Frightened I'll feel lonely forever...

[Jim]

Hi.

 

I'm not sure if this is really the right place to post this. I guess that technically I can't claim it's a relationship problem, but lots of you seem to talk lots of sense, and I'd like some advice

 

Ok. I'm 24 years old, and I'm single, and I've always been single, and I don't know why or how to get out of this. Every other aspect of my life feels fairly normal. I've got a really good bunch of friends, some of who I'm *really* close to (both male and female), I've got a job which is fun, I do regular social stuff and quite often get to meet new people. But I never seem to get even the slightest signs that anyone is ever actually interested in me, romantically or sexually.

 

When I was younger I used to assume this just meant I was ugly, but I'm kind of old and wise enough to know now that that's pretty stupid, that physical appearance doesn't matter that much and that I'm averagely attractive anyway, at least as far as I can tell. But that means there must be something else I'm doing wrong, some signals I'm just failing to give out or whatever, and that just feels like stuff I can't begin to undersstand without some experience (and I'm not going to get any experience until I understand it...)

 

Obviously this is stuff I've discussed with my friends. They all seem absolutely convinced that I've just been unlucky so far, but that it's only a matter of time until I meet the right girl and I'll be able to fall in love with someone who loves me. I just can't quite believe them though...almost all my friends have good, strong, sensible grown-up relationships and just assume that, because it happened for them it'll happen for everyone eventually. But what if it doesn't? I know for a fact that lonely old men *do* exist, and some of them are perfectly nice, good people, who just never managed to sort these things out. I can't stand the idea that I might end up one of them.

 

And it feels increasingly urgent that I sort this out. I feel like I'm becoming more and more distanced from other people my age because of it. My virginity already makes me feel like a bit of a freak now...imagine how bad it's going to be if I get to 30, or 35, or...

 

I think maybe the closest thing I've had to a real reason for this was something one of my best friends suggested a while ago. She told me maybe I was just too nice to poeple, "cos you make us all want to be your friend so much that thinking of you in any other light doesn't happen". And I can almost see how that makes sense, but it's too depressing an idea for me to let myself believe it. Do I really have to become a less good person before anybody is going to find me attractive? If that was true it'd imply *such* bad things about human nature...

 

So yeah, any advice any of you might have would be really great. I'm feeling worse about this every day, I feel like I only want to make a connection with somebody, it shouldn't be too much to ask, but whatever deficiency I've got might just ruin the rest of my life unless I can sort it out. Have any of you been in the same situation? how did you get out of it? and what's wrong with me?

 

thanks for reading this,

 

Jim

[D.]

Dear Frightened, I have a few thoughts on your predicament. First of all, you do not appear to be shy as far as communicating with the opposite sex while in a group of people, however, do you put across "I want to be your pal" signals to those women you are interested in becoming more intimate with? Or do you put across "I would like to get to know you better on an intimate basis" signals? And how often do you make the opportunity to be alone with a girl you are interested in?

 

Being a virgin at the age of 24, I am wondering just how shy you are in initiating the type of conversation that would let a girl know you are interested in her. I am also wondering if you have either a fear of rejection of your advances or feel that, if engaged in a sexual experience, you may feel inadequate or uncertain that you will perform to her satisfaction.

 

You sound like a wonderful and respectful man that most women would be delighted to get to know as more than just a friend.

 

My advice is to take it slowly for the sake of your comfort. If you find a lady you are interested in, ask her out for coffee, a movie, a concert or the like. Make sure during the date that you put out the correct sigals ... the ones that say "I am interested in you as more than just a friend" ... as that appears to be your major problem at this time ... all the girls viewing you as a buddy. This means holding hands and maybe putting your arm around her shoulders or neck if at an appropriate time and if you both feel comfortable with this ... but definately holding hands.

 

Remember, not each girl you date will be as interested in you as you are in them. That is just how dating works. So move on to the next romantic interest and see how it goes. Also remember you are NOT being rejected. It is just that different women (and men) have their own individual preference in the opposite sex and you just may not be their cup of tea, and she may not be yours ... in which case, once again move on to the next girl that interests you.

 

Once you are past the first couple of dates and things seem to click, believe me, if she cares about you it will not matter how you perform in the bedroom. Not only that, but you should ask her while in bed what you can do for her to make her feel good and turn her on. Men who have had sex with many women will ask the same question of a new sex partner and the woman really appreciates it.

