My sorry tale!

[seibert253]

We said goodbye this morning...I am going away for the weekend and she will be gone when I get back......it's a sad day.

She went out with my friends wife last night, and told her she had been unhappy and would have left me at some stage even if this new guy hadn't come along.....he just sped up the process, as did me finding out.

I suppose I couldn't have expected anything else but self justification.

I AM SO SAD

IT HURTS SO MUCH

IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE

She cried and said she was sorry about all the pain she had caused me.

I said she could have made different choices.

She agreed.....It's over,I just have to get used to that fact.

Life is brutal sometimes.

I just wish I could get some relief from the pain.

Time to be a man.......although I feel like a little lost boy

 

There is relief from the pain but it takes time. With distance the time it takes to get over this death will lessen.

 

You are suffering from grief because this is the death of the wife you once knew and loved. She no longer is that person. This is also the death of your marriage. Something you've invested your life in.

 

You fought the good fight my man, nothing to be ashamed of. You did everything in your power to right her wrong. But you cannot. It is her wrong, not yours. She may not see this now, but later down the road she will and think WTF have I done. Sorry, too late my dear.

 

You will heal, you will be better, stronger, and faster, (stole that from the 6 million dollar man).

 

This is you time. Concentrate on being the best dad, and the best you, you can be.

 

Take this day by day, and deal with it one day at a time. Every day not taking the eternal dirt nap is a good one.

 

We're here for you when you feel like crying and we're here when you just want to vent and scream, but remember we're here.

 

Peace my friend.

[hopesndreams]

So sorry KTM.

 

I AM SO SAD

IT HURTS SO MUCH

IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE

 

It doesn't get any worse, the pain will lessen each day, I promise. Going through the same thing myself, a month in, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....I see it in the distance, there isn't total blackness anymore.....and you will too. Work toward the light, that's where your freedom lies.

 

In the meantime, your pain needs a release. Cry, let those tears flow. Try not to be overcome with distractions at this time either. You need YOU time to work through the emotions and to sort them out.

[KTMRider33]

Just wanted to say a heart felt thanks to everyone.......I know my life is going to be very different from now on.

I think I may have had my darkest hour, but I'm not going to kid myself I don't have tough times ahead.

On the five hour drive to my Mum's I did a lot of thinking about my new life, and in between massive lows, fear, and pain, I had a few flashes of something that might just be hope.

We all have choices....and I know I have the choice to wallow and stagnate, dreaming of the life that once was, that never can be again.

or I can move on and find out what will be.

I am bored.....bored of feeling like this, it's getting soooo old .....I'm bored of talking about nothing else.....thinking about nothing else.

It's getting me knowhere....the sooner I can start getting some positive things happening the better.

I think our brains create pathways like a well worn track across your favourite park.

The more the path is walked the more it's worn....so negative and positive thoughts and actions create....habits

I have after seven or eight weeks of hell created so many negative thoughts that I'm struggling not to feel the same, or think the same because it's becoming a habit......a habit I must break. I need the grass to grow back over that pathway because it hurts, and it wont let me move forward.

I need to make a new path, a happy one.

I'm sure most of us have fought the fight, to leave the past in the past.....if I keep looking back I'll hurt my neck and walk into things.

I'm struggling with the illusion that they are having a 'perfect' time, but that is just an illusion.....nothing is perfect.

I don't need to keep replaying the past, I cannot change it, it's just that, the past.

I need to work hard on not caring....no maybe not because that's a negative....erm I need to work so hard on me, that my life is too full to consider her....that's better

I just need to heal the hurt in my heart, and re-build a better me.

As you may have realised, this is a better day.....not great, I'm not jumping for joy, I'm not smiling, but It's just a little bit better, and that's something to celebrate.

[Jonesey]

Those "flashes" of hope you talk about is the inner you knowing the future can be bright without your SO. Believe me, these flashes will become bigger and brighter as the time goes on. Just last week I was balling my eyes out and was almost unable to work because of my situation. It was a real pity party and it was my own brain not enabling me to let go. Last week was my breaking point and I finally looked myself in the mirror and said "NO MORE!!!".

 

I have definetly jumped the ruts and am blazing my own path at this point in time. No more worrying about the STBXW, her new relationship or our failed marriage. It's not that I don't care, I finally see where my path should be and am actively pursuing that path without my STBXW.

 

I am not trying to make this post about me, but you will be at the same crossroads eventually. How fast you get there is up to you. It can happen pretty quickly if you just let things go. I know it's hard, but it has to be done. Think positively about YOU and your life, don't think about her life at all. Protect yourself and your assets by getting a lawyer and filing for divorce. If you get the ball rolling on the big "D", you will call the shots and get most of what you want. It's not about the marriage anymore, it's about YOUR life. Beat this into your head at all costs, NO MORE MR NICE GUY!

 

Once you do this, I guarantee that your STBXW will do a 180 and want to fix the marriage. You need to be in a place so that you are able to tell her to pound sand. I am not a believer in reconciliation anymore, it will never again be an option for me in this relationship or any other for that matter. Once a woman leaves you for another man, the relationship is dead and a reconciliation will never work. Trust me, I took mine back only to have the same, dead, shell of a person come back in my life who did the same thing to me as the first time four months later.

 

Hope this helps....

 

Jonesey

[hopesndreams]

Just wanted to say a heart felt thanks to everyone.......I know my life is going to be very different from now on.

I think I may have had my darkest hour, but I'm not going to kid myself I don't have tough times ahead.

On the five hour drive to my Mum's I did a lot of thinking about my new life, and in between massive lows, fear, and pain, I had a few flashes of something that might just be hope.

We all have choices....and I know I have the choice to wallow and stagnate, dreaming of the life that once was, that never can be again.

or I can move on and find out what will be.

I am bored.....bored of feeling like this, it's getting soooo old .....I'm bored of talking about nothing else.....thinking about nothing else.

It's getting me knowhere....the sooner I can start getting some positive things happening the better.

I think our brains create pathways like a well worn track across your favourite park.

The more the path is walked the more it's worn....so negative and positive thoughts and actions create....habits

I have after seven or eight weeks of hell created so many negative thoughts that I'm struggling not to feel the same, or think the same because it's becoming a habit......a habit I must break. I need the grass to grow back over that pathway because it hurts, and it wont let me move forward.

I need to make a new path, a happy one.

I'm sure most of us have fought the fight, to leave the past in the past.....if I keep looking back I'll hurt my neck and walk into things.

I'm struggling with the illusion that they are having a 'perfect' time, but that is just an illusion.....nothing is perfect.

I don't need to keep replaying the past, I cannot change it, it's just that, the past.

I need to work hard on not caring....no maybe not because that's a negative....erm I need to work so hard on me, that my life is too full to consider her....that's better

I just need to heal the hurt in my heart, and re-build a better me.

As you may have realised, this is a better day.....not great, I'm not jumping for joy, I'm not smiling, but It's just a little bit better, and that's something to celebrate.

 

Good to see that you will be able to get through this. You have a wonderful perspective on this and reading this post has helped me as well. We're hurting, we're not dying. There is so much in life to look forward to and it's so important to not get stuck in the doom and gloom of it all.

[KTMRider33]

Good to see that you will be able to get through this. You have a wonderful perspective on this and reading this post has helped me as well. We're hurting, we're not dying. There is so much in life to look forward to and it's so important to not get stuck in the doom and gloom of it all.

 

H&D's you're right......we're not dying it just feels like that sometimes;)

I am dreading going home tomorrow and I know it will be a shock seeing the place with all her's and the kids stuff missing, I suspect I may end up blubbing, but it wont matter because she wont be there.

I'm preparing myself for having to speak to her about the kids etc.

I know she will want me to be at her back and call for looking after the kids.....but you know what, it will be when it's convienient for me.

[Cali Chris]

Hey, KTMRider33

 

I am in a similar situation as you. And H&D's and Jonesey, and the rest are right. Were all hurting, but we can sometimes get glimpses of that hope! We cant always see it right now but it's there. All that you are and all your love for her sometimes clouds the view!! We do things because of our heart and our hurt and pain, not using our brains!! It's been almost 6 months for me, and I feel as you do still sometimes. You have to focus on you, and the kids and that's the bottom line! I have tried my best to do what I can , It's not always easy and you'll have the days where you cant stand it, and ask why all over again?? but we will all get by, being on this forum , is one of the best things, and your right on one of your posts.. there are still good people who care out there!!

 

Good luck and take care of you...you!!

[Gowithflow]

Yo-

I really can't add much here except the fact that I'm 7 months in to the exact same thing and I've been through it all with the ex. Now, I just plain dread seeing her.

I've become the dad to my daughter that I should have been from the start, and I think that is the silver lining of the whole ordeal. Other than that, it's been hell. I'm not going to lie. But, I no longer have the anxieties that haunted me for the first several months.

I feel good for the most part and I have a lot of fun being single. My point is, GIVE IT TIME. I've been down this road several times. It gets harder each time, but there is light, and to waste time on a cheater and a liar is a complete joke! at least while it's still going on!!

It's all about managing the feelings that come naturally. The pain, fear, hurt, heartache, jelousy, everything! It's very real, and again, very natural. There's no shame in all of this. It's one of life's curveballs. Happens to the best of them.

 

One year, 5, 10, 20, there's no guarantee's that's for sure. Dreams are shattered and we move on. Kids adjust and people change. We move on and make the best of things. Just ask anyone who's been divorced for more than a couple years. It's always the same answer. Things are WAY better!!! I'm not there yet, and I feel all the waves of emotion that I did in the start, but it's nowhere near as intense or as often and that is where the hope lies, (that and the freedom).

 

I feel for you my friend. You are not alone. You are strong and that will help you cope. You will adjust. There is no other option. Pity is not your friend. Neither is the bottle. Work out whenever possible. I've been cage fighting and wow, I gotta tell ya it feels great to hit and be hit! I'm injured now, (broken knuckle), and I'm feeling down because of it, but not as down as I ever was in the beginning.

 

Live in the moment. Not the past or the future. Even if it's just minutes at a time. It helps. I learned that in therapy and I practice it daily.

 

Remember, your situation is not unusual. things could be WAY worse.

[KTMRider33]

So last night I started chatting to a girl on line, seemed nice just friendly chit chat....her profile didn't specify her marrital status, but DOH! I had assumed she must be single........when I asked guess what?

 

Yes I'm married......I love him but I'm not in love with him......I think I may have fallen out of love, FFS.

I thought a bit of on line chat would help restore my faith in women, not make me think they where all at it.

Well I told her straight my opinion......we will not be chatting again

[webmuse]

Don't give up.. there are some of us out there that don't cheat!

[KTMRider33]

Don't give up.. there are some of us out there that don't cheat!

Good to know muse

Somebody wise said it was the universe telling me I had stuff to deal with before I could start moving on......and I believe him.

It was a message, way too much of a coincidence.

 

Got home tonight and she has gone!

But she's taken very little and binned a lot of stuff.

I mean literally her clothes, books etc, a couple of bits of furniture, and some stuff for the kids.

It will cost her a fortune to kit out her new place.

Is this usual for a walkaway wife on the run just to leave so much of their old life behind and start a fresh?

Her goodbye note.... not word for word as I burnt it straight away.

 

S,

I'm so sorry I broke your heart.

I will always treasure the memories of the wonderful times we had together.

I'm sorry I wasn't a proper wife to you.

I hope one day you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Stay strong

Love

E, X

 

Anybody fancy a stab at translation?

Should I try and analyze it or ignore it?

It is so at odds with everything she's said, as always it's playing with my head.

I can't believe the woman who could not remember anything good about our relationship is going to treasure memories......think I should just forget it

[hopesndreams]

Don't read anything into what she wrote. She wrote it for herself, not you. The treasuring the memories and sorry for breaking your heart is no different from what my H has been telling me for months. It makes them feel better about themselves. I don't get why....It's just more bullsh*t from them you have to work through. Expect more of that same line of crap that they all use. So unoriginal and boring.

[hopesndreams]

I thought a bit of on line chat would help restore my faith in women, not make me think they where all at it.

 

Don't ever lose your faith in women, there are plenty of us out there that absolutely, positively would never cheat. I haven't lost my faith in men even though I thought my H would absolutely, positively never cheat on me. How wrong I was!

[seibert253]

KTM that note was ment to help her feel better about what she's done. To help her in her own mind to say "well I tried". No she didn't, you did.

 

Put it were it belongs, in the trash.

 

Peace my brother.

[KTMRider33]

Well that's two nights without her....and I didn't sleep too bad, dosed myself up with cammomile tea!!!

Sent her an email this morning telling her how much I am prepared to pay per month.

I based it on the CSA (Child support agency)calculator, she's not going to be happy at all....it equates to about 30% of what she wants!

But why should I support her new lifestyle, she earns good money?

I need money so I can look after my kids when they stay with me, which hopefully will be 50% of the time.

When we spoke last night she said she didn't want to give her house key back as the house was still half hers!!!!!

I said she can keep the key if she pays half the mortgage otherwise I'll be changing the locks....she doesn't own half the house, she shares half of the debt!

I asked if I was being unreasonable.....she didn't reply.

I told her she had left some stuff,and she said she'd be round while I was at work,I said NO WAY....I wont be going in to her new place and she wont be coming back in the house.

I am standing my ground, not getting emotional, she must face the consequenses of her actions, I feel like I'm being harsh, because I still love her, but I must deal with this as though I am dealing with someone I don't know.....because she has become someone I don't know.

Seeing the kids tonight WOOOHOOO

[mark982]

ktm, way to stand up for yourself.she's probable not use to you being so forward.now one thing i don't understand though is,if you're going to have your kids 50% of the time,why should you pay any child support?So basically you're going to pay for the kids when they're with you,and the kids when they're with her!where's her financial responsibility here? all in all that makes you responsible for 100% of child support.

[TrustInYourself]

KTM its not harsh, you are being honest with yourself about the situation and acting responsibly. This is exactly the right course of action.

 

It serves three purposes.

 

1.) You begin to truly come to grips with the situation.

 

2.) She begins to truly understand that this decision will have consequences she has yet to even begin to fathom.

 

3.) You can not move forward with your life and your childrens lives without dealing with the present situation.

 

You did not want this, you should not feel guilty about doing what is tough but necessary to ensure your future wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children. It will hurt at times. It will feel like you are cutting to shreds the last vestiges of hope. But in the end, you are treating your wife exactly how she demands to be treated and looking out for yourself. Hang in there, it will get worse before it gets better.

[KTMRider33]

Put a pic on my profile, chap named 'Bricktop' from the movie Snatch,(Please note I am far more handsome in person;)) one of his quotes from the film is.

Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible xxxx... me.

He's not a great role model, he feeds people to pigs....but as far as my ex is concerned I am now......an 'orrible xxxx, I am her nemesis.

 

Well I had a wonderful night with the kids...

It was really hard picking them up from nursery,

My 3 year old daughter shouted DADDY, and jumped into my arms and squeezed me tight and wouldn't let me go, needless to say I had tears running down my face but tried not to show her I was upset.

We played and had tea, then a fun bathtime and bed.

There where a couple of when is mummy coming home questions, and are we going to our new house?

But they feel safe and secure, because they've grown up in my house.

Neither of them wanted to let got when I dropped them off this morning, up until yesterday I hadn't seen them for a week...the longest time away from them since they where born!

This is the hardest thing, the betrayal and loss of my wife is one thing, but losing 50% of my time with the children is worse....I just have to make the time with them special, I suppose I may have taken that time for granted before, not now.

Trying not to wonder what she was doing with her free time, must push that out of my mind.

I have a night out with some friends on Saturday, I want to enjoy it, I know it's too soon to really have a good time, but if I stay away from the booze I might just have a reasonable time, and that is my aim.

Thanks once again for all the love and support everyone has shown, LS has helped me so much, just typing events out helps, but getting positive messages especially from people who have suffered similar gives hope for the future.

BTW my night out includes two very beautiful women, hhhmmm may have to upload some pictures of me having a cuddle with them to Facebook....I'm sure it wont take friends long to tell her.

But then again why should I care.

[seibert253]

Put a pic on my profile, chap named 'Bricktop' from the movie Snatch,(Please note I am far more handsome in person;)) one of his quotes from the film is.

Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible xxxx... me.

He's not a great role model, he feeds people to pigs....but as far as my ex is concerned I am now......an 'orrible xxxx, I am her nemesis.

 

Well I had a wonderful night with the kids...

It was really hard picking them up from nursery,

My 3 year old daughter shouted DADDY, and jumped into my arms and squeezed me tight and wouldn't let me go, needless to say I had tears running down my face but tried not to show her I was upset.

We played and had tea, then a fun bathtime and bed.

There where a couple of when is mummy coming home questions, and are we going to our new house?

But they feel safe and secure, because they've grown up in my house.

Neither of them wanted to let got when I dropped them off this morning, up until yesterday I hadn't seen them for a week...the longest time away from them since they where born!

This is the hardest thing, the betrayal and loss of my wife is one thing, but losing 50% of my time with the children is worse....I just have to make the time with them special, I suppose I may have taken that time for granted before, not now.

Trying not to wonder what she was doing with her free time, must push that out of my mind.

I have a night out with some friends on Saturday, I want to enjoy it, I know it's too soon to really have a good time, but if I stay away from the booze I might just have a reasonable time, and that is my aim.

Thanks once again for all the love and support everyone has shown, LS has helped me so much, just typing events out helps, but getting positive messages especially from people who have suffered similar gives hope for the future.

BTW my night out includes two very beautiful women, hhhmmm may have to upload some pictures of me having a cuddle with them to Facebook....I'm sure it wont take friends long to tell her.

But then again why should I care.

 

You've come far Grasshopper.

Success is the best revenge.

[KTMRider33]

You've come far Grasshopper.

Success is the best revenge.

 

But I am not yet able to walk the rice paper without leaving a trace......and as far as taking the pebble from your hand, well that is some time away.

Sometimes it's nice to have the moral high ground, the view is good and the air is sweet.

I've been reading some stuff on Cosmic Ordering and Positive Thinking, and I'm giving it a go.

You know what, one of the reason I had reservations about getting married and having kids, was the fear that what has happened to me would happen!!!!!

One of the first stories I read was about what you most fear comes true, that if you dwell on something or leave it sitting in your subconscious it will happen.

Now I am in no way blaming myself for what has happened, but I do think if you think negative things, negative things will happen.

Whether you believe in some cosmic power or not.....just carrying negative thoughts is not going to make you happy.

At this massive low point in my life having positive thoughts IS going to be hard I know that, but if I can think positively now, I should be able to manage it for the rest of my life.

I don't mean just pushing the bad thoughts out of my head, but accepting the pain and then concentrating on the good things in my life.

As Gunny says most people are as happy as they decide to be.

Well I want to be really happy.....roll on my life

Let the pain fade away

[Darth Vader]

Why are you paying her? She left, you didn't! Don't pay her ANYTHING!

[hopesndreams]

BTW my night out includes two very beautiful women, hhhmmm may have to upload some pictures of me having a cuddle with them to Facebook....I'm sure it wont take friends long to tell her.

But then again why should I care.

 

Try not to deny your feelings KTM, look inward for happiness for now it will do you so much good in the long run. Take this time being alone to get to know you and discover that you aren't so bad, work on your weaknesses and praise your strengths. Only then would you be successful in tackling what life throws at you. Experiences like these can make us tougher and stronger or have the opposite effect of making us fearful and sad.

 

Enough psychobabble!

 

Have a great nite out, you deserve it.

[KTMRider33]

Well I had a good night out on Saturday.

When I say good I mean I didn't end up crying in the corner!!!!

In fact it was better than that, I was surprised at what a good time I had.

But today is a bad day, I woke up this morning feeling bad, all the feelings as raw as they were at the start....I just want to cry.

I suppose I should expect the rollercoaster ride, but I thought I was moving forward, maybe I just have to accept I will have days like these.

I have had limited contact and I know that is doing me good, as everytime I get a text about the kids it hurts, so the less contact the better.

I better get on and do some work, I have the kids for two nights from tonight and I need to be strong for them.

[LovieDove24]

Yes indeed you are going to have a lot of crappy days interspersed with some good ones. Try to make plans with friends as often as possible. Also plan fun things with your children when you have them to keep your mind off what the beeotch is doing while they're away. Keep up the good work and I REALLY like the firm email you sent her about the house and the finances.

[KTMRider33]

I DON'T F****N BELIEVE IT!!!!!!

I am so mad I'm fuming.

I've had my children tonight and my three year old daughter told me she's been to the beach with my stbx and who I think is the OM....FFFS

and by the sound of it he has a son.

What the hell is she thinking, it's only been two weeks since she left, has she gone mad?

I was thinking when I find somebody new it would be a long time before I introduced her to my kids.

I read an article in affairs today, and it mentioned the release of chemicals in the brain that gives that 'In Love' feeling, and it was compared with drug addiction, and that WAS's can think they've found their soulmate due to this, but it's just a delusion.

I think this guy works in the same school as her, that would explain a lot.

I know I have to not care but today has been a S**t one.....I thought I was through the worst.