumping).

 

Look, I'm 40. I haven't given up hope of finding Ms Right and I probably never will, until I am married at least. haha. The point is, the minute you say "I'll never find someone" is the minute your hope starts to fade away.

 

You'll find someone when you stop focusing on it and just let life work itself out. The happier you are, by the way, the easier it is to attract someone. And you can't really be happy if you're enamored with finding someone. You can't let it consume your thoughts.

 

Just try enjoying life

[EmperorR]

You can't worry about that because finding the one is usually something that is "always in process" -- even if you are with someone (hence the breakups, the cheating, the lies or the flat out dumping).

 

Look, I'm 40. I haven't given up hope of finding Ms Right and I probably never will, until I am married at least. haha. The point is, the minute you say "I'll never find someone" is the minute your hope starts to fade away.

 

You'll find someone when you stop focusing on it and just let life work itself out. The happier you are, by the way, the easier it is to attract someone. And you can't really be happy if you're enamored with finding someone. You can't let it consume your thoughts.

 

Just try enjoying life

 

 

I agree with caliguy, funny the both times I wanted no relationship didn't pursue anyone just living my life loving how it was, was the two times I fell in love in my life. When you least expect anything can happen, heck I met my ex fiance at some boring birthday party that only 4 people attended and just as I was about to leave she popped up.

 

You never know when you find someone.

[EmperorR]

People, People....lets get out of the mindframe that you "yourselves" are getting another chance, or asking for second chance.

 

98.6% on loveshack are from people who have been dumped for no reason, therefore the "dumper" is getting the second chance, its like aplogizing for something that's someone else's fault.

 

I hate how sometimes ex's will be like im going to get you a second chance or I might give you a second chance, some ego they have, they ended it so therefore, the dumpee is giving the 2nd chance.!!!!!!!!!

 

I agree, I'll never be plan b, I'll never be silver when I'm gold.

 

I never understand how people who are dumped their exes go and date someone and then realize oh shoot I screwed up, I would never ever take someone back under than circumstantce. I want someone who views me as the best they can do always.

[stace79]

My boyfriend dumped me for no real reason. I think it was a combination of financial issues, housing issues and hanging out with his idiot 18 year old male friends.

 

I did the whole clingy thing for about a month and then just got over it. Of course as soon as he found out I was going out of town to hang out with some male friends he called and begged for a second chance.

 

We've been back together almost 2 years now. Part of me regrets taking him back. He did a lot of hurtful things when we broke up including dating a girl a week after dumping me and posting on his myspace how much he loved her...when it took him over a year to say it to me. I still think about her all the time and wonder why he picked her over me at the time. I do hold a lot against him even though he's done a complete 180 and is the most perfect boyfriend you can imagine now.....I just can't fully forgive him for what he's done.

 

I love him...but if I could change the past...I'd never have taken him back. Too much baggage and negative feelings. I prayed and begged for a second chance.....I got it...so just be careful what you wish for. Because it sucks to have someone completely 100% devoted to you and not be able to forgive how he treated you in the past.

 

You are so right on here... my ex, the one you were helping me to break up with earlier this week -- he broke up with me two years ago b/c he wasn't over his ex and she came sniffing around after he started dating me.

 

I got my "second chance" with him, too, and I could never forgive him for breaking up with me for her. Granted there are tons of other problems but that was a huge one -- plus he still wouldn't stop talking to her! They are still "friends" with the exception that he knew to date me he could never see her again.

 

I love him, too, even now after we broke up this week, but I wish I had never taken him back. It was a dysfunctional screwed up relationship from the start and caused a lot of misery and gave me a lot of wrinkles and gray hairs!!!

 

So yes, be careful when wishing for an ex to come back. Breaking up with you may have been the biggest favor you'll ever get from them!

[CaliGuy]

I agree with caliguy, funny the both times I wanted no relationship didn't pursue anyone just living my life loving how it was, was the two times I fell in love in my life. When you least expect anything can happen, heck I met my ex fiance at some boring birthday party that only 4 people attended and just as I was about to leave she popped up.

 

You never know when you find someone.

 

The reason this happens is very simple. When you actively pursue a relationship you create expectations. Expectations that, when not met, leads to disappointment. Disappointment leads to sadness and that translates into how you walk, talk and interact with people.

 

When you don't create the expectation of meeting someone, you are free to live a happy, carefree life. The old "law of attraction" comes into play here. If you think happy thoughts, if you are a happy person inside, that will make you a happy person on the outside. And Mr or Ms Right will clue in on your happiness and want to be a part of it.

 

That's my theory as to why people "desperately" seeking a relationship fail most of the time and those who do not always seem to just "bump" into the right person. Be loving, be happy with your life and fill it full of fun activities and the right person will find YOU.

 

Cheers