2nd chances

[PinkRibbon]

In your opinion and past experiences who is more likely to give someone a second chance. A male dumper or a female dumper?

I am just curious because reading through the posts it seems a female dumper is more likely to be nicer to the dumpee than a male dumper who seems to shut all doors. But I don't know and thought I would ask about everyone's personal experiences.

[BCCA]

Males make decisions on a whim, without thinking things out, and therefore, are more likely to reconsider those decisions.

 

Women tend to talk to their friends and family, and make decisions over long periods of time. With that said, by the time the make a decision to end a relationship, theyve spend months convincing themselves its the right thing to do, and almost never change their mind.

 

Men take women back FAR more than the opposite for that reason, but I've found that most times, when its done - its done. Any second chance is going to be shortlived, and a waste of time.

 

Also, let me clear something up - women actually arent nicer at all. They might SEEM nice to your face, but they are usually lying through their teeth about how they really feel to spare themselves some guilt. Im sure men do it, too, but guys are generally pretty easy to read, and rarely resort to such classic lines as 'its not you, its me', which are just petty attempts to shed guilt. At least with men, you usually know where you stand, while women can talk forever, and say next to nothing.

[Juristhea]

Males make decisions on a whim, without thinking things out, and therefore, are more likely to reconsider those decisions.

 

Women tend to talk to their friends and family, and make decisions over long periods of time. With that said, by the time the make a decision to end a relationship, theyve spend months convincing themselves its the right thing to do, and almost never change their mind.

 

Men take women back FAR more than the opposite for that reason, but I've found that most times, when its done - its done. Any second chance is going to be shortlived, and a waste of time.

 

Also, let me clear something up - women actually arent nicer at all. They might SEEM nice to your face, but they are usually lying through their teeth about how they really feel to spare themselves some guilt. Im sure men do it, too, but guys are generally pretty easy to read, and rarely resort to such classic lines as 'its not you, its me', which are just petty attempts to shed guilt. At least with men, you usually know where you stand, while women can talk forever, and say next to nothing.

Blunt as BCCA's post may seem, I would have to agree with him with regards to who makes the decision to give it another chance.

 

Of course, guys get over a girl as fast as they can change underwear but some don't and this is why some guys actually consider giving it another chance because they have a hard time getting over someone.

 

Getting over someone is probably the factor why people consider thinking about giving a failed relationship a second chance because getting over your ex is a painful thing to do.

[yandii]

well.. girls are really unpredictable and weak about what they feel. sometimes they don't know what to do and just clinging on the decision of the guy. second chances depends in what kind of relationship you've had before. and dumpers depend on how deep they feel for the other person. some may want them back.. some may not. well.. regrets in the end right?.

[CaliGuy]

In your opinion and past experiences who is more likely to give someone a second chance. A male dumper or a female dumper?

I am just curious because reading through the posts it seems a female dumper is more likely to be nicer to the dumpee than a male dumper who seems to shut all doors. But I don't know and thought I would ask about everyone's personal experiences.

 

General rules for second chances:

 

1. If the DUMPER wants the second chance, the odds are very good it may work out.

2. If the DUMPEE wants the second chance, the odds are very BAD and it usually won't work out.

3. The more you want a second chance (as a dumpee) the less likely it will happen.

4. The LESS you want a second chance (as a dumpee) the more likely it will happen.

5. If as the dumpee you eventually get a second chance, it will mostly likely be after you have healed and moved on AND found someone else. That becomes the point you won't want a second chance (for the most part).

6. You can't increase your odds of getting a second chance as a dumpee who has been left for someone else. You can however DECREASE your odds of a second chance by begging, pleading or otherwise pursuing someone who dumped you. Nobody wants a broken, insecure, unhappy person as a mate. You can only increase your odds as a dumpee when you were dumped due to having personal issues that you need to fix and DO fix them on your own. And that takes lots of time.

7. If your ex wants a second chance, neither hell nor high water will stop them from finding you. Exs can/will always find you if they so desire. Going NC doesn't DECREASE your odds of a second chance. It increases the odds you will HEAL as soon as possible and insures you do not beg, grovel or otherwise ruin whatever dignity and respect your ex has left for you.

8. When a dumper says "I miss you, I love you, I made a mistake and I want to be with you..." all of this means nothing unless they are followed by DELIBERATE actions. By that I mean, they are DOING exactly what they are saying. If they are saying a lot but DOING NOTHING, then you know they are not serious and are stringing you along. Actions are what matter, not words.

 

I can give you an example of this in real life such as my current ex at work who says she is confused, isn't sure she's with the right guy, thinks I was the "one" however she has done NOTHING to back these words up. Oh sure, she's interested in my life -- from a distance -- but isn't DOING anything about it. She's still with the other guy and appears to be OK with what is missing in her life. She's been doing this for 6 months now. So you see, all the talk in the world means nothing without actions.

 

If he/she has been gone for more than 6 months, the odds of anything changing decrease significantly. (Just from what I can tell, there are VERY rare exceptions to this though).

 

Take this for what it's worth. This is what I have learned by simply reading, studying these (and other) forums for years before formulating my "opinion"....

 

Take it for what it's worth for you.

[CaliGuy]

Oh and as for male/female I agree with BCCA with the added caveat....

 

When women make the decision to leave, it's not right away. It's usually over the course of time with much discussing with friends and family. The DUMPEE is usually the LAST to know what's coming. However, the clues are there. Pulling away, not hanging out as much, hanging out with friends more, not saying I love you as much, etc.

 

When men decide to dump a woman it's usually with little thought. They don't talk to their friends or family about it. It's a personal decision made with very little thought.

 

With that said, men are more likely as a DUMPER to want the DUMPEE back.

Women are much less likely as a DUMPER to want the DUMPEE back. In fact, I would say once a woman makes the decision to leave, it's final and she will not change her mind (unless the decision to leave her S/O was done with little thought).

 

And usually once a woman leaves it's after she's identified a new guy in her life and started moving forward with that relationship. The NEW relationship replaces the old and thus there's no reason for her to want to repair the relationship with the DUMPEE. In other words guys, you're pretty much screