The Other Man

[BryanKC]

I recently ended a 1 1/2 year affair with a married woman. I never intended to have an affair - she was unhappy in her marriage and I wanted her to leave her husband. I never worked harder at getting someone to be with me. She said she loved me and wanted to leave, but was too afraid and weak. About 3 months ago I ended it.

 

Two weeks ago she called and said that her husband had found out (I don't know whether he found out or she told him). She wanted me to stay away from her town, as it was dangerous for me. He has called me and we talked for an hour about the affair, which was weird. He says he wants to meet me, which is weirder.

 

She does not want to be with her husband but will not file for divorce. She does not want to be with me. She seems completely messed up. I feel I was stupid to fall totally in love with her, but I did. I am very very depressed and sad. In my heart I am in love with her, yet my head knows that she is bad bad news.

 

I don't know what I want out of this post, I guess I was just looking for some support or advice or comments. How do you go on after something like this (she works in the same company that I do, so that is an added complication). I feel I will never have feelings for anyone again, and I also feel it would be very difficult to trust someone - I found out that she lied to me about many things.

 

Any comments would be appreciated.

[Fancy]

First of all, I would strongly advise against meeting her husband. That could put you in a very, very dangerous position and I can't see where any good could possibly come of it.

 

Is there any way you could leave the company and find another job, or at the very least be transferred to another department or something? Seeing her every day is only going to prolong your pain and impede your healing.

 

If you want out, then get out, but don't dilly dally around. You have no future with this girl. Stop living off the crumbs of another man and find a woman who's available.

[PurpleAngel]

I think that you have done the right thing moving away form it… Not sure whether you should meet up with the husband, don’t know how that will resolve anything within you but this is a decision you need to make.

 

Look your instincts are probably right, she may very well be bad news… and I think she might be. You deserve someone exclusively for you. Don’t beat yourself up about having fallen in love with her, you did what you did at the time, but thank yourself for having moved away for that and wanting to get on with your life and be true to yourself… this is exactly the right thing. YOU WILL fall in love again, and my bet is its going to be 100 time better with someone who you are committed to exclusively and who wants to have you all to herself and only you. Don’t worry about it, you get out there and do your thing, leave this whole situation behind you.

 

Don’t worry about the fact she works at your company, treat her as you would anyone else. Stay committed to yourself and be true to you. Its not a problem unless you think and believe it is.

 

Everything takes time, especially matters of the heart, but don’t be discouraged and don’t be too hard on yourself… know what you want, and that should be all the great things you deserve, not someone else’s wife, You deserve more than that! Be true to you, do things that honour you and make you a better you…. Let this be motivation to heal. Healing works as fast as you can manage it and desire it, so believe that you will be ok, desire to be healed and you will be sooner than you think!

 

You will get through this and meet someone wonderful! Trust me! She’s not far away!

[amerikajin]

Absolutely under no circumstances should you meet your ex-lover's husband. Absolutley not! No way. You are getting yourself into a very, very dangerous situation if you do that. To this man, you are SATAN! I don't care of he seems like a nice guy, you don't know what his state of mind is right now. Trust me, leave him alone.

 

Let me give you a piece of advice: don't take another man's woman.

 

Let me give you another piece of advice: if you're going to take another man's woman, make sure you're where you can't be reached. You were not only dumb for hooking up for a married woman, but you were dumb for hooking up with a married woman at work. How exactly would you explain it to your boss and co-workers if one day her husband showed up at your office one day and started acted loony?

 

You've learned a lesson about adulterers: they're dishonest people. If they're lying to them, they're probably lying to you, too. She's been living a lie with her husband, but she's been living a lie with you as well. And you've also been living a lie, dude. You assumed that she wanted out of her marriage while she was living with him all the time. You listened to her tell you that she was having a bad marriage. You only heard one person's side of the story. What you didn't know was that she was probably using you for her own reasons - a sense of adventure...self sexual satisfaction...boredom...or to get the attention of her husband for some perceived slight. Don't you find it a bit strange that for the entire time you were together that her hubby never found out, but now that you've ended it, he finally knows the truth?! And don't listen to her bullcr@p about "I didn't want him to know...he just kinda found out about it." No, he found out because she wanted him to know about it. She feels that she's being taken for granted, so she decided she'd play him and even the score. And she played you, and now she's playing both of you at the same time against each other. What a self-centered b#tch this woman is. Not only did she even the score with her husband, she's evening the score with you, too, for refusing to carry this game further.

 

Now for some advice that you can REALLY use:

 

1. DO NOT MEET HIM - EVER!

 

2. Keep your contact with this broad to a MINIMUM. AVOID HER ENTIRELY.

 

3. You may not agree with this, but if it were me, I'd start looking for new employment immediately, and I'd even consider leaving the city - I'd even consider leaving the state.

