Fiancee Abused as a Child

[lovinlife432]

Hi,

A few months ago my fiancee revealed to me that some inappropriate sexual things occured between him, a female neighbor, and the neighbor's child at a very young age. He also told me that he doesn't remember what exactly happened, but that he has flashbacks from time to time and trouble sleeping. He implied that certain topics triggered these flashbacks and stomach-turning feelings. These "episodes" will occur every few months or so on average, and last anywhere from a couple days to weeks. He then withdraws from day to day activities and seems altogether depressed and detached.

 

From what he said it sounded like he was forced to do things with the woman's child by her, and that she also participated. At the time he didn't realize that these activities were wrong because he was so young, and never said anything to his parents or other adults. He seems to be very disturbed by these images from time to time, and I've noticed a little trouble with closeness on occasion. He's told me that he in no way has ever had the desire to do anything unhealthy to a child, or anyone for that matter. What really bothers me is that he seems stubborn about seeking help.

 

I just want to be able to help him, I've suggested counseling but he seemed incredibly uninterested. What can I do to support him through these difficult times, and what can he do to get through this? I love him dearly but am incredibly concerned. If anyone has been through anything similar your help would be much appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

Nothing.

You can do nothing except love him and be supportive.

 

but if he will not seek professional help and counselling, this is unwise of him and unfair on you.

 

This is obviously a very serious issue for him, but it is not something he should permit to affect you, in the way that he will not get counselling, but expects you to tolerate and accommodate his moods.

 

You also have needs in this relationship and this is very unfair on you, to have to deal with it.

 

I believe the next time he becomes moody and distant, you explain to him that this is unjust, and that you cannot be expected to deal with his moods, if he does not do the same.

 

I do not know if you are close to his family, or even if they know of this situation, and that these things happened.

but if he is speaking to nobody, this situation will always be like this, or worsen.

You may have to issue a stern ultimatum.

Either he seeks counselling, or you will move out every time he gets these moods.

He may wish to put up with them, but that you should is not fair.

 

This really is his problem...... but it is becoming a joint problem.

 

_/l\_

[lovinlife432]

I know you keep saying it it isn't fair to me, but honestly that's the least of my worries.

 

I don't mind at all, he doesn't take anything out on me, he hasn't hurt me in any way, I can just sense how upset he is and that's what bothers me.

 

Because I care about him, seeing him upset makes me upset because there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I just want to be able to help him get through this.

 

I'm assuming he will need professional help in order to rid himself of these feelings entirely, but if he isn't willing to go I don't want to force him. I guess I was hoping for a magic answer. Is this something that will get better over time, even if it isn't completely worked out?

[TaraMaiden]

No, not unless he is willing to admit he has a problem, and is willing to address it.

 

it may very well even become worse.

You can be there for him, but the repair work must be done by, and come from him.

[hoping2heal]

Hello OP,

 

I'm hoping I can be of some help here. I too was abused at a young age sexually repeatedly by a family member, and at 24 years old; I had only begun seeking therapy back in september of 2008. I understand everything he is going through and why he doesn't want to talk about it, for years I felt very ashamed at what happened but therapy has brought me a long long ways. To testify to that; I have recently told the mother and sister of the person who had abused me.

 

Love him, support him, and show him my post. Not because I'm so high and mighty and all knowing, but because I have been through the abuse, the shame, the trouble sleeping. I've lived it, what happened to me has tainted the years of what has been my life so far. That said, proper therapy (not just anyone, but a therapist you can relate and feel comfortable with) will help. There's nothing to be ashamed about, and the more you confront the past the more you will realise that being a victim of sexual abuse is losing it's stigma for you. Do not let someone else's dirty secret become yours, do not. It will continue to scar your life until you confront and overcome this. It won't be a long or a comfortable journey; but as someone who refused to talk about it or have therapy for more than 15 years after the fact; I can tell you there's a reason it's advised and it can change your life.

 

You owe it to yourself to heal from the trauma you've been through, and although it takes a lot of pain just to get a sliver of healing .. I continue to push forward as it has not only begun little by little to bring back the self respect and self esteem that was taken from me; it IS making a positive impact on me and in my life. Something very wrong was done to you and you can run your entire life, and this will never go away. I trully believe that; the reason I finally after all these years stopped fighting the fear and gave over to outside help. As afraid and fearful as I was of it, it is the best decision and smartest thing I have ever done for myself.

 

All the best