1 year No contact - Need

[BackonTrack2]

Need Input.

History:

Long story short.

I was with someone, I loved her, first love, we were together about 1 year. Turns out she was cheating on me, I suspected but never knew and when I found out I was too weak to end things even though I tried very hard. Somehow she reversed the situtation and I ended up being hurt/destroyed for about 8-9 months.

 

During that time, I had no contact with this person, I am going on no contact for about 13 months now. I have pretty much moved on, infact I feel that these are the last stages as I honestly don’t remember her and I notice each day I am forgetting more.

During that time, business failed, I had to move, I entered in about 3 or 4 rebound relationship(s), allinated allot of potetional sex partners and I came out with ONE relationship.

This current relationship is COOL, I don’t love this girl, I don’t think I could, but she keeps me company and is nice to me. She is holding back, she states I am hot/cold which I am, because I don’t want to stay with her but there is nothing wrong with her, just she’s alittle bit older than me and sometimes I look at her and she’s not supericially pretty.

This current girl, I am not going to stay with her, I don’t want her, I am not in love with her but she’s so nice, she give’s me food and we go out to places and she takes a interest in my family and my activities and always tries and help me. Reminds me of my last girlfriend, even the same nationaility

As I’ve just re-read my post, I realized that I have moved on and now I’m looking back again. I’m always looking back, looking for a reason to contact her. Her birthday was a few days ago, I did not contact her, I won’t contact her but I guess this is part of the move on process. I’ll keep moving forward and won’t initate contact.

That female, I was messed up for so long and now it’s almost like it never happen. I guess its apart of LIFE, strange, I did not think a person could just throw away another person like that. I’m so far removed from the situtation that I was able to anaylze it and the conclusion I came up with is that

a) My EX didn’t know what she wanted and she was un happy so she began fawking someone else.

b) She slowly pushed me to the side and build with this guy, all the time I was not paying attentiong to her + sense something was different. It’s almost as if she was acting like she was not with me anyone

c) As time grew on, she built up a wall and a resement toward me, a type of HATE and she slowly started to take away the SEX, I hadn’t noticed.

d) She was then buying time, she was NOT sure the relationship was going to work so she was keeping me on the back-burner.

e) Once she realized it was going to work, she tried to suggest we date other people. I agreed and was going along with it.

f) I started to change and get materialistic items to show my wealth and started hanging out with her friends, her friends ofcoursed loved me because I think they are those type of women.

g) I asked the friend “Hey, you know X and I are having problems”, the friendl ooks baffled and confused.

h) Friend tells me X moved on and is having sex with someone else.

 

I did not know X was having sex with another man, but I knew, I guess I lied to myself because I did not want to believe.

Anyway, that put in motion the official break-up of our relationship.

I said some things, she said some things, I did some things, she was already whoring.

It ended with “Stop Harassing Me” and me saying “Die you whore!”

Few months later, I sent drunken text, she never responded. About 8 months ago

If I am to judge this from a outsider, I would tell myself

Your X is a whore, she cheated on all her men and she moved on and does not remember you. She’s a tree swinger and selfish person. You are better off without her which is semi-true, I still loved that whore, I don’t think I do anymore, her body was so warm.

 

I guess the real reason I am writing this post is so I can just talk alloud and get feedback, what I think is happening is that I have not found another whom I love as much as HER so I look at the past, but not with rose colored glasses, I see the reality of my situtation and that is, the person I choose, has issues and will always cheat on her men, and if you are OK with that, then you’re a FOOL. But I’m OK with that, I don’t really care, I never cared, its only when the sex started to go away did I start to get upset and take notice and pay attention to her. I guess I never loved her, I think I loved having sex with her because I paid her 100% no intention.

At the ending of our relationship, I was going to ask her to MOVE in with me, and do a whole bunch of other things but it never got to that point so that relationship was like a trainer relationship. It wasn’t even a real relationship now that I think about it.

Wow that girl is stupid, she lost a good man. Then again, she didn’t loose me, she threw me away because she had someone new. In the end, it took her like 8 months to leave, slowly but surely, it took her that long, sad, she must of really cared about me then again I doubt that’s true, she cared about herself.

 

When I found out, she started to cry and said “I wanted to tell you for so long”, I just shook my head and took her home, then cursed her out and kept cursing her out for like 2 weeks until eventually she grew a set of balls and well, hit me with a iron baseball bat via words. Took 9 months to recovery. I didn’t know she could have that effect on me but she did, I think she had my heart.

