Here is what I find Hysterical!!

[NoIDidn't]

Was in a one year relationship, we were living together and engaged for a year. Until one day I read his text messages (yes, snooping - what an awful person), and found one from the girlfriend he had been with for the last five years............... who I never even SUSPECTED existed... he had never so much as mentioned her name.. I have to say though I was not madly in love with this man, I was with him as he chased me like crazy, I thought he might be dependable after the losers I had been in love with, and we were close friends beforehand (he had never mentioned his girlfriend during this period either). He did offer to immediately dump her once I found out the truth - which took a while as he even claimed the texts were from a man at first! How noble of him. I gave her a call explaining the situation to her, she was very shocked (and actually sounded like a very pleasant, homely girl - she was older than me by a fair amount), then I moved country!

 

Thanks for sharing the backstory. I do feel that you are attempting to compare apples and oranges though.

 

Did you have the baby? How old now?

 

Either way, I am sure you were heartbroken to find out that he was cheating on you.

[Stepone]

Sure it would. What you will put up with has already been evidenced by your involvement with a MM in the first place. So it is kind of hard to believe that if you were in a marriage, where you loved your spouse, even if they cheated you wouldn't stay and "hold on" to what you have created. JMO:confused:

 

I gave it up within two weeks of our first "date". I am not willing to put up with that!

 

And yes - to the person who said I am young and inexperienced - I am certainly inexperienced at dealings with married men. recognising the patterns, the lies, etc. I have never been married and this is the first time I have ever been attracted to a married man.

 

I just want to say that thank goodness for people like all of you (you know who you are, the regulars) who have brought me down to earth and helped me through this. Without this site - mostly just reading it from afar - I would not have been able to find the strength and see through the fog, to end it so soon. Am only just starting really to believe I have done the right thing in ending it. I know I don't know the etiquette of online forums, I am not as eloquent as wise as any of you but thanks anyway!! Anyway back to summer's point. Look at me, invading people's threads - rude little cyberho!

[Stepone]

Thanks for sharing the backstory. I do feel that you are attempting to compare apples and oranges though.

 

Did you have the baby? How old now?

 

Either way, I am sure you were heartbroken to find out that he was cheating on you.

 

My daughter is now three! We are getting along great. I think you are right, as it is different if the man knows the children but it would take the most INCREDIBLY selfless woman, in my opinion , to stay in the same house in a man who had cheated on her, for the sake of the kids.

 

I wasn't heartbroken, just in shock, the experience made me see him as someone other than the man I had thought he was so I didn't feel I was losing anything. I am just that little bit more cynical though. We had not been getting on particularly well through my pregnancy though.

[Stepone]

 

Sounds like your MM used "the kids" to sucker punch you in the A. Most of the time, its pure BS used to insulate them against the "when are you going to leave her" questioning.

 

I am hijacking this thread big time

 

I would be really grateful if you could clear this up for me - we kissed, then had a few text exchanges and phone calls in which we said we were in love and i simply said i couldn't take things further while he was married

 

he then told his whole family to ask if he should leave her for me, and then proceeded to tell her we were in love the next night and he was going to leave her. she cried all night and said it would break her heart if he left etc, and she would take their daughters far away to her own family's house.

 

This is when he told me he can't leave, but he's torn

 

What I want to know is - WHY did he tell her?

[Dexter Morgan]

My husband cheated on me most of my marriage. When I found out and dumped him he did not want to go. I actually heard him on the phone with another woman, I think this was his last girlfriend, crying about me. How funny right. We are now divorced and he has no girlfriend. Seems to funny. Some people just like the thrill of cheating not the person they are cheating with. Since I got rid of the trash I couldn't be any more content with where I am in my life. Free at last Free at last God almighty I am Free at Last!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I can hear the conversation between him and his other woman and her telling him how sorry she was and that she never wanted you to find out and cause a problem....she just wanted to boff him without you knowing for a while and didn't want anything else.

 

Feels good to be rid of a cheater doesn't it?

[Dexter Morgan]

Friends, it's not envy of SL's "happiness," that is making some of us react. It's the veiled hostility.

 

Calling ANY woman a "piece of ass on the street" is patently offensive.

 

I don't like to hear that coming from a woman trying to degrade another, but in this forum, it's especially rude.

