My sorry tale!

[Cali Chris]

Hey KTM, I'm feeling ya here, there will probably be more things that will get your heart all messed up. In my situation like I posted , the OM was just a friend and not even 2 months later she was with him, no later than a week or 2 after she had him and my kids spend the whole day on Easter, I dont know why they dont think straight and what and how it's going to effect the kids , they just want the OM to be there and the kids to get used to it right away, I think!! It sucks , I feel your pain, I would never bring someone around that quick, I wouldnt risk confusing the kids, but the STBXW is gonna do whatever they want, as long as they can get away with it and they will push and push, because it's what they want , they dont give a rats a#$ about how we feel and it's not gonna change! Hang in there bro!!

[KTMRider33]

http://womensinfidelity.com/

 

She must have met my wife.........

[hopeful26]

http://womensinfidelity.com/

 

She must have met my wife.........

And my XW too!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

[Jonesey]

Mine too.....was there a wh*** convention somewhere that we all missed?

 

Mine was staying the night over this other guy's house less than 2 weeks after her leaving me for a second time this year. She also started taking my AUTISTIC son over OM's house by week 3 and acted like I was doing the bad thing by saying something to her....

 

WAS's are just straight up crazy I tell ya....

[TrustInYourself]

Who cares what they do, the focus should be on what you do. What are you doing? Where is your life heading?

 

You focus on her, you are going to burn with emotions and feel helpless. Forget her. Put her out of your mind.

 

It hurts, I know. I remember that overwhelming feeling of being lost. But you are not lost. Let the emotions wash over you. Cry them out. Deal with it on your own time.

 

But in the end, you shall overcome. You shall be a better person from this. Use this crisis in your life to become a better person.

 

The question to ask, is? Does this moment destroy me? Do I let this person destroy me? Do I let them define how I live my life and how I feel?

 

I know the rage and anger too, but again? Who decides how you are going to feel and behave? Your soon to be ex-spouse? Or do you?

[seibert253]

That which does not destroy us, only makes us stronger.

 

Be the better person. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and say I did my best, then pizz on your wife and the OM.

[hopesndreams]

It typically happens fairly quickly for children to get introduced to the new man/woman. It would have been just as painful if it happened months from now.

 

I read an article in affairs today, and it mentioned the release of chemicals in the brain that gives that 'In Love' feeling, and it was compared with drug addiction, and that WAS's can think they've found their soulmate due to this, but it's just a delusion.

 

I completely agree with this and she will crash and burn and you may be there for her when she does, or you may not. Don't show her your anger about OM being introduced to the kids. Be cool as a cucumber.

[KTMRider33]

I'm such a mess, I had to speak to her last night and she was so cold, you wouldn't think we'd spent 15 years together.

She confirmed who the OM is, although I more or less knew anyway.

It is a guy she works with, not somebody she met on a course, lying bitch.

I spoke to her best friend who works with them, said he had split up with his fiancé who he had just bought a house with, and had been living with a friend, he then professed his love for my wife, what a C**T!!!!!

What sort of guy approaches a married woman with two kids and tells them he loves them.

Apparently my wife resisted for a while but he pursued her.

I'm not saying that it's not her fault as well, but why did this guy set out to steal my wife?

I have met him a few times and I always thought he was a prick.

When I found out the OM's name I discounted this guy as I didn't think my wife would fancy him DOH!

So his history, he has a son from a failed marriage, when I first met him he was engaged to a hot girl....they had a date for the wedding but he dumped her.

As I said above he has recently split with his current girl who has recently bought a house with!!!!!

So do you think he will be with my stbx for long......I give it two years max.

Apparently they are moving in together soon.

 

As for me All this extra info has sent me spinning back a long way, I need to digest it and move on.....what I found hard was her telling me it was none of my business and that I was pathetic because I told her it made sense now why she had bought some many thongs, as his ex was disciplined for wearing thongs at work (school) as they where inappropriate!

