vessv6l Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 If this man hater is really influencing her decisions then shes not able to think clearly for herself. Forget her for now mate, try not to think of her and keep yourself busy. Do the things you like to do, see friends etc. Try to avoid all contact with her, everything. NC is for your to be able to move on. You have tried to make ammends and she hasnt changed her mind. Now the more you push the more she will withdraw further Link to post Share on other sites
jessicasilver Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 nooooooooooo your wrong i can assure you shes is not happy at all... i done the same thing before!! she just doesnt understand how you given up on her so easily, she was expecting you to beg her for a couple of months and be completely devastated but you didnt give her that satisfaction!!! she wants a reaction from you... but dont give it to her infact dont even sign in to msn anymore or go on every now and then... she will be thinking what is he up to, does he still care... keep the NC too, its for your own good, until you heal and then you can talk to her as much as you want!!!! if she can talk to you still... she still cares Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 so this is post no.16 ish... and im finally begining to get some sense drummed into me. Its becoming clearer now. NC seems the way to go... What happens tho when SHE contacts ME?? wait...i know....NC right? I bet that would get to her! How do you know when you have taken NC to far and made her feel like you dont care anymore and she thinks 'oh well, ill move on'' ?....wait hold on a second...i know...you'll get that magic email or phone call saying im sorry, please come back, i made a mistake!!! Ok, i really think i get it now. I spoke to one of our friends this evening, and she said i sounded like i used to years ago, positive and just myself. That was really nice to here, as today i am really feeling like a fighting spirit. My BEAR has re-awakened Thats my spirit animal. shame i dont have the physic...yet Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Looks to me like she is done. Her IM conversation was to find out if a package had come for her, to see if you would do a favor for her mom, and to complain politely that you changed your FB status telling everyone you had broken up after you assured her that you hadn't told anyone. Good luck, and maintain the NC as well as you can. PS. Blaming your poor behavior on your parents' dysfunction isn't really an attractive trait; I would want my BF to man up and tell me why he acted like a jerk, not to say that he acted like a jerk because his dad is a jerk and being around him makes BF act the same way. My poor behaviour only happened when we moved up here, and i recognize it as a pattern, i was trying to copy my dad. Not so cool dad after all. If you find that an unattractive then thats fine, im not trying to hook up with you but i realised a pattern, and now i am being myself, not my dad. I acted like a jerk also because when we moved up here i didnt love her as much as i used to, which i also mentioned in this thread, was a very short lived feeling. I guess i was excited to be home again and spent my days in the garage with the lads, who all seem to disrespect women. Im not like that, and i dont know why i was for that period, i guess i was feeling easily influenced but its happened now and there is nothing i can do to change it, only move on, or up and rise above that kind of behaviour as it is no way counter productive to any relationship. I know this now, If i could tell her this i would, but i am not allowed to contact her! She knows it was out of character for me to treat her like that, and she knows im sorry for what i did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 nooooooooooo your wrong i can assure you shes is not happy at all... i done the same thing before!! she just doesnt understand how you given up on her so easily, she was expecting you to beg her for a couple of months and be completely devastated but you didnt give her that satisfaction!!! she wants a reaction from you... but dont give it to her infact dont even sign in to msn anymore or go on every now and then... she will be thinking what is he up to, does he still care... keep the NC too, its for your own good, until you heal and then you can talk to her as much as you want!!!! if she can talk to you still... she still cares Exactly. wow this site is good. EDIT- Your Goood! Even better, when our frind who spoke to me tonight speaks to her at somepoint, all she will here is that im actually sounding happy and positive and like my old self again...seriously, i am actually feeling pretty good Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 I really wish i was feeling as positive as i was lastnight ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 So she is online right now, in my googlemail chat screen. I remain invisible!! I know i should just delete her from it, but im curious to know when she is online visibly, how often when i remain NC and remain invisble... NC maybe she's expecting me to come online when she is, just to see if i will pop on too so she can just sign off as has happened in the past (last week)....but im not going to give her that satisfaction of thinking that i am looking for her, which im not, im spending most of my time on this site just now, i love it!! This whole 'im not back until the 13th' crap has given me a new perspective on all this, its actually making it easier for me to ignore her and remain invisible cos now im pis*ed that she has lied to me.... Im pretty sure that she has been online, lurking in the shadows to see where i am, but I have remained my no-show status now for 3 days, occasionally signing on at night when she is not visibly there for a few minutes just to check my emails and then buggering off again....she must be wondering now.... Oh the games we play, i feel a bit childish, but also like im starting to have some fun at her expense. Her loss, mos def. Im actually starting to feel at times like i dont want her back at all. I just want her to hurt for hurting me, i know thats wrong, but she broke my heart into a thousand peices. ripped up, chewed up, s*at out and spat on. Im worth more than that. Correct me if im wrong Or maybe she truly just does not care anymore either way, if she does not come back to me, I can take satisfaction in the fact that I will know that she obviously might not be the one, and that 'the one' is still out there.