So whats the SAGA of this story? I met a girl, it was nice, I wanted to marry her, turns out she was fawking someone else for mo nths and was going to leave me. I was hurt for about a year but recovered and rebuilding from nothing, during the healing process, I let business go to nothing, had a few rebounds and got into another relationship.

Strange, I remember crying, fainting, sleeping in the closet, praying and hoping she would come back, now its almost like that never even happen. The hurt went away and now I’m left with images, disturbing images, she wasn’t what I thought she was then again maybe I had her on a pedestal.

Its almost like she wanted to belong to someone, for someone to own her and I never claimed her and she hated me for that, at the same time, it wasn’t what she wanted so she went whoring and used me for support and money while she forged bonds with the OM. Then told me to go **** myself when it call came to light.

 

 

Crazy Girl

[Blah Toolz]

I think the reason that you're still dwelling on the past is that even though you're dating someone, you explicitly stated that you're not extremely attracted to her, which is a facet you probably had with your ex, and why she's still on your mind sometimes.

 

The fact of the matter is, that you just haven't found someone that matches that attraction you had with your ex, and that you're not ready to settle down again now.

 

You should probably keep dating others and playing the field. You may think it's not what you want, but you have to swing to hit. You say you don't see yourself being with your current girl, so perhaps you should think about breaking it off before it becomes more intense and time invested.

 

There's plenty of women out there that won't cheat on you, that will be as nice as your current gf are, and that you will be attracted to all in one package. Then you'll realize, "Why was I even wasting my time thinking of my ex?"

[BackonTrack2]

Thank you for the response.

 

I think your right, in all honesty, I don't really think about my EX. Its almost like ancient history but in regards to this current girl.

 

I think you are right about the attraction thing... I just don't like having sex with her, I don't know what it is. Its more of an exercise that passion.

 

She started to pull back, I should do the same. We rushed into it, she's nice and a good girl, but I'm just not that into her. She has everything going for her, a car, apt, job, indepdent, gives me money, takes me OUT, shows ME thing(s) but still.... I know she's a good women, everyone looks at her when we are out, they all watch her, they even get bold and try to hit on her while i am there. Disrespectfull *******s... but still, I don't want her.... Other men seem to want her though.....

 

I guess the best thing for me to do is END things before she gets hurt. She does everything for me though..... She wants to start a LIFE, I can sense it, she wants to have life with me. I don't know if I want that, I don't know what I want.

 

She is changing for me too, to conform to my life-style. I see it happening right before my eyes.This is errie.

 

She is being pro-active, beating me to the punch, I think she's trapping me into a relationship. I think I have to talk to her and let her know I am not ready for anything serious and that my eyes are wondering and that I don't know what I want.

 

She is helping me in LIFE through, I've gained weight, I learned new places, she buy's me things, give me gifts, does all the things I should be doing.....

 

I think she's hit a wall in her LIFE advancement, I think she think(s) I could help her. I don't know, I just don't know.

 

At the same time, when we are out, well she gets all the attention, its like i'm a toy or something. I don't like it, I'm not in control. She says "I want to control her", I say "you trapped me into a relationship"

 

what the hell is going on?

its like she one UP's me in EVERYTHING.

 

People are asking if we are married, complete strangers too, like 3 different people says "You two have something"

We've been dating 2-3 months.

 

I feel as if, she knows whats going on and doesn't want to tell me, I feel as if, she is positioning herself as my GF/Live-in girlfriend.....

 

I don't have love for her yet but soon I'll get attached.....

I don't know if I want that burden, I don't know... I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be self-fish and use her and then leave her.

 

Maybe I should just be alone?

Help

[Biker2007]

It wasn’t even a real relationship now that I think about it.

Wow that girl is stupid, she lost a good man. Then again, she didn’t loose me, she threw me away because she had someone new. In the end, it took her like 8 months to leave, slowly but surely, it took her that long, sad, she must of really cared about me then again I doubt that’s true, she cared about herself.

 

Sounds like she was afraid to leave you and be alone...sound familiar? And now you are treating your current GF the same and potentially messing w/ her head and heart. The current relationship sounds like a waste of time for you both...and you know it. If you really don't think there is a chance, do the right thing and move on.

 

I know how you feel about comparing a potential GF to an X that you really cared for. The X that brought me to LS was a tough act to follow on the surface, but I did get lucky enough to find out early she was a narcissist. Still, I struggle finding anyone that compares physically.

 

Also, kind of funny that I recently had this same conversation w/a friend about an acquaintance. This person is married, but is afraid to leave her current husband because she feels like she is too old to find someone...pathetic. If I was the husband and found out that is the only reason she was still w/ me, I would be pissed. I would never want to be w/ someone that does not care for me.

