You CAN get over the dumper in a minute!

[RecordProducer]

The minute being just figurative... meaning short time. Isn't that what we all want? A magic pill - a pain killer?

Screw NC. Screw "give yourself time to heal." Screw "talk about him/her with everyone who's willing to hear your story for the nth time." Screw the self-help books. Screw the "treat yourself with a spa, new shoes, and a chick flick." It doesn't help to go from a full-time, long relationship to sitting alone in your room with a bowl of ice cream or a bottle of vodka, watching movies.

 

Imagine that a dumpee with a seriously broken heart passes the audition for the American Idol - from then on, she or he is completely absorbed by the entire process, experiencing something new, better, and more exciting. And let's say that at the end of the competition, they are offered to be signed by a major record label. Do you think they'd still be missing their ex? Maybe, but they wouldn't have time or enough darkness in their heart to suffer.

 

Broken-hearted dumpees do exactly the opposite: they fall in depression, put their lives on hold, and think and talk about the dumper all the time, which only makes the pain bigger. We all focus on the emotional part instead of the practical, because we don't know how to deal with our emotions. You can't deal with emotions; they are like a tornado - you can't fight it, you need to hide from it. You can't hide a sofa behind a dog, but you can hide the dog behind the sofa. You can't hide from your emotions, but you can hide them behind something bigger. The new thing has to absorb you more than the old thing.

 

It's important to create a new beginning, not to keep digging out the ending thing over and over until you become sick of yourself and suck all the juices out of your soul. It won't help you if you force yourself to "keep busy" by going to the gym, the local bars, or your therapist. You need to start something REALLY BIG, really new, something that will make your blood boil, that will overwhelm you to the point where you say "Dumper who? :confused:"

 

Ask yourself: if I could do anything in the world that would keep me passionate about it, what would it be? If money, children, lack of skills, or whatever factors weren't an obstacle, what would I be doing with thrilling joy? If I were sure I'd do it right, what would I do? If I had courage to jump into a wild life-lasting adventure, what would it be?

 

Once you give your inner passion a title, you can start working on achieving your goals. Because goals are the moving force of our lives. All the ambition, discipline, energy and time we put into any one thing happens because we have goals.

 

Admit it, there's a myriad of exciting things out there - we're just too afraid to embrace them.

[kizik]

I think this is a great post, and I can attest to its truth, as I really relate to it personally.

 

My exgirlfriend and I broke up a year ago. May 4th. I joined LS a week later. Anyway, I started writing songs. I'm a musician, and I've been writing songs since age 12... so I wrote songs about that miserable breakup.

 

Started recording an album.

 

Finished it.

 

It's coming out next week, almost exactly a year to the date post-breakup.

 

So yeah, pour yourself into a project. It'll save your f*cking life.

[RecordProducer]

Kizik, thanks. I am happy for you. I am also a songwriter and have recording equipment at home. The fear of failure kept preventing me from working on my music. I got into law school. I will attend law school starting this August, but I decided that during the three months I have, I will finish my album and do whatever it takes to open certain doors and promote my music. It's the doing, not the success that matters to me at this point. Doing, for the rest of my life, not just until August. And law school is a completely different adventure that will also help me focus on something bigger than grieving over a dead relationship.

What genre of music do you write?

[kizik]

It's the doing, not the success that matters to me at this point.

 

Totally. While I'd love to be successful, few people understand that success is not monetary. It means doing your absolute best and creating something amazing, regardless of its financial recoups.

 

What genre of music do you write?

 

RP, it's Dave Matthews-ish stuff. I'll PM you the link.

 

-Josh

[frd150]

Great post RP. For me its not a lost love but the possibility of loosing a job that I was so passionate about.So,what exciting fear will I embrace now...? Much to think about.A timely post for me,thanks.

[PinkRibbon]

I am working on this thought. Something bigger than the ex to totally consume me. I went last night and looked at a house and that has been with me all day...how to buy a house. But I really miss him and maybe that can overshadow him but that can't take his place right now.

[kizik]

S.O.'s often hold us back from things we really love. Now that they're exes, we can use this time as an opportunity to finally pursue our passions.

[Chinook]

If I had courage to jump into a wild life-lasting adventure, what would it be..?

Mine would be children. I had a head injury at Christmas, prior to that I was contemplating single adoption. I will get there, once my Docs clear me medically.

[Intricategirl]

I absolutely agree with this. I've always been very good when things get really scary, and this is no exception. My ex left me for another woman, and two days later, I decided that I was going back to school, heading on to law school afterwards, getting a part-time job, and coming up with a financial plan to make sure I'm set. I've been accepted to school, just landed a FULL-TIME job today, and my financial plan has been in place for weeks. And law school will happen.

