Frustration...

[blackenedESP]

I've been talking to this girl over the internet for about 5 years now, she lives about 9 1/2 hours away, we were always friends. She's been through a lot of issues with guys and I've always been there to help her out and stuff. She always tells me I never gave up on her and have been there through thick and thin. A few months ago, my girlfriend of about 6 1/2 years broke up with me. At the same time, the guy she was seeing pretty much ditched her too.

 

Now, we've always said there was something about each other that kept us talking this long. I never really let myself think of her more than a friend because I was always loyal to my girlfriend. But now, this girl is absolutely amazing. We talk all the time (internet and phone), always on webcam to see each other, everything. She told me she was always jealous of my girlfriend that she had me and stuff. Basically she's everything I could possibly want in a girl. ...almost.

 

The only problem, and it seems to be a big one, is her self-respect. She's always been in relationships where she was taken advantage of, dragged down, just completely mistreated in every way. So I guess she's kinda used to that in a sad way? We've been telling each other we want to meet, we want to be together, etc... but she's SO afraid to take that step and do something different, even though in her head she says she knows it's what she wants.

 

I'm trying to support her and just be there, let her do it at her own pace but it's getting so frustrating because that guy she was with keeps coming back to her, and she keeps hanging out with him because she said he makes her feel like a piece of **** if she doesn't. She tells me all the time she thinks of me when she's with him, they just don't get along at all, but we seem to be damn near perfect for each other.

 

I'm on the brink of just saying the hell with it and driving there. Maybe if she's around me in person, sees how well i'd treat her compared to him and the others, that it would make her realize this is for real, he's here, etc... I mean, she tells me all the time she's never talked to anybody like me. At the same time, I know she wants to do this slowly and carefully, I don't want to drive her away from me by pushing the issue too much. I just don't know what to do at this point. The more I talk to her, the more I want her, but the harder it gets to see her keep letting him walk all over her. It's like i'm fighting a battle 9 1/2 hours away. But she is the only thing i'm sure of in my life right now, I know if we solved this problem, I'd want to be with her, no doubt in my mind.

[Els]

Could you find any other reason at all to be around her place? Old friends, a hobby etc... if you do then it'd be simple to go to her the first time without coming across too strongly. Just say 'I'll be going to your area sometime this month, will you be free to meet up?'

 

However, my honest take on this is that you shouldn't invest so much of yourself into someone who's not really sure what she wants yet. You can't 'save' her from self-destructively putting yourself under that guy's hand again -- only she can.

[KikiW]

I can relate to her - not in the abusive relationships, but in the self-confidence and nervous about jumping in with both feet.

 

All I can recommend is to ask her if she thinks she deserves a jerk who makes her feel like hell? Ask her if she thinks that's a good relationship. Because if she doesn't she needs to ditch him. He is a bad habit and won't do anything positive for her life.

 

Tell her it's ok to be scared. It's ok to be nervous. It's ok not to have all the answers and know how everything is going to turn out.

 

But life is like that. Does she want to be on her deathbed and think "damn, is that all I got out of life?" Or does she want to think "I am so happy I got to live the life I did!"

[blackenedESP]

thanks for the input guys, i appreciate it. i'll see what i can do...

[way_2_tired]

So I feel a bit awkward/vunerable just saying this, but I feel for her.

 

The only relationship I ever had was initially one that only dragged down my self-esteem, but eventually turned abusive. It sounds so dumb to someone that hasn't been there, but I honestly didn't know there was anything different out there. It got to the point that I was convinced I deserved it and that anybody else would treat me the same or worse. But i felt guilty, we had been together and long time and he had me convinced I owed him.

 

I was already leaning towards leaving, but the final straw for me, was a different guy treating me with respect and valuing me as a human being. I was like, that's it, I'm worth more than this, and I'm not putting up with this anymore.

 

So, I would say go there and go after her. Show her there is another way in person. Words only go so far.