 

Remember karma can be a beeyatch...good luck in your decision.

[steve9417]

as biker2007 says - your behaviour is uncannily similar to some you've described ....... your ex

 

you've demonstrated by the length of your posts that you've not moved on from her

 

your current GF is doing everything she can to get your attention - i'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark here and say she's playing a childhood game out of doing everything she can to be loved by a significant person - (perhaps a parent who never really gave her the affirmation that she was loved when she was growing up) you fit perfectly into that game for her as an adult .......... leaving her to one side - is this how you want to be behaving in a relationship ?

 

only you know what's best for yourself though it seems from what you've said - you're not sure of what that is at the moment

 

i would speculate that you'd not healed from your ex when you started dating properly and thus you've ended up meeting a rescuer for a girlfriend (your current GF fits that profile from your description) and in exchange for love she provides you with emotional support .......... and in exchange for her emotional support your emotional development has been stunted

 

have you sought a therapist to discuss this with ??? you've so much internal dialogue and questions that I would honestly recommend you seek one out

 

that of course denies you what you think is best thus i ask you the question what do you think you need right now ?

[gd26]

i would speculate that you'd not healed from your ex when you started dating properly and thus you've ended up meeting a rescuer for a girlfriend (your current GF fits that profile from your description) and in exchange for love she provides you with emotional support .......... and in exchange for her emotional support your emotional development has been stunted

 

Interesting point here. I notice on LS people always encourage those going through heartbreak to get back and start dating other people. However, I don't think it's good to date other people without healing first - otherwise, these are the type of situations that occur, when you are still in love with an ex yet in a relationship with someone new.

[gd26]

your current GF is doing everything she can to get your attention - i'm gonna take a wild stab in the dark here and say she's playing a childhood game out of doing everything she can to be loved by a significant person - (perhaps a parent who never really gave her the affirmation that she was loved when she was growing up) you fit perfectly into that game for her as an adult .......... leaving her to one side - is this how you want to be behaving in a relationship ?

 

Great psychology insight. I was previously clingy in my past relationships with men, and yes, it had to do with me trying to 'mend' the broken relationships I had with my parents growing up. My desire to prove to my parents that I was worth loving certainly did translate to that insecure behavior with guys.

 

Anyway thanks. I hope your post helps the OP, but it certainly did resonate with me.

[BackonTrack2]

So what your saying is that I have not healed and I still have some sort of feelings for my ex even though I have been NC 13 months and our relationship only lasted maybe 1 year?

 

Your also saying this current girl, is giving me emotional support and by doing this has stunted my own emotional growth in regards with dealing with my past relationship?

 

If that is the case, it means this is a rebound relationship and I am only using this person to get myself better. In exchange for the love I give her, she has sex and takes care of me in the hopes that I would stay and form a relationship with her?

 

You are also saying I exhibit the same selfish behavior of my EX and I remember the way she treated me and it confused the hell out of me so that means I must also be confusing this new girl as well.

 

If I am to be honest with myself, I know whats happening, this girl has gone as far as she's going to go with me. I sense it. She wants more I believe, she wants to become apart of my life. She gave herself to me. Its really up to me to deciede what I want to do with it and well its been this way for about 2 weeks now.

 

The right thing to do would be to end this relationship now before it goes on any longer.

[steve9417]

So what your saying is that I have not healed and I still have some sort of feelings for my ex even though I have been NC 13 months and our relationship only lasted maybe 1 year?

 

Your also saying this current girl, is giving me emotional support and by doing this has stunted my own emotional growth in regards with dealing with my past relationship?

 

If that is the case, it means this is a rebound relationship and I am only using this person to get myself better. In exchange for the love I give her, she has sex and takes care of me in the hopes that I would stay and form a relationship with her?

 

You are also saying I exhibit the same selfish behavior of my EX and I remember the way she treated me and it confused the hell out of me so that means I must also be confusing this new girl as well.

 

backontrack2 - all i've, as well as others, have given you in our opinion based on the little we know of your situation - you're best placed to know what to do for yourself - we can only share what we'd do based on what we've read

 

i will say that like biker2007 my ex demonstrated high level narcissist tendencies - your ex seems the same as well - needless to say there's likely to be a big vacuum when such a person leaves your life - its taken me a bit of time to get over my ex - but i'm getting there and in a good place today ....... it sounds like you're still caught up in the anger of the way she treated you (completely understandable from what you've written), i would bet you though that once you've more time to own and process that anger then you'd get to the massive realisation that she and you were just not suited !

