Any hope of second chance?

[Elpida]

I really need your help! Sorry for the long story!

I’ve been in a 12 years perfect relationship with my now ex-fiancée, my first boyfriend and my first love. Out of 12 years we lived together first four years, and then I had to move to UK. For 8 years we were in long-distance relationship, flying so see each other every two weeks and communicating for hours every day. For 5 years it was ok though we missed each other like crazy but we could not be at the same geographical location due to external reasons. We had plans, we had dreams that soon I will move back to his country. So, he was living there, I was living in UK. We were faithful to each other and were so much in love. I would not lie - it was difficult to keep a long-distance relationship going for so long. I believe our love and belief it will work kept it going. First it was terrible to spend days without seeing each other but then I guess we both got used to it. We were in different places geographically but emotionally, and as often as we could to fly over, physically, we were so together. We had common friends; we spent all holidays and most weekends together. Then I guess both of us started to get used to our different countries’ traditions and started to adapt to and like them. I knew he would never move to UK, he loves his country so much, and his parents and friends, and job are there. Basically, all he loves but me is there. In UK I have my job, my hobbies, traditions I like, basically everything I like and used to is in UK – apart from my love. Now, during last 3 years the problems started to arise – neither of us was willing to leave everything and follow another. For 3 years we were trying to sort it out, basically, he was waiting for me to make my decision and follow him. He was waiting; he was so patient and understanding. He is the most perfect man I ever known – kind, smart, mature, gorgeous, and faithful. My best friend. Then, this winter, we decided we try for a last time, I finally decided to leave UK and join him for good. It was difficult for me to leave so many things I liked behind – his country is very different, not in a bad way really, just different. But I knew if I do not come over we will break up. So, in December we discussed the schedule of my relocation (Feb), and we saw each other again this January. I made a huge mistake back then; I let him see I still had doubts & regrets of leaving everything behind. He got angry. He flew back, communicated as usual with me for a week and then done complete NC. At once. At the beginning I thought he was just angry with me, so I simply called and wrote messages. No reply. I contacted his friends worrying mad something has happened to him. I made another huge mistake back then; I should have flied over straight away when I felt something was wrong. I did not; I was still trying to contact him. After three weeks I sent him a frantic message saying I do not understand what is happening, and I am flying over. He sent just one short phone message – “I took a decision, I moved on, I do not want to see or meet you again. Currently I am seeing another person.” I was in complete shock…. My fiancée, my faithful man, my best friend of 12 years, one who was convincing me of his love forever just few weeks ago not only broke-up with me without actually talking to me/ communicating/ giving me closure but already seeing another woman! How is it possible?!? Why?!? Why could not he talk to me, at least gave me closure, some respect even?!? Is he on the rebound? I flied over to his place uninvited; he barely let me in and then left the house. Apart from few first short shocking minutes I’ve never seen him since then. I stayed in his flat for three days but he never came over. Since then almost a full NC from his side. Three months passed…I cannot recover, I cannot breath, think, live. It hurts like hell…I do not understand why… Next weekend I am flying ho his country to an event he is also going to attend. Possibly without new person, I am not sure. I am trying to persuade him to have a meeting with me to explain some things. Also I want to see if there is any hope for me, for us. I love him so much. I still believe he does too. Shall I continue pushing him to arrange the meeting beforehand or just come over at the event? Shall I try to go to his place uninvited again? What to say? How to break his NC? How should I behave? If he ignores me at the event, shall I get angry and show him? Please help!

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Since then almost a full NC from his side. Three months passed…I cannot recover, I cannot breath, think, live. It hurts like hell…I do not understand why… Next weekend I am flying ho his country to an event he is also going to attend. Possibly without new person, I am not sure. I am trying to persuade him to have a meeting with me to explain some things. Also I want to see if there is any hope for me, for us.

 

 

This was a huge shock, no doubt about it.

 

I am so sorry...the way you wrote this out, my heart just breaks for you, it still sounds like shock, denial. *hugs*

 

You say he's been "since then almost a full NC from his side" - what has he told you in those few instances of contact? That he's still with the new love interest?

 

Again, I am terribly sorry this happened to you!

 

 

 

[EDITED TO ADD: about the incident you two had when he got angry...how bad was this? How did you express your doubt and regret? In a confrontational way, or sorta just talking about them?]

.

[marlena]

I know how painful it is when someone you've loved for so long pulls a fast one like this. Of course you are right. He should have given you a warning, some closure, an explanation. That said, however, you should have seen this coming. Twelve years sitting on the fence, unable to decide whether to go and live in his country, is too much to bear even when the love and connection is that powerful.

 

I think it is safe to say that your reluctance to live in his country is what he considered most when he decided to end this things. Knowing how you felt about his country (and I think I know what country you might be referring to), he probably realised that you could never fully adapt and that this would undermine your relationship and eventually destroy it. Perhaps, he did not want to take the risk.

 

Deciding to live in another country that is culturally different is not an easy thing to do. It puts a huge strain on even the best of relationships. He probably knew this, thought that your relationship was doomed to fail and so decided to move on with his life. Perhaps, he thought that what he was doing, in the long-term, was the right thing for the both of you.

 

Personally, I think that you should seriously consider the difficulties of moving to another country and whether your relationship could stand up to the hard test or not.

 

No, I don't think you should do anything unannounced or uninvited. You saw what happened the last time you did that. He will most likely perceive such an action as pressure and retaliate in the worst possible way. All you can do is ask him for a meeting, a chance to clear up the situation, tie up loose ends so to speak, get some closure if you like and hope that he accepts.

 

I hope for your sake that he has enough integrity to give you that much at least.

[Elpida]

Hello, Thank you so much for your help!

 

I will start reply by reply...

 

Yes, it is still a huge shock. I had only two contacts with him since NC - first, he shortly replied to my SMS wishing him Happy Easter. Second, he replied to one of my (many) emails/ requests asking him for a short meeting, a closure. He replied he has no hate towards me or regrets. He made his decision and moved on, without me. He wishes me the best. He never mentioned another woman again. But I know he introduced her to his, our, friends two weeks ago... I do not know if they live together. I cannot even use the usual "second chance" rules as he is so far away. he wants no NC - if I do it there will be no chance. He is so stubborn, generally, but I never seen him to be like this to anybody else...

 

During our meeting in Feb, when I came over to his place, he looked not so angry but scared... He was trying to avoid looking into my eyes, and was running around to avoid any physical contact with me... He said he could not spend night in the same place as me... he also said it is not fair to his new person... I was angry and in tears - I broke all the rules again. I asked him questions why and when, and I told him I am sorry for my hesitation and that I finally understood that nothing else matters if he is with me. I asked him for another chance. I was not cool at all. All that between jumping around. If it was not my life it could have been funny... He never however said he does not love me anymore or he loves her. Just that glass is broken and it is too late...

 

My friends think there is no chance left - he simply moved on, made his decision, though they do not think he will get seriously involved any time soon. He is just moving on. While my heart and sole in shreds... We had many arguments about coming over/ not coming over in the past, and I always would come back to him and we will make up...

 

Marlena, I think you are spot on. But, however difficult for me, honestly I have decided to give it a chance, even too late. He was ready to try as well... he was scared, I know. I would not be able to guarantee our life in his country will be a bed of roses. Of course some days I would have cried and told him I wanted to go UK. Of course sometimes I will critisize his country. This is only human. It is weird as I am missing this country too now, I always had a strong link with it via him. I speak the language, love the music, people, food. It is everyday life I had problems with - outside our house, when I was away from him... May be I would have used to it. I would not know now, I never gave it a chance... At least we have the same religion which is very important in his tradition. But what I am upset about is what he has chosen for myself. He made a decision for me. He has chosen not to risk. He has chosen his peace above life with me, even with problems. He replaced me, after 12 years, years he never mentiond he lost his passion for me, with somebody else, so quickly and easy, and this hurts so much. Do not you need to stop loving one to start loving another?!?

 

I am going over there next weekend. I will try to be cool and civilised. I will try to have my closure, and to see for myself that I lost him, I lost us. May be after seeing/ hearing it myself I will beleive it, accept somehow and try to find sense in life to go on. How will I trust men again, how will I put my heart out there again to be broken, I do not know... I thought our love was forever... I thought I got "lucky" from the first time, and found my one and only... Ironic, is not it... I never thought I will be "knifed" in my heart by the person I loved and trusted more than myself. But however stupid it is I still hope he loves me...

 

Thank you so much for reading...

[marlena]

Elpida,

 

So true to your screen name. Hope indeed springs eternal and as some say in my contry dies last. Yes, I understand this is something you need to do in order to find some measure of peace before you are able to turn the page and write the next chapter of your life.

 

I know so well the dilemma you were faced with. I, too, many, many years ago was faced with the same dilemma and it was maddening. I also know what moving to another country involves, the difficulties, obstacles, hardships, the tremendous adjustments that have to made, adjustments that sometimes no matter how hard we try, are impossible to make or at the very best, take years.

 

Acccepting another person's culture and being able to function on a day to day basis within in that culture are two different things. I am sure that your boyfriend was wondering if indeed you could adapt to a totally new and different environment and be happy. He probably feared given your resistance that you could not and that eventually you would divorce and this is not what he wanted for the two of you.

 

He obviously loved you very much - twelve years is a lifetime - and it was a LDR that lasted when most such type relationships die much, much earlier.

 

You are right. He took the easy way out - the path most trodden as it were - perhaps because he had grown weary of all the waiting, the vaccillating on your part and on his as well and thought that this was the only way out of the impasse that your relationship had come to. Or it could be that he decided to put logic above everything else truly believing that you would both be unhappy in his country and that your relationship was doomed to fail.

 

As you well know, many mixed marriages have dissolved because of cultural differences between the two spouses and I am sure he had this in mind when he decided to move on which he did, admitedly, the easy way..by finding someone else to move on with...someone of his own culture who would make life easier for him.

 

I know the feel of that dagger. Your pain is palpatable..I can feel it as if it were my own. I would PM you but you don't have that privilege yet.

