You CAN get over the dumper in a minute!

[RecordProducer]

If we are talking massive passions I would love to finish my degree, go travelling, get a masters and PhD (maybe in a foreign uni) and end up with a career in journalism or writing novels with my interest being in music and art on the side. Maybe learn to paint and play the violin. Volunteer for animals, buy a kitten! Its so true that the lover absorbs all your passion. I am a highly passionate individual and all of my passion goes towards him. I lose a little of that spark that I retain for myself because I am being drained, exhausted, depleted. I think it takes a lot to fill the void love leaves but it is possible. Its just finding something as you said, so overwhelming, so crazy, so magnificent, so intense, so sublime, that you see that person as what they are; just a person. The world and what we can achieve in it is immense, people are just people. They only become more when we love them. But if they hurt us, the love must end.

Fantastic post, Nikki!

 

I dont know how I can afford to leave the country again. I dont know any other 'huge' change I can possibly do to get over this one.

Just because you don't know what you could do doesn't mean there is nothing you can do. Think about it.

[Biggie25x]

Way to go RP what a great topic. There are a bunch of great replies in here as well.

 

I haven't posted in a while because it's just been crazy around me. I haven't given myself time to really dwell on my divorce. It still hits me at times and I still find my self crying ( I talked to a friend who is also going through a divorce and he said the same thing to me-you know as a guy we have maybe cried 24 times in our lives and 20 of them have been in the past couple weeks/months since our divorce) but I am starting to see the glimmer of something at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure what that is yet but I am working on it.

 

The advice here is right on. I can attest to that because I am living it as we speak. It helps to stay busy. Find family, friends or hobbies to do that you haven't in a while. If you're short of cash you can always find the local walking trails.

 

When you find yourself dwelling on the pain of the loss, kick yourself in the ass and get active. Do SOMETHING and you will soon find yourself thinking about that and not your split. No contact is key too. Don't let your self go there. Everything that needs to be said has been said. It was their choice to end it. They know how you feel. It's kinda like the song lyrics "If you loved me you'd be right here beside me, if you love me you'd find me." Nothing you say now will change their mind they need to do that themselves. You need to worry about your feelings and talking to them will bring you back to that deep dark hole you're trying to climb out of.

 

It does get better. And Aero I know how you feel. For the first time in 12 years I'm living back at home trying to find a place and a permanent job. That seems to be almost harder than the divorce to me. I know and tell myself that it will eventually work itself out. It's tough but as my dad says it's the fire I need to go through to get to the other side. With time you will grow from it.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I was the one that called a halt to the madness, but it makes no difference.

 

All that I know right now is I have been through the worst of the it. I think.

 

I'm grateful.

 

I drifted along for a while before this life-altering event came along and like a slow-motion car crash, [it felt like it] shattered everything.

 

As far as I am concerned, it f*cking needed shattering.

 

I needed to know how to keep still.

I needed to learn restraint, self-discipline. The power of inhibition.

I needed to know my worth, what I would/would not tolerate, and WHY.

 

Turns out, the only way I'd find out is by touching the hot stove again, and again. And again. Until finally the pain was too much for even the masochist I (apparently) was, could bear. Someone had to stop it. I had to stop...

 

I'm a wee bit stubborn.

 

I'm grateful for breathing now.

I'm grateful I feel my feet on the ground now.

I'm grateful, because I will not waste any more time.

 

I wasn't before. I took it all for granted.

 

Scars are beautiful.

They show you that you heal.

They show you that you've lived.

 

This might just be a *convenient* way for me to think about it, but for now I'll take it.

 

 

I'd rather walk a thousand miles barefoot on the good green real Earth than delude myself into thinking I can get anywhere at all counting on nothing more solid than hope and fear, thinking it would get me anywhere.

 

The dream is over. So is the wish, the fear, and the dream it would be different. I opened my eyes, and thank whatever for that.

 

There's a million possibilities out there if one just cares to look.

 

You have to straighen up your neck and turn away from that which would hurt you to see them. You can't do that when you are entangled, blind, in pain.

 

 

Thanks for the great thread, RP. *hugs*

 

 

.

[twicebitten]

... AND SO TRUE!!!

 

For me, after my 15 year marriage ended I threw myself into my writing & the SAME month my divorce went through I also SOLD a manuscript!!!

 

It's TRUE & it WORKS!!

 

XO - TB -

[SummerLady]

Wow, great replies guys. I expected a lot of "Yeah, but.." However, we all seem to be passionate about something and determined to pursue our dreams. I've been working on my music lately and during those moments, I am totally consumed by producing my songs even when it's hard and boring work. I also decided to be optimistic about everything and have faith in myself and in others.

 

Everyone, good luck with your endeavors. PR, congrats!

 

This is such a great post. Its true you have to replace with something else and something grand! It can be done. The one thing that I learned from all of this is; why would I allow myself to suffer over something I could not control. I cannot control what someone else does or feel, only what I do or feel. Take back the control and make it happen...

[kizik]

I needed to know my worth, what I would/would not tolerate, and WHY.

 

I will not waste any more time.

 

Scars are beautiful.

They show you that you heal.

They show you that you've lived.

 

 

The dream is over. So is the wish, the fear, and the dream it would be different. I opened my eyes, and thank whatever for that.

 

I love these quotes. Great insights there, BIMH.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Thank you, Kizik - so kind, I appreciate that.

 

[Nuala83]

Inspiring thread!

 

Sooo much truth in what you say. I do think it's a bit hard to just snap out of your pain especially when it's just happened. most people need to go through a period of grieving and falling apart...but then it should be a case of I'M BACK BABY!

