AquaGirl Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Okay, A little history -- I was on my BF's computer the other day and looked at the history. A site popped up that he had visited during one of his last 10 visits -- It was a link to a singles site. I asked him about it and at first he said it was old and he still kept receiving mail from there and it was from an old profile sent in a link. I asked him that evening if he had a profile on there, if he would delete it. He said it had been deleted a long time ago. So I hop on there the next day and create a bogus profile and lo and behold found that he did indeed have a profile on there- still active! I confronted him about it and he said he would delete it right away (which he did). I asked him that he needed to level with me and tell me if we need to see other people (we have been dating for 2 yrs now) and if he loved me. He said that he did love me and didnt think we should date other people. I asked him if he was unhappy in our relationship and he said no that everything was fine. He was mad at me yesterday and I told him he was mad because he got caught! Now I just have so many questions and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore....He refuses to discuss the subject if I bring it up. I just don't know if I can trust him anymore- I don't know if he met someone and was dating other people even though we have been exclusive for 2 years - I am just confused....Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he really did have an old profile he forgot about a long time ago...He DID after all delete his profile too as soon as I asked him. But now I dont trust him. Where should I go from here??? I am confused... Do I give him another chance and give him the benefit of the doubt or cut him loose? We have 2 years invested and he does say that he loves me very much... Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 He lied to you. It's as simple as that. Did he apologize for the lie? People don't "forget" such things, especially with those e-mail reminders Did he meet you on that dating site? How is the relationship otherwise? I would think, if it were healthy, this would've been a source of mild amusement rather than budding mistrust. So, what's your opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AquaGirl Posted April 25, 2009 Author Share Posted April 25, 2009 The relationship has really been great - he has never given me a reason to distrust him - he has always been honest with me and forthright about everything. He is always there for me and was there for me during my recent surgery and my parents deaths. Sexually everything is good too.. I was honestly shocked that I found this out...I have been cheated on before and there were no "signs" so to speak Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 OK, so what I'm hearing is either there is something about the tone of this interaction which rubbed you the wrong way, or there are past insecurities of your own which were stimulated by this event. You say you were cheated on in the past. Is this the first time you've felt mistrust of his fidelity? You say he has never given you reasons to feel that way but you didn't say that you never felt that way. Opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AquaGirl Posted April 26, 2009 Author Share Posted April 26, 2009 The thing that has rubbed me the wrong way is that he lied to me , number one, and number two, he told me a year and a half ago that we were exclusive and he wasnt looking anymore..etc. Truth is, I have no way of knowing if this truely was an old profile he never took down or if it was something recent. There is no way to tell...The fact that he was still checking it though (keeping his options open) kinda bothers me... He is still talking to me (reluctantly) He acts like he is mad at ME when HE is the one that got busted! I would like to continue to see him,but I just need to know the whole truth and he won't discuss it anymore with me... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 Can I ask you, when you feel a man is "keeping his options open", what exactly does that mean to you? I perceive it as a lack of commitment, but I'm a man and don't know how women perceive such things. Personally, I see the dynamic as emotional distance, though I wouldn't use that definition in the strictest sense. Is such an issue a potential deal-breaker for you? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AquaGirl Posted April 26, 2009 Author Share Posted April 26, 2009 Keeping his options open would be fine if that is what we agreed upon -- But we agreeed we would be exclusive 4 mos into the relationship. Afer 4 months we both knew we had feelings for one another and loved each other. Since then, I have asked him on a couple of occaisions if he wanted to see other people or date other people and he said no....You bring up a good point though, because the longer our relationship goes on and the closer he is feeling to me, maybe it kind of freaked him out a bit. The longest he has ever dated someone is 2 years (we are going to surpass that mark here soon btw) I guess if he wanted to see other people, he had his "out" when I confronted him about the dating site. I asked him if we should be dating other people and he said no and he took down his profile and sent me the confirmation showing that he left the site. So maybe it really was an old profile...I have no way of knowing unfortunately... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 What pro-active actions could he take to show to you, beyond what you've already described (like taking down his profile), that would make you feel that he was committed without any doubt? Remember, actions, not words.... and, that word "pro-active", which means he's not "reacting" to actions or words by you... Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I think his story sounds sort of fishy, especially since he went to the dating site 10 days ago. BUT....When I was single I signed up for a few different sites just to see what was out there. I deactivated them, but 2 of them still send me "you have potential matches" or whatever even though I asked them to take me off their lists and deactivated my profile. So what he said is possible....I just flag them as spam and they don't even go in my inbox. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 What I'm finding a problem with is that he is angry with you and opting to not discuss this with you and when he does, it's reluctant. In my opinion, if he really cared about your feelings, he would talk about this with you in depth and make an effort to make you feel comfortable about it. The fact that he is shutting down isn't a good sign. I have issues with my boyfriend sometimes also but one thing I will give him is that he does not belittle me when I am truly upset about something. He treats it as a valid concern not only for me but for him as well and makes an effort to address it and resolve it. Anger can sometimes indicate feelings of guilt. Carhill - Chime in on this? You're a man and I feel under qualified to offer the most accurate account for this behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
