8 Weeks Today...

[wildsoul]

...not that I'm counting days anymore. But since I dropped back by, I thought I'd check in and share my progress with those of you who know me, and those of you who are wondering what it might be like if you end your affair.

 

I haven't seen my xSM for 9-weeks actually. It really helps that we're not in physical proximity. He knows not to show up at my door and hasn't. I'm grateful that my resolve hasn't been tested in person.

 

We had a brief email exchange (back when I last posted) but no contact since then. I blocked him from my personal mail, and he hasn't tried reaching me at my business one.

 

So we're both honoring my request for NC.

 

I'm still grieving some. There are days when I feel that I've totally moved on! But I can feel the layers of hidden sadness that emerge and recede in the tidepools of my heart.

 

Yesterday was a beautiful spring day, the kind of day we would've enjoyed together. It was hard to feel this gigantic hole in my life, aching and longing for the good times. My mind wrestles these thoughts down, because I know there is no going backwards. I try to be compassionate with myself, too. Of course, I long for the good parts. I was so fulfilled so much of the time. It's a dodgy sorting process to accept that YES, I miss what we had, and also to acknowledge that I cannot have just the "good" parts. Waves of longing, waves of grief, embracing the sea of feelings without getting carried away.

 

I've been dating some. A few dates with an exBF, and one with a new person. Both seem to want something more from me than I have to give. I'm not ready for anything more than some companionship and light flirting.

 

My xSM and I had such a powerful romantic/sexual chemistry. It was effortless, creative, and deep. I know I need to move him out of me somehow. I don't want to be comparing everyone else with what I had with him. Yet, I don't want to settle for less after having such a profound compatibility. I suspect that if I get sexual with someone else, I'll be flooded with a giant wall of grief for missing xSM. I'm not sure what to do except take it slow. Does this make sense to anyone?

 

Oh, but I do enjoy the calmness of not worrying about xSM's marriage/separation/divorce process! Gosh, but that constant questioning was wearing me out. I'm happy to only have ME to worry about right now. There is some freedom in being single; not having to take someone else into account. I've made a point of spending lots of time with friends. I'm rebuilding my life one day at a time.

[jj33]

You are doing great WS. I read somewhere it take 3 months to really break a habit. So you are almost there. Being away from him for an extended period of time gives you a chance to heal and to feel what it is like to have him out of your life.

 

And no longer waiting and wondering what is going to happen next must be a huge relief. Especially in this case where even when the divorce is finalized, he would still have had the anger issues.

 

It always feels like there will never be anyone else with whom you share that powerful chemistry but there will be. Its just a matter of time.

 

Keep up the good work.

[2sunny]

My xSM and I had such a powerful romantic/sexual chemistry. It was effortless, creative, and deep.

 

 

this may very well have been the case at that moment - but he was just in this to fool you for the short term.

 

any man can sustain that illusion on a short term basis. he was good at it until he showed his angry side. this angry side was his "true" side. it wasn't looking so much like chemistry then.

 

he was playing a game with you and he was good at the game. makes a person wonder how he got so good at it.

[whichwayisup]

Yet, I don't want to settle for less after having such a profound compatibility

You probably won't find that with anyone else, that affair intensity dynamtic. You can still have amazing chemistry with someone though, and it'll be healthier.

 

Glad to hear you're healing and getting on with your life.

 

PS A little off topic here, but I love your avatar! It's one of my favourites.

[mytruelove]

it's very good to hear from you!!! sounds like your coming along just fine. congrats on your strength and courage.

[wildsoul]

Thanks, everyone!

 

I've got to remember that at least half of that chemistry was ME and I'm still here and will be bringing that with me to my next relationship.

 

WWIU mentioned the intensity of the affair dynamic and I want to add something to that.

 

One thing that makes my story a little bit different than many others here is that I refused to date him unless he was separated. We were in a true affair situation (him living with her and seeing me without her knowing) for 2 months (of our 13 mos relationship.)

 

There was some fuzziness to that, as he first moved out into a room rental (more of a trial separation) then later moving out into a full apartment (a real separation.)

 

My reasons for insistance on him being at least separated held up to be true: I didn't want to be in an affair dynamic, not only because I didn't want to be wronging his W, but also so I could evaluate the R on it's own merits.

 

Looking back, I see that is exactly what happened. And the more he really separated from his W and became mine, the more I got the jerky side. It got worse. I got my answer and ended it.

