widower wants more than friendship

[amaxena]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=red][/color]I have been unhappily married for many years, to a clinically depressed man who is completely dependent upon me for everything, but emotionally unavailable to both me and our children. He has stopped going to counseling and refuses to take the medication prescribed, which did help a little. I do truly love him, although sometimes I wonder if it is more maternal than anything else.

 

But my real problem is that earlier this summer one of the moms in an on-line parenting group I belong to died suddenly, leaving her husband alone and devastated. He and I became friends slowly and I have helped him with many things concerning their children and even with his business. I have never considered him more than a friend, but I feel he is wanting more than this now.

 

I want to distance myself from him, but he has made me feel guilty for avoiding him sometimes. He has made little comments which make me feel a little uncomfortable too at times. And although I have told him and made it clear i am not seeking to leave my marriage, since I made the mistake of revealing things about my unhappiness early on I still feel he thinks that there might be hope for us to be together someday.

 

I am confused, but I do admit I find this man attractive emotionally. I know I am heading into dangerous territory, but I cannot seem to stop. I wish we could just remain on-line friends, as I believe that is just what we both really need right now. I think he is still grieving, and I feel he is in part attaching to me because of this. I dare not talk to anyone real about all this, I know they would say what you all probably will.

 

But every time my husband is emotionally abusive a part of me wants to run to him, help>>

[Tony T]

As long as your husband remains emotionally abusive and this "friend" is emotionally available to you there is a danger that things can happen. You need to make some serious decsions about your marriage. First, why would you want to stay in an unhappy marriage...you only get one life? Have you sought to heal your marriage? Second, you are correct that this man is grabbing onto you because of the tragic loss of his wife and taking advantage of the information you trusted to him about your unhappy marriage. My feeling is both of these guys are trouble but if you must be in a crappy relationship, stick with the one you are already in and terminate your friendship with the widower. It's not going in a good direction.

 

I hope after consideration you will work to find happiness in a relationship, either your present one...or one with a man who isn't going throug emotional pain and who is emotionally and physically available to you.

[amaxena]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=red][/color]Thank you for your reply. I have stayed for that best of all reasons, my children. I was not a child of divorce, and it all well seems so humiliating, and such a failure to me. I know it is easier to sit outside and tell another what seems obvious, often even to them. But acting on it, and dealing with all the consequences is a reality I have been unable to imagine. I do not tell others real how void my marriage is, and his problems stem form his own toxic childhood, he must first heal himself before we could heal I think.

 

If I thought he would be better without me and the kids, or that he would not harm himself even where I to leave, I might have years ago. Going for months without even a simple hug or any type of affection does close one down to emotions as well. I have told him my feelings and needs that are unmet in past, he simply tells me he does not know how to love. But it is also painful to truly think of the effect seperation would have on my children too.

 

It is confusing, especially when another is persuent. I agree with so much of what you wrote, but also feel unable to detach myself completely from this other man. He is a completely different, and I know this because I knew his wife, we too had talked of these things many times. He knew about me from her and we are both able to talk so freely about her and our children even now. We both have special needs children, it is a bond that many will never know.

 

I have told him this man my feelings and he responds, although still he claims he is going no where so time is on his side. He feels we have been brought together for this reason, and at times I admit I do too. I am keeping things in check, and will not meet him nor let it go to the next level. But setting him adrift seems more cruel to me than honorable right now. For in many ways I think we have helped each other, and as you put it "we only have one life."