Dad might be cheating

[mystofraven]

Ok, this one is gonna be long. My mom has been out of the country for almost a year. I came to visit him a couple of months ago and noticed feminine pads in the guest bathroom and he's changed the guest bathroom from flimsy curtains to solid glass doors (which he never uses). None of my family has come to visit and i don't use pads. I think my dad is cheating on my mom. I have no proof other than what i found in the trash can. I haven't talked to him about it but before my mom left she found a hair brush that's not hers or mine in the guest bedroom. One night not too long ago i called and it sounded like someone knocked on my dad's bedroom door. I don't know what to think and i don't want to tell my mom without knowing for sure. What should i do? should i talk to him about it and tell him what i saw and what i think about it or what? I love my dad. Sad to say but i love him more than my mom (she was very abusive) but if he is i can't put either one ahead of the other. I feel for my mom cause it's not the first time for her but i feel for my dad cause she's been away and has been very very........dificult. I love my mom cause she is my mom but my dad has always been there for me. What should i do? pls help!

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, I have thought a little bit about this.

 

If - and I am saying IF - your father has had, or is having an affair, then he has broken his marriage vows to your mother.

 

but ultimately, this is not your concern.

this is between your father and your mother.

it is not for you to judge.

 

You say your parents are separated for a year or more? In different countries?

why is this?

 

In any case, a separation of this kind can lead to loneliness and a desire for comfort, but it is an indication that all is not as it should be in their marriage.

 

In your position, I would talk to your father gently, and tell him that you are not judging, criticising or condemning.

tell him what you have noticed.

you actually don't even want to know what is going on, and even if it is....

but tell him that if he is having an affair, he owes it to your mother to be honest and declare this.

What they decide or how they decide to continue, is up to them.

 

I understand that you have different feelings for your parents. I think this is natural, even in relationships without abuse... it is normal....

But ask your father to be fair, if this is what is required.

This is what I would do in your position.

 

_/l\_

 

 

And then leave it at that.

[bentnotbroken]

Make sure you know for sure what you are talking about before you speak with your Mother. If he is cheating, she deserves to know so that she can make that decision for herself. Is there another family member you can confide in, someone you trust.

[whichwayisup]

but ultimately, this is not your concern.

this is between your father and your mother.

it is not for you to judge.

 

But he is betraying the family unit. And she has every right to judge, or feel however she feels about this. It's HER father that is cheating. The red flags and signs are all there...Plus, she's close to her father so his cheating DOES affect her! She's found questionable items and odd situations recently around him.

[TaraMaiden]

But he is betraying the family unit. And she has every right to judge, or feel however she feels about this. It's HER father that is cheating. The red flags and signs are all there...Plus, she's close to her father so his cheating DOES affect her! She's found questionable items and odd situations recently around him.

 

no,he is not.

His daughter will always be his daughter.

His love for her will always be his love for her.

the only 'betrayal' is to his wife.

His daughter may be worried, or disappointed, but she is not betrayed.

 

It's her father that is cheating yes, but he is also human. Just because he is her father does not make him separate from the human race.

She is close to her father, closer than to her mother. You would think then, that she would be happy in a way if he is seeking happiness elsewhere... but she has mixed feelings.

These are her mixed feelings and she must resolve them

nobody else is responsible for the way we are, but us.

This is not her business.

Loving her father does not make it her business.

[whichwayisup]

HE IS BETRAYING his whole family unit by cheating. He is ruining respect his daughter has for him and also, how can she be happy he's found happiness with another woman when he isnt' divorced or legally separated? It would be different if that were the case, but it isn't.

 

His daughter may be worried, or disappointed, but she is not betrayed.

 

Ask the original poster this question. IF she feels betrayed by her father's cheating, she has EVERY right to feel that way. Noone here can tell her not to feel that way.

[TaraMaiden]

Everyone feels whatever they feel due to their own perceptions. it is a choice. if she feels betrayed this is her own conclusion.

he did not begin this with the purpose - primary or otherwise - to betray her.

he is not doing the betraying.

She is feeling betrayed.

there is a difference.

 

_/l\_

[bentnotbroken]

Everyone feels whatever they feel due to their own perceptions. it is a choice. if she feels betrayed this is her own conclusion.

he did not begin this with the purpose - primary or otherwise - to betray her.

he is not doing the betraying.