smarterthanbefore Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 We women define a man keeping his options open as anything he do that would put him in direct contact with the opposite sex in a romantic way that he does on purpose. For example, having profiles on match.com, facebook, and ect. and searching through female profile. If you are happy in your relationship, why would you need to have so many social networking sites and put yourself in the position of meeting potential mates. Facebook and myspace could be for innocent use only, but dating websites are only for looking for a potential mate. If i find out my boyfriend has profile on singles. com, or any other dating web site. We are over, as he is still fishing. People don't forget they have those sites, you get to many reminders in your e-mail. Also they list the last time that person logged on to the site. Before he deleted it, you should have made him go through it with you, including the messaging and mail center. I always wondered why men break the boundaries of a relationship this way, and get mad when they are caught or the woman gets upset about it. It's like they want the comfort of the relationship with out doing the work, and still have the freedom of a single man. It don't work that way. I know all men aren't this way. But i see alot of them who still talk to ex's behind the GF back, look at other woman all the time, spend hours on porn sites and have profiles on dating sites, and wonder why women think they are dogs. Do men honestly think this is acceptable and the woman should just look the other way. It really amazes me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 Carhill - Chime in on this? You're a man and I feel under qualified to offer the most accurate account for this behavior. I personally think the issues are far more complex than an online dating profile but we'll have to wait on the OP for that. TBH, I'm probably the wrong guy to ask about how men typically process this stuff because I'm more out there with my emotions and more engaged than is typical. For me, anger = hurt, and, generally, it usually played out as hurt + repression + anxiety + time = anger. That was before MC. I was fighting my natural setpoint to be more like what a man is "expected" to be and it was just unhealthy for myself and the relationship. When I didn't disclose about meeting my female friend, I felt guilty and expressed it as remorse. I saw my responsibility and my feelings of hurt from the marital dynamic to be two separate issues. I expressed the emotions (remorse and frustration) separately. I'm unclear whether the OP is facing a similar situation or not with her SO. As I said, I'm likely the wrong person to comment on some aspects here... Link to post Share on other sites
MichiganMan222 Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 Having an online profile shouldn't be a problem. Its what he's doing with it that I would worry about. I am in a happy, healthy, committed relationship and all three of my online dating profiles from before the relationship still exist. However, they are all hidden or invisible. And yes I do still get emails from the site. Just routine cookie cutter emails that I delete without reading. Personally, if it were me and I was that worried about it, I wouldn't have played my hand and confronted him. I would emailed him under the fake profile and asked for a date. You would've had your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AquaGirl Posted April 27, 2009 Author Share Posted April 27, 2009 Looking back over the past few months of our relationship, I can account for all of his time (i.e. he never even goes out for a night on the town with the guys - he lives in the country so it is a major trek intown for him to do so would account for many HOURS of his time) So there is nothing suspicious there (from an activity standpoint) that would lead me to believe that he has ever hooked up with anyone from that dating site. He always is where is says he is. Plus a few times I have dropped in on him out of the blue and nothing suspicious has been going on...He never gets any weird calls in the middle of the night or anything like that either.... I never come over there to find all my stuff that I have left over there mysteriously "hidden away". My gut tells me that it probably was an old profile he was occaisionally checking on. He didn't have his pictures on the profile or anything like that. Plus on his Myspace page and Facebook pages he has his status listed as "in a relationship" (with me). Plus I did give him an "out". When I confronted him I asked him if we should start seeing other people and if that was what he wanted - he said no. And he did delete his profile right away when I asked him. CarHill maybe you can comment on this , but don't guys like the reaffirmation that they are desireable even if they have a girlfriend? I kinda think it is a guy- ego thing, that even if he wasn't looking, he wanted some affirmation in the form of flattery from other women to know he is still desireable...make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
sotired Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 Everyone likes to feel desirable. But some people take it to the extreme and NEED constant validation. My gut says that your guy is fine. No pictures on the profile show he wasn't really even that serious about it and his willingness to delete it shows he wasn't worried about ending contact with someone on there. The anger could have just come from him knowing he wasn't doing anything wrong, and just being frustrated at the situation. I'd let it go completely. If you find out he's been on the site again...that's when it's time to break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 CarHill maybe you can comment on this , but don't guys like the reaffirmation that they are desireable even if they have a girlfriend? I kinda think it is a guy- ego thing, that even if he wasn't looking, he wanted some affirmation in the form of flattery from other women to know he is still desireable...make sense? My psychology is a bit different than most men, so, FWIW, IME, when with a girlfriend, I did not seek the affirmation of other women nor did I look at them as potentials. The same went with my wife. It was not until I had emotionally disconnected with her that I started to see and perhaps seek such affirmation. I do know, based on how the females around me (her friends, women I would meet, etc) reacted (and continue to react) to me, that something had changed, probably signals I was unconsciously sending out. So, to extrapolate, if a man is indeed looking for that affirmation, regardless of his relationship status, IMO he must be sending out such signals, even if there are no obvious behaviors, to encourage the dynamic. Most men are pretty obvious (they don't hide their behaviors well), so, it would be a lot more "up front" than merely sending out signals of availability and/or interest. They'd be taking proactive steps, IMO. TBH, if my wife would have come to me with your concerns, I would have just eliminated the offending web site, validated her concerns, and moved on. In fact, I would have been glad that she cared enough to even talk about it. That's my can of worms Link to post Share on other sites
Author AquaGirl Posted April 27, 2009 Author Share Posted April 27, 2009 Yeah, he deleted his profile immediately and we haven't discussed it since. He even sent me the confirmation showing it was deleted right away. He has not given me any "guilt gifts" either since the incident, so I guess in his opinion is was more of a non event than in my eyes. Thanks for everyone's advice BTW!! Carhill, It has been really helpful getting a mans perspective... Link to post Share on other sites
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