 

its no more offensive or rude than willingly BEING that piece of ass for someone elses husband:o

[bentnotbroken]

I am hijacking this thread big time

 

I would be really grateful if you could clear this up for me - we kissed, then had a few text exchanges and phone calls in which we said we were in love and i simply said i couldn't take things further while he was married

 

he then told his whole family to ask if he should leave her for me, and then proceeded to tell her we were in love the next night and he was going to leave her. she cried all night and said it would break her heart if he left etc, and she would take their daughters far away to her own family's house.

 

This is when he told me he can't leave, but he's torn

 

What I want to know is - WHY did he tell her?

 

 

It's called manipulation.

[NoIDidn't]

I am hijacking this thread big time

 

I would be really grateful if you could clear this up for me - we kissed, then had a few text exchanges and phone calls in which we said we were in love and i simply said i couldn't take things further while he was married

 

he then told his whole family to ask if he should leave her for me, and then proceeded to tell her we were in love the next night and he was going to leave her. she cried all night and said it would break her heart if he left etc, and she would take their daughters far away to her own family's house.

 

This is when he told me he can't leave, but he's torn

 

What I want to know is - WHY did he tell her?

 

He didn't expect her reaction and probably thought he was about to throw away his marriage and a woman who did love him still (as evidenced by her saying that it would break her heart).

 

Or he lied to you and told you something he watched on TV in a bad affair movie.

 

My vote is that he lied. MM typically don't go around telling folks that they are thinking about leaving for another woman after only a kiss. Heck, they don't tell many people at all.

 

In fact, even when they leave, a lot still keep the OW in a secret state afraid to let family and friends know that they already have someone so soon after the marriage dissolved.

 

Sounds like you are still his OW, though? He's torn. Over what? Either he's going to leave or he's going to die married to her.

[jj33]

Oh no Stepone dont stay there. I spent a few months after it was over (way before I joined LS) listening to him whitter on about how much he loved me and wanted to leave and why he couldnt leave blah blah blah blah blah. And funny enough I never asked him to leave...

 

Its all garbage. The translation in non-MM speak is "I am married I am married I am married" Until you see divorce papers, those are the only words he is saying - he just dresses them up to make them sound prettier...

 

They keep you hanging on emotionally (in my case a long time after the PA was over) because you think gee hes really considering it, maybe he will finally take action.

 

Dont fall for that. Pick yourself up and get away from him. Pigs may fly before he takes action and you have a life to live. Each day you spend listening to his garbage is a day of your life you will never get back.

 

He still pulls that garbage every once in awhile (oh if I werent married yeah and if pigs could fly...) and I say yes I know that (and who cares its been over for ages....) and change the subject. Its all nonsense.

 

Theres an extent to which it feeds their ego and an extent to which it gives them the security that they are loved by someone who fills in the gaps. Well good for them. Dont be that person Stepone. Dont be that little bit of epoxy that holds his emotional life together. You deserve more.

 

If he gets the ba*ls to do something he can come find you. Your life shouldnt be put on hold in the meantime.

[Stepone]

He didn't expect her reaction and probably thought he was about to throw away his marriage and a woman who did love him still (as evidenced by her saying that it would break her heart).

 

Or he lied to you and told you something he watched on TV in a bad affair movie.

 

My vote is that he lied. MM typically don't go around telling folks that they are thinking about leaving for another woman after only a kiss. Heck, they don't tell many people at all.

 

In fact, even when they leave, a lot still keep the OW in a secret state afraid to let family and friends know that they already have someone so soon after the marriage dissolved.

 

Sounds like you are still his OW, though? He's torn. Over what? Either he's going to leave or he's going to die married to her.

 

Very interesting analysis, thank you! I dumped him so not still his OW - after a very brief fling, and after tasting the pain I was in for at weekends etc, I couldn't hack it.

It wasn't just a kiss really - we'd known each other for a couple years but only kissed once and by God it was intense after all those years of longing.

The fact that it is so extraordinary, and the sincerity and pain in his eyes, and I know he wasn't lying by the way through her friends! - makes me think he was going to leave! But he didn't. So I did.

[Stepone]

Thanks JJ for sharing your experience! Good on you not succumbing to his lies, for seeing through him.

You'd be so proud of me - I even cut off my mobile without telling him, cos he kept texting!

I am going to print that post out and stick it right next to my phone!

