My sorry tale!

[hopesndreams]

My part, I'm guilty of not paying enough attention to our relationship and getting caught up in life as it has been for us, work, kids etc.

Her part, she gave up all together and started getting it on with another man.

 

The same thing happened to me with my H. I didn't pay enough attention to him after my teenage daughter had a baby. He thought I didn't love him anymore (excuse and justification) and started getting it on with another woman.

 

She will try to heap blame on you for what she has done and glad to hear you won't fall for any of that crap. You are doing all the right things so far, I admire how you called the OM, I didn't have it in me to call the MOW, I regret that now. You are confronting this head on, do not cower, ever. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. Now that the secret is out, this affair of hers will lose its appeal and she may choose to give the marriage another go or else make plans to be with her OM. But, it's not up to her to choose, it's up to you. Also, my H claimed, at first, the affair was not physical, and that turned out to be a big fat lie. Cheaters lie. Always. You know how you can tell a cheater is lying? Their lips move.

[seibert253]

Sorry to hear about this KTM. I know your upset and hurt about this, but I also know you love your wife even though she just stuck a knife in your heart.

 

What do you know about the OM? Is he married? If he is, I would tell his wife about this affair. She has a right to know. I think your wife's friends may know who the OM is. Nothing shakes a WW out of the affair fog better than than the OM throwing her under the bus in order to save his azz.

 

If you want to work to fix your fractured marriage, may I make a suggestion. If it were I, I would try this.

Meet with your wife. When you have this talk, be calm and unemotional. it will be hard, but show your best poker face. Tell her just to sit, listen and don't interupt. I'd tell her if you love me, you will sit and listen to what I have to say. Tell her that if she doesn't wish to hear what you have to say, then your marriage is over and you're filing for divorce immediately.

Tell her exactly how you feel. The hurt, the anger, the disappointment, all of it. Tell her it is now up to you, not her, whether this marriage survivies. Tell her if she wants to repair your marriage then she will do the following:

1. End all contact with the OM.

2. Complete transparency on her part. Complete access to her cell phone, email accounts, etc.

3. MC and IC

4. Complete honesty from her.

 

These are not negotiable. She agrees to all, maintains all. If she doesn't agree with all, the only other option is divorce.

Also tell her you will agree to the following:

1. Complete honesty from you

2. MC and IC for you to fix you

3. That when you get angry and upset with her about this affair, you will not take this anger and frustration out on her, or your children. Even if your marriage is repaired, you will relive what happened, and you will get mad, depressed, and frustrated.

4. You will also be transparent to her

 

With luck, prayer, and alot of hard work, this can be fixed. But BOTH of you must want to fix this.

If it doesn't work out, then work on being the best you, you can be. For yourself, for your children, and for the next woman who will treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Remember man, we're here standing right beside you. Chin up my man, it's gonna get better, one day or someday, but it will.

Best of Luck

[KTMRider33]

Cheaters lie. Always. You know how you can tell a cheater is lying? Their lips move.

 

Brilliant:D

 

Well I was home when she came to pick up some stuff.

She looked like she'd had a tough day (shame) and we had quite a long talk.

There was some remorse and a few tears she said she had acted dispicably.......I had to agree, I said I wouldn't have treated an enemy as badly as she has treated me over the last month.

Well I spoke to a solicitor and looks like I may well be the one who has to leave the family home, although I had resolved to stay I can't for my children's sake let them move to a strange rented place that is not their home so I may have to do some house hunting.

I asked the question so there's no way back from this? Her reply was she didn't think so as I would never forgive her and always hold it against her, DAMN STRAIGHT I WOULD........

Apparently she still wants to go to counseling to try and work out why she felt she couldn't tell me how unhappy she was.

That's just a load of B******X If, and it is a big IF, she was that unhappy for that long she needs an Oscar because she must be the best actress in the world.

I can only draw the conclusion that she has over inflated all the bad things to try and justify her actions.

I just cannot believe the change in the person I have loved for 15 years, Swan you may have a point about demonic possession;)

Apparently she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with the OM, like I'm going to believe a word that comes out of her mouth any more.

Well we will be meeting again to discuss how this is going to work tomorrow, Got to stay strong.

[KTMRider33]

Remember man, we're here standing right beside you. Chin up my man, it's gonna get better, one day or someday, but it will.