She just laughed and said you're pathetic........

Not doing well am I?

[hopesndreams]

What sort of guy approaches a married woman with two kids and tells them he loves them.

 

Someone with no moral compass. He stole your wife for his ego, dumps his financee and now will live happily (or so they think) ever after. They don't care who was hurt by this because their selfishness took over.

 

I give it two years max.

 

That's being generous. I give it a couple weeks, once they move in together, before they start having problems and within a few months, they are done.

 

She just laughed and said you're pathetic........

 

Yokes on her though, you figured it out and she's the one that ends up looking pathetic. She got a thrill getting the financee from him. It did her ego good. These 2 egoists will soon have nothing to get a thrill from, they will live together and the thrill, the chase, the secrets will no longer come into play. They will get bored very quickly and turn on each other. The foundation of this relationship has been built on sand, nothing can grow or flourish and it will all come crumbling down.

[Gowithflow]

She just laughed and said you're pathetic........

Not doing well am I?

 

 

I feel for you. It's the worst case scenario. This is the type of thing that makes us contemplate crazy ****! They are lower than low. You are paying the price. As hard as it is you must go NC. There's no other option. I've lived this exact same scenario for the past 8 months. DO NOT TRUST HER!! DO NOT THREATEN HER!! GIVE HER NOTHING!! She will most likely "snap out of it" and start to apologise at some point, but that will be because the OM dissrespected her in some way. DON'T BUY INTO IT!! She will be fake and as soon as the other man says jump she will go running back to him again. Let her wallow in her own misery. Make her pay before even considering to believe anything she says!!

 

(Keep in mind I'm still bitter. I keep sane by avoiding my ex at all costs, and having a new sex kitten GF).

[TrustInYourself]

KTM, look at the history. Once he gets enough of her he's going to dump her like garbage on the side of the road.

 

Then, you'll get to see who is truly pathetic.

 

Anyways, the focus should be on improving your life and moving on. You knew this information all along, but chose to ignore it so you could live with it. Now, you are just forcing yourself to come to terms with the situation. It's okay, because after you've been broken down and torn to shreds, you'll get better. Things will look up. Have hope. Things will get back to normal.

[KTMRider33]

I went and had dinner at a really nice beach bar with two of my stbx's best friends last night.

It was a really nice night, they where firmly in my camp and very supportive.

I did however remember that they are mutual friends and that anything I said would probably get back to her.

I only got upset once and tried to show I was starting to get happy.

Both of them cannot believe what she has done, but said she is in a bubble of love that nobody can break through.

They both tried to convince her that she was doing the wrong thing, but she wouldn't listen.

I phoned one of them after my last call with the stbx, and she told her that we had talked.....her response was why is he f****g calling you and not speaking to his mother.

Her friends response was because he feels he can talk to me and I've been through it myself (her ex husband did the same) which put her in her place.

Things that where said that made me feel good.

One of their husbands had said he met the OM and thought he was a prick.

Slightly embarrassed one of them admitted that her husband asked her who they would rather shag, me or the OM.....she replied ME everytime no question!!!!!!

I had asked in my phone call to the stbx, is he the guy that had a really hot girlfriend?

Apparently this really pissed her off, and she thought I was saying that why would he want to be with her when his previous girlfriend was so HOT!

Now I love(d) my wife and I did not take any notice of the varicose veins, cesarean scar, stretch marks, crooked teeth, or cellulite, but this guy's ex was very very attractive, they have both traded down.

I hadn't thought of it that way but hey ho.

Apparently things in her life are not as rosy as I might imagine, I didn't follow this up but that's good to hear, their relationship is out in the open now everybody at her school knows about it, the shine of secrecy and excitement of an illicit relationship is no longer there, hopefully it will all start to wear thin pretty soon.

When I mentioned finding somebody new they both said, you'll have no problem, you're a catch tall, handsome, good job etc.

That was an ego stroking that made me feel good.