 

If I am to be honest with myself, I know whats happening, this girl has gone as far as she's going to go with me. I sense it. She wants more I believe, she wants to become apart of my life. She gave herself to me. Its really up to me to deciede what I want to do with it and well its been this way for about 2 weeks now.

 

The right thing to do would be to end this relationship now before it goes on any longer.

 

take your time and work out what you need right now ....... you'll know what that is if you have the space to do it

 

if you do choose to end it then recognise that a good chunk of the support she offers you today is going to have to come from someone else - ie yourself / friend / etc

[Biker2007]

BackonTrack,

 

your ex seems the same as well - needless to say there's likely to be a big vacuum when such a person leaves your life - its taken me a bit of time to get over my ex - but i'm getting there and in a good place today .......

 

As Steve says, you need time now to sort yourself out, and you probably are not going to really do that as long as you stay in a relationship where you are just killing time...yours and hers.

 

So many people are afraid to be alone and jump into another relationship to resolve their pain. I tried this approach and knew very quickly that was night the right thing for me. I was not capable of sharing myself w/ anyone for a while after my X left me, and we only dated for a brief time. Now, almost 2 years later and spending a good part of that focused on getting my head together, I am starting to see my X for who she really was. Don't be afraid to spend a little time on your own.

 

Plus, I met someone new recently. I am at a point that I don't need someone in my life, but I am finally ready for it.

 

Good luck w/ what you decide to do!

[BackonTrack2]

Hello,

You know at first when everything transpired, I had no idea what the hell was going on but I blamed myself, I took responsibility for the entire demise of my relationship.

 

I could not phantom how people could act this way, how someone whom loved me so much could do these things but then I got wise and realized its normal human behavior. My ex to me in this case, is a regular person who just love(s) getting fawked.

 

I won't sit here and judge her and try to analyze her behaivoral problems, people have told me she is a narcissist, has Borderline Personality Problem, and when I met her, I knew she had a few screws loose, but the depth in which people physo anaylized her is amazing. I'll just write her off as non-confident and low self-esteem but I changed that.

 

In the end, we rub off on each other, I believe she is better now than before I met her, which means my job is complete as that was my goal, I had no intentions of staying, however I fell in love and got my heart broken, I became a man.

 

In the end, whatever, its really now about me, I don't even know why I spent those last 3 paragraphs talking about her, as I have not heard from that stranger in a whole year.

 

I guess the point of all this dialogue is to help myself, understand what it is I am going through. I don't need anyone to tell me that.. I already know. I am a young man, trying to find his place in life, I thought I found it, but I was wrong. I am in a new relationship, I don't love the girl, but she is nice to me and helps me, so I will be loyal and not leave her.

 

That is that, that is my situation, that is who I am at the moment. As far as emmotional growth, that will come with life experience. My plans are this post is to, just contiune to work on business, live life, spend time with this new girl and contiune progressing.

 

I have said this so many times, but I always seem to come back on this forum and ask the same question in a different way hoping to get a different answer. If I am to be honest, I still care about my EX, I wonder what she's up to, if she misses me, if she still loves me, but I have those answers already. Its "NO".

 

Well, in LIFE, here I go again, Round2.

[bluechocolate]

The current relationship sounds like a waste of time for you both...and you know it. If you really don't think there is a chance, do the right thing and move on.

 

Agreed. There is a difference between casual dating & just stringing along with something because it's convenient right now.

 

I don’t love this girl, I don’t think I could

 

I don’t want to stay with her

 

Does she know that ? Do yourselves a favour & cut her loose.

[steve9417]

bluechocolate - we've no right to tell him what to do - that's for him to work out ..........

 

I could not phantom how people could act this way, how someone whom loved me so much could do these things but then I got wise and realized its normal human behavior. My ex to me in this case, is a regular person who just love(s) getting fawked.

 

nope I disagree - that's not normal behaviour in a loving supportive relationship - don't stereotype an entire species

 

I won't sit here and judge her and try to analyze her behaivoral problems, people have told me she is a narcissist, has Borderline Personality Problem, and when I met her, I knew she had a few screws loose, but the depth in which people physo anaylized her is amazing. I'll just write her off as non-confident and low self-esteem but I changed that.

 

totally agree with you - she's history and you're lucky that she is - you still have an emotional attachment (which is to be expected for such a significant relationship) - time and being productive will help you there

 

In the end, we rub off on each other, I believe she is better now than before I met her, which means my job is complete as that was my goal, I had no intentions of staying, however I fell in love and got my heart broken, I became a man.

 

you've lost me there .........

 

I am in a new relationship, I don't love the girl, but she is nice to me and helps me, so I will be loyal and not leave her.

