KimS Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 O.K. my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and living together for Little over a year now. He has now mentioned to me that he loves me but is not in love with me. We have broken up in the past about 2 years ago because of his "issues" but I thought we got back together this time to make things right and start a future. He claims that ever since we got back together there has been something missing. Remind you over the past year he has discussed using his 401k down the road for an engagement ring and he has given me cards that say he wants to continue his journey with me, vacations and so on. I asked him why hasen't he told me this sooner he claims he has been tossing this for a long time inside his mind. I felt if he would have told me possibly we could have saved what has slipped away. I am so torn up inside is there anything I can do? He doesn't even want to be affectionate with me. Any advice.... Kim Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Leave him now! There are many things you can do to mend a relationship but you can't change the way a person feels. You're very lucky that he's being honest with himself and with you about the way he feels. Many people who are "not in love" get married and it doesn't work out over time. Then again, it could be that he's just confused and doesn't know exactly how he feels. But one thing for sure, you don't ever want to marry a guy who isn't absolutely out of his mind in love with you and wanting to be with you forever. Go find somebody like that...but first take some time to heal from this relationship. There is no good point in sticking around and hurting over a longer period of time. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 As hard as it is right now, let him go. That is the best thing I can offer to you. There is no saying that he at another time wont love you. My boyfreind said that to me about 6 months ago, and I have no doubt that when He said it, he honestly meant it. But luckily, things are really good between us now. So, the best thing to do, let him go, move on with your life and maybe one day he may come back into it. I know how much pain youre going through righ tnow, and I know how hard it is right now, but this would be the best thing for you. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 but this is not a good sign. He should have said something much sooner if he really wanted to make the relationship work. He didn't, because he doesn't. This "I love you but I'm not in love with you line," is a passive way of saying, "I'm not interested in making it work with you." As hard as it might be to accept, and despite some contradictory evidence (talk of engagement rings, etc) I would advise you to end the relationship soon, and definitely. The things that seem to contradict what he's saying may well have been his attempts to talk himself into feeling something he wasn't feeling. I've been where you are and believe me, the sooner you start looking at things from your perspective, and yours alone, the better off you'll be. The temptation to figure out what's really going on with him is strong, I know, but ultimately it's futile. Your relationship with him is on the verge of collapsing, and he is not going to do anything to save it. So you have two choices: you can frantically try to save it all by yourself, or you can accept, with a lot of sadness and hurt, that it's over. The latter will allow you to start healing faster. I would have a conversation with him about your shared home: who's going to move out, and when. Look out for your own interests, as you would with a rooommate. Whose name is on the lease? What will the penalties be for breaking the lease if it comes to that? Who's got family or friends they can live with in the interim? When someone makes a Big Pronouncement like that, that's what you've got to go with. Reading between the lines isn't going to help you if you ignore what's written in big block letters across the page. Unless he makes another Big Pronouncement, like "I Was A Major Idiot, Please Forgive Me Because I Do Love You Deeply," you shouldn't pay attention little signs you might get that he's not happy about breaking up. Of course he's not happy. These things are never easy. But don't worry about what's going on his head. You take care of yourself, and minimize the damage to your heart. Good luck. You'll get through this and love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KimS Posted October 19, 2003 Author Share Posted October 19, 2003 midori, I just look at our past 5 years together and I cannot understand where that feeling went. We rent an apartment together he is going to move back home to his mom's house. I just wish he would have been a bit more honest when his love started to slip away I thought we would have been able to fix things if that is even possible? My mother past away alittle over 5 months ago so I have been dealing with more than I can handle at this point. He basically said he would have told me sooner. I told him not to pitty me. And your right he doesn't want to save the relationship. In his eyes it is done 100%. And all the things about our future, etc. he claims he said them because that is what he wanted to believe. And he would love to still be in love with me. I also saw a phone # in his cell phone (two times) that I was unsure of. today. (Sorry to admit this but when your in denial you do everything.) They were both 1 minute phone calls and the voice mail on them said Danielle. Now his bossess name is Danielle but it did not sound like her. His father cheated on his mother when he was young before the divorce so he always claimed that he would never do that. He says he has no clue who's # it is he will ask his boss tomorrow and swears up and down that he is not speaking to anyone else. What do I do accept his answer or take it upon myself to hound him or keep calling the # until someone answers. I will feel real stupid if it is his boss. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Dont do anyting of the sort. It is unfortunalty no longer your place to ask him, to dig through his cellphone and ask him about his life. He has lied to you once, I would not trust him again. SO dont bother with it. Just have him leave as soon as possible, find yourself a new roomate, get yourself a carton of ben n jerrys ice cream, and curl up with a good movie. Time wil heal all wounds, but get him out of your life as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Methinks your relationship ended 2 years ago.....neither of you wanted to admit it. Given your young age, this has to be your first serious relationship. That's the one that is INFINITELY hard to see beyond. Everybody has trouble cutting the first big one loose....they tend to go on twice as long as they should. It's cliche until it happens to you. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Don't go there. Don't look through his things. Don't try to figure out what's going on with him. Chances are the fault line was already there when you two got back together. Perhaps you've been kidding yourself about how smooth & happy things have been. It sounds like he was too. Believe me, I know how hard it is. My ex broke up with me without being able to give me any meaningful reasons. It hurt like hell, for such a long time. I still love him. But I know it was for the best. I know that I had things I needed to learn about myself. I look back at our relationship and I see the ways it was not good for me, and therefore it was ultimately not good for him. He certainly had a lot to learn about love and relationships before he was going to be able to be a good partner. I didn't want it to end at the time, and the reasons he gave me were bogus. But his instinct was right. I know that now. It's a done deal. What more do you need to know? I'm sorry this has come when you're particularly vulnerable, after your mom's death. But sometimes having our world shaken up can free us. Take this time to think: would you move, if you could? Where? Would you change careers if you could? What would you like to do? You've got nothing holding you back right now. Many people would dearly love to be free of their obligations and ties to others; with some experience under their belts they see that they'd take a different path than the one they're on. You can do that if you wish. Even if there's nothing you want to change about your life right now, this can be a time when you grow and learn more about yourself. I know so much more now about what I want in a relationship. That kind of knowledge is so important. All the answers you need now lie within you. You won't get them from him. He's gone, and he can't provide them anyway. Ask yourself: 1. What did he represent to you? - Are you an ambitious, upwardly mobile person, and if so did he fit into that salary-wise, education-wise, family background-wise? - If you're someone who likes security and staying close to what you know, did he seem to fit into that -- not wanting to leave Long Island, family ties, etc? - Did he broaden your social horizons? - Did he broaden your cultural horizons? Etc. Think about the things that being with him meant for your life. Security, social opportunities, financial support, whatever. Those things can be sought independently of him. You can achieve lots of them in your own right. Or you can find them with another partner. 2. Did the things he represented to you cloud your perspective on the relationship, such that you thought things were OK because you really wanted them to be OK? In other words, was your assessment of the relationship's health affected by your reasons for wanting it to be healthy? If you can get a handle on those questions, I promise you that you will find it easier to come to terms with the break-up. In so doing you'll know more about yourself. And you don't need him in order to get those answers. It'll take a while, but that's a better path to follow than hounding him, spying on him and beating yourself over the head about what went wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KimS Posted October 19, 2003 Author Share Posted October 19, 2003 midori, Thanks for the advance you pretty much wowed me with your words. You have given me alot to think about and I have read your message 3 times already which I am going to print and read repetitivly each and everytime I feel vulnerable. I can honestly say I don't know if I have all the answers to those questions. I hope that is not a bad thing. Hopefully by reading them over and over again I can figure it all out. I thank all of you tonight who have given me your thoughts and advice. Thank you for listening... I don't know how long you normally feel this type of pain and shock for because my heart feels split in half. Kim Link to post Share on other sites
Author KimS Posted October 19, 2003 Author Share Posted October 19, 2003 Also as far as him telling me that he wants to be there for me, and help me through things and be friends. Where does something like that really stand in a situation like this? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 just say No to his suggestions regarding friendship and help. let him move the hell out & cut off all contact. aren't you MAD at him?? best of luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 It's nice that he wants to be helpful, and I wouldn't burn that bridge entirely, but I should think you'd do better to have some space right now. It's going to take some time for you to get your bearings and reorient yourself, and it'll be harder if he's there on the periphery, making you wonder "what if," making you feel like you need to be as "over it" as he might appear to be, etc. You don't need that. The getting over it process is yours alone. He can't help you. And bear in mind that his offer might be stemming in part from a guilty conscience. That's his problem, not yours. If you carry yourself forward indepdently (as much as you can) and with dignity, I guarantee that you will be very pleased with yourself a few months from now. It takes a while. It just does. But it takes much less time if you ruthlessly root out any hope of getting back together, and focus on moving forward, answering the questions that arise as you do, and finding new happiness for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KimS Posted October 19, 2003 Author Share Posted October 19, 2003 At this point I am more hurt than mad. I flip back and forth. A part of me thinks hopefully he will change his mind and think we can fix this but I know that is not going to happen I need to just find a way to be strong. I have alot going on with my life right now so that is what is making things hard. Generally I am a strong level headed person. It just sucks to lose all that we have achieved together. He is moving back home for the time being so he claims. I want to move out of the apartment I am in I feel to far away from the people I need most right now. I just feel like I have to much to take on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KimS Posted October 19, 2003 Author Share Posted October 19, 2003 It is so hard fighting off the temptation of wanting to know who those 2 calls were even though they only said they were for 1 minute. How do I avoid nagging him for an answer or calling the number again waiting for someone to pick up? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 You tell yourself that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he's doing, or who he's doing it with. That is not the reason why your relationship with him is over. And it has absolutely nothing to do with you moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 I would tell him that it hurts too much to be friends right now and that you'll call him when you can be a real friend and not just hinder his gworth. I think this is probably the truth. It might hurt to say it but at least you are being honest. If you ever want to be friends again, at least the friendship is starting off with a true and honest foundation. This in no way obligates you to do anything, but it leaves the door open for a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 ...and, if you think you can never be friends with him and don't want to, then don't ever call him again and if he calls you just hang up. I'm sorry you are hurting and in this situation. You'll be okay... Link to post Share on other sites
Guidette82 Posted October 26, 2003 Share Posted October 26, 2003 I guess I SHOULD feel lucky and so should you that these men are honest. My boyfriend JUST told me the same exact thing. He said he saw me as someone he could be really close friends with, but mis-judged it when we started dating as something more. Don't turn away from him. If YOU can handle being friends, by all means do it..just take some time to heal FIRST. It'll all work out in the end! Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts