Fall in love by chance- Fall out of love by choice.

[Mimolicious]

Hello all!

I used to go by a different nick about a year ago. I was just dropping by to see if old members are still around and what they are up to, and also to share this article.

 

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.

She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bothe r (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage! , you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience.. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You20have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable...you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling .

 

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice"

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Honestly, my first thought on reading this was: how much money does this person make from the seminars, and what else does this person sell?

 

I'm not trying to be a smart-arse. That's my geniune response to things like this - these people have to be making sooo much bank it's unreal.

[Owl]

I'd disagree.

 

We ALWAYS fall in love "by choice".

 

We're very often ATTRACTED to someone by chance.

 

But, we then choose to ACT ON, and FEED that attraction...or not.

 

And that CHOICE determines whether or not we fall in love.

 

If we don't act on the attraction, if we don't feed it, if we don't create opportunities to explore the attraction, to expand on our knowledge of and intimacy with this other person we're attracted to...it just stays as a passing attraction.

 

But if we start feeding it...if we start emotionally investing in it, start seeking out opportunities to act out on that attraction...we give it the chance to grow into love.

 

A CHOICE...not a CHANCE.

[Owl]

What name did you post on LS under before, Mimi?

[Mimolicious]

I'd disagree.

 

We ALWAYS fall in love "by choice".

 

We're very often ATTRACTED to someone by chance.

 

But, we then choose to ACT ON, and FEED that attraction...or not.

 

And that CHOICE determines whether or not we fall in love.

 

If we don't act on the attraction, if we don't feed it, if we don't create opportunities to explore the attraction, to expand on our knowledge of and intimacy with this other person we're attracted to...it just stays as a passing attraction.

 

But if we start feeding it...if we start emotionally investing in it, start seeking out opportunities to act out on that attraction...we give it the chance to grow into love.

 

A CHOICE...not a CHANCE.

 

Does this translate into learning to love the person you found?

[Owl]

Does this translate into learning to love the person you found?

 

Absolutely.

 

Love is ALWAYS a choice...not a chance.

[Meaplus3]

Mimo, I think one can fall in love by chance but that person has to make the choice to stay in love. And that love does take alot of work to nourish. Think of it sort of like a flower that needs sunlight and water to grow and thrive.

 

Mea:)

[NoIDidn't]

Falling in love is a choice, in my book.

 

Staying in love is certainly work, though.

 

But deciding to allow the love/attraction you feel for a person to grow into "falling", is a choice. I did use the word deciding.

 

OPs, since this is in the OP forum, always make a choice to fall for the MP - whether they are aware of them being married or not. But most mention that they allowed it knowing the MP was married.

 

I'm not saying this makes them bad or immoral people. But I am saying that had they decided to not do the things that would have led to feelings of love and falling in love, they would not be in the position that they find themselves in.

[Mimolicious]

Mimo, I think one can fall in love by chance but that person has to make the choice to stay in love. And that love does take alot of work to nourish. Think of it sort of like a flower that needs sunlight and water to grow and thrive.

 

Mea:)

 

I agree.

 

Owl, I agree with you too. Coming across that person that you can have an instant connection with, it's basically by chance- some may call it destiny. What it blooms into could be all by choice. (kinda contradicts the 'destiny' part. LOL!)

[Owl]

I believe that there are many people out there that you could be with.

 

I think that all of us are attracted to far more than one person in our lifetimes.

 

But it's the choice to FEED that attraction that leads to love.

 

Even that person you feel an "instant connection" to...it's not love until you feed it and let it grow up into love. Before you choose to do so...it's just an attraction to someone you've met.

 

Staying in love means continuing to feed that love as well. Otherwise, it'll shrink down into something less than love.

 

It's all a CHOICE.

 

I occasionally meet women that I find very attractive. In my line of work, most of the women I meet are very intelligent, outgoing, and often physically attractive as well, so it's bound to happen that someone "catches my eye" once in a while.