 

It's funny as hell. These are exactly the things he wanted me to do when we were together, but it wasn't possible because he always wanted me to do it his way. Now that I don't owe him any sort of explanation, I can do it my way without feeling guilty.

 

So, he got some woman who is so insecure that she can't get her own man and has to steal someone else's. I got a life. I win.

[EmperorR]

I'm finally going to travel, as well volunteer on a missions trip with my church.

[carhill]

Admit it, there's a myriad of exciting things out there - we're just too afraid to embrace them.

 

Yes, I can think of one

[kizik]

I absolutely agree with this. I've always been very good when things get really scary, and this is no exception. My ex left me for another woman, and two days later, I decided that I was going back to school, heading on to law school afterwards, getting a part-time job, and coming up with a financial plan to make sure I'm set. I've been accepted to school, just landed a FULL-TIME job today, and my financial plan has been in place for weeks. And law school will happen.

 

It's funny as hell. These are exactly the things he wanted me to do when we were together, but it wasn't possible because he always wanted me to do it his way. Now that I don't owe him any sort of explanation, I can do it my way without feeling guilty.

 

So, he got some woman who is so insecure that she can't get her own man and has to steal someone else's. I got a life. I win.

 

I love your post, Intricate. I too changed my life literally days after my breakup; and like your ex, my ex always wanted me to do the things which I am ironically now doing - but like you say, I'm doing them MY WAY.

 

And like you, I'm the f*cking winner. I grew as a person, and I'm still growing, and that mean, immature little girl is still sucking the blood (and cum) from men around town.

[Peter_pan]

my ex wanted me to stay at uni, i left, i moved country, i joined a gym and got ripped. made new friends, went on snowboard trips, now landed a full time job in a global engineering company.

 

although the option for uni to study architecture is on a plate... not sure what to do. stay in this job and progress or study in sept

[Intricategirl]

I love your post, Intricate. I too changed my life literally days after my breakup; and like your ex, my ex always wanted me to do the things which I am ironically now doing - but like you say, I'm doing them MY WAY.

 

And like you, I'm the f*cking winner. I grew as a person, and I'm still growing, and that mean, immature little girl is still sucking the blood (and cum) from men around town.

 

It is ironic! I TOLD him the whole time we were married that figuring $150 for childcare was a joke, and it was going to be at least double that. I told him that I'd love to get a part time job that I could enjoy, and once the kids were old enough to stay home by themselves, I'd think about full-time. I told him that I've got a lousy resume and that I'm not going to find a good paying full-time job. I told him that I need to do school first, instead of trying to get hired on at a place that does tuition reimbursement.

 

And I'm not psychic. I'm just aware. lol When I told him I planned on finishing my English degree then heading to law school, he told me, "That would be really ironic." No doubt. But if I did it his way, I'd have to be a lawyer in a firm before I could go to law school. People would be lining up to watch my children for less than minimum wage. And employers would think that my job history is magnificent, despite being out of the work force for over 8 years, and never holding a job more than one year. In fact, they'd be so impressed with me that I should be able to bring home around $2500 a month! lol

 

You want to know the real kicker?? He told me that he felt used- in part because I wouldn't go out and work for 40 hours to bring home $10. But he gave me enough in alimony that I don't even have to work. I can sit at home on my butt eating bon-bons and watching Oprah for at least the next 7 years. The fact that I chose not to, and that I did it my way is proof that I'm doing this for myself.

[vessv6l]

I moved state, began training in helicopters. First lesson yesterday, ****ing great! Straight and level, left and right turns. Trainer did an power off autorotation. Tried to hover as well, need some more practice to get the subtlety of the controls. Doing this fulltime for 14 weeks. Ex girlfriend.... what ex girlfriend??

[Montclair0011]

RP - you sound so much better than last week!

 

Your post is so true, if only we can manage to live like that. I've been sucked into a wind tunnel of activity trying to get a new job in a new field. If it works out it will be so exciting. For once I'm thinking as much or more about my career as my love life.

 

I've also been dragging my sorry butt back to the gym. It's painful to look at that big mirror, but the effect of exercise if better than when I was on anti-depressants. I'm already feeling like I'm sitting up straighter and have more energy.

 

This is a big change. I'm still heartbroken (not ready to give that up yet) but some days I can kinda sorta maybe see that things might possible work out OK. Hope I did not jinx my chances by saying that.