So they asked the million dollar question, if her life crashed around her ears would I take her back.

I answered honestly, my heart says YES, my head says NO F*****G WAY.

Every day my head gets stronger as that attachment to my heart is slowly chiseled away.

[Jonesey]

Hey KTM! It's good to hear you are starting to progress through your feelings, emotions and situation. I am doing the same and it feels damn fine!

 

However, now that you have been out with "her" friends and got the message through to them that you are doing fine and moving along, cut them off. I know it sounds ridiculous, but your STBX will get information out of them and you don't know what they could be telling her. Trust me, friends can fool you no matter how long you have known them. This connection to them may feel good to you because there is still a small connection to your STBX, and it should be severed, at least for a little while, until you are over the hump 100%.

 

Please, I am not trying to be a prick here but this could be interpreted as a sign of weakness by your STBX.

[TrustInYourself]

I went and had dinner at a really nice beach bar with two of my stbx's best friends last night.

It was a really nice night, they where firmly in my camp and very supportive.

I did however remember that they are mutual friends and that anything I said would probably get back to her.

I only got upset once and tried to show I was starting to get happy.

Both of them cannot believe what she has done, but said she is in a bubble of love that nobody can break through.

They both tried to convince her that she was doing the wrong thing, but she wouldn't listen.

I phoned one of them after my last call with the stbx, and she told her that we had talked.....her response was why is he f****g calling you and not speaking to his mother.

Her friends response was because he feels he can talk to me and I've been through it myself (her ex husband did the same) which put her in her place.

Things that where said that made me feel good.

One of their husbands had said he met the OM and thought he was a prick.

Slightly embarrassed one of them admitted that her husband asked her who they would rather shag, me or the OM.....she replied ME everytime no question!!!!!!

I had asked in my phone call to the stbx, is he the guy that had a really hot girlfriend?

Apparently this really pissed her off, and she thought I was saying that why would he want to be with her when his previous girlfriend was so HOT!

Now I love(d) my wife and I did not take any notice of the varicose veins, cesarean scar, stretch marks, crooked teeth, or cellulite, but this guy's ex was very very attractive, they have both traded down.

I hadn't thought of it that way but hey ho.

Apparently things in her life are not as rosy as I might imagine, I didn't follow this up but that's good to hear, their relationship is out in the open now everybody at her school knows about it, the shine of secrecy and excitement of an illicit relationship is no longer there, hopefully it will all start to wear thin pretty soon.

When I mentioned finding somebody new they both said, you'll have no problem, you're a catch tall, handsome, good job etc.

That was an ego stroking that made me feel good.

So they asked the million dollar question, if her life crashed around her ears would I take her back.

I answered honestly, my heart says YES, my head says NO F*****G WAY.

Every day my head gets stronger as that attachment to my heart is slowly chiseled away.

 

That's key. That's the way to resolve this hole in your heart. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions though. Prepare for more ups and downs, but over time they seem to level out.

 

You have just glanced at the other side of this. It looks good. Keep that positive perspective. You are a great guy and there is someone out there who deserves a chance to know it.

[TrustInYourself]

Hey KTM! It's good to hear you are starting to progress through your feelings, emotions and situation. I am doing the same and it feels damn fine!

 

However, now that you have been out with "her" friends and got the message through to them that you are doing fine and moving along, cut them off. I know it sounds ridiculous, but your STBX will get information out of them and you don't know what they could be telling her. Trust me, friends can fool you no matter how long you have known them. This connection to them may feel good to you because there is still a small connection to your STBX, and it should be severed, at least for a little while, until you are over the hump 100%.

 

Please, I am not trying to be a prick here but this could be interpreted as a sign of weakness by your STBX.

 

Nah, I don't agree. Right now you should be building your social network. Not downsizing. Besides, you know the deal. Anything you say to them, makes it back to your STBX, so play that up. When they are around convey, confidence, happiness, positivity. Just don't take it too far lol.

[Cali Chris]

Hey KTM, I hear the guys here and , ya they must have all went to that same convention huh. My situation is again similar to yours, the OM is still married and has 3 kids of his own and , from what she says filed for divorce. I 'm sure there trying to find a place together as we speak. I feel the same as you , I 'll give them about 2 years and that relationship wont last. We gotta get better soon, I realised that it just takes a different amount of time for people to do it. Your doing fine, we'll all get through this, me you Jonesey, and the others that are in the same boat.

[Chrome Barracuda]

KTM doesnt it feel good to let go of the rope???

 

The OM really traded down. I give you anything that when the rose colored glasses off his eyes , he's gonna miss his hot ex even more and your old lady will come knocking on your door, or someone else's depending on what she finds comforting, but by then you might not even care.

 

I mean you sound really F-ing happy!!! that's a good thing.

 

I seen guys on this board morn this woman who done basically destroyed them, and I ask why? You loved the woman she used to be, the woman you knew it as she was is dead!

 

The thing is about divorce is either your gonna survive and thrive after or be bitter and drown after.

 

I think maybe her leaving you was a good thing. look at the upside, you have a chance to start over.

[seibert253]

KTM doesnt it feel good to let go of the rope???

 

The OM really traded down. I give you anything that when the rose colored glasses off his eyes , he's gonna miss his hot ex even more and your old lady will come knocking on your door, or someone else's depending on what she finds comforting, but by then you might not even care.

 

I mean you sound really F-ing happy!!! that's a good thing.

 

I seen guys on this board morn this woman who done basically destroyed them, and I ask why? You loved the woman she used to be, the woman you knew it as she was is dead!

 

The thing is about divorce is either your gonna survive and thrive after or be bitter and drown after.

 

I think maybe her leaving you was a good thing. look at the upside, you have a chance to start over.

 

When God closes a door, he then opens a window. Or is it when he closes a window, he opens a door. I forget. In any regards, the big guy always leaves an opening for redemption. Some take advantage of it, some don't.

[KTMRider33]

Apparently....my stbx has announced to friends that "THIS IS THE REAL HER"!!!!!!

I asked the friend that told me this, "did she like the real her?", that cheats, lies and runs, and she said I'd like to keep her friendship but she really worries me at the moment.

What an absolute crock.

So assuming that is true she's been lying to herself and us all these years.

The friend hopes that she will come out of this bubble and come back to me, I'm starting to think that would be a really bad thing.

I still love her, and there is a part of me that is starting to feel sorry for her.

I know I can't but I want to protect her from the fact that she is going to get hurt.

Her actions are beginning to show insecurity similar to that of a teenage girl with a very fragile ego, but I suppose I have to let her cope alone.

I am more and more convinced that this is some kind of early Mid Life Crisis rather than just being unhappy and falling for another man, something that I had started to think.

Things just don't add up, and it's not just me thinking it.

I'm not sure if it's easier to cope with knowing that she has had/is having some kind of brain fart.

I'm going to find it hard to stand by and watch her make mistakes, but what else can I do?

These past two months have been hell and it's far from over. I will never forget what she has done to me and our children in the name of her happiness.

I will never inflict this much pain on somebody because of what I want.

I believe you must love yourself and be your own best friend but like everything in life if taken to extreme, it becomes rotten, who likes somebody that is so self absorbed that they will smash everything and not appear to care!!!

It would appear that people in MLC will crawl up their own backsides and hang the consequences.

Just my rant at the injustice of it all, and feeling powerless to change what cannot be changed.

I'm sure her world will collapse when he eventually gets bored.

For 15 years she has been with a good man, not perfect, but good.

Before she met me she had been treated badly by a few boyfriends, but over 15 years has forgotten that that it is a big bad world out there and others will take what they can and leave you broken, she can't remember what it feels like to be dumped.

It is coming and I can't be there to hold her hand when it does, in the same way she can't hold mine through this.

How is this fair?