 

The thing is...I NEVER feed it. I deliberately choose to STARVE that attraction instead...ensuring that it never gets a chance to grow into anything more, but instead that attraction dies of starvation. This is how I protect my marriage.

 

But it all starts with awareness of that process and ownership of my own ACTIONS AND CHOICES.

[herenow]

I too believe that our actions are by choice. Some people come to this forum and say that monogamy isn't natural. They site the animal kingdom as proof that we are not meant to be with just one mate.

 

Truth is, we are the only living things on this planet that have free will. As humans we, IMO, should use that free will responsibly. The gift of being able to choose our actions is what makes us unique. Those who say "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it" are an insult to human intelligence.

[Mimolicious]

I too believe that our actions are by choice. Some people come to this forum and say that monogamy isn't natural. They site the animal kingdom as proof that we are not meant to be with just one mate.

 

Truth is, we are the only living things on this planet that have free will. As humans we, IMO, should use that free will responsibly. The gift of being able to choose our actions is what makes us unique. Those who say "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it" are an insult to human intelligence.

 

 

This may be a bit double-standard of me but the "it just happened and there was nothing that I can do about it" scenario may be all cute that I can almost hear the wedding bells when it's 2 single people that fall madly "in love". I dont share the same opionion when people get involved in EA or PA and "fall in love". This can be because of my personal experience but that's the way I feel. HereNow,I also feel like this is an insult to human intelligence.

[Mimolicious]

 

The thing is...I NEVER feed it. I deliberately choose to STARVE that attraction instead...ensuring that it never gets a chance to grow into anything more, but instead that attraction dies of starvation. This is how I protect my marriage.

 

 

 

Same way that if you dont feed your marriage it'll die of starvation. You are giving your marriage the CHANCE of growing into something more than just a depedant by making the CHOICE to do feed it.

[NoIDidn't]

I too believe that our actions are by choice. Some people come to this forum and say that monogamy isn't natural. They site the animal kingdom as proof that we are not meant to be with just one mate.

 

Truth is, we are the only living things on this planet that have free will. As humans we, IMO, should use that free will responsibly. The gift of being able to choose our actions is what makes us unique. Those who say "it just happened and there was nothing I could do about it" are an insult to human intelligence.

 

HereNow,I also feel like this is an insult to human intelligence.

 

Me too. It IS an insult to human intelligence to site that we are only animals and thus slaves to our animal impulses.

 

I've yet to see anything in the animal kingdom build monuments to their egos. And, ego is about the main thing that causes the human animal to venture into where they are not welcome or wanted.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm not sure about falling out of love being a choice. The times it happened to me (and there were many), it seemed to happen in the reverse of falling in love - the spark inexplicably died, and continued to die against my best intentions.

 

The whole falling in/falling out of love thing is driven by a chemical rush and a chemical dissipation in the brain over which we very little, if any control.

 

You can learn to love and bond with a person, but you can't really choose to fall 'in' or 'out' of love. It either happens or it doesn't.

 

Now, that said - we can make choices that might hasten or kill that process.

[MizzBlue72]

Falling in love, to me, is NOT by choice!!!

WHY WHY would many of us here CHOOSE to fall in love with people that are ARLEADY TAKEN!!!!?????

 

Come on -do you think ANY of us really want to have ever been in the OW / OM situation?? I sure as hell did not. And I know I never, EVER want to go through that heartache again. Seriously - it's one of the WORST feelings in the world ....

 

I do understand that you have to try continually and evolve the love that you share - allow it to grow and nurture it or it will die.

[herenow]

Falling in love, to me, is NOT by choice!!!

WHY WHY would many of us here CHOOSE to fall in love with people that are ARLEADY TAKEN!!!!?????

 

Come on -do you think ANY of us really want to have ever been in the OW / OM situation?? I sure as hell did not. And I know I never, EVER want to go through that heartache again. Seriously - it's one of the WORST feelings in the world ....

 

I do understand that you have to try continually and evolve the love that you share - allow it to grow and nurture it or it will die.

 

Are you saying that you have no control of your feelings, actions or how you act on your fellings?

[OWoman]

I'd disagree.

