In love with friend

[Q-Tip]

Hi

 

I am going through a bit of a tricky situation and I needed some advice on what to do about it, so heres my story.

 

I am 28 years old, and I am going through a phase in life where im changing careers , and therefore this has required me to start studying again. I joined a class , in preperation for an exam, a couple of months back. When I started going for the class, I noticed a pretty girl , 19 year old, who was also following the same class. Initially I liked her because I thought she was really cute, but when I tried to approach her, initially she was been very aloof. Thats how she was with all the guys in class. But after a few weeks of me trying to establish a friendship with her, she also started to respond well. She even went out of her way to copy notes for me when I missed classes and all that . We started to call each other frequently and we got pretty close withiin a very short period of time.

 

She had just broken up with her boy friend, and one of her ex's were trying to get back with her . In the middle of all this confusion, i decided to tell her that I like her , and she said that she doesnt feel the same way towards me. At around this time, there was another girl in class who was flirting around with me, and inorder to make myself feel better I ignored the girl i liked, stopped calling her and all that, and started to spend more time with this second girl. But soon I realised she was just a user who was playing games with my mind, and during this period, the girl I really liked started to call me again . All this happened within a space of about two weeks. Then me and her started to get very close again, much closer than the first time. I used to meet her after work all the time, go to her place, and go out in the nights and all that, and she really opened upto me about every thing in her life, and so did I . She knew fully well that I still had feelings for her, therefore I thought that she also had some feelings for me, but didnt want to come out with it just yet , because of every thing that was happening in her life .

 

Then it so happened that her ex boyfriend, who she had just broken up with , decided to call her again, and they sort of rekindled their old flame . But I know this guy quite well, and I know that its more feelings on her part than his. I know for a fact thast I care for her much more than he does, because for one thing, because he treats her like dirt at most times , not bothering to call her even when she is ill and stuff like that . She knows and admits it too, that he doesnt really care for her as much as she does for him.

 

Around this period , I went out with her one day, and he decided to show up. Nothing happened between them, but they were always in each others arms and stuff like that , and needless to say it really got to me, i just left !. the following day , she was calling me so many times, but i didnt answer my phone. then I bumped into her at classes, and she was really upset that I wasnt answering the calls, and she said sorry about what happened the previous night. She was relaly going out of her way to try and make sure that she doesnt lose me as a friend. But at the same time she made it very clear to me that she likes me only as a

friend.

 

Since then we have got even closer, and we even went on a so called DATE for a ball but only as friends. I haventbeen able to get her out of my mind, and when I thought about it i realised a few hard hitting facts. One thing I realised that i could get her out of my mind if I wanted to , but I didnt want to because, I adored her for the kind of person she is , and I considered her , for once, as being some one who I can hang in there for , through thick and thin, and put in that extra effort to make it work between us. The other thing is , I still believe that she also does have certain feelings for me, (well she atleast did at the begining I think ) , but she cant face upto them because of her current situation.

 

So I dont know what to do . I know for sure that I would go to any length to make it work fo rus, because I truly believe that she is the one woman who I wanna be with for ther rest of my life, and that belief gicves me the courage and strength to just stick it out through the tough times. But I am scared that this attitude might lead to me losing her completely, so thats where I need all your advice on what I should do about it.

 

The guy she is with at the moment, is by the way leaving the country soon, and considering that he hardly gives a damn about her when he is here, its very unlikely their relationship stands a chance once he is out of the country.

 

This whole episode has lasted for about 4 months now. Quite a lot to happen in a short time .

 

Thanks in advance. and sorry if this is too long.

[Bird]

To me it sounds like her feelings for you won't develop beyond friendship. Could be the age difference. My advice is to find satisfaction in the friendship you have and don't look any further than that. Sounds like she's tried to make her position pretty clear to you, though you seem to have some diffucluty taking the hint. However, if you push the issue ("I want to be with you as more than friends") you could push her away altoghether. If you can't deal with just being friends then you might want limit you contact with her.

[monkey00]

sounds to me like she's already put you into the "best friends" category. She still got the hots for her bf, but wants your support and attention through thick and thin in whatever she should do.

 

Are you sure you're feeling love? you havent said much about yourself, but i think you just LIKE her for the moment being. And you might be holding onto that feeling mainly because you feel you might have a chance in the near future for the both of you. IMHO , i think you should choose to let go of those feelings for her, and look into someone else. Because right now you feel secure in your friendship and thorugh this, you feel your chances of her liking you is HIGH...compared to another friend or stranger who isn't as close as you guys are.

[Q-Tip]

Hi again

 

My thanks to both Bird and Monkey for replying to my post.