 

There is more I could tell you, but I do believe this is a good start. I wish you the very best and hope my suggestions are of some help to you. You sound like a great guy and, if you give out the right signals as discribed above, you are certain to find many women who are as romantically interested in you as you are in them. Don't let the occasional set back get you down. Keep moving onward and upward. You deserve the best!

[Tony T]

You'll find romance when you least expect it but first you have to change a bit.

 

First, stop being so preoccupied with finding someone. This is something that happens naturally when you least expect it. Women can sense when you are desperate and I absolutely guarantee you no decent woman will be attracted to a man they sense is desperate. Just chill, be yourself, and live your life. The ladies will come.

 

You have already communicated your feelings to your friends. Meeting people through friends is the BEST way to meet ladies. However, if your friends feel you are desperate or obsessed with this issue, there is NO CHANCE they will introduce you to somebody.

 

If you want to know what's always worked for me, get a camera and learn to take pictures. Walk up to any woman that you are attracted to anywhere, at a mall, in an office building...or even one you are interested in at work, and tell her you are practicing your photography and would like to take take some pictures of her at a park or other suitable outdoor area on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. You can pick them up or meet them there...and you'll give them copies of the pictures for their time. (Cost of film and prints, without discount, $20.) This is a non- threatening situation, it flatters them to no end, and gives them time to get to know you in a relaxed situation, away from the noise of bars, dance clubs, etc. If you do it right, you can have most any lady you want.

 

You don't have to do it that way. Learn some approaches by trial and error. Be smart. Don't act like your after a date. Talk to someone you're interested in for a few minutes...and then walk away. Do that again. Ladies that are used to being hit on are driven up a wall by men who are aloof and act like they don't care. You'll have women calling YOU.

 

Ladies like to go out in the daytime, to zoos, theme parks, concerts, art shows, etc. The daytime is a very non-threatening time for them to go out with someone they do not know well and they are far more likely to say yes. If you give them the option of having you pick them up or meeting them there, that puts them further at ease.

 

But you've got to do the work and NOT care about rejection. The amount of time it takes you to meet someone is directly proportionate to the degree that you don't care whether you meet someone or not.

 

Don't seem deparate. Don't be too available once you meet someone. Don't be their shadow. Don't get bent out of shape if they are seeing other people, be cool. Don't ask them out continuously when you first meet them. Don't return their calls right away all the time. BE A CHALLENGE. TURN THIS WHOLE THING AROUND AND MAKE WOMEN BE DESPERATE TO MEET YOU!!! Everybody, including attractive ladies, wants what they CAN'T have.

 

I'm sorry I can't sit you down in person and explain some of the things I've been through. But use some common sense and LISTEN to what I have written here and go about your business. Be comfortable alone, enough your time by yourself...because one day you will be married, you'll be up all night with a new born while your two year old is screaming at your wife, you'll have a report due at work in the morning and no time to get ready...and you will look back and wish you had appreciated this time alone a lot more than you're doing now.

[Jim]

Thanks for your comments Tony, but you're making some wrong assumptions about me. Yeah, I'm well aware of the stereotyped single-and-repulsively-desperate guy, but that's not who I am. It's hardly like I've spent the last seven years sitting around feeling miserable about the fact that (yawn) nobody wants me. Most of the time I *do* just get on with my life, I enjoy the company of my friends, I'm socially active and I just do normal-guy stuff. And every couple of years I'll have a day like today, where I suddenly realise that I'm another couple of years older and I still haven't found anyone (and these are the days I *do* admittedly start to feel a bit desperate...enough to come and whine about it on a discussion list, at least .

 

But that's my point. My life *is* full and good, and yet these things still never happen to me, and I feel I need to figure out why or else they'll just carry on not happening.

 

And you suggest that I try to make more effort to meet people in the right sort of situations, but also that I try not to care about whether I meet anyone or not...these things just seem to contradict each other. Surely if I don't care about it (which, as I say, I mostly don't) then I'm not going to want to make moves on people (which I guess, mostly, I don't)...

 

D. was closer to the truth I think, in that I do have trouble giving out the right signals. I find it really easy to make female friends, but impossible to indicate that I'd like more than just friendship. But how can I do that without appearing sleazy? Other people don't seem to need these two different modes of approaching women. My friends all seem to act in pretty much the same way I do, just doing ordinary kind, friendly stuff, and they manage to form full relationships like that. I can't work out what makes me so different, but for some reason women only ever seem to want platonic relationships with me...

 

But really, you've got to believe me, I'm not giving out signals of desperation. People are actually quite often surprised to discover that I'm single, which surely wouldn't happen if I appeared desperate, would it?