[now_what]

I really like this post too. I have been trying to think of something "new" to do with my life since the breakup of my 30 year marriage, but can't quite figure out what. I had thought of going back to school for Master's degree or studying for the CPA exam - but those seem kind of droll.

 

I have lots of outside interests, but am not sure how I could incorporate these into something BIG. These include animals - especially dogs, travel - favorite place is the Outer Banks, sewing - costumes for Anime conventions, writing - trying my hand at fiction. Turning these ideas over in my head, I am waiting for inspiration to strike. Probably the interest that might pan out is the sewing. My daughters and my son-in-law are all good at sewing and creating props and armor. I have been trying to see if we could turn these interests into some type of cosplay business. Perhaps sell things through and ebay store? I'll keep thinking - my ex thought that cosplay and conventions were dumb and for nerds - whatever, we all enjoy it.

[Aerorobyn]

Excellent post.

 

I can think of one thing at the moment that would make my life miraculous, in comparison to losing my ex: Getting my own place!!! However, I need to find a job first, which is my goal as of right now.

 

Actually, I also used to write songs when I was younger. I quit doing that during my senior year of high school. I think now is a good time to start that up again.

[wierdmunky]

Like this post I'm in complete need of it too.

[Bleeve]

Great Post.

For me it has been Gym, Gym, Gym.

I am getting in the best shape of my life at almost 37 and feeling great.

And there is definately increased attention from females because of it.

Didn't know what I was missing and am looking forward to meeting a honest, caring sweet lady in the future.

 

Ex, what ex?

[PinkRibbon]

Ok I had to post I go the approval on the home loan. So tomorrow night I meet the realtor and we work on the papers to make the offer!!! Woohoo!!!! I am so excited!! Cross your fingers...pray...do what ever it is you do. This is so cool!!

 

But it is about a mile or a mile and a half as the crow flies by loser man. But heck I am not telling!!

 

Now I will have a shed to put all my stuff in from his garage!

[RecordProducer]

Wow, great replies guys. I expected a lot of "Yeah, but.." However, we all seem to be passionate about something and determined to pursue our dreams. I've been working on my music lately and during those moments, I am totally consumed by producing my songs even when it's hard and boring work. I also decided to be optimistic about everything and have faith in myself and in others.

 

Everyone, good luck with your endeavors. PR, congrats!

[Cora]

I never realized it until now. Right after the break up I thought it was impossible to be happy again. I met my ex at a very depressing time in my life. I had just lost my job. Yeah, he may have helped me through that time but I realize that I have never really moved forward since then. We had made all of these plans. Since the relationship was a LDR I was eventually going to get a job where he lives and move up there. All of my hopes and dreams became his hopes and dreams and were no longer my own. Everything revolved around him. I did everything I could so that I could eventually move up there to be with him. I put my life on hold to do so. I didn't care at the time because I was so madly in love with him.

 

Everything that got put off I'm throwing myself into now. I'm going back to school, I've started my excercise routine again, I'm making new friends and I'm just going out and enjoying life like I did before I ever met him. I had a life before him and I still have a life after him. I'm sick of being depressed over someone who couldn't give a **** about me. He is living his life happily now...newly engaged, new job etc.. It's time for me to start my new life because he is no longer apart of it. I'm sure I will never forget him, I just wont think of him as much. Maybe someday, when I have fully moved on, possibly happy with someone else, all he will be is a distant memory. I'm looking forward to that day. For now I'm doing better.

[Nikki Sahagin]

If we are talking massive passions I would love to finish my degree, go travelling, get a masters and PhD (maybe in a foreign uni) and end up with a career in journalism or writing novels with my interest being in music and art on the side. Maybe learn to paint and play the violin. Volunteer for animals, buy a kitten! Its so true that the lover absorbs all your passion. I am a highly passionate individual and all of my passion goes towards him. I lose a little of that spark that I retain for myself because I am being drained, exhausted, depleted. I think it takes a lot to fill the void love leaves but it is possible. Its just finding something as you said, so overwhelming, so crazy, so magnificent, so intense, so sublime, that you see that person as what they are; just a person. The world and what we can achieve in it is immense, people are just people. They only become more when we love them. But if they hurt us, the love must end.

[iwillbebettersoon]

I had to leave the country to get over my last ex. My trip was only supposed to be for 3 months and I ended up staying for a year. It really worked for me, being in a new place where nothing is familiar.

 

I'm with someone else now but after over 2 years in the relationship, she wants to break up. I dont know how I can afford to leave the country again. I dont know any other 'huge' change I can possibly do to get over this one.