 

There are certain things that I need to highlight , which I hadnt done in my first post. Firstly, whenI started to like her initially, I know that she liked me back the same way I did, because she indirectly said so. What went wrong is that I didnt make any moves after that other than just trying to get close to her emotionally. Physical contact was kept at a minimal, mainly due to me being backward for some unexplainable reason (im not usually like that ) , and gradually I felt like the chemistry was wearing thin, atleast for her.

 

And in reply to what Monkey has said, im 100% sure about my feelings. I have been through a lot , and im mature enough right now to differentate between love and "liking some one". The other thing is , as opposed to me hoping that some thing will happen between us in the near future, Im pretty sure that nothing will happen in the near future. and thats something I have decided I can put up with too, because I believe it would eventually happen.

 

As for developing feelings for some one else, I dont see the relevance because, its not a matter of me wanting SOMEBODY to love, and choosing her as she is a convenient target. Im not saying that I wouldnt. It could happen. But im not gonna go out of my way to make it happen due to this situation , cos these are two unrelated issues.

 

As for the guy who she again started to go out with recently, I know its not going to last. For one thing, I know the guy better than she does, adn I know that he has cheated on her quite a bit , when they were seing each other the last time. She doesnt know this , and if she does she is just gonna dump him so fast , but i cant be the one to tell her that . I dont like using that sort of underhand tactics. Theres a girl ( who is now in autralia, far far away from where i live ) who this guy used to go out wit for a long time. Even now, every time she comes down on hliday , which is about every six months, they are always together. When I said earlier that he was cheating on the girl that I like, what I meant is that he was with this "aussie" girl i mentioned. Tehy have been on and off for about 7 years now. And in January next year , He i going to Melbourne, for threee years. Thats where she stays also. He wants the girl I like, to wait for him for three years here, but I know for a fact thta , he is DEFINETELY going to get back with his other girl, because they are like soulmates, he has ALWAYS been going back to her. I know the guy quite well thruigh mutual friends.

 

Now I cant really point this issue out , because for one thing she will refuse to see things that way, as she is currently blinded by her strong felings for him . And the other thign is , she might think that I am telling her these things out of malice. So Im just gonna stick by her, like I always have done, and ill be there to catch her when she falls. Its not a case of me hoping she falls, its more a case of it being obvious. Otherwise I would have backed off by now.

 

Th main problem I am having in this issue is, no matter how much effort im willing to put into this thing, even though I know its all worth it, I cant muster all that much effort sometimes, and then I feel down. But Im not a quitter ! Im not gonna deprive her of being with some one who will love her more than any one else ever will. I know that given te oppportunity she would too. So what I need is some support and strength as opposed to questioning my feelings for her. Some times you just KNOW. I dont think, I KNOW,that I love her, and its hard to explain what its like to feel like that , unless ou experience it. But Im old enough and experienced enough to diferentiate between Love and Other emotions.

 

Thanks to all of you who sent me replies so far . PLease keep them coming. I need every ounce of strength I can get.

[Bird]

Q-Tip, i feel for you. I really do. And trusy me, buddy, I have definately been there - and back again. There are some women in our lives that we just weren't meant to hook up with in a romantic way - fact of life. I know in your heart you feel that you are deserving of her and she you, and that you'd treat her the way she should be, but at this time she's not looking in your direction. You've already played your cards - she knows where you stand. Maybe in time it will happen, but for now try not to think about it. Trust me on this one. I spent 5 years of my life chasing a woman I loved with all my heart. I realize that what I had was more of an obsession, and it was unhealthy. Ultimately, I drove her away completely - now we aren't even friends, and that's soooo sad because we were so much alike and really connected on so many levels. Don't let this happen to you. I really think you ought to cool it with her for a while - give you some time to get things into perspective. THis **** will drive you crazy. Stop thinking about what a jerk that other guy is and what a sucker she is for being with him. She's made the choice to be with him. Maybe she doesn't know he's a dawg, but in time she'll find out on her own and dump him like smelly trash. Let her find it out on her own. I know it's tough, but in the long run it's far better. And brother, I bet there are other women in your life who want to be with you but you don't notice them much because you're so focused on this girl. You ought to take a real good second look at what else is out there. It is possible to get her off your mind. I know you also probably think all the effort is worth it and that you've got to do everything you can to make it happen, but there are other ways to handle it. What I've described above is an alternate route to take. There's nothing you can do to make her want you. She'll either want you as a lover or as a friend and that decision will be made by her and her alone. At the very least she can be a great friend - and a great friendship is invaluable. And maybe after being great friends her feelings will grow deeper - but not just yet.