Do you think most people secretly cheat?

[39388]

However, those that do the research know that people don't admit everything and they may well compensate somehow in their study.

 

and how exactly do you think they can 'compensate'...

 

I doubt they just go and ask 100 people off the street "Do you cheat?"

 

Then how do you think a survey is conducted unless they ask what they need to ask..

They likely use some form of statistical sampling. In other words, they may know that approximately a certain percent of cheaters will not admit to it. They use this knowledge to estimate the 40% do not cheat figure. They also ask the questions in ways that are most likely to get the information out and it is probably done anonymously.

 

It is not perfect, but I'm sure it is more accurate than one particular person observing everyone they know.

[Woggle]

I know plenty of people who have cheated and the women are just as bad as the men. Women really don't have the moral high ground when it comes to this issue.

[39388]

There's no way to prove one way or another, whether any statistic reflects reality. Any debates are based on anecdoetal information from both the infidelists side of the argument, to the side that isn't so paranoid. Either side is a slippery slope, since no one can read anyone else's mind.

 

You know who you are. No one else knows you better than you. Also, no one on the Internet, knows the people in your family and environment, better than you do.

I agree there is no way to prove the accuracy of a study of infidelity. However, I still think it is more accurate than someone saying "99.9% because everyone I know does it".

 

I also agree that each person knows himself or herself better than anyone else.

[Heroic]

Why did you not have pre-marital sex? because of religious convictions?

 

That was a minor part of it.

 

I saw what had done to far to many people between pregnancy and STDS. The logic of the situation says don't have sex with someone you don't want to be permanently linked too or trust with your life, so I didn't until I got married. My wife was sexually active before we dated. She abstained for 3 years while we dated. That counted for a lot with me.

[tami-chan]

I can't trust a word you say.

 

Oh and I care...:rolleyes:

[tami-chan]

That was a minor part of it.

 

I saw what had done to far to many people between pregnancy and STDS. The logic of the situation says don't have sex with someone you don't want to be permanently linked too or trust with your life, so I didn't until I got married. My wife was sexually active before we dated. She abstained for 3 years while we dated. That counted for a lot with me.

 

Very nice. Good for you both!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Using the strict criteria of infidelity (the emotional and/or sexual prioritization of another over one's partner/spouse) I would opine the majority of people will have crossed this line at least once in their lifetime. I know I have. Add to that having or supporting interactions which might impel an otherwise committed person to consider cheating (if one is single) and you have a pretty substantial portion of the population.

 

Tell me, OP, if a man is shopping with his wife and sees a nice young lady like yourself and makes a suggestive comment or, even more subtle, has suggestive thoughts and/or expressions which at that moment prioritize the young lady over his wife, is he cheating? Interesting, isn't it? I can say I know many men like this. Personally, I find such behaviors distasteful, but do know they exist. Do they meet the definition of your OP?

 

Interesting question. I would say its not. Everyone notices an attractive person. Unless you are willing to take steps to get to know that person, flirt with them, have sex with them, its not cheating. It is temptation perhaps but whether one can resist temptation is what it all comes down to. Then of course there are people that don't see WHY you should resist temptation (as people have said, they feel entitled).

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, are you trying to rationalize what your b/f did? If so, what difference does it make what other people do? What impacts on you, is who you choose to partner with. Avoid people with little to no personal boundaries or moving boundaries, who NEED a lot of external validation, who are selfish, "grass is greener" types. Add in that they treat you right by priortizing you, where you return that prioritization, and you have the recipe for a potentially successful relationship.

 

As always, there are no guarantees in life. So...you can either live it like some kind of paranoid, cynical and cowardly individual or you can give a reasonable amount of trust to someone who gives you reason to trust them, through a combination of words and actions. Even if they do cheat on you, you will survive and learn another important lesson about what red flags to look for.