 

We ALWAYS fall in love "by choice".

 

We're very often ATTRACTED to someone by chance.

 

But, we then choose to ACT ON, and FEED that attraction...or not.

 

And that CHOICE determines whether or not we fall in love.

 

If we don't act on the attraction, if we don't feed it, if we don't create opportunities to explore the attraction, to expand on our knowledge of and intimacy with this other person we're attracted to...it just stays as a passing attraction.

 

But if we start feeding it...if we start emotionally investing in it, start seeking out opportunities to act out on that attraction...we give it the chance to grow into love.

 

A CHOICE...not a CHANCE.

 

Owl I'm not sure I agree with you, not from a logical perspective but from experience.

 

With my H, I "acted on the attraction" the same way I'd acted on the attraction with other MMs (and other SGs too, in their time) before. I expanded my knowledge of, and intimacy with, him in the exact same way I'd always done and was continuing to do with others.

 

Yet... we fell in love.

 

That didn't happen with the others - or at least, didn't happen from my side, and where it happened from the guy's side I was very quick to terminate the R.

 

My behaviour was exactly the same, yet the outcome was very different. I didn't feel that I'd made a choice to fall in love. It was something that happened, unexpected and unplanned.

 

It was certainly a choice to 'fess up and admit to it, though I guess by then it was plenty obvious anyway , and it was certainly a choice to follow through on that and decide that we wanted to be together, and then to make that happen. But the falling in love bit - believe me, that was never on my to do list!!

[Owl]

Owoman, in your case, I honestly feel it was "only a matter of time" before you ended up becoming truly emotionally involved with one of your MM's.

 

And here's the thing...there WAS a difference in this one compared to all the others that you were involved with.

 

With the others, you limited the amount of emotionally intimate interaction with them. At some point, you drew a line with them that stopped things from progressing further.

 

With this one...you reached that point, but didn't draw the line...you chose not to enforce that same boundary that you'd enforced before. You chose to continue to feed this relationship where you had previously decided not to.

 

Perhaps the attraction with this one, or with this one's situation was stronger.

 

No, we don't fall in love with everyone we are attracted to, or even to every one we choose to pursue further...but it's the act of choosing to pursue further that LEADS to the love forming. Without choosing to feed that relationship...the love never forms.

[Owl]

Falling in love, to me, is NOT by choice!!!

WHY WHY would many of us here CHOOSE to fall in love with people that are ARLEADY TAKEN!!!!?????

 

Come on -do you think ANY of us really want to have ever been in the OW / OM situation?? I sure as hell did not. And I know I never, EVER want to go through that heartache again. Seriously - it's one of the WORST feelings in the world ....

 

I do understand that you have to try continually and evolve the love that you share - allow it to grow and nurture it or it will die.

 

How many would "choose" this?

 

All of them have.

 

Every single one.

 

Every OM/OW here made the choice to continue to "feed the attraction".

 

Unless he lied to you about his marital status, you knowingly and willingly CHOSE to be right where you are right now. And even if he had lied...clearly you know NOW...and yet you CHOOSE to continue feeding the relationship, rather than end it.

 

It's ALL choice.

 

But looking at it the other way has its advantages too, no? If you look at it as NOT a choice, but as something that "just happens"...then you can claim that you had no control over it. Therefore, it's easy to rationalize that you have no responsibility for the situation either.

 

But if you recognize it as a choice...that then implies that you had responsibility for your choices and actions.

 

It's ALL choice...and we're all responsible for our choices and actions.

[bentnotbroken]

We all have the choice to feed an attraction or let it starve to death. The people who chose to be involved with a MP made the CHOICE to feed the attraction.

[OWoman]

Owoman, in your case, I honestly feel it was "only a matter of time" before you ended up becoming truly emotionally involved with one of your MM's.

 

And here's the thing...there WAS a difference in this one compared to all the others that you were involved with.

 

With the others, you limited the amount of emotionally intimate interaction with them. At some point, you drew a line with them that stopped things from progressing further.

