Heartbroken - thinking to leave unfaithful fiance

[Losingfaith]

I've been with this man for almost 8 years and we are engaged to be married later this year. I recently found out that he was looking for "casual relationships" on different websites during 2 years period right before he proposed to me. For a couple of years our sex life had gone from great to minimum. His execuse was age and illness. I was struggling for long time trying to understand the situation - thinking he is no longer attracted to me but I tried to be supportive and understanding. However, my intuition told me that there was another world that I could not see and he got his needs taken care of somehow. I never had any evidence to prove it besides knowing he was looking for outside relationships, having phone calls, emails. I know if I confront him, he would deny it. I don't think I should get into this marriage knowing the trust has been broken. Being faithful to each other is very important in the marriage. I don't think I have the strength to deal with this continuously in the future. I will lose respect for him eventually. I'm seriously thinking leaving him but I am devasted and heartbroken. Should I give us a second chance or should I give up? Any comments/advice will be appreciated. Thanks.

[sotired]

Just be thankful you haven't married him yet! Get out now while you can...There are plenty of men that won't cheat on you out there...Why stay with one that's already let you down?

[thelostsoul89]

Have you asked him about it? Tell him you found his little websites if he denys it then I would leave, no point in getting hurt worse. Maybe if he fesses up you two can work through it.

[TaraMaiden]

"marriage" is just a ritual with a bit of paper at the end, lots of food and drinking and plenty of money spent on a single day..... and it is a terrible job to undo it...

 

You are already 'married', and have been for eight years or so....Some 'real' marriages do not last that long!

 

he is getting restless, and being covert.

 

He has grown tired and bored and is looking at other ways to generate physical interest for himself.

But he should be doing this with you.... not elsewhere.

This is cheating, absolutely, I think....

 

If he will not take ownership of his responsibilities and commitment to you, then you have every right to cut ties.

 

_/l\_

[Dexter Morgan]

Losingfaith,

As a man that ended up marrying a "woman" that cheated when we were engaged, and didn't find out about it til 8 years into the marriage, I can say with all seriousness....DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

 

If he is looking to cheat, and more than likely cheated already, it will only get worse as the monotony of marriage/family life set in for him.

 

you aren't even married yet and he is looking for sex with other women.

 

Once I found out my xW cheated during the engagement, I found out that she also cheated during marriage.

 

Your man will NOT change. On the contrary, it will only get worse.

 

Break off the engagement.....dump this loser.

[Losingfaith]

Sorry I was having problems with the internet and couldn't reply sooner. Thanks for all the comments/advice. I really need it.

I've had a couple of sleepless nights and have lost a lot of weight. I saw my fiance every night this week. I could not bring myself to talk about it. He was as usual and didn't act any different. Still talking about the future together, which made me really sad. It would be a shame that our relationship of 8 years will end like this. My brain is telling me to leave but my heart is pulling me back. Sometimes I thought if it was one time (period) before he proposed, would I be able to forgive him? Strangely, I am not really angry but very very sad. Disappointed. I'm losing faith in men. I've heard so many stories from friends, from TV that men cheat and even nice men can not even resist the temptation. Sorry for generalizing but that is how I feel now. Can't chase away the sadness. Any encouraging story on forever love in real life?

[TaraMaiden]

I understand fully that you have a heart urging you to stay, and that your head is telling you to go.

Answer me this.

How many people who have come to great sadness in a relationship say they are head-broken?

none.

How many say they are heart-broken?

Too many.

Because they think with the heart, not the head.

I know this is extremely disappointing and hurtful to you, but if you leave now, at least the break will only be minor.

If you wait and go ahead with plans - i dread to think what an enormous repair will be needed before you might let yourself love another time....

You must stop this.

before the problem becomes disastrous.

Just go.

 

Can you call your parents and let them know?

I feel sure they will help, if you can....

[Losingfaith]

good morning. Woke up around 5:30am and could not go back to sleep.

I'm 40+ yrs old and want to spare my aged parents from seeing me suffer.

