What do I do now?

[Figures]

Here's my situation, and I'm seeking constructive advice on how to heal and what I should do now. So I started dating this man about 5 months ago, he was very sweet and almost exactly like me: a quirky person with a great sense of humor, and very romantic. Catch is, he has two kids, one 4 months and one 3 years, with another woman. Now I never really expected to consider dating a guy with children because of the possibility of horrible baby mama drama. So here's some backstory for you first. He had been dating her for 6 years, during which she cheated on him for a months length of time, and another one night stand. They tried to work it out but he just couldn't deal with her unstable personality and the cheating, not to mention the possibility that the baby might not be his. So they broke up, yet again. Then he met me and we hit it off right away. We started dating, and the baby mama drama began. Now I think I did okay with her texting and calling him nonstop, and not mainly because of the kids mind you. She kept telling him she was sorry and that he should give her another chance. And him being the shmuck that he is, kept counseling her on her feelings and trying to 'help' her. But she kept trying to break us up, going so far as telling him he should break up with me for just a month to think about what he really wants. He didn't, because he tried to make it clear to her that he wanted me, and could see himself marrying me. But every time she would call or text I would tense up and get this uncomfortable feeling in my gut. But I would keep my complaining to a minimum because I felt kind of sorry for her. Finally she got to be too much, 80% of the time calling him to try and make him feel guilty, using the kids against him, trying to get him to come back to her or at least break up with me. Basically fighting with him and torturing him. He asked me what he should do, and I honestly told him what I would tell a friend. He should tell her that she needs to call him only when it pertains the kids or its an emergency. I also told him that she can't keep using him as her therapist, and she should seek out someone to talk to, whether it be a friend or a counselor, because she wasn't the most stable person (history of attempted suicide/thoughts of). And thats not a healthy situation for the kids or her to be living in. He said thats exactly what he would tell her then.

 

The night after we had this discussion she made a surprise visit to his house in the morning (this was his day off and he was going to come see me after I got off work). And I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but he had sex with her. After this happened, I still didn't know, She started texting me all this crap about how she needs me to help him 'be good' and how she had no one to talk to about how he's sending her mixed signals, and how on Numerous times he's said he wants to be with me only to change his mind the next day. I was trying to get information out of her so I played along, asking her what she was talking about, and what he's doing to send her mixed signals, and how I could help. She said she didn't think she should tell me over him, but I pried and she finally said "he won't stop having sex with me." Trying to make ME think that they've been doing this the whole time behind my back. I felt like I was going to throw up, because all this while in the back of my mind I was scared something like this would happen, but he kept assuring me that it wouldn't. I didn't talk to her after that because he called me right afterwards, saying he had just left to come see me. I told him that she said he had sex with her, there was a short pause on the phone but he said, yes I did, thats what I was coming to tell you. I hung up on him, and had to leave my house. I didn't want to see him, talk to him, anything. Apparently right after I hung up he called her to scream at her for not letting him tell me and screwing up his life because she Then texted me telling me to forget everything she said, and he was only trying to help. About an hour later I let him meet me someplace so he could explain himself. He said that she said if they had sex one last time she swore she would be out of his(our) personal life for good (I know it doesn't make any sense to me either). He said he made a huge mistake and he would spent the rest of his life trying to show me how much he was sorry and that he loved me. I cried a lot, and told him he made my worst fear come true, and now how could I trust him like I did before, which was more than I'd truted any other guy I'd been with. I ended up giving him another chance, but I'm just so disgusted that he could be so easily manipulated by her. I'm not just blaming her, he is just as responsible, and he has control over his own penis, I mean actions.

 

My question is, am I doing the right thing by giving him another chance? I mean, I was considering the possibility of spending the rest of my life with this guy, before this happened. And its still early enough to cut my losses now I suppose. But I do love him.

And now that I Have given him another chance...how do I help myself get over the betrayal, and learn to trust him fully again? What can I do about the baby mama too, I mean I know we all have to keep it cool for the kids, but I've never even Spoken to this woman and I hate her, lol!

What steps should I take?

 

Sorry this was so long, but I just needed some unbiased input, I've only told two of my friends, one says to give him a chance and the other says leave him because he'll do it again.

 

What would You do?

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

[2sure]

Its either too soon or he is undecided..

 

But either way, he has consistantly chosen to be there for her. Emotionally and physically.

 

With any person who has children from a previous relationship - the EX is always there, always in contact.

But in this case - there is still a relationship between them, apart from the kids.

He may wish it was different one way or the other - but his actions show he is undecided.

 

His actions may change.

His ex may give up on him.

But since all of this has happened, it may be difficult for you to accept their interaction in the future. And it will be interaction.

[Kaii]

Catch is, he has two kids, one 4 months and one 3 years, with another woman.

 

Wow, really young. Not good, esp. the 4 month old.

 

Now I never really expected to consider dating a guy with children because of the possibility of horrible baby mama drama.

 

Of course there's "baby mama drama". This woman just gave birth 4 months ago. So, not only is she dealing with postpartum issues, she has also lost her baby's father.

And I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but he had sex with her.

 

Well, it's pretty simple, he whipped it out and stuck it in. Sorry to be blunt, but I doubt he had a gun to his head.

 

He said that she said if they had sex one last time she swore she would be out of his(our) personal life for good (I know it doesn't make any sense to me either).

 

Nope, doesn't make any sense to me either. What a lame excuse. He probably couldn't think of a better one. How would them sleeping together make her leave him alone????? Maybe she was hoping to get pregnant by him again. Did they use protection????

 

He said he made a huge mistake and he would spent the rest of his life trying to show me how much he was sorry and that he loved me.

 

The words of a desperate man who has just been caught cheating.

 

What would You do?

 

Good damn question. I would be supremely pissed and devastated, that's for sure. Most of the time, for the guilty party to gain back the trust of their SO, they have to be completely open and honest about the cheating, even if that means spilling intimate details about EXACTLY what took place. They have to be an open book in terms of text messages sent back and forth, emails, etc....because the sad truth is that you will never be rid of this woman, EVER. So, in order for you to move on, he has to gain your trust back...and if he truly loves you, then he will do whatever it takes to do that, including going to counselling.

 

But, keep in mind that they have 2 children together. They have a history together and you will never be rid of her. You will have to put up with her and her crap for the next 18+ years.