Best of Luck

 

Thanks for the wise words, I don't think this guy is married, but if it's who I think it is then he has a girlfriend (not sure if they live together).

But to be honest I'm not sure the way I feel at the moment I can begin to start down the road of trying to mend things.

After checking her phone I realized her contact with him really started to get going about three or four days before she told me how she felt, since that point I have made every effort to connect and show her my love by word and deed, and have bared my soul about how I feel more than I have at any time.

I have done the very best I can and have no regrets about trying to save my marriage.

But during that time she has been carrying on this affair that according to the amount of texts has done nothing but get more intense during that period.

She has been laughing at me all this time, going out enjoying herself, sleeping soundly and lying to me every time I asked if there was someone else.

I am so far from forgiving, accepting, or letting her take any more of me away.

Do I still love her, yes of course I do, could I take her back.........I don't know.

They say it's not over until the fat lady sings.....In this case the lady has entered stage right and has just started to clear her throat!

Ironically three days after she started to progress this affair we both had a week off work with the kids in nursery.

I had been thinking this will be great we have a week of just us and had been secretly planning romantic lunches and walks on the beach, reveling in the fact that we had got this far although it had been really tough and that we now had a week to reflect and regroup.

But on the Saturday before the holiday she dropped her bombshell.

My timing has always been off.....I wonder if it would have been different if we could have that week before she started down the road to the OM, I suppose I'll never know.

[Athena]

Brilliant:D

 

Well I was home when she came to pick up some stuff.

 

Apparently she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with the OM

 

Sorry to hear your fears were confirmed and you now have to rethink your recent marital history with her.

 

Tell me, when she came home to pick up some stuff, did she pack her pretty new underwear? hmm?

Because her buying new underwear -- THAT sign alone -- gives you insight into how she was thinking of her EA (if indeed it was only that... ). Clearly she was planning on taking it to the next step, although I am sure she already did. Tell me, that friend whose house she went to when the friend wasn't there... was that the name of the friend she listed OM as, on her cell phone? Anyway, wherever she was that day, I am sure she wasn't feeding a little boy's bunny...

 

As for moving out of your house, don't you do it yet -- do it as part of the 'concessions' at the end... let HER suffer the consequences of her actions. Don't ask her (i.e. put the decision into her hands) if there is any way back from this... its up to YOU... even if you want her home tomorrow, you have to let her suffer some concrete repercussions, or in next to no time at all she will be back to having an affair if you forgive her too easily or too quickly. She has to earn her way back to you.

 

Also, methinks her OM called it off with her after you spoke to him and he felt like $hit. I doubt she would have made that decision!

[hopesndreams]

The first month of Discovery is desperation and shock, try putting off any major decisions unless you are absolutely sure in your heart what you want to do.

 

I wonder if it would have been different if we could have that week before she started down the road to the OM, I suppose I'll never know.

 

Try not to speculate of what could have been. Truth be known it just would have bought her more time to get her plans in place with the OM. She's a skilled deceiver now and most likely would have strung you along and in the end make you even more miserable and make you suffer longer. A quick clean break is best if the marriage cannot be saved.

 

Do not leave your house. What has happened really has nothing to do with you in that she was the one that was selfish and made the choice of cheating and giving up on the marriage. She needs consequences and she needs to suffer for what she has done. She wants to leave so desperately, she knows where the door is. The children can stay put in the home, with you and she can leave and find new digs. This could be her reality check.

 

You have a tough road ahead, you'll be on the emotional roller coaster ride, keep posting and others, like myself, who have been through it and are still going through it can help you along the way.

[delajoonal]

;)KTMRider33....

 

i realize you have a million responses opinions, advice etc...

but i wanted to say from my own experience...as OURS is pretty right on spot...including the way we found out, just went online check the cell bill and viola` there were the numbers...i called them, got a woman's voice stating, hi this is nicole....ack!

it felt like a knife, a very jagged knife had just ripped thru my gut and up to my heart...

 

i was where you are now, 2 months ago...so i just want to tell you this,

BECAUSE our stories are nearly identical, except i am a woman and your a man..

there IS light at the end of this dark tunnel...i know it doesn't seem like it now...you are very hurt and prolly still in love with your W...but after a few months or less or more..everyone has there OWN time line for recovery....you will see that light and the FOG will be lifted and you can make sane decisions about child support, alimony (if applicable), etc...

 

remember to not make any heavy decisions at this time...do ONE day at at time and get IC, group therapy too, and keep coming back here to LS...you will see stories like ours unfold and also see how we will heal and move on as well...that is where i am now...without LS, i have NO idea where i would be now..i have met alot of really nice folks and made some new friends too.

 

before you do something rash, say something you will regret to the W, or OM, etc...post here first...someone will always be here to help right away..

i had an issue a few weeks back, i was letting the anger fester, i wanted to call the OW and remind her of the mess she left behind...so i posted here first, and everyone said DON"T DO IT...so i didn't..and boy do i feel so much better for NOT making that call...letting her have the gratification of knowing she has destroyed my family, or took part in it anyway..

 

some people thrive on that crap...don't let them get to you...

 

ok, so i may have rambled on way too long..sorry..i just want to see you come out the other side healthy and happy...we all do here;)

 

sure wish you well with taking this issue to the your children...that will be tough...but be strong for them...i am sure you are a great dad and will always put them first:)

 

take care and good luck

[Gunny376]

OP yours reminded me of a similar poster's story. Pay particular attention to the poster Ladyjane14

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t88277/?highlight=surfer

[orangesean]

I think Athena was right. The sexy underwear suggests this affair was more than emotional. A common thing with these sort of affairs seems to be that the betraying spouse always says it's emotional at first. But at this point, do you care about all the details? Sometimes those hurt way more than help.

 

KTM, you're awesome. This whole situation probably sucks more than anything in the world, but the 180 you did where you took command and stuck your ground was amazing. You owe her nothing now. It's now your decision to divorce and see your kids sometimes or work it through. Neither is easy, and that's about where the advice I can actually give on the matter is worthless, since I've never dealt with it.

 

But geez, you even called the other man right away and told him a thing or two. Most guys I see on these boards are so afraid of speaking out against anyone. When she told you she was having an affair because you are unhappy or you make her unhappy, that is nonsense. I'm a firm believer if there is a problem in a relationship, it should be discussed much sooner than an affair ever starting. That's why I don't buy she was that unhappy, and it's the old usual tale where she's trying to somehow make you responsible for the affair, which is never up to the betrayed spouse.

[Athena]

KTM, you're awesome. This whole situation probably sucks more than anything in the world, but the 180 you did where you took command and stuck your ground was amazing.

 

But geez, you even called the other man right away and told him a thing or two.

 

Absolutely! KTM you are awesome! Now, keep it up.

[KTMRider33]

Well I had a bad night last night tossing and turning.

Every time I started to drift off the pain came back!

It's strange how those moments just before sleep and just as you wake up you have no control over you feelings.

When I'm wide awake I'm far more resolute.

So I had no contact last night as she took the kids to stay with a friend and left me at home.

It's amazing how quiet the place was, although the dog was good company.

Well I got a call from her at about twelve whilst I was shopping and treating myself to lots of new stuff.

Apparently our daughter had a temperature at nursery and had been given some medicine.

She wanted to let me know she might have to bring her home.

She asked how i was and and I said I was Ok, so out of politeness I enquired how she was.

Apparently she didn't sleep well (What a shame)

So as the conversation wound up she asked if she could stay at the house tonight, I said we'd need to talk about that later.

Her parting words were "Cheers then bye"......first time I've ever had that instead of "I love you" suppose I'll get used to it.

Well I had met up with a couple of great friends who listened to my ranting and bought me lunch, they are as stunned as me about what has happened, in fact one friend said "She's gone mad"

They keep saying there must be a way back, but I told them that she does't want me back.

 

Well tonight she came home and I was packing my stuff to go away for the weekend and all my shopping was in the hall.

She wanted to know what I'd bought, so I told it was just some bits.

She asked if was going anywhere, I said yes.

She said I know I don't have the right to ask (I told her yesterday she lost the right to ask me what, where, who, how) but where are you going?

I said away for the weekend, she perssisted in asking who with, and why do you need your passport (I left it on show) I refused to tell her, and when she said I had to in case the kids got sick, I said no I don't that's what mobile phones are for.

She asked why I didn't want to tell her, and I said, the same reason you havent told me anything for the last month.

Well I enquired if she had come to any conclusions, and she said, I know it doesn't help but no I haven't and I know that doesn't help you or me.

 

So it looks like somebody has told her to get herself back in the house, I can tell she really doesn't want me here.

Looks like I'm going to end up out on my arse.

 

I can't stand to be in the same room with her.

Although I am quite amused as I've ordered a pizza (Dirty food) and she refused to ask me for some, but was covertly eating what the kids didn't want.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Well I better get on......thanks for all the replies, I will read them all later.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[LuckyClover]

KTM you have got to get a grip...you are acting very rash and are not thinking in the best interest of the children. Think of them! Be a father first. It's not you that needs to leave...she does. Not the kids either. Stand ground and keep an eye on the CC bills and such. Don't go after the OM either it will just land you in jail, less time with the kids, and will not change anything.

[Gowithflow]

KTM-

I'm 6 months in to the same situation. I ride a ktm as well. Not much changes in most cases. I went through all of the motions and still wound up a single dad. Read my post for a good laugh!

 

my ex blames me for everything. Says i was gone too much and she's right but it would have been some other excuse anyway if she wanted to cheat and that's what happened. F her. She's a joke right now. Be the dad. nothing else matters anymore. At least for a while.

[hopesndreams]

Does she think that you believe her when she says it was just an emotional affair? Has the truth come out yet or are you still waiting for the truth? Confront her with it, make her fess up, it throws a whole different spin on things.

 

Her parting words were "Cheers then bye"......first time I've ever had that instead of "I love you"

 

My stbxh says Take Care instead, and no, it's not something you would get used to.

 

It's really, really good you are acting so in charge and I am in complete agreement that the worse times are just before you fall asleep and just as you are waking up.

 

Looks like I'm going to end up out on my arse.

 

You don't have to be out on your arse. Many wayward wives will leave not just the husband but the kids as well. They are so deep in delusion and selfishness that it's a possibility.

 

Keep in mind you have given this woman 15 years of your life but she is no longer the woman you know. That woman is no longer there and until she crawls through broken glass to re-connect with you and make amends, she is gone forever. She is in affair fog and until she snaps out of it through repercussions because of her actions, there is no hope.

 

The hurt and anger of her betrayal is just around the corner. It's going to feel as though you were run over by a truck. Stay strong.

[KTMRider33]

Well I went away for the weekend not telling my STBX where I was going

and returned on Monday night.

During the weekend she had texted me twice and called me once, none of which I responded to.

So when I got home she preceded to tell me what a wonderful, peaceful, and calm weekend she had!!!

So I asked if she had made her mind up, and she said she needed more time, so I pushed and said I'd reached the end of the road and she needed to say the words.

Still she talked around it and more or less said she couldn't turn back to me, but she still couldn't SAY IT...........

So I spent two hours talking sense along the lines of, I know you say you've been unhappy, but you where happy once, why throw 15 years away without at least trying everything.

But all I got was non-committal response, so I kept saying all you have to do is say the words, but she couldn't.

I will not be the one to end my marriage, if she wants out she must say it.

So eventually she reluctantly said everything I said made sense.

So I asked if she would try and she nodded, I asked if she would break off all contact with the OM, she said yes, I asked if she would promise on our children's lives, she said yes.

But why then do I know in my gut she's lying, how could she promise on the lives of our children and then carry on staying in contact with the OM, because I know through her furtive activities that she is.

Is someone in the fog of an affair able to stoop so low as to make that promise and then just break it?

So yesterday was our first counseling session, I cried a lot.

The counselor was a lovely woman and we explained our situation, most of what my stbx said was about how I had made her unhappy over the years although she did admit partial fault as she had been unable to tell me properly.

Apparently her affair was a symptom of her unhappiness, at least she's stopped calling it a crush.

I must accept there is no chance for us all the time she is still in contact with the OM.

So we left the counseling and all she said was everything we said was stuff we had already covered, I explained that we had too otherwise the counselor wouldn't know what was going on.

I must away for now as work calls but I will finish my update later.

[seibert253]

180 her azz to death. Stay strong, stay focused.

We are right here with you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

As long as the OM is in the picture there should not be any reconsiliation!

 

..At All!!!!

 

File for divorce and stick to the 180, because actions speak louder than words.

[hopesndreams]

how could she promise on the lives of our children and then carry on staying in contact with the OM, because I know through her furtive activities that she is.

 

She can do this because it's all about her! She doesn't place more importance on you or the kids, she is being selfish and she wants what she wants at the expense of everything else, no matter who it hurts. Right now she's incapable of feeling your pain because she is so caught up in herself. You need to burst the bubble she's in and the only way to do that is to tell her to get out, marriage is over and she needs to find a new place to live, pronto.