 

You have obviously made up your mind to go and have it out with him one last time. Truth be told, he does owe you this closure. You dedicated 12 years of your life to him. You seem to have I think a realistic grip on the sitaution and this time you go prepared. My only advice to you would be to remain as cool as you possibly can. Try not to lose your composure no matter what happens for that will only make things worse. He will get defensive and in his mind you will validate his decision. Do not apply any pressure or guilt him for what has happened for that too will probably have an adverse effect on him.

 

Tell me, though, are you positive that you want or rather CAN live in his country? Do you honestly think it can work out? Will you be happy/content or do you think that one day you will be resentful and regret your choice? Are you willing to relinquish everything to this end? Hard questions, I know.

 

I truly wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out the way you hope it will.

 

M

[Elpida]

Thank you very much Marlena! So they say in my country...

 

You are right, he put the logic above our love. Logic of what fears he has. I understand his main reason. But I did not want him to decide for me. I made a decision too - I want to follow him. As I know now so very well life does not go in accordance to our plans. Life is not black and white. He cannot be sure what will happen if we stayed together, if I moved there. He should have given us a chance, even if he thought it was a poor one. I was leaving everything I had for him and he was keeping everything he had plus me. I hoped our love and everything we went through deserved a chance. And at the very least I trusted him to be there for me to talk to me when our future was concerned. We knew the names of our future kids....

 

I could live in his country if I really wanted. And I really really want. I lived there for few years. I spent so much time there. It would have been hard, and not guaranteed but what it is in our life!? That country has never looked so much attractive to me before! I even considering going there and finding a job - is not this ironic!?!

 

If I could only somehow prove him that for this time it is serious, I am ready... If he could just still love me and trust me again...And take a risk... If he was still single I think I could have had a last chance and believe me, I would not have wasted it...

 

Still hoping, stupidly, pointlessly, in love

 

Elpida

[marlena]

Still hoping, stupidly, pointlessly, in love

 

 

No, not at all. Your love for eachother withstood the test of time and distance for twelve long years. You were just a little late (well, Ok, a lot) arriving at your decision. And I don't blame you. It was and is a tough call.

 

Still, it is early days yet. I assume that he has not been seeing this other woman for very long. If this is the case, then, perhaps not all is lost. I surely hope so for your sake for you seem to be very dedicated to this man.

 

If I were you, I would try to find out as much as possible about this other woman. More importantly, I would try to find out how serious his feelings for her are. You may be setting yourself up for more pain but from what I can tell, you are determined to play your last card. And IMO, it is well worth it. Twelve years are not flushed down the drain so easily.

 

When you see him, you must make him understand (calmly) that reaching such a life-changing decision was not an easy process. It needed its own time to mature within you and required a great deal of serious contemplation on your part. Basically, you need to dispel his doubts and make him feel secure and confident that you will do your best to make it work out no matter how hard it gets. Perhaps you could be a little less critical of his country, its traditions and its cultural peculiarities, showing him in this way that you can and will integrate once you are there.

 

Still, I need to ask you once again. In all honesty, do you see yourself living there the rest of your life? Do you feel that you are committed 100% to making it work? I know that there are no guarantees in life and that no one can predict the future with absolute certainty but since you have lived there for a number of years, surely you know what to expect and can make an educated, informed decision.

 

I hope you come back here soon with good news!!!

 

M

[Elpida]

Hello, it is me again... Following my long story of 12 years long-distance relationship with my now ex- fiancee (my post dd. 30 April)... I am going to christening of our friends' son next weekend. My major purpose was to talk to my ex fiancee and try to get my closure but, really, try to persuade him to trust me again. To love me again. To give me, us, last chance. At first he was definitely going... Our mutual friend was trying to arrange us a meeting, at least 5min. Few days ago my ex phoned him and said he is not going to attend after all. He will go away for a whole weekend - possibly he is afraid I am going to turn up at his place. My friend told me he was very angry - above the roof. He was physically jumping around during the conversations. He was nervous. He could not talk about me or our break up/ meeting at all. My friend never seen him like this before... 3.5 months passed since he broke-up with me by SMS - he is still so angry, still cannot and do not want to talk to me, even if only to let me go. I do not understand. I admitted my mistake, I keep telling him (or trying, not sure he reads my e-mails) I am so sorry, I love him more than my life, I am asking him to try to trust me again... he still does not want, cannot even, communicate with me. Now, my friends are advising me to leave him in peace (this is what he wants really), at least for a while, and then may be he talks to you. But then, with time, he will be indifferent, he will move on completely and I do not want it! I need to "break his wall" and talk to me while I still feel, hope, he loves me... Can you stop your feelings by making decision? Feelings of 12 years of love and trust? What should I do please? Continue to try to get in touch with him via friends? Phone his sister/ parents even and ask their help? Fly over and try somehow to meet him? But will this anger him even more? And I will look like a stalker?!? Shall I phone his new girlfriend and tell her she is a rebound person? Or this will just make them closer!? What should I do please, how do I deal with his anger?! Why is he still so angry after 3.5 months????? I love his so much, I want him back so much...Thank you...