 

I guess in a way I am trying to rationalise it. I've learnt a lot about relationships, both positive and negative. I don't know that I 'believe' anymore that people can be faithful. Even if they are physically, 'emotionally' they probably won't be. It has even got me doubting if I am capable of it myself. I know in the moment, I am in love and could never hurt him....but as others have said, in 20, 30, 40 years, would I still feel the same? Do we not cheat because we genuinely have no desire to...or because we know it is wrong and are scared to do something bad? It is difficult to expect 1 person to meet all your needs; and i'm not talking strictly sexual. You may love literature and the other person has no interest. For instance, I can't really talk to my boyfriend about my studies - he knows nothing about it!

 

I strive inside for something meaningful. I know nothing is forever but I think the closest you can come to forever is a bond with someone that gets you through the years. However inside, I accept, that for many that is not the reality. Many people do end up divorced, single, cheated on. It isn't the fantasy of being married and growing old together. Life is changing. As another poster said, especially with teenagers now, I think fidelity is a near impossibility for most of us. We get whatever we want, most of us think we should. And there isn't much consequence or shame. Tell a friend you've cheated, they probably won't react that strongly - its just gossip to them.

 

I just think it is such an interesting topic. The nature of being human, the fact that we always want what we can't have, the nature of love, of lust. I still think love is worth sacrificing anything for - it is the most beautiful, worthwhile thing on earth. I just think its interesting that even something as beautiful as love can be sacrificed for the thrills of our more animal side. I for one think it IS possible to be in love and to cheat. I don't know I could but I do think it is possible.

[pparrott]

* I have a few guy friends (40's & 50's age bracket) that have said to me several times that they don't cheat because they are terrified that IF their wives found out about it she'd literally kill them. They also say they feel totaly trapped in loveless marriages & for whatever reason can't walk away. They WANNA cheat - just are too afraid.

 

* I only have one female friend (in her 30's) that has confided in me about her infidelity. She was in love & quite possibly one of her children was fathered by her lover.

 

* I also have a single guy friend that will only date married women. (late 40's)

 

What's that say about all of these people.........The world is F'd Up!!!

 

I think that by the time we all reach a certain age (late 30's & 40's) MOST have cheated in one form or another! For whatever reason! It just happens.

So, your question is "secretly" ..... Isn't that part of the adrenaline rush with cheating.....the secret part?

[Nikki Sahagin]

* I have a few guy friends (40's & 50's age bracket) that have said to me several times that they don't cheat because they are terrified that IF their wives found out about it she'd literally kill them. They also say they feel totaly trapped in loveless marriages & for whatever reason can't walk away. They WANNA cheat - just are too afraid.

 

* I only have one female friend (in her 30's) that has confided in me about her infidelity. She was in love & quite possibly one of her children was fathered by her lover.

 

* I also have a single guy friend that will only date married women. (late 40's)

 

What's that say about all of these people.........The world is F'd Up!!!

 

I think that by the time we all reach a certain age (late 30's & 40's) MOST have cheated in one form or another! For whatever reason! It just happens.

So, your question is "secretly" ..... Isn't that part of the adrenaline rush with cheating.....the secret part?

 

I think the secrecy is part of the adrenaline rush, but if you loved your partner, wouldn't you feel guilt/remorse/regret? Why do some feel adrenaline and excitement and others disgust and remorse? I suppose you feel excitement if the rush from cheating outweighs the love for the spouse in that moment (marital problems, a sex slump...whatever) whereas the guilt figures more highly if the love outweighs the cheating.

 

By secretly though I meant it never comes to light. A lot of cheats are found, but just because you don't catch someone out, does that mean they have never or are not cheating?

[Reggie]

Most cheating goes undetected. I think the number of cheaters is pretty high. I know of so many folks in my life that are cheaters.

[Trialbyfire]

By secretly though I meant it never comes to light. A lot of cheats are found, but just because you don't catch someone out, does that mean they have never or are not cheating?

Nikki, this is exactly what I was saying before, about the slippery slope of arguing "for" or "against" everyone cheating. There's just no way to read anyone else's mind, therefore, no one can rationally say "everyone does" or "everyone doesn't". Of course LS ain't exactly full of rational types.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, this is exactly what I was saying before, about the slippery slope of arguing "for" or "against" everyone cheating. There's just no way to read anyone else's mind, therefore, no one can rationally say "everyone does" or "everyone doesn't". Of course LS ain't exactly full of rational types.

 

It just amazes me when a lot of people go on about their relationships being safe or immune from infidelity. You can trust and believe in your partner, but you don't live in their head nor their pocket, so how can you know? And thus goes on the blind aspect of trust.

[Lizzie60]

I think the secrecy is part of the adrenaline rush, but if you loved your partner, wouldn't you feel guilt/remorse/regret? Why do some feel adrenaline and excitement and others disgust and remorse? I suppose you feel excitement if the rush from cheating outweighs the love for the spouse in that moment (marital problems, a sex slump...whatever) whereas the guilt figures more highly if the love outweighs the cheating.

 

By secretly though I meant it never comes to light. A lot of cheats are found, but just because you don't catch someone out, does that mean they have never or are not cheating?

 

Exactly.. I would say that most A are never discovered by the SO... especially when they take place during work hours or during work 'travelling' time.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I agree Lizzie.

 

When people say 'but how do they find the time to cheat?'. Its easy! People can make time for anything if they want to; 5 minutes, half an hour, an hour - it doesn't matter. If the intention is there, it will be done. Thats why I think even in a relationship of absolute trust, you need to keep your eyes VERY wide open.

[Trialbyfire]

It just amazes me when a lot of people go on about their relationships being safe or immune from infidelity. You can trust and believe in your partner, but you don't live in their head nor their pocket, so how can you know? And thus goes on the blind aspect of trust.

You can't know for certain, one way or the other. So are you going to live your life in a fearful and paranoid state? Are you going to stop eating, for fear of food poisoning? Are you going to never cross the street, to prevent any chance of getting hit by a car? Are you going to stop interacting with people in real life, in case you get the swine flu from them? The list goes on and on.

 

Life and love are meant to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest degree within personal boundaries of ethics. Of course you'll always find unethical people, but that's their life to live. They're not my problem and I'm not going to stop believing in people who deserve respect.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You can't know for certain, one way or the other. So are you going to live your life in a fearful and paranoid state? Are you going to stop eating, for fear of food poisoning? Are you going to never cross the street, to prevent any chance of getting hit by a car? Are you going to stop interacting with people in real life, in case you get the swine flu from them? The list goes on and on.

 

Life and love are meant to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest degree within personal boundaries of ethics. Of course you'll always find unethical people, but that's their life to live. They're not my problem and I'm not going to stop believing in people who deserve respect.

 

I'm not afraid. I may end up bitter, a little exhausted and just not bothered in the end though I'm not afraid of it. As long as I have respect and morals, it doesn't really matter what anyone else does. It would be myself I would be disapointed in, no-one else can really disapoint me because they are there own people. I just think you need to live life with your eyes open and not half-shut. Trust can never be blind though it may start off that way. People change as do we, sometimes people we could once trust, change and we no longer can. I think trust in itself is a hard and difficult one. It is incredibly difficult to trust others, especially as we accumulate baggage...and I have my reasons for not trusting which stem back a few years now....

 

For me, trusting is a work in progress I will with anyone though, be prepared to have to take all that trust back. It can take a lifetime to build and a minute to snatch trust away.

[Trialbyfire]

Nikki, let's talk reality of what happened with your b/f. Before he said anything, you knew something was up. So...how did you know? Did you read his mind?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, let's talk reality of what happened with your b/f. Before he said anything, you knew something was up. So...how did you know? Did you read his mind?

 

I had that 'feeling' that you hear people talk of, that something wasn't right and so I snooped. He didn't physically cheat on me but what I found hurt me enough. Of course theres no way to read the mind but people sometimes give off strong hints and vibes. Of course not always. Sometimes there is no way to tell. I am naturally quite probing and suspicious anyway; I like to find out secrets so if I feel there's something i'm missing, I tend to dig for it.

[Trialbyfire]

I had that 'feeling' that you hear people talk of, that something wasn't right and so I snooped. He didn't physically cheat on me but what I found hurt me enough. Of course theres no way to read the mind but people sometimes give off strong hints and vibes. Of course not always. Sometimes there is no way to tell. I am naturally quite probing and suspicious anyway; I like to find out secrets so if I feel there's something i'm missing, I tend to dig for it.

Okay, so that tells you, that you had a gut feeling about it. With this in mind, do you trust your gut instincts? Do you feel they're good?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Okay, so that tells you, that you had a gut feeling about it. With this in mind, do you trust your gut instincts? Do you feel they're good?

 

Oooo good question. I think mentally, I can be a bit too cynical, paranoid, negative in terms of my thinking. So sometimes I wonder if my feelings are swayed by my thoughts. Generally I think my guy instincts are effective....but I think there are always people who can get past you. Some people do come across with a good aura, a good vibe, good feelings, but they are hiding a whole world of ugly inside.

[Trialbyfire]

Oooo good question. I think mentally, I can be a bit too cynical, paranoid, negative in terms of my thinking. So sometimes I wonder if my feelings are swayed by my thoughts. Generally I think my guy instincts are effective....but I think there are always people who can get past you. Some people do come across with a good aura, a good vibe, good feelings, but they are hiding a whole world of ugly inside.

Has that happened to you that many people have gotten through to you like that, where there haven't been any indicators of this, sooner or later?

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know where you wandered off to Nikki, but I'm going to wrap up what I wanted to get across to you.

 

You already know your instincts are good, so why not trust in yourself? Sure, there's the odd person who can get through, who's going to take you for a ride, but they're few and far between, if you trust in your instincts and yourself. So then, if the odd person fools you, you know for FACT, that you will survive AND if you take a positive approach, you're going to not only survive but excel! No one is so fragile, they can't ever take a few hits. IF someone is so fragile, there are far deeper issues to address, than simply a matter of trust.

 

In the interim or duration, why not enjoy life as it was meant to be?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Has that happened to you that many people have gotten through to you like that, where there haven't been any indicators of this, sooner or later?

 

A couple yes. I have been in a couple of situations where 'a very nice person' has really hurt and damaged me. Never saw it coming.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I don't know where you wandered off to Nikki, but I'm going to wrap up what I wanted to get across to you.

 

You already know your instincts are good, so why not trust in yourself? Sure, there's the odd person who can get through, who's going to take you for a ride, but they're few and far between, if you trust in your instincts and yourself. So then, if the odd person fools you, you know for FACT, that you will survive AND if you take a positive approach, you're going to not only survive but excel! No one is so fragile, they can't ever take a few hits. IF someone is so fragile, there are far deeper issues to address, than simply a matter of trust.

 

In the interim or duration, why not enjoy life as it was meant to be?

 

Its a good question you ask. And I don't truly know. I could explain to you but I would sound very 'me, me, me' going on about myself. I do happen to think of myself as very fragile. I am hyper-sensitive and very emotional. I think constantly and what I feel brings out feelings in me. I can't really be objective. Most things in life, everyday, make me feel something really intense and overwhelming, including love. I think I take a lot because I feel, that I just can't not love. I do trust myself, that is not the issue, but I lack security, I lack safety in my own skin. I envy people that have it. I have a lot of strong opinions, ambitions, passions, but I lack that comfort in my own self - I am a perfectionist, I constantly need more, can't relax or chill out, ever! Always need a problem. Love to me is the source of so many problems, worries, anxieties, questions...I love to discuss and analyse it. Sorry if I didn't really answer your question or have used it as an excuse to blabber on about me. I do envy though people that have that strength in themselves, I do have strength, but I don't use it unless I am forced, can't seem to just draw on it...I guess I need to be pushed rather than jump...