 

So...hmm. Still confused. Thankyou for your posts though, it is *really* helpful to get some different perspectives on this.

 

Jim

[Miranda]

Jim:

 

You should be proud of yourself to be a virgin at 24! It's nothing to be ashamed of. You haven't had sex just to have it (like a lot of people have done and gotten hurt over).

 

Unfortunately, relationships take time. You have plenty of time, especially since you are 24!!! (I'm 30) You don't want to jump into a first relationship and immediately be ready to pair up for life!

 

It's silly to think that 'you are too nice'. Hey, nice guys finish first in my book. Maybe it's because all your friends are paired and that there are few unattached girls you could be introduced to through friends. That just means that you will have to start getting out to meet people on your own. Museums, sporting events, hobbies, or church, if you belong to one, are all places where you can meet girls with your same interests. If you have no luck there, you can always try a dating service (screens people for you). My sister did, and met a really nice gentleman.

 

You're not a freak if you're not in a relationship. Just because you are alone does not mean you have to be lonely. Women (and men, too) can smell desperation and flee faster than anything. And don't look too hard, you may attract the wrong type of girl!

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

I read D's comments and thoroughly agree with her. That's why I gave you my advice with a different slant. You need not comment on what I write, only accept what may be true for you and discard the rest. It is very hard asnwering posts when you don't have the person right in front of you to answer your questions.

 

However, I still intuitively feel you are more upset about this situation than you let on. I DO think you care, though you say you don't. My advice still stands and please pick out what may apply and delete the rest.

 

Yes, I may contradict myself sometimes because love itself is contradictory. The same place in the brain that governs love governs hate as well...is that not pretty darned contradictory???

 

I think you are a very smart man and you know what to do here. You just need one breakthrough to build your confidence and you'll be able to go on from there. I also think you analyze way too much. That is absolutely true...that is what I think. You may NOT analyze too much but it is very true that I THINK YOU ANALYZE too much.

 

First, get to feeling pretty good about yourself (I think you said you do already). Second, start asking girls on dates in all sorts of circumstances. Three, go out...hold their hand...and at the end of the evening give them a big smack on the lips kiss.

 

If you're concerned that one of these ladies may pick up on your inexperience, as a young girl (18, at least) to go out with you and don't care what her opinion is.

 

Make sure you don't approach dates as a buddy thing. Don't be a friend a listen to a their problems...and DON"T let them talk about other me. Remind them they are out with you and the two of you are going to have a good time on a

 

D-A-T-E. If a lady classifies you as an activity buddy or platonic friend, it is very, very hard to get a reclassification.

 

If this doesn't apply to you, ABSOLUTELY FINE!!!

 

Your post here would possibly indicate you have a personality that is very critical of yourself and others. Stop expecting everything to be perfect...don't expect that from yourself or anybody else. If I am wrong here, so so so so so so so so sorry.

 

You just have to be confident and get out there and do it. If one sentence here applies to you, take it a build on it from there.

 

I want to see you get laid this weekend!!!

[Jim]

I also think you analyze way too much. That is absolutely true...that is what I think. You may NOT analyze too much but it is very true that I THINK YOU ANALYZE too much.

Well, I think that you're almost definitely right about that

 

And yes, I'm sorry if I was hyper critical, I guess I should understand it's not going to easy to give entirely relevant advice in this sort of context. And despite that, lots and lots of what you've said *has* been entirely relevant and very helpful. I hope I've not appeared ungrateful, cos really, the opposite is true.

I want to see you get laid this weekend!!!

Well ok, I'll do my best...

 

Thanks Tony,

 

Jim

[carol]

My advise may seem somewhat shallow, but I am a 25 year old woman so perhaps I can shed some light that the other respondents didnt.

 

I often find that men who are in your situation do not know how to look at themselves objectively as a potential date. Think about the kinds of things that attract you to a woman, and ask yourself if you posses those same things. Most people look for physical attraction first. It is not always fair but it is life. If you do some simple things to make yourself more physically attractive like working out or getting a new haircut and some cute clothes, this will give you an extra boost of confidence and will change the way you carry yourself around women. Women love confidence. I bet your cockiest friends are the ones who get the most girls even if they are not the most attractive. You may already be very attractive, but my point is that you don't see yourself that way. Making a few changes in your outward appearence may help the way you feel about dating even if you look good now.

 

I hope that you do not take this the wrong way, because I dont really know enough about you to be of great help. I hope that this will at least give you something to think about.