When is the right time?

[Widowed]

I am a 35 years old. My wonderful husband of 12 years died 6 months ago. I am still considered part of his family and I love them dearly. They are concerned that I eventually get on with my life so I know there is no problem there.

 

At this point in time, I still have no desire to get back in the dating thing. My question is how long is the proper length of time after your spouse dies before you get back out there and start the dating scene again?

 

I am still in mourning so I am wondering if I should wait until enough time passes that I don't feel so devastated by my loss. Or would it make me feel better if I were to date casually? I know this is a hard one, but I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be welcome.

[D.]

First of all, please allow me to express my deepest sympathy at your loss. I know it will take time for the pain to subside and you will never forget him and the times you had together. You can cherish those memories always. If your late husband could communicate anything to you, I feel certain that he would want you to be happy and carry on with your life

 

It is wonderful that you have the support of your late husband's family and that they are concerned that you move on.

 

Don't force yourself to date just because you feel you are supposed to. Wait until it is comfortable for you. However, and this is only a suggestion, I would not wait much longer than a year if it were me. Also, there is really NO set time in this day and age of an appropriate waiting time. You are not betraying the memory of your late husband should you feel comfortable enough to accept a date tomorrow.

 

In the mean time, go out with girlfriends to places where there are men in order to get back in the swing of things and become accustomed to being around other males without the threat or discomfort of being on a date.

 

Eventually, you will become more comfortable and perhaps even meet someone during one of your nights out. Feel free to let him know you are recently widowed, but, until you know him better, try your best to refrain going into much detail of the last days of your husbands life (if it was a sudden death, telling the cause is okay) and don't share with the new man all about your life with your deceased husband. That part can come later once you get to better know the men you meet.

 

Remember, when dating, you may sometimes only see the man once or twice and one or both of you may find you are not compatible. That is what dating is all about. Just move on to the next man that interests you and carry on from there.

 

Again, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to ease back in the dating scene by first going out with a group of women (or men and women) to meetings, clubs, parties, other functions where other men are present. This should serve as a comfortable segway into a possible dating situation.

 

Best of luck to you and I feel sure you will be just fine.

[Tony T]

You really need to go with your feelings here. When you feel comfortable about seeing other men, that's the time. There is no manual written about this subject because everybody's different.

 

There are some people who can't stand to be alone who remarry in a matter of months. There are many others who even date again and they are OK with that.

 

If you are not used to going with the way you feel, you may need some guidance there because that's the best guidance you can get.

 

If you do feel OK about it, go on a date and then find you did not feel good about the dating idea, back off a while and let the healing process take a little longer. The go for it again.

 

In summary, when you feel good and right about dating, that's the time.

[Miranda]

You have to do what feels right. Unfortunately, we don't have formal mourning periods like generations past, but I think we should, in order to save the widow/er heartache.

 

At this point, it's WAY too early to start dating. If you have to ask, or wonder if you should, it's too soon.

 

All her friends were trying to fix her up, trying to ignore her grieving. It was terrible.

 

My Mom waited 5 years...it took her that long...you'll know when it's right to do...

[DARCY]

I disagree with this response. I understand it is hard to deal with the death of someone so close to you, but the more you wait, the more you risk falling into a deep depression over your loss. Being around people is a great help & what better way to attempt to get on with your life than by moving on & finding someone else? Don't sit around & feel sad all the time--LIVE! You are still alive & though you will never forget your late husband, there is no reason to go on being depressed forever.

You have to do what feels right. Unfortunately, we don't have formal mourning periods like generations past, but I think we should, in order to save the widow/er heartache. At this point, it's WAY too early to start dating. If you have to ask, or wonder if you should, it's too soon. All her friends were trying to fix her up, trying to ignore her grieving. It was terrible.

 

My Mom waited 5 years...it took her that long...you'll know when it's right to do...