 

those words indicate that you don't respect her - fair enough if that's what you want to do then go for it - I can't imagine that this site will give you much sympathy for saying that but it is your show ..... as you say that's where you are at the moment - fair enough

 

That is that, that is my situation, that is who I am at the moment. As far as emmotional growth, that will come with life experience. My plans are this post is to, just contiune to work on business, live life, spend time with this new girl and contiune progressing.

 

good stuff - your GF won't back off - she'll want more from you - get ready for that

I have said this so many times, but I always seem to come back on this forum and ask the same question in a different way hoping to get a different answer. If I am to be honest, I still care about my EX, I wonder what she's up to, if she misses me, if she still loves me, but I have those answers already. Its "NO".

 

Well, in LIFE, here I go again, Round2.

 

you've confirmed you still love / miss the ex - as i've said all along that's 100% understandable - she was an important person and she behaved really badly to you at the end - you didn't get closure - that's why you're still processing the end this much time afterwards

 

i suspect you like many come back to this forum to help with that processing - good luck !

[BackonTrack2]

Thank you for responding.

I do have one question though.

 

1) I did not get closure?

 

I don't think thats needed.

Question(s) I ask myself are this

 

1) Why did she go on date(s)

Unknown

 

2) Why did she start having sex with the OM

Unknown

 

3) Why didn't she stop?

Because she liked it

 

4) Why didn't she tell me?

Because she wasn't sure if it would work out

 

5) Why did she try to come back and did a 180 uturn

Because her emotions got the better of her then she thought about it and decided to take her chances with the OM

 

6) Was it really the OTHER MAN?

No, it was problems between me and her. I ignored her and pushed her to the side.

 

7) Why didn't she just break up with me?

Because she knew what she did and she would of seemed like a whore, so she strung me along hoping I would break up with her

 

8) Why haven't she contacted me

Because she does not care to.

 

I can't spin this any other way. The female stopped caring, left, started a new relationship and strung me along. Typical. At least I know the signs now.

 

Thank you the response, the only thing that stuck out to me was "Your GF is going to want MORE...."

 

The question I want to ask myself is

a) Does she regret it?

 

And the evidence clearly shows, the answer is NO.

 

For some strange reason I think she does, why do I even care? I guess because I want to feel like at least it meant something as opposed to what I'm thinking now in my head.

 

In the END,

I guess I do still have love for her. Even after what she did to me. She reached me far. The only way I see to get over that is either

a) Time or

b) another person

 

and by time, I mean about 1-2 year(s)

[Biker2007]

I don’t love this girl, I don’t think I could

 

I don’t want to stay with her

 

Steve - I agree w/ you to a point. I know if I was with someone and they used the words that BackonTrack used to describe the relationship, I would want them to at least let me know...I would leave and wish them well. No harm, no foul. But to knowingly stay in a relationship when you feel like that without communicating your feelings is simply cruel to the other person.

 

I don't normally like to be told what to do, but I know sometimes I need a reminder from my friends...that was my intent for BackonTrack.

 

The question I want to ask myself is

a) Does she regret it?

 

And the evidence clearly shows, the answer is NO.

 

For some strange reason I think she does, why do I even care? I guess because I want to feel like at least it meant something as opposed to what I'm thinking now in my head.

 

In the END,

I guess I do still have love for her. Even after what she did to me. She reached me far. The only way I see to get over that is either

a) Time or

b) another person

 

and by time, I mean about 1-2 year(s)

 

Do narcissist really regret much? I asked myself that for a very long time after the relationship w/ my X...and you and I have come to the same conclusion...Nope.

 

IMHO - you get over your X by focusing on yourself and getting ready to meet the next one...not meet someone and possible repeat your same mistakes. In your option B, you are potentially just messing w/ another's heart...

[EmperorR]

You should end the relationship, I felt the same way you did then when you end up actually having strong feelings for her you will be dropped its like they know

[bluechocolate]

I know if I was with someone and they used the words that BackonTrack used to describe the relationship, I would want them to at least let me know...I would leave and wish them well. No harm, no foul. But to knowingly stay in a relationship when you feel like that without communicating your feelings is simply cruel to the other person.

 

Precisely. The current girl deserves to know how he feels so she can make an informed decision.

 

I also think it is not helping the OP the way he thinks it might be. IMO (& that is all we can give here), it is just a delaying tactic.

[BackonTrack2]

Ok... Update

 

The new relationship.

The current girl is pulling back. I see it.

Gotta do SOMETHING or I'm going to loose it.

Been happening 3 weeks now.