[jj33]

Good for you Stepone. Its hard to do but its necessary. Its the only way to get what you want. Either he will make up his mind and leave or he will stay but your life has to go on regardless. I think of all the hours and days and weeks I wasted while his life was going on. Yes my life went on too, but my emotional life was stunted because a part of me was hoping he would do something. Meanwhile he and his family were living their fabulous life... does he think of me sure we are still in touch due to business and he will contact me while he is doing various things or on vacation when there is no real need, but the fact is his life is moving on and mine needs to as well. Even if he had left it would have been imbalanced if I had been sitting there waiting like a puppy for him to "choose me". Its ugly all around. I also think its bad karma to want someone to leave a marriage if they are not certain that they want to leave. Its a HUGE decision and they have to make it on their own, in their own time, whether they stay or they go.

[Stepone]

Wow you sound like a wise lady. It must have been hard not to give in when you were still forced to be in contact but it pays dividends. Mine is a neighbour so it's kind of similar but am guessing it gets easier with time. Do you feel out of love with him now? Are you with someone else?

 

You've also got to wonder if their views of us are tainted by our very participating in such a situation. Felt like such a release to dump all the pain, but I miss the big sexy lump, whatever anyone thinks of him! But I know, if it's meant to be, it will be.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow you sound like a wise lady. It must have been hard not to give in when you were still forced to be in contact but it pays dividends. Mine is a neighbour so it's kind of similar but am guessing it gets easier with time. Do you feel out of love with him now? Are you with someone else?

 

You've also got to wonder if their views of us are tainted by our very participating in such a situation. Felt like such a release to dump all the pain, but I miss the big sexy lump, whatever anyone thinks of him! But I know, if it's meant to be, it will be.

 

He 'was' a neighbor? Does his W know he was considering leaving for you?

 

You said initially that he asked his family about leaving, now you say you know he asked his friends? This is very different as some friends have nothing to do with one's family and others are very entwined with family. Which kind of "friends" were these?

 

I still doubt he told his family unless it was one brother or something.

[Lizzie60]

I see where you're coming from, but this isn't always necessarily true. Many MMs especially those with children stand to lose more than just their wives if they leave her. The wife often uses the children as bait to make him stay, threatening that otherwise she will take them far away, and any good man who loves his children would want to hide his affair for this, and would be willing to give up the woman he is in love with for this, however much it would hurt him. Not saying this is a common scenario but just pointing it out.... i mean, if he loved his wife so much, i don't see why he would have an affair. There are more things at stake too like financial thing,s standing in the community etc but i don't see these as "valid" obstacles to true love the way kids are.

 

BUT it IS a common scenario... this is what happens MOST of the time.. the MM would leave the W in a second if it wasn't for the kids.. then the financial stress..

 

They certainly don't stay for the love of their W.. eventhough they don't want to hurt them.. cause they see them as their 'best friend'.. but if they could choose to just replace the W with the OW they would do it in a split second..

 

And I also agree.. that a lot of women, after D-Day.. feels so hurt and angry that they will use the kids to get to him.. to hurt him.. but at the same time.. they're hurting the children.. we've all seen that..

 

As you also said.. if he was sooo in love with his W.. he would not even look outside.. so something has to be missing..

 

And as so many women here say.. my SO loves me so much.. he's not even interested in other women..

[Stepone]

His wife knows, he told her, she went mad and told the whole town what he'd said

He told his parents and sister - had to travel many miles to ask their advice and they said they'd be behind him whatever he did, but to think of his girls. They don't get on with the wife though she is a wonderful person

[HappyAtLast]

Is that I am sure we are all happy that SummerLady is happy, has set boundaries, stuck to her guns, etc. But that, that deep down, everyone, including the BS's on this board, know this it was in poor taste to place her post on this particular board.

 

Gloating is just not attractive. I am sad for her that she needed to post this here

[NoIDidn't]

Is that I am sure we are all happy that SummerLady is happy, has set boundaries, stuck to her guns, etc. But that, that deep down, everyone, including the BS's on this board, know this it was in poor taste to place her post on this particular board.

 

Gloating is just not attractive. I am sad for her that she needed to post this here

 

I don't agree with you. Sorry.

 

I think that no matter where she posted it, the same personalities would have been all over her thread with the same sad rationale claiming she should have just kept it to herself.

 

If I am sad about anything, its the fact that her husband cheated on her for their entire marriage. Now THAT'S sad.

[bentnotbroken]

Is that I am sure we are all happy that SummerLady is happy, has set boundaries, stuck to her guns, etc. But that, that deep down, everyone, including the BS's on this board, know this it was in poor taste to place her post on this particular board.

 

Gloating is just not attractive. I am sad for her that she needed to post this here

 

 

Really?? I don't know that. I know that her post caused quite a stir, and I don't understand why. It does say help for those in committed relationships, wouldn't that include a BS?

[MizzBlue72]

I agree --

This OW/OM room / forum is supposed to be for support of them, not bashing.

I know that I would NEVER have come to this forum when I was in a relationship if I were to get bashed.

This forum actually helped me end my relationship with a married man.

 

This post should be moved to infedility ..... what is hillarious to you may not be hillarious to us here.

 

This forum is for 'those of us who find ouselves involved with a committed partner.' .......

[Stepone]

BUT it IS a common scenario... this is what happens MOST of the time.. the MM would leave the W in a second if it wasn't for the kids.. then the financial stress..

 

They certainly don't stay for the love of their W.. eventhough they don't want to hurt them.. cause they see them as their 'best friend'.. but if they could choose to just replace the W with the OW they would do it in a split second..

 

 

Yes Lizzie, I think I wrote that because I see people on here constantly advising OTHER WOMEN whose MM stay in their marriage "he chose HER, he chose HER"....

He chose his family. It isn't an *excuse*, it's a perfectly valid reason! And he is an honourable man for doing so in many cases. He doesn't want to tear his chldren's world apart. I think much if the parents get along ok, it is not as harmful for the kids to live in a house with parents who are "best friends" as you described. One can't generalise though.

 

Though things often aren't as awful in his marriage as he might say, they clearly aren't great if he is in tears professing his love to another girl...

[HappyAtLast]

Really?? I don't know that. I know that her post caused quite a stir, and I don't understand why. It does say help for those in committed relationships, wouldn't that include a BS?

 

I'm sorry - did I misread? Did she not dump her husband? Hence, she is not in any sort of relationship, committed or otherwise, correct?

[HappyAtLast]

I don't agree with you. Sorry.

 

I think that no matter where she posted it, the same personalities would have been all over her thread with the same sad rationale claiming she should have just kept it to herself.

 

If I am sad about anything, its the fact that her husband cheated on her for their entire marriage. Now THAT'S sad.

 

So, by your rationale it would be perfectly fine for me to START a post, on the Infidelity board, just to let all of the folks know how happy and lucky I feel to have married my affair partner? Personally, I think that would be classless, as was the original post here. Frankly, I think you believe it also....

[NoIDidn't]

So, by your rationale it would be perfectly fine for me to START a post, on the Infidelity board, just to let all of the folks know how happy and lucky I feel to have married my affair partner? Personally, I think that would be classless, as was the original post here. Frankly, I think you believe it also....

 

I started a thread that mentioned just that about you in Infidelity.

 

It asked the question about why don't the former MM announce to the *boards* that they married their OW. We get lots of OW that do that, and I've YET to see you or any of them announce how classless THAT is.

 

So, yes, I don't see a problem with her doing it here or anywhere else. She would have faced the same mindless opposition telling her that she wasn't really happy or she wouldn't have been posting it. Or that she was gloating. Or some other BS.

 

No matter where she posted it, she still would here from the Amen Corner. And I'm sure YOU know this as well.......

[OWoman]

So, by your rationale it would be perfectly fine for me to START a post, on the Infidelity board, just to let all of the folks know how happy and lucky I feel to have married my affair partner? Personally, I think that would be classless, as was the original post here. Frankly, I think you believe it also....

 

This is the same point I was trying to make, though less eloquently, earlier on in this thread:

 

Oddly enough, TOWinNYC, that's exactly what I read from the post, too - "i need the validation because my life isn't exactly what I'd hoped it would be, so let me rub someone else's face in the muck so that I can feel a little better about myself".

 

While no doubt it's true that there are SOME MMs who are in it for the thrill, certainly there are others who are not, who love their OWs. And most OWs here are going to feel that their MMs are in the latter (loving) category and so not pay the slightest attention to some clearly still damaged BS ranting at them - no more than BSs would pay were I to post an analogous post over on the Infidelity Board ("MMs really love their OWs and can't wait to dump their awful BWs. After all, mine did, and life is just so great, we go out together all the time and she's so eaten up when she sees us she turns even uglier and uglier by the day...")

 

But hey, let her and the other BSs who need the validation pat themselves on the back in this thread; no OW is going to take it seriously enough to feel offended, moved or anything else but amused or perhaps just a tiny bit pitying that some people really can't let go even when their lives are so "great".