My fiance is 22 years older than me and he had open heart surgery before we met. That didn't seem to affect our sex life at all for the first 3-4 years. Around the time he got on the website, that was the time our sex life had changed, maybe a little earlier. He was always tired, or stressed out. He said it was because the pills he took. I tried to be understanding. In the past year, the frequency is reduced to 2+/- times a month and I had to "beg" for it. I felt that I'd become a charity case. Sometimes, I feel so frustrated, even resentful because he does all the other stuff without a problem (doing other stress creating things, workout, staying up late, traveling with his business partners) but he seems exhausted when he is with me.He said his health was deteriorating which caused him lose interest in sex. I tried to believe, to understand but it gets harder and harder....If I know for sure this is due to illness and he is faithful, I would still marry him and we can find alternatives/solution for the problem.

I don't have personal experience with senior sex life. I am wondering maybe at his age he needs to prove something to himself? Maybe it is a common problems. Any insight?

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm losing faith in men. I've heard so many stories from friends, from TV that men cheat and even nice men can not even resist the temptation. Sorry for generalizing but that is how I feel now. Can't chase away the sadness. Any encouraging story on forever love in real life?

 

well i have yet to really meet a trustworthy woman. Not many have been. But if I let that sour me on all women, what a lonely world it would be.

[Losingfaith]

I guess I was wrong about forever love. I just found out that my fiance recently hooked up again with his first love who is married I believe and exchanged emails. Apparently they are still deeply in love. Although they agree to keep the distance, they are connected emotionally. My fiance sent her flowers on her birthday. In the last email (last week) my fiance sent a song to her "In my life" of Beatles -

"Though i know i'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know i'll often stop and think about them

In my life i [COLOR=blue]love you[/COLOR][COLOR=#474747] more"[/COLOR]

Strangely, I am not upset. It must be awful missing someone you love and can't be with her. It is not something you can't easily control. Maybe that is why he is in constant search in new love hoping to find that feeling again.

I don't think he meant to hurt me. I feel sad and self pitty for myself. Do I want to be with a man who constantly have someone else on his mind, especially somebody that he has been idolized for 40 years? Everytime he is absentminded, I would imagine that he is thinking about her again. Do I have the courage to deal with that? Do I deserve a life like that, living in the shadow of his past? He tells me he loves me everyday. I think I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

Please help.

[sotired]

Why do you care if you hurt him? He isn't thinking about your feelings. His age is no excuse. If you stay he is going to continue to cheat....Why would anyone want a man that you have to beg for sex yet trolls dating sites and hooks up with his ex???

 

Come on now, you know the answer.

[huck]

I'm losing faith in men. I've heard so many stories from friends, from TV that men cheat and even nice men can not even resist the temptation

 

Hi losing faith.. Your quote above may be true - but there are guys out there ( me included ) that wouldnt even consider cheating/flirting whilist in relationship. Im 30 and have never been cheated on before (that i know of) until my recent relationship. There are nice guys out there who know how to treat/love/respect their ladies properly.. Go find one !!!!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm afraid I agree with sotired.

This person has absolutely no consideration for how hurt you are feeling because of his actions.

it is not even that he does not realise that you know, perhaps. The point is, this is not something he should even be doing in the first place, at all....

So no question that he is being heartless and inconsiderate.

So yes, if you think you can tolerate this behaviour, this covert secrecy, this partial love (if you can even call it that), this emotional infidelity and selfish detachment - then feel free to go ahead with your marriage.

But if you do, I think that first of all, you will regret it for the rest of your life, and secondly - this will certainly not be the last time we hear from you, i think.

 

_/l\_

[Losingfaith]

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really need it.

Every time I think about leaving him, tears come to my eyes. I will miss him so much. I will worry about his health and how he is doing... I am crying again. I know the end is near but I just can't do it.

I wish I could be an ostrich - sticking my head in the sand and pretend I didn't know anything... It just hurts too much.

I don't know how to endure the sleepless nights to come - missing him will be unbearable. Am I punishing him for thinking about his past? We all have past (especially at his age). I can't demand anybody to erase their past, the great memories of their life. Should I be more tolerant if I really love him?