She is feeling betrayed.

there is a difference.

 

_/l\_

 

 

Nope, if he is cheating his primary purpose was to dip his wick in a well that he wasn't married to. Anything that effects the family is the business of the whole family. Especially if they are of age.

[Ronni_W]

I think my dad is cheating on my mom. I have no proof other than what i found in the trash can.

What should i do? pls help!

mystofraven,

I'm sorry you're going through this -- even if your suspicions prove untrue, it's still tough to be dealing with these thoughts on your own.

 

I agree with TaraMaiden's suggestion to have a calm discussion with your dad -- without passing judgment -- with the goal of simply finding out the truth. If he is cheating on your mom, you do not have to condemn him. Certainly you can have an opinion on his actions but there is also the piece about holding compassion and forgiveness in your heart -- for your OWN peace, more than anything else.

 

It is inaccurate that children (no matter the age) have some place in their parents' sexual lives and marital relationship -- that goes against appropriate boundaries and also does not respect your Mom and Dad's rightful responsibilities and obligations to each other, as two individuals with identities separate and apart from their offspring.

 

I am wishing the best for all of you.

[NoIDidn't]

It is inaccurate that children (no matter the age) have some place in their parents' sexual lives and marital relationship -- that goes against appropriate boundaries and also does not respect your Mom and Dad's rightful responsibilities and obligations to each other, as two individuals with identities separate and apart from their offspring.

 

 

I don't think they are saying that she has any dealing in their sexual lives. But their marital relationship affects her very being if she was born and brought within the bounds of it.

 

Parents do not have the right to teach their children one thing (in this case, fidelity) and then turn around and do the opposite and try to hide behind "boundaries".

 

Its true that there is nothing she can do it he is cheating, other than tell other family members about it. But to say that she doesn't have the right to have an opinion about it or even to judge her dad's actions is where the inaccuracy lies IMO.

[NoIDidn't]

Ok, this one is gonna be long. My mom has been out of the country for almost a year. I came to visit him a couple of months ago and noticed feminine pads in the guest bathroom and he's changed the guest bathroom from flimsy curtains to solid glass doors (which he never uses). None of my family has come to visit and i don't use pads. I think my dad is cheating on my mom. I have no proof other than what i found in the trash can. I haven't talked to him about it but before my mom left she found a hair brush that's not hers or mine in the guest bedroom. One night not too long ago i called and it sounded like someone knocked on my dad's bedroom door. I don't know what to think and i don't want to tell my mom without knowing for sure. What should i do? should i talk to him about it and tell him what i saw and what i think about it or what? I love my dad. Sad to say but i love him more than my mom (she was very abusive) but if he is i can't put either one ahead of the other. I feel for my mom cause it's not the first time for her but i feel for my dad cause she's been away and has been very very........dificult. I love my mom cause she is my mom but my dad has always been there for me. What should i do? pls help!

 

Because I have been in your position more than once, I say ask him casually. Say something like "Dad, has someone been staying in the house? I found feminine pads in the guest bathroom."

 

To do it without judgment, you have to be as casual (but serious and respectful) as possible.

[Ronni_W]

But their marital relationship affects her very being if she was born and brought within the bounds of it.

Some apparent confusion around "marital' versus "parental" versus "familial" relationships. Apart from "affecting her very being" being just a tad over the top of over-dramatic.

 

Parents' sexual activities are the exclusive domain of the parents. It doesn't actually matter TO OUTSIDERS (which includes offspring), who the actual sex partner is. The idea of, "I'm gonna tell Mom/Dad and Grandma and the neighbours that Dad/Mom is having sex with whomever," is NOT healthy/functional -- it puts an onus on the offspring, the burden of which the offspring ought not be made responsible.

 

Parents do not have the right to teach their children one thing (in this case, fidelity) and then turn around and do the opposite and try to hide behind "boundaries".

Parents have the "right" to do whatever they want and please -- the same as their adult children do! Parents have as much right to self-determination, and are as empowered as any OTHER human being on the planet. Not more, and certainly not less.

 

to say that she doesn't have the right to have an opinion about it or even to judge her dad's actions is where the inaccuracy lies IMO.

You're right. I meant to say:

Certainly you can have an opinion on his actions but

Thanks for allowing me to clear that up

 

mystofraven, to clear up any misunderstanding that my post may have caused -- you are absolutely entitled to ALL the feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs and perceptions that you do have. IMO, when approaching your Dad, it may be serve everyone involved best if you can keep an open heart. Not at all that you MUST be compassionate and understanding...only do so if those qualities align with your OWN values and principles. Of course.

Again. Wishing you happy outcomes.

[NoIDidn't]

Some apparent confusion around "marital' versus "parental" versus "familial" relationships. Apart from "affecting her very being" being just a tad over the top of over-dramatic.

 

Parents' sexual activities are the exclusive domain of the parents. It doesn't actually matter TO OUTSIDERS (which includes offspring), who the actual sex partner is. The idea of, "I'm gonna tell Mom/Dad and Grandma and the neighbours that Dad/Mom is having sex with whomever," is NOT healthy/functional -- it puts an onus on the offspring, the burden of which the offspring ought not be made responsible.

 

Parents have the "right" to do whatever they want and please -- the same as their adult children do! Parents have as much right to self-determination, and are as empowered as any OTHER human being on the planet. Not more, and certainly not less.

 

You're right. I meant to say:

 

Thanks for allowing me to clear that up

 

mystofraven, to clear up any misunderstanding that my post may have caused -- you are absolutely entitled to ALL the feelings, thoughts, opinions, beliefs and perceptions that you do have. IMO, when approaching your Dad, it may be serve everyone involved best if you can keep an open heart. Not at all that you MUST be compassionate and understanding...only do so if those qualities align with your OWN values and principles. Of course.

Again. Wishing you happy outcomes.

 

All that just to twist what I actually said.

 

Oh well. At least you agree with yourself.

[Wolfcub]

I would say: do nothing! Life is not perfect but people try to get the best out of it. I'm speaking of your mom now, not of your dad. If your mom already had found the brush, and maybe something else she has not mentioned to you - most probably she knows. If not as facts, then as intuition. If she has chosen not to react - its her business, her marriage. Possibly she has witnessed such owners of brushes, pads etc come and go frequently. If you go and tell her now, she might feel obliged to react in some or other way just to please you. Step by step indirectly you may even cause your parents divorce.

[bentnotbroken]

I would say: do nothing! Life is not perfect but people try to get the best out of it. I'm speaking of your mom now, not of your dad. If your mom already had found the brush, and maybe something else she has not mentioned to you - most probably she knows. If not as facts, then as intuition. If she has chosen not to react - its her business, her marriage. Possibly she has witnessed such owners of brushes, pads etc come and go frequently. If you go and tell her now, she might feel obliged to react in some or other way just to please you. Step by step indirectly you may even cause your parents divorce.

 

 

She can't cause a parents divorce:mad:that is ludicrous. Her parents choices (cheating, ignoring, abuse)those are the things that cause a parents divorce. My son telling me didn't cause anything other than he showed he loved me enough to tell me so I could protect myself, sexually, mentally and financially. What a horrible thing to say.

[TaraMaiden]

Nope, if he is cheating his primary purpose was to dip his wick in a well that he wasn't married to. Anything that effects the family is the business of the whole family. .

 

She can't cause a parents divorce:mad:that is ludicrous. Her parents choices (cheating, ignoring, abuse)those are the things that cause a parents divorce.

 

Oh, I see. so if he is dipping his wick elsewhere, it is an effect on the whole family, and therefore their business, but conversely, she cannot cause her parents' divorce because this is just between them?

Curious.

 

This is not something that can be entertained in both ways.

 

_/l\_

[bentnotbroken]

Oh, I see. so if he is dipping his wick elsewhere, it is an effect on the whole family, and therefore their business, but conversely, she cannot cause her parents' divorce because this is just between them?

Curious.

 

This is not something that can be entertained in both ways.

 

_/l\_

 

 

The action of cheating may cause a divorce, but telling her parent so she can protect herself from STD's isn't her business. That is asinine. The family is affected, the anger, hurt, betrayal, lies. It happens to everyone. Mr. Messy didn't just lie to me, he lied to his children, his parents, my parents, all of our siblings. It was a FAMILY thing. The alleged crappiness of the father is an attack on the marriage, and could cause the demise of that marriage. NOT a child telling the parent to be careful.

[april-spark]

His daughter will always be his daughter.

His love for her will always be his love for her.

the only 'betrayal' is to his wife.

His daughter may be worried, or disappointed, but she is not betrayed.