 

Man I need to reach that stage. Must get back into painting. Hmmmm.

[Butterfly01]

I love this post!

 

It took me a long time to realize everything you said is so very true! I put my life on hold for him -- to always make myself available to help with his problems.

 

Well, in the last month I've realized that I'm alone now -- he's not coming back -- and that I wanted my life back! So I reconnected with old friends and am going out every weekend again -- I'm back at the gym and am in the greatest shape of my life -- I attacked my work with more passion and was promoted 2 weeks ago. And most importantly, I am at peace. Yes, I still love him and miss him, but thoughts of him no longer consume every waking moment -- I'm too busy now and I love it.

[wowIlose]

This post is the truth.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you all for your replies, they're really great.

 

I think we, as people inclined to philosophizing, come here, release our enlightenment, and then crawl back to our dark holes.

 

How to get over is actually a poitnless topic, because no matter what you do, you'll eventually get over, but not immediately, unless you meet your soul mate or win the American Idol.

 

What I am interested in right now is if there's really a magical way to NOT feel pain. I would never ask this question had I not experienced it for a while. Namely, exactly two weeks after our separation, after feeling horribly, I suddenly started feeling great. I was happier than ever before. I didn't need anyone or anything more than I had. There was nothing in particular that made me feel great. I did stop drinking, but that was not the reason as I had periods of not drinking after that and the feeling didn't return. Anyway, this magic only lasted for a few weeks and then I experienced a variety of moods, including deep depression.

 

What caused this? I remember feeling relieved about not having to struggle with my marriage problems anymore, but other than that, I can't say that anything was different from today. I am thinking that maybe it was a chemical (possibly hormonal) thing. Hormones can affect moods, but moods and external factors can also affect the hormone production. I would love to go back to that place, but I don't know how. I am not drinking now and I feel much better, but I am not feeling happy. I do consider myself happy, but I am not feeling good.

 

The only possible reason that crossed my mind is that my body was releasing one of the feel-good hormones (endorphin, serotonin, progesterone...) Perhaps the two horrific weeks turned my system upside down, and my body responded with a natural cure. This is similar to the situation when you're in big physical pain, and once it stops, you feel fantastic for a while (e.g. after feeling abdominal pain for hours, you may feel euphoric for a little while immediately after it stops).

 

But if we could stimulate our bodies to produce these hormones, wouldn't it be a natural pain killer? Any thoughts or knowledge about this subject?

[sedgwick]

I've done all those things. Since he left, I've realized a couple of my lifelong dreams. I bellydance all the time and I just got published in a really prestigious anthology. I started work on my first film, which I've wanted to make for over a decade now, and I just got a grant to make it. But I still miss him every minute of every day, and it's been two years. Sorry to be the downer, but sometimes it just doesn't help.

[RecordProducer]

I've done all those things. Since he left, I've realized a couple of my lifelong dreams. I bellydance all the time and I just got published in a really prestigious anthology. I started work on my first film, which I've wanted to make for over a decade now, and I just got a grant to make it. But I still miss him every minute of every day, and it's been two years. Sorry to be the downer, but sometimes it just doesn't help.

Oh, Sedge, I am so sorry to hear that. But congratulations on your multiple success!

 

I don't really miss my husband, since I see him every day and too much for my own taste. He's been very hostile in the past couple months and I think it's because he misses ME and doesn't like it. There are details that support my hunch. He's actually doing me a favor by being mean to me, because it's hard to long for something that stings. What hurts me is the loneliness because I am alone in this country. I do meet new people, but they are new; it takes time to get close to people. The real joy comes from true friendship, knowing that someone accepts you the way you are, knows everything about you, and cares about your happiness. I can't really find joy in getting to know people, especially since most of the time, I end up disappointed.

 

My husband could've been my good friend, but he wants to be in bad terms with me. When I tried to be friendly, he ignored me every time. He invites other people to lunch or dinner and tells me I am not invited, even if I am around. Even when he had surgery and I stayed at his house to take care of him (no big deal, I was just there in case he needed help), he insulted me all the time. Apparently, he is still in love with me if he feels so angry. I don't even know why he's so angry; he wanted me out of his house - I moved out. He wanted to remain in my kids' lives and he did. He's creating drama all the time. He has his whole family, friends and money here, he dumped me - shouldn't HE be the one on the better end?

 

In fact, I know he regrets losing me and I know he will suffer for it forever. I didn't have this feeling about my first husband, but I do about this one. I didn't get love from him so I will easily move on with time, but he had it all with me - and deep down, he knows that the bad episodes were his fault. My first husband told me that after me, he ccouldn't be with just anyone, and he'll never find a woman as good as me, because he thinks he's not as good. He's very open and we're good friends.

 

The same thing will happen with my current husband: he had a loving, passionate, honest, caring wife who loved him to bits, who made him laugh, who challeneged him, entertained him, and made love like there's no tomorrow... he'll never find that with anyone else. Not because no one else is like me or better, but because HE will never find it. God gave me the strength to give him many, many chances to work on our marriage. He blew them all - is not the corrrect thing to say; he rejected all chances. Life doesn't give you a new chance when you rejected them all. He's miserable and angry. And we're miserable and angry when we feel smaller than a grain of sand. Powerless and abandoned. He's the dumper but acting like a dumpee.

 

My point with this whole post: there's more to breakups than who dumped whom, how much we loved them or they loved us, and how long it will take to get over them. It's all about what remains of you after the breakup.