Am I punishing myself by leaving the love of my life? This one-sided love can be very painful. I don't think I am that strong. Help me!!!

[TaraMaiden]

This is not love, it is dependency, I believe.

It's like going cold turkey on a drug programme, withdrawal symptoms... fear, uncertainty, desire for a fix.

 

it's ugly.

 

If you do not get by now that this is toxic, poisonous, damaging, soul-destroying and lethal, then there is nothing we can do or say to make this happen for you.

you have to do this for yourself, but you must be determined.

 

_/l\_

[amaysngrace]

I guess I was wrong about forever love. I just found out that my fiance recently hooked up again with his first love who is married I believe and exchanged emails. Apparently they are still deeply in love. Although they agree to keep the distance, they are connected emotionally. My fiance sent her flowers on her birthday. In the last email (last week) my fiance sent a song to her "In my life" of Beatles -

 

So you found out by snooping instead of asking him directly? You have been with this man for eight years and you can't commuicate with him openly?

 

Even if he hasn't cheated why marry someone you can't communicate your feelings to?

[Losingfaith]

Thanks for your comments.

I tried to communicate with him many times (not recently) but he said that I was insecured, had trust issues. He said that he had never been unfaithful to me. I took his word for it. That was a few years ago. I don't know whether that statement is still valid.

I had to invalidate my feelings, my instinct. I also read about dependency. Some books help at the time. I was very happy after we got engaged. He seemed to be very happy too. But there were times when things just didn't make sense. I was trying to prove me wrong but I guess my gut feeling was right.

How do I communicate with him at this point? He would deny it if I ask him vaguely. I think it is time for me to give up the fight.

[amaysngrace]

There may be a whole other reason why he went on there and if I am thinking right he'd never admit it. Maybe he put himself out there and saw how limited his options were? And then asked you to marry him?

 

I did something like that...sort of. Before I left my husband I went on one just to see how many available men there were. There were enough to get past the thinking that I'd never meet anyone else again being a single mom and all.

 

Maybe he did it for the same reasons I did it...but reverse?

 

You did say he's a lot older than you. And he did it before he proposed. Maybe he just needed to go there for the reassurance before making a big decision?

[Losingfaith]

I was hoping that is the reason. He did it after he proposed also to multiple sites. What saddens me the most is that he can't forget his first love and they promise each other to be together when they turn 80. I don't blame him for feeling what he feels. Nobody has the rights to tell anybody how to feel. He feels how he feels. Especially when people get older, they tend to reminisce and relive their best moments when they were young. It makes me sad but I understand.

At the same time, I am a woman and have my feelings too. I feel like a second choice. This would be my second marriage. At my age (40+), I don't want to do it again unless it is for true love. I love him and I would never send "In my life" to my first love telling him "I love him more".

If he gives his heart to someone else, I don't want to be someone he settles for.

I can't erase the lyrics from my mind. "But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more"

 

It burns my heart.

[Losingfaith]

Hello again. I've been quiet for a while. I did a lot of soul searching, self reflection. It seems to me that in the past I ran away from relationships when there were problems instead of trying to make it work. I really love this man. I want to be strong, to make it work and even to take a leap of faith - getting married. I asked him that we sit down to talk about the issues including the wedding but it has not happened - he was out of town or busy with his work... He still tells me he loves me but sometime he is very quiet. I told myself to trust him and take his word for it. I was at his house this weekend helping him with some work. We were in the same room and I noticed a bag full of pictures. Honestly, I didn't touch it but I could see that on the top it was a picture of him and her hugging each other. My heart sank.

I want to be brave, to love the man without expecting anything in return but it is not easy. As the "date" is approaching, what should I do? Should I keep asking him to sit down to talk about the "issues"? Should I give up what we had for more than 7 years?

[TaraMaiden]

This will never work.

Please, desperate as I know you must feel, with the desire to have things go well, and to make things right - it will never work.

Because he is quite simply not as dedicated to your relationship as you are.

No matter how hard YOU will try to make it good - it will never work.

 

The most vital thing you need to retrieve from this is your dignity and self-worth. Everything else is replaceable.