 

This is one of the kindest and sensible ideas I've heard. Thanks.

 

Gently speak with your father. He may have a friend.

He is your Dad -you aren't going to lose him.

 

Your mother has abandoned him. Very sad for him... please take care.

[whichwayisup]

the only 'betrayal' is to his wife.

 

No, he betrayed the "family unit." Sure he cheated and betrayed his wife, but he has also let down his daugther. His behaviour IS something that will affect her, so it is a betrayal for the whole family.

[bentnotbroken]

No, he betrayed the "family unit." Sure he cheated and betrayed his wife, but he has also let down his daugther. His behaviour IS something that will affect her, so it is a betrayal for the whole family.

 

 

Yes, so true. The family is or at least is supposed to be a unit. What affects one, affects all. Whether it is poverty, illness or infidelity.

[TaraMaiden]

No, he betrayed the "family unit." Sure he cheated and betrayed his wife, but he has also let down his daugther. His behaviour IS something that will affect her, so it is a betrayal for the whole family.

This is simply ridiculous.

Do you mean to tell me that if he has been separated from his wife for so long, and no longer loves her, he must stay with her and remain faithful for the sake of the family? Simply because 'a betrayal' is perceived?

No.

This is an entirely unreasonable condition.

 

Of course he must admit to his wife if he is considering having an affair, or tell her if he is having one - but this has nothing to do with the children. What a person does is not as a parent. This dynamic does not change. nothing can change the genetic connection between a person and their offspring. If a child chooses to take offence or umbrage at the parent's action- this is their problem. A parent is also a human being with feelings, emotions desires and needs.

Whilst it is certainly deceitful to the spouse, to conduct an affair, it is not something that affects the relationship between a child and the parent.

Or it should not.

If it does, there is a resentment and jealousy. A possessiveness that has no place in such a situation.

[bentnotbroken]

As a parent all of my actions and decisions affect my children in one way or another. I don't know if you have children or how old they maybe if you do. But it is clear that we all view the responsibility of the family unit differently. Mine are based on the biblical view of family, therefore all of our actions affect everyone else in the family.

[whichwayisup]

Do you mean to tell me that if he has been separated from his wife for so long, and no longer loves her, he must stay with her and remain faithful for the sake of the family? Simply because 'a betrayal' is perceived?

 

If he was/is LEGALLY separated and he and his wife have an agreement - You live your life and I'll live mine, then sure, each can do whatever they want. PROBLEM IS, they aren't!

 

If he doesn't love her, then he should get a divorce. Why cheat?!

 

Anyway, let's agree to disagree. You see things one way and I see things another. It's just a waste of BOTH of our time to go back and forth here.

[TaraMaiden]

As a parent all of my actions and decisions affect my children in one way or another. I don't know if you have children or how old they maybe if you do. But it is clear that we all view the responsibility of the family unit differently. Mine are based on the biblical view of family, therefore all of our actions affect everyone else in the family.

All your parental and familial decisions affect your family. Your emotional decisions concerning the spouse may well also affect your children. But the fact is, that is not their concern. All emotions and feelings are mind-wrought. If we feel something, it is because we think it should be so.

This is the big problem. we become entangled with anxiety and distress, because we see things as being a different way to the way we want them to be, instead of seeing them simply as they are....

 

If he was/is LEGALLY separated and he and his wife have an agreement - You live your life and I'll live mine, then sure, each can do whatever they want. PROBLEM IS, they aren't!

 

If he doesn't love her, then he should get a divorce. Why cheat?!

IF he is cheating - and it is IF - because as far as I can see, the OP has not returned.... then I agree - and have already said as much - that he should be open, honest and cut the ties that bind.

But that is not the primary issue here. The primary issue is whether ultimately it is any business of his daughter's.

 

Anyway, let's agree to disagree. You see things one way and I see things another. It's just a waste of BOTH of our time to go back and forth here.

We're going back and forth because it seems we are discussing at cross purposes....

I am discussing things form the point of view that we unnecessarily haul baggage onto our shoulders by wishing things are one way, when they are patently not. This is where the problem lies. We want our ideal world to remain ideal. And it never will.

 

It would be useful at this point, to hear back from the OP. Not a sign..... so many threads like this!

[bentnotbroken]

Emotions are a gift from God. And since I lead my family the way he has taught me to, we will also agree to disagree.