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Ok guys, im afraid i need a little more help than i thought..... I really do still love this girl, truly,madly,deeply. And i really do want to try to work things out with her. Is NC really the way to go? I know it is used for healing, but to be honest with you, i do feel really secure in myself now, I know where I went wrong and know that i can keep up my new me. I feel as long as we are just civil to each other (see pg 1 chat txt) that I am only reinforcing her to not want me. I know a part of her does, but this is not a gam,e. this is people feelings here and i really dont know what to do. I feel like i should have re-itterated in our last chat (pg 1 chat txt) that i was sorry for the way i was, and that i was working on being better. Im not happy without her, and i do love her. I dont need her but i do want her. seriously, she is just amazing. I feel like all she is hearing is how well i am doing and how happy i am. Like i dont give a ****, I feel like it is maybe hurting her, and that is not what i want to do....as you can see from her chat, that she pretty much playing the same game as me. Or is she? maybe she really has got over me really fast. I stopped begging her after 4 days and accepted. afte 4.5 years together there must be more to it than this... LC is good, but i really dont know what to say except all this civil polite small talk all the time, when all i really want to do is be back together again.. I dont really want to play these silly games. Someone please help me out here, i want constructive ways to show her i still care and i miss her, that im doing well but i want to be with her Please guys, gimme some advice here. i feel like i am slowly destroying things. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Please guys, gimme some advice here. There is still a chance that all is not lost, but it's up to her. The only thing you can realistically do is let her know (in only a few words!) how you feel & that any future contact with you means a commitment to make the relationship work - then you leave her alone. That's it. I guarantee you that everyone writing here knows exactly what you're going through. We've all been there. Some with relationships that lasted months, others who had decades invested & many who have experienced this from both sides. It's never easy, but we all survived. Keep posting if you feel it helps & be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 The only thing you can realistically do is let her know (in only a few words!) how you feel & that any future contact with you means a commitment to make the relationship work - then you leave her alone. That's it. A few words? I dont know what to say..... What gives you the impression all is not lost? This is a very interesting comment for someone to say on this site ... By the way, thank you for reading this whole thread, that was really nice of you to take your time to do that. much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 What gives you the impression all is not lost? Because sometimes people do get back together. It has been known to happen. & you're welcome Link to post Share on other sites
skreen23 Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe write her a letter, more personal, explaining your feelings for her and your hopes for the future. Don't make it too soppy or needy, make it clear that it will hurt if you lose her but you can carry on without her. This sounds cruel but it is a game. You've got to play your best cards, come across as confident and happy. Don't write a novel, keep it short and concise. I really think people want things they can't have and when they get them lose interest. This is nearly impossible but keep cool and stop trying to second guess her, it'll drive you mad. During my last break the first few weeks i almost lost my mind, stopped eating etc. Anyway took a drive to an ancient Pagan sight here and sat down to think. Figured out that i'm a great fella and i deserve to be happy and she is a beautiful person and deserves to be happy also and if we are meant to be great, if not oh well. Don't panic, you're going to fine, no matter what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 She recently started a marshal arts course when we moved up here, and i know that this had a part to play in our breaking up as the lady she is moving in with is filling her head with 'hate him'. First of all you need to quit making excuses for why she stopped loving you. Sure, other ppl may influence an opinion about someone - but they can't make you stop loving someone. You sound just like my ex fiancé, who instead of realising it was over because we weren't actually "soulmates" kept finding other ppl and reasons as to why the relationship ended. Stop trying to find other factors, move on and deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 quite obviously you still have some major issues with your ex bettyboop. I came here for support from people and insight, if YOU want to have a go at someone, go shout at YOUR ex. Not me. OK I have taken full responsibilty for my actions, i have said and made it quite clear that i know what i did was wrong. Both on here and to her. I treated her very well for 4.5 years until we moved up here. I have not even breathed a word of any of the bad things she did to me over the years. I dont believe she stopped loving me, i know she still cares. I also know that this older woman has had a part to play in her not reconciling with me...yet Im sorry but i think that that is a rather pathetic thing to come on here and have a go at someone cos they remind you of your ex....take your own advice, move on.dont be bitter with me, you dont even know me!! Im not going to move on or give up, im going to fight for our love as i believe it worth fighting for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 First of all you need to quit making excuses for why she stopped loving you. Sure, other ppl may influence an opinion about someone - but they can't make you stop loving someone. You sound just like my ex fiancé, who instead of realising it was over because we weren't actually "soulmates" kept finding other ppl and reasons as to why the relationship ended. Stop trying to find other factors, move on and deal with it. And just to quote you on a few things, SHE told ME that we were soulmates after we broke up. and it ended before this other lady became involved. No where does it say that it is this older ladys fault, it only says that she has been an influence in her decision makinf for now. But as you say, and i do have to give you some kudos here, other people may influence you, but cant stop you loving. Im happy knowing that. so thankyou Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 How sweet, i just had my FIRST argument with another woman since mine left me for me being a jerk Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Sorry for being such a dick... Resistance is futile, acceptance is bliss. I made a mistake and i have no one else to blame but myself.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Ok guys, i can see exactly what you are getting at now... A friend of mine lent me this cd he has called EX2 (ex squared) I got to say, that you guys are right, all the info you guys have given me is pretty much what they are saying on this cd....BUT, there is an abundance of info on here that is effing amazing!! I will share with you when i have finished. just wanted to let you all know that this is actually pretty good stuff. I didnt have to pay for it, so im not spending my money on crap..but its kinda tactical, and fills in the gaps from what i haerd from people on here I will share with you later..... Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I just want her to hurt for hurting me, i know thats wrong, but she broke my heart into a thousand peices... First of all, soz if I came off as cold. But yeah I've got major issues - the major issues of him tracking me down despite changing emails and phone number...I quoted you up there because he got to the point where he just wanted to hurt me, for hurting him by breaking off our engagement. I know it's all a rollercoaster for you right now - one moment you want her more than ever, and the next you just want to break her into pieces like she broke you down. But, think of this, you are the one breaking yourself down right now. You think of the games you two might play, and it will only tear you up inside and become bitter. I moved on the day I told my ex it was over - in September last year. And still, today, he sends me emails from new email adresses (blocking him always) and he can't let go. It is turning him into a person I no longer know. And I would hate to see another guy go down this road. If you want to stop hurting, and even having a chance to get her back - just let her go. Give her N/C. She will either realise she can't be without you - or you will realise that you can live without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Thats really ok BB. Im sorry i was being a dick...i really was. I dont feel like i want to hurt her anymore, i was just angry cos she said she was out of the country, when she was not. That really hurt my feelings. I have remained NC now since that chat online. I have not seen or heard from her. I dont want our old relationship back, it was stale, and unbalanced. I must continue to grow and find myself, what makes me happy. I will however, still hope for a new love between us maybe one day, as I feel it entirely possible. Truly, i do. I hope I do not make the same/more of the mistakes as your ex, if you hate him that much, i really would rather just be her friend than an enemy.... I know we can do that, we do respect each other. NC is the way to go for now. I know she will be getting in touch at some point, and we will be meeting up. I know that she will not cut me out of her life completely. If you have any more advice on not being a dick and doing the right thing I will take it board As you all say, if it was meant to be, it will be. I respect you all for putting up with my crap, i have been immature and found it hard to take on what people have to say, even if it is true. Sometimes my emotions ca rule over my head and my heart Link to post Share on other sites
skreen23 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Try and redirect any of that negative emotions (anger, despair) into something positive. Example, if you're feeling angry, exercise, got to the gym. Feel depressed, paint, write. Look how many good songs, films, poems, novels are all about doomed love. Not trying to say your love is doomed though. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoop Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 ...if you hate him that much... First, just to clarify: Never said I hated him, so I don't know where you got that impression...he is the one who probably hates me if anything. I don't want him to suffer, or to hurt - but nothing I could say can make his pain go away. He is simply hurting himself - I haven't said one bad word to him. Which is why I mean it is important not to dwell on what your ex is doing, meaning or thinking - you will drive yourself insane questioning everything. I hope you will find new love either in her or someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 Hey Folks, Just thought I would give you all a quick update. I have realised that the problem was not my parents, it was not this 'apparent' man hater, it was not my ex fiance...the problem was me. I have spent so long trying to run away from my problems, and find excuses as to why this and that happened, finding other people to blame...but i was wrong. In fact, I couldnt have been more wrong. I was even going to leave this place because as you can read in the chat txt, it had 'bad energy'...thats BS, and i know it. The reason she said it would probably be 'a good idea' for me to leave here, is so when i did, i would only find out that it was not any of the above. IT WAS ME!!! This place is beautiful, it has wonderful energy and Its a place I would love to stay at, we were going to make it our home. I was the problem, all along. I cant believe i was so blind as to not see it before. Man, i feel like im breaking barriers in myself here. I just wanted to tell you guys. I stopped trying to distarct myself from thinking about her and what happened, and it all just came to me. I no longer feel fake happy, i do actually feel happy within myself now after realising this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soul Bear Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 I also noticed, that after I did not accept the REAL responsability for my actions, and said i was 'moving away' (further blaming everything and everyone but myself), after that she said she was 'not here to tell me she had changed her mind'. maybe im over reading the situation, but i have a feeling she was testing the waters......see if i would accept that it was me. I wish i had learned this about myself BEFORE i spoke to her that night online..... Link to post Share on other sites
likeORIGAMI Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Soul Bear, I just read your experience and can tell that you're really grown. Congrats. I'll refrain from giving my perspective on the situation, given that you don't need it anymore. Live well, and continue being a student of life. Link to post Share on other sites
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