 

Especially Him.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Ugh...LF, I want to grab you by the shoulders and just shake you. WAKE UP. You will never get what you deserve from this man. Love. Respect. Honor. Integrity. And again, LOVE. He does not love you. A man that can do what he is doing does NOT love. All he is thinking about is himself. WHY do you think he is being quiet and avoiding you (busy with this, busy with that)? He KNOWS the time to marry you is quickly approaching and is trying denial. If you would like to be twice divorced, then by all means, PROCEED.

 

The reason I am so frustrated is because I WAS YOU. My XH was 15 years older than me and a serial cheater. He was a sex and love addict. He sought it out wherever he could to make HIMSELF feel good. It didn't matter how it made ME feel, or how it affected the relationship. He had countless cyber-sex encounters with women. He went on a few dates while we were married. He had an ongoing phone sex relationship with one of our co-workers that he tried to turn physical. Each time I found out, it broke my heart. But I LOVED HIM, and I thought that was all that mattered. I thought if I loved him enough, he would come back to me, he would stop what he was doing, I would one day be good enough for him.

 

That's just simply not the way it works. I FINALLY found my dignity and filed for divorce. But I want to tell you - the day I filed for divorce from him, I was still in love with him. And I felt like I was tearing my own heart in two. But it was what HAD to be done so that I could find myself.

 

I think Tara made an excellent comparison - your love with your fiance is a drug. You will NOT get over this until you get away from the drug. No matter how it hurts you, no matter how it destroys your life, you will continue to use said drug.

 

Do you really want to be in your late 40's, early 50's with your second divorce under your belt? Get out now while you still have some spirit left in you. Do not let this man break you. There is a great big world out there.

 

After being cheated on, I was positive that men could not stay faithful, period. Views of some on LS didn't help my belief, either. But I now have a WONDERFUL BF. I had no idea what it could feel like to be in relationship with a man that respects me and respects our relationship. You deserve to have that. You deserve to be respected.

 

Don't think of it as throwing away the past 8 years. Think of it as NOT throwing away the NEXT 8 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE.

[Losingfaith]

Thank you again for taking time to respond and for sharing your experience and your advice. I totally agree with what you said but I can't muster up the courage to do anything. Here are the things I'm really struggling with:

• I don't have any evidence that proves that he "cheated" on me, besides knowing he was searching the websites. Maybe he was just looking. Maybe it is just in my mind? Maybe I am just crazy?
  
• Is it wrong to think about his past, especially at his age? Isn't it common people think "the older I get, the better I was..."I would not try to connect with my first love. Does it mean he should not either? Maybe we are just different?
  
• He is always nice to me. When it comes to love, what is more important, dignity or forgiveness?
  

I am so confused. One moment I want to leave. The next I want to stay. I wish I could have a heart to heart talk with him, to find out the truth. How do I bring this up?

[love2dance]

Well it sounds like he is having an emotional affair with his ex, which can be just as detrimental to a relationship as a physical affair.

You don't have to catch him with his pants down to prove that he doesn't respect your relationship-even just searching a dating website is really disrespectful of you are in a commited relationship.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Justify, justify, justify. You are a major enabler. He has found the perfect mate in you.

 

No, it's not normal to constantly be so unhappy about the present that you think how much better the past was. My mom just turned 60 last year. She's been married and divorced a few times and is now single. She doesn't have somebody right there in her life loving her and committing to marry her. And yet, she STILL does not dwell on how much better the past was. Ridiculous. She is content with who she is and happy with her life. As you get older, you should become MORE content with yourself unless you've made such poor choices that your life sucks. Do you really want to be with a man that thinks his life sucks so bad with his fiancee that he needs to keep up contact with a past love? Why are you not enough? And why is that okay with you?

 

He doesn't love you. So in the case of your question, dignity or forgiveness? You're not talking about forgiveness - it's more on the level of telling somebody that their ****-poor behavior is okay with you. Before you can completely give yourself to another person in a relationship, you have to love yourself first. And you are not loving yourself to let him treat you like this. Besides...there's a difference between forgiving and enabling.