 

4. I don't mean this personally, but for the purpose of helping you out, the next time you guys have a man-to-man chat over the phone (let him call you), tell him the truth: you were acting like a dumbass, you're young and stupid, you know you f*cked up, you're damn sorry, and you're getting the hell outta town so that they can hopefully resurrect their lives. You wish them the best.

 

5. Understand this was a big mistake. Don't ever do this again.

[PurpleAngel]

Amerikajin, first of all this is his decision… I also agree that there is no need to meet this man… all adulterers are not dishonest and he does not need to leave his job or the city! For gods sakes…. They should be scared of him not him scared of them. Yes so he made a mistake, one I trust and hope, for his sake, he doesn’t make again.

 

 

BryanKC, Don’t feel pressured to leave anything, you belong there just as much as she does. BUT yes you have made your bed and now you have to lye in it, but this does not mean jumping out of the pan into the fire. Take your time making your decision as to what you do in that regard. BUT I do agree with something, leave her alone… stay away… I’d personally cut ties with both her and her husband… no need keeping something there that is not going to serve you and be of any benefit. Use your energy in moving on.

[amerikajin]

Let me be clear: while I was harsh (as I intended to be) I was not saying that he was evil or a bad guy. Not at all. We all make mistakes in life, even big ones. But in this case, I'm just telling him the obvious: adultery is a very risky proposition for a lot of reasons.

 

I've re-read my message after letting it sit for a few hours and I still stand by what I said. Based on the information that's been given, I'd say he's in a potentially volatile situation right now. I've personally known some guys who've experienced adultery, and I don't know a single one of them who simply shrugged it off. Two of my friends openly talked about kicking the other guy's ass and said they would if they ever saw him. Of course nothing happened, but it could have been pretty bad if they'd met in person. This idea of meeting her husband is a big-time no, no. I'm a guy and I know how the male mind (especially the American male mind) works. I don't know how it works in Oz, but revenge is unfortunately very much a part of our culture. I'm telling him...stay away from this guy, lay as low as possible.

 

And I disagree: adulterers are dishonest people. It's just as plain as day. If you're out sneaking around on someone telling your significant other that you're committed, you're being dishonest to the core. I understand that there are many explanations on why people seek affection outside of a relationship, but at the end of the day you can't excuse it. In this poor guy's case, it's pretty obvious he was played by a pro. You can analyze this ad nauseam but the truth is clear: she had her own selfish little reasons for seeking affection outside of her marriage and she used our poster here as a tool to get some personal satisfaction and, as well, to use as leverage against her husband at the appropriate time. And when he finally got some sense and realized that this was stupid, she acted even more selfishly by letting the cat out of the bag. Not for a moment do I buy that he just found out about it, either - he only found out about it AFTER the affair ended. To me that says, she was one pissed off little wench who wanted to get even with both her husband and her lover by pitting them against each other. She's created her own little theater here and I bet she's really loving it deep down inside. She's a dishonest b*tch if you ask me.

 

Truth is, I'm not being too hard on KC. This was probably the first time he ever found himself in this situation and thought he could get her to do the right thing by ending the marriage and then starting a new relationship together. When she didn't end it, maybe he felt some need to show how he felt and just lost his head and went for it anyway, without thinking about the consequences. Mind you, this is not an excuse or defense of his actions anymore than hers, but I think his actions are more forgivable than hers in the long run. She, on the other hand, is a manipulator. I feel most sorry for her husband in this case.

[moimeme]

revenge is unfortunately very much a part of our culture.

 

Because, of course, the affair is entirely the other man's fault.

[BryanKC]

I have to tell you, after reading the post from Amerwhatever, I wondered what the helll I was doing posting on this forum. Let me elaborate on some things.

 

She lives in another city, 2 1/2 hours away from here. I have no reason to see her on a regular basis. I do go to her city for business from time to time and might pass her in the hall or something. Not planning on ever seeing either of them again.

 

She is in a low-paying entry-level job and is having trouble keeping that (I tried to give her suggestions for how to do better, like showing up for work on time....). I am the head of a computer department, and have a good career with this company. And, BTW, adultry is rampant in this company. No excuses, just to give the background, and that my behavour will not be seen as out of the norm in my company.

 

She pursued me initially. I tried to tell her to get counseling, that I was interested in her, if she decided to leave her marriage. She hadn't been married long, but had known the guy a long time. I had outside independent validation from others that she didn't have a happy marriage.

 

I caved in eventually and decided to have the affair. I told her from the get-go I was only interested in the affair as a way to win her over. I was not going to stay in it forever. I told her I would marry her and she could live in KC. I have a nice house, make great money. I guess if she were a gold digger, she would have jumped at this. She didn't, wnated to make sure, etc. She was unable to leave her husband - she is just a very very weak person, and messed up in many ways. I think she did love me, but it doesn't matter, she didn't leave him.

 

Understand I only did this because I really thought there was something special between us, and she did nothing to dissuade me from that. She always said she knew we would be together. That was a lie I guess. I do think she has made a terrible mistake. She didn't leave her husband for me, and she didn't try to work out her marriage by leaving me (like I suggested to her), and now her marriage is a shambles. She doesn't want to remain married to this guy, but he does. She has no job future, and probably not great love prospects in the small town she is from. I told her if she didn't decide, this would happen. I gave her time. And then I let her be. I DIDN'T tell him, I didn't contact her anymore. She probably told him, as far as I can gather. This is why I am scared of her. I think she is really bad news, has very very bad decision making skills, and needs help.

 

My plan is to do nothing for awhile. I am extremely depressed. I feel pretty guilty and ashamed, and I am sorry I hurt her husband - I have apoligized to him. I also am very angry at her (and I told her this the last time I saw her and told her I was very disappointed in her). My only goal right now is just to hang in there and see how the next few weeks go.

 

The two friends that know of the affair are telling me not to feel so bad; they didn't know she was going to do this. They really believed she was going to leave him. How was I supposed to know whether or not she was? I took a gamble, and I lost. We are both guilty, her and I. Even her husband a bit. He told me (the man who had an affair with her husband) that he was not nice to her and had taken her for granted and done "wrong" things to her (she says he sometimes hit her when he was drunk). Not saying it is all his fault, but it is a complicated situation.

[moimeme]

Bottom line: NEVER have an affair with a married person and NEVER believe they are going to leave. If you are interested in a married person, tell her you'll be with her after she's divorced and then back off and wait.

 

You fell for the classic lines that women fall for when in affairs with married men; unhappy marriage (no matter how many outside sources 'confirm' this, if the marrriage is THAT unhappy, she should've left), will leave eventually (oh, to have a buck for every poor schlub that has believed the man/woman who has said that), etc.

 

It is unfortunate that you fell for the same old stories the way so many other people have. At least, you'll know what to look out for next time.

[amerikajin]

>>>I have to tell you, after reading the post from Amerwhatever, I wondered what the helll I was doing posting on this forum<<<

 

Let's get one thing straight, pal: I didn't make you come here. You came onto this website and voluntarily disclosed the fact that you were having an affair with a married woman, and I presumed you wanted feedback. Well I gave it to you. I'm sorry you didn't like what I had to say, but that's just too bad. I'm honestly telling you what I think is in your best interests. I can assure you, though, most married men would agree 100 percent with every single word I've written. Consider yourself lucky this man isn't nuts. This situation could've ended much differently. My advice is, quit while things aren't so bad.

 

One thing I can't help but notice is that even now, you continue to rationalize your behavior. You're free to characterize this however you wish - I can't control that. My advice, however, is that you stop rationalizing this and start taking some measure of accountability for your actions.

 

>>>She pursued me initially. I tried to tell her to get counseling, that I was interested in her, if she decided to leave her marriage. She hadn't been married long, but had known the guy a long time. I had outside independent validation from others that she didn't have a happy marriage.<<<

 

As you say, your bottom line is that you ended up giving into your own desires to be with her. I understand that those urges are strong, but it was an illicit relationship and there's no sidestepping that. Independent validation? What the hell is that supposed to mean. This is NOT an invitation for you to invade someone's marriage.

 

>>>I told her from the get-go I was only interested in the affair as a way to win her over. I was not going to stay in it forever. I told her I would marry her and she could live in KC. I have a nice house, make great money. I guess if she were a gold digger, she would have jumped at this.<<<

 

I think your heart was in the right place, but your head was not. I think you were trying to be her friend and you did that for as long as you could. I think anytime you begin to feel strong feelings for a married woman, it's time to leave her alone...as long as she's married. Of course, once she's separated, then it's on.

 

>>>She didn't, wnated to make sure, etc. She was unable to leave her husband - she is just a very very weak person, and messed up in many ways. I think she did love me, but it doesn't matter, she didn't leave him.<<<

 

Yes, she is messed up. She is weak. And I'm sorry if you don't like my characterization of your "friend" but she's also dishonest and there's not a damn thing that's going to change my opinion about that. What is is what is. She DID tell him. She told him because she was angry at you and wanted to strike back at you for having the balls to end the affair with her. You may not want to see your little "friend" this way, but that's the way it is. You need to wake up! You've been shat on by her.

 

Your bottom line is that you never know what goes on between four walls. You should never invade someone's marriage for any reason. You can be a friend and a base of support, and had you not gotten intimate with her, she might actually have become stronger on her own. But instead, you gave her what she wanted anyway, and there was no reason for her to give up either you or her husband.

 

In closing, I'm not sitting in judgment of you as a person. Not at all, my friend. Just like everyone else I've done things in my life that were wrong and I would never want people to use that as a broad brush against me. We're only human. What I'm saying is that this affair was obviously a big mistake, and I think the only way to drive that point home is to be very direct, very honest - even if you don't like what I have to say. That's my style. Sorry if I offended you.