 

For anyone who's still in an affair, waiting for him to separate, I urge you to at least insist on that next level. Otherwise, you really risk waiting and committing to someone that may turn out to be someone you don't want. I just don't think you can really know until you're OUT of the affair dynamic and into the out in the open phase.

[sugarmomma]

Wildsoul...YOu have know idea how much reading all your posts has helped me to seal the deal on my decision to leave the man "i thought was the best" for me. You talked a lot about your codependency, the abuse, the temper tantrums and I could relate to it all. The main thing you said that hit me was "i didn't leave him because of his marital status but because of him" and that knocked me out of my chair. I wanted to believe that I was breaking up with my guy who lived with "baby momma" and kids becasuse of his status but it really wasn't that.

 

I realized that he was changing after 3 months. He really wasn't able to keep the mask on for much longer. After idealizing me and seeing what a wonderful person I was he started to try and devalue me and I don't allow anyone to mistreat me in any kind of way (at least not anymore, because I have a history of abusive relationships). I am so aware now of abusive characteristics because I have started to work on myself and how to be healthy instead of codependent. This is a helpful link to identify abusers

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171

 

He had 2 temper tantrums when I didn't make myself available when he wanted me to ( I made sure to see him on my terms and not his). He also ignored me when we were in the middle of texting about a very important topic. He also got caught in a lie when I asked where he had been looking for a condo (looked like a deer in headlights). I also heard him refer to the baby momma as a B***H. And he used to use a lot of profanity around me until he saw that I am not a big fan of it. He also wanted to see if it was okay to let me down by not keeping his word and disappoint me to see how I would respond. He also got very angry when I broke up withhim and totally ignored when I sent him an easter text. I mean the day of Christs' resurrection and I couldn't get a response. I think he wated to see if I would grovel and ask him back but hell no.

 

After reading your posts, I know in my heart I have truly dodged a huge bullet!!!!

 

All of his behaviors above told me that if I continued seeing him he would lose all respect for me because he clearly didn't have any for the BM. I am just so grateful that I am so aware of when a man has abusive tendencies and regardless of how good the sex is (and it was good) I have to take responsibilty for myself and end the relationship. and all this is beyond the fact that I shouldn't have been in it in the first place due to his status. But the fact is abusive men usually attract codependent women and it is unreal how magnetic it can be.

 

Today, I totally judge a man based on how he deals with conflict and I have learned to do that from working on my codependency. Any man in my future has to be single and show all the signs of what I consider

 

A Good Man

 

 

<STRONG>

[sugarmomma]

A Good Man has certain characteristics in addition to his faithfulness

 

He listens to you.

 

He can give you honest feedback but is not critical of you.

 

He is patient and gives the relationship time to develop.

 

He has self-respect and expects your respect as well as respecting you.

 

He recognises your strengths and your courage.

 

He is supportive but does not want to rescue you or be your therapist.

 

He can laugh at himself and at life.

 

He is kind and loving - he may have ‘off days’ but even then he is still respectful and caring.

 

He loves to be loved by you.

 

He expects that you both have individual lives and want some time apart.

 

He appreciates you exactly as you are NOW without any desire to make you change or improve.

 

He is committed to his own happiness in life and takes full responsibility for attaining his own goals.

 

He is committed to your happiness.

 

He appreciates your support and does not blame you for his shortcomings.

 

He loves others from his strengths and not his weaknesses.

 

He can accept the word no and show empathy for others.

 

He is fun to be with, makes you laugh, and the relationship feels safe.

 

You can be yourself without effort, without having to prove anything, without having to earn affection and without fear of a BACKLASH.

[wildsoul]

Wildsoul...YOu have know idea how much reading all your posts has helped me to seal the deal on my decision to leave the man "i thought was the best" for me.

(((sugarmomma))) Thanks for telling me. I'm spending less and less time here now, but keep coming back about once a week to help others. I'm so grateful for the support I got here.

 

Stay strong and move along! It sounds like you've grown leaps and bounds!

[sugarmomma]

Its amazing how they get angry when you break it off. I mean really, like the breakup is about them and not you. They have absolutely no ability to show empathy and understand how much pain you're in. It like "I don't care if you're in pain, just keep being available when I want you".

 

I know this is really hard for you because you were in it so much longer but I am a firm believer that......this too shall pass.

 

I wish you the best in your healing process. Affairs chip the self esttem down to almost nothing in some cases.