Niceguy23 Posted October 19, 2003 Share Posted October 19, 2003 Hi...Well I guess I can say I'm just looking for some helpful advice. My Ex and I broke up about 5 months ago but we remain friends to this day. She was my first serious love, and I never wanted to hurt her in any way.I have been calling her about once a week lately to see how life's going and to catch up on her family. While I can say I do this to keep contact with her and try to be a good friend, I think I'm have a harder time moving on which I have been trying very hard to do. Our break-up caused me much confusion and hurt. I considered the break up my fault for not being there enough,but I still to this day don't understand some of the things surrounding the break up. It all started back in February after she came back from a trip to a relatives in another state. She had been getting very depressed for quite some time before this about her life goals and living situaition, which I tried my best to help her out with. The situaition was she was working in a mall job as a assistant manager, and living at home with her Mom and 2 sisters at the time. Meanwhile I admit I had become confused and felt like I couldn't help her with these problems. She considered and started taking anti-depressants and suffered from lack of sleep, mood swings, etc. This was the case even though we hardly ever had fights. To make a long story short she decided that she was eventually going to move out of state, that she felt this was her best option. We had a long conversation in April about this, I was extremely sad about her leaving but told her how my situaition prevented me from leaving state because i couldn't afford the out of state college fees, leaving all my family and friends ETC. But i told her if this made her happy that i couldnt and wouldnt stand in her way. She needed to do whats best for HER. Turns out she was promoted at this mall job and is still living here in her own place. We ended up not getting back together but we still get along well as friends. I gave her an old computer of mine because I felt she would get the best use out of it. Looking back I think I tried my best and gave it my all, I just had problems helping her with her issues that led me to being out with my friends more than I probably should have been. I can honestly say I never lost any love for her I just started feeling depressed myself. This isn't a post for advice about getting a lost love back. I know each of us needs to meet new people and realize she will, if not has already found happiness. Simply I would like to know if I should continue to be friends and call or try to move on with my life as best as possible?? Thanks for any help/advice you all can give me..... Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleAngel Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 My gut feeling on your story is that perhaps you give her some space… It is very common to want to try to stay friends with your first BIG really relationship but this is not always possible or realistic for our healing and growth. Sounds like she has some deep seeded issues and let me tell you, anti-depressant drugs will not help her, what will is if she works through the really issues with a phycologist or counsellor. You should not take responsibility for the break-up, sounds like it may have been a combination of things. Look at what you could have done better and take accountability for your actions but not ultimately the break-up. That’s a bit of a burden to bare. I cannot tell you what you should and shouldn’t do, I don’t know what you guys talk about when you chat on the phone, if she is genuinely interested or is cold and disinterested in your attention towards her. You know, sometimes love isn’t enough to keep two people together, that’s just the way life is. It’s ok to love someone but not be able to be with them. It’s ok! In fact it is common, we all have lost partners in our lives which we really love but realised that its either JUST not going to work OR, its just not the right time. It may be tomorrow. Right now I think you should do your own thing. Leave her be, think of her and send her lots of love and positive thoughts, wish her well for now, but I think let her be. She will come back if she feels strongly about you. Its just interesting how you guys broke-up in that way, then she never moved away and there was never any discussion about getting back together. I feel as though the break up was not at all about her leaving, but perhaps it was an excuse to break up, is that right? Was there something else that may have instigated this? Communication is a BIG part of creating a good relationship, and if you can’t talk about your feelings, motives etc… then its not going to work my friend. I feel as though there was some communication problems with you two? Perhaps you where scared to upset her because of her position but you cannot make excuses for it. Walking on eggshells around someone is not going to help you create a solid relationship. You say you feel you could not help her with her problems…help is not always in the form of resolution. We cannot resolve things in someone else’s mind, we can try to assist, give advice or suggestions but at the end of the day, they are just that… the person needs to find their own way, don’t feel too bad about it. Ultimately we can help someone all we want but don’t actually help them at all… Sometimes the best form of help is LOVE and SUPPORT! No words can top that! Anyway good luck with it all! Link to post Share on other sites
dontomaso Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Hi... I don't know how to answer your question either, but I had a similar situation that just dragged on and on. First we were "just friends." then I told her it was too hard, and when it was finally okay for me to be "friends" again, she was basically not interested for whatever reason that she could never exlain to me. My only advice is this... if your ex is a good communicator, you believe what she says, and you can deal with the pain of "just being friends," then don't cut off contact because you might not ever be able to reestablish. Once she feels like she's lost control of the situation, things could backfire on you. Who knows... this stuff is so damn hard. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeinternational Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 What I would do is to move on as best as I can. You may want to continue being a good friend to her, but she should not be the only person you're going to think or care about. Start moving on if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Niceguy23 Posted October 21, 2003 Author Share Posted October 21, 2003 Dear senior member and the two others who replied. I appreciate the help in many ways! The worst times for me are just feeling alone and always thinking about what went wrong, ETC. I know I'm far from the first person to go through this but I believe this was a learning process for me. Anyhow the advice meant alot to me, and I will take it to heart. Have a great day... Link to post Share on other sites
hopeinternational Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 Yes, it's been a tough lesson... it will take time to heal, but it'll help if you can get your mind occupied on other things...like a hobby, your family and pals. Take care, Niceguy. Link to post Share on other sites
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