 

Is someone in the fog of an affair able to stoop so low as to make that promise and then just break it?

 

Absolutely, without a question of a doubt. Keep in mind you are in a fog too and that is why she is getting away with it so far. She's biding her time and in essence, so are you.

[KTMRider33]

Well the saga continues.......

No change in attitude but I don't suppose I should expect anything else.

We discussed what first attracted each other last night as suggested by the counselor.

I waxed lyrical for about five minutes, she managed 30 seconds "I thought you where the strong silent type, and I thought I'd give you a try because a friend said you where nice..............and?

NOTHING.....big fat zero, something in her brain will not admit that once she found me attractive and fell in love with me!!!!!!

We have reached stalemate, she obviously doesn't want to try, but she wont say goodbye.

Going to be a fun weekend.

I must confess I bounced around in a happy mood this morning, and that really got to her.

A friend phoned this morning and I answered with a big HIGH MATE HOW ARE YOU........she followed me round the house mouthing who is it?

WTF has it got to do with her, I'm sure she's still talking to the OM so why should I tell her who I'm talking to?

Soooo I went round for a chat with her best mate last night.

It was really nice to talk to someone who is bemused as I am, she really has tried to fight my corner but we all now why that hasn't worked!!!

I told her not to try too hard as she may lose her friendship, she confirmed that every time she tried to get her to face the truth of what she was doing she pulled away from her.

She also mentioned the glazed expression that she has developed, this is something that sends a shiver through my spine, I really thought it was just me.

She told me that three of her other girl friends did the same at the same age, and all are now divorced.

In addition she told me that one friend is giving her bad advice and it was really annoying her, I guessed who it was, a long term friend who is divorced and has a 24 year old toy boy and who's kids are a lot older.

She lives it up, is always out and palms the kids of on her ex all the time.

Apparently she is encouraging her saying more or less, come on in the waters great!!!!

I always wondered why her ex was so bitter and angry, as my wife has told me they had an amicable split........Hhhmmm maybe not then.

I know I should tell her it's over and move on, but why the hell should it be me.......I'm not the one doing this am I?

But for the sake of my sanity I might just have to.

Love to you all.

[LovieDove24]

KTM,

 

Hats off to you buddy for being so strong during such an excrushiating time. The few times you have stood up to her are EXACTLY what you need to be doing: don't answer her questions, be elusive and keep a busy life going for you.

 

BUT I will say you have to set a deadline for your wife's decision. There is no sense hanging around in limbo while she is eating her cake somewhere else and dangling you by a string. Make the deadline now and stick to it. Best of luck my friend.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She needs to get rid of that dumbazz OM, and those toxic bimbo friends of hers. misery loves company and all theyre gonna do is drag her down.

 

If she makes no effort to change or move in a rebuilding direction, then you file for divorce and let her choose what will happen!

 

Actions speak louder than words!

[KTMRider33]

Well it finally happened.

I told her this morning that as long as she was involved with OM that there was no future for us, and that I thought she should move out, and in the mean time sleep in the spare bedroom.

She agreed...........so I said on that basis she should say the words, so with her hands over her eyes and tears rolling own her cheeks she whispered 'it's over'

So at last she has put the dying dog out of it's misery after six weeks of limbo.

I have tried everything,I even spent an hour last night trying to get her to think about all the good times we've had, but as i remembered and felt the joy she said she couldn't remember how it felt.......

It's going to be hard to accept, I still can't quite believe there wont be a miracle turnround and she'll rush up to me and grab me and tell me she's changed her mind!

One day soon it will sink in.

We've just had a discussion about the kids and living arrangements.

I said it will be hard not seeing the kids wake up and go to sleep every day, she said it would be just as hard for her when they are with me.

My reply was do you think it was worth it to sacrifice that time with the children?

Did she think about me or the children when she started her new relationship?

She couldn't answer because the truth is all she thought about was herself, and that's what she's been doing all along

It is a sad sad day for me

[webmuse]

Sorry KTM, hang in there..it's gotta get easier!

[Gowithflow]

Wow...Been there done that. Sucks. She's probably thinking she's somehow "brave" for leaving the marriage. What a joke. You owe her nothing. Let the OM deal with her issues.

[mark982]

sorry for you buddy, but i do hope that's it's her that's leaving!fight like hell for custody of your kids.