 

With this one...you reached that point, but didn't draw the line...you chose not to enforce that same boundary that you'd enforced before. You chose to continue to feed this relationship where you had previously decided not to.

 

Perhaps the attraction with this one, or with this one's situation was stronger.

 

No, we don't fall in love with everyone we are attracted to, or even to every one we choose to pursue further...but it's the act of choosing to pursue further that LEADS to the love forming. Without choosing to feed that relationship...the love never forms.

 

Owl - I don't want to jack this thread any longer, but I'm really struggling with this. I truly don't recall any such choice - or any actions that could be said to have flowed from it. If it was that imperceptible, and totally unconscious - could it really be said to be a choice?

 

I'm not trying to abdicate any responsibility here - I clearly chose the initial involvement, and to perpetuate it beyond a ONS having done so - but the "falling in love" bit I can't honestly say I chose. I would love to be able to say I did - my H gets a real kick out of my having "chosen" him and I feel kind of mean muttering "well, my hormones did" or some such, but TBH the love bit I really don't feel was under my control.

 

(If you know the secret, please share - I'd LOVE to be able to control that!!)

[angie2443]

Hello all!

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...

Because it's happening TO YOU.

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice"

 

I disagree with this.

 

When my husband and I first met, we were attracted to each other, but not in love. We did not know each other enough to be in love. We made the choice to talk and felt a connection. We still were'nt in love. Then we made the choice to go out with each other on a dinner and movie date. We still were'nt in love, but our feelings were growing. If I had found something out about him at this point (if he were married, had been in jail, etc) I could have left the relationship because after one date, we weren't in love. You don't know enough about a person after one date to be in love. Now, we chose to continue to see each other and eventually we did fall in love.

 

What we were doing was choosing to put ourselves in situations where our feelings would grow. This is why, IMO, falling in love is a choice, not something that just happens to you.

[Owl]

(If you know the secret, please share - I'd LOVE to be able to control that!!)

 

Here's the secret...don't get emotionally or physically intimate with ANYONE that you don't want to risk falling in love with.

 

It's that simple.

 

I can't tell you what made "this" time different for you...but I can tell you that had you never allowed him to get that close to you in the first place...you never would have fallen in love with him.

 

As a married man...in a committed relationship...I simply do not allow myself ANY leeway in my interactions with any woman who isn't my wife...and that goes even moreso for ones that I find myself in any fashion attracted to.

[taylor]

Even that person you feel an "instant connection" to...it's not love until you feed it and let it grow up into love. Before you choose to do so...it's just an attraction to someone you've met.

 

I occasionally meet women that I find very attractive. In my line of work, most of the women I meet are very intelligent, outgoing, and often physically attractive as well, so it's bound to happen that someone "catches my eye" once in a while.

 

The thing is...I NEVER feed it. I deliberately choose to STARVE that attraction instead...ensuring that it never gets a chance to grow into anything more, but instead that attraction dies of starvation. This is how I protect my marriage.

 

I agree, OWL, that falling in love is a choice...a choice to feed the attraction.

 

But tell me, what steps can you take to starve the attraction if you are in close proximity to this person on a daily basis, such as, at work?

 

You mentioned you found several coworkers attractive but chose to starve the attraction. How did you do that?

 

Certainly people who are attracted to each other and who work side by side 40 to 60 hours a week discussing nuts and bolts can fall in love.

 

Nurses fall in love with their patients they tend to on a daily basis. Doctors fall in love with their nurses while discussing lab tests and bandages.

 

It's no wonder so many affairs begin in the workplace.

 

And certainly there are people who have unrequited love for people they work with..they are in love, but hide their feelings. The object of their affection has no clue.

 

So how do you starve an attraction at the workplace when you work elbow to elbow with someone you are attracted to and who you spend more time with than your spouse? What concrete steps do you take?

 

Also, these women who "caught your eye"...Did any of them show a mutual attraction to you? Did you "catch" their eye?

 

How do you starve your attraction to someone while that someone is doing everything in their power to FEED their attraction to you? What steps do you take?