We held each others hand through so much in life that now we will have to go it alone?

[tojaz]

Sorry to hear that KTM. I've been following this thread post for post because it matches my own situation pretty closely. The only upside is that, if this is "the real her" you found out now while you are younger, rather then down the road. It is a harsh thing to decide, but if this is truly "the real her" would you have married her in the first place?

TOJAZ

[KTMRider33]

The only upside is that, if this is "the real her" you found out now while you are younger, rather then down the road. It is a harsh thing to decide, but if this is truly "the real her" would you have married her in the first place?

TOJAZ

 

Tojaz,

Sorry to hear you are in a similar place.

To answer your question, no if this was the real her I wouldn't have been with her for five minutes.

But it's obvious that this is a NEW her rather than the real her, and she is different to the person I married, she's not nice, everybody can see it but her.

[Nightmare]

Im also in your exact same situation(coworker,both married, kids,ect). Trying to let go is the hardest part, i know. I assume by the things you say your probably trying to win her back or show her the "new" you. Thats why your communicating with her friends, hoping they can get through to her. Ive been there done that, but she will not hear what you hear from them now, they are her friends and they will not shut her out for this, they will actually be more understanding with her, because she will lie to them and say how bad you treat her( she has convinced herself of this to justify the affar). Now you should cut all ties to anything that gets back to her and have as little comminication as possible considering you have kids. She had a chance at the start to end it right then and save her marriage or cont her affair, she chose him. Its wrong and shows what type of person she has become. Right now in my situation I just want them to end this because it does drive me crazy. But i relize at this point it will only end because of them, not me or what anybody else tries to tell her. She doesnt care. Believe me I still find myself dressing up when I know shes coming over to pick up kids(yes im getting primary cust.). Somewhere inside I feel like I want to win her back. But when I think long term if I actually did win her over, I cant see myself ever trusting her again or even forgiving her (not so much for the affair itself, but for treating me the way she has now). So I am starting to see it as wasted effort and time. Shes been with someone else sexually and emotionally, How can anyonyone look past that and try to save the marriage. I think if we start accepting that, we can all move on. Its easy to say but hard to do, Im getting there.

[TrustInYourself]

Fog of the affair. All the way. Google it.

[tojaz]

Tojaz,

Sorry to hear you are in a similar place.

To answer your question, no if this was the real her I wouldn't have been with her for five minutes.

But it's obvious that this is a NEW her rather than the real her, and she is different to the person I married, she's not nice, everybody can see it but her.

 

The position, i took, was to wait and see which her would win out. I decided that I could forgive the old her for what the new her has done to me, but the new her is not welcome in my life. Unfortunately I still see bits of both so, who knows. It's enough to drive a guy mad! Anyways, keep your head up and stick to your guns. If she comes back, make sure it's the wife you want otherwise you are probably better off. Easier to say then to do, but it's true. I'll be watching, best of luck to you.

TOJAZ

[KTMRider33]

Had a real rollercoaster this weekend!

My first weekend with the kids..GREAT

Her first weekend free to shag OM all the weekend.....Not so great

I took the kids to a local seal sanctuary which they loved

I watched all the happy families having fun which I hated

The kids have both developed eczema, I have been told this probably due to the stress of the split.

So highs and lows, mostly lows.....

My daughter mentioned something that suggested she may have walked in on my stbx and the OM having sex, but when I pursued it she clammed up, may just be me being paranoid.

Got to keep up the good fight.

I've just put together my c.v to apply for a new job, my current job is looking shaky due to the construction industry being shot to bits, and I must confess I haven't been performing since this first started.

I always hated my job but put up with it because I had a wife and kids to come home to, now I hate my job and my wife has left me...recipe for a S**t life soooo I've been tipped off by a friend about a job with a company I used to work for doing something different, a whole new challenge, clean slate, new start....downside is pay will be far less, but what the hell it's only money!!!!

I'm due some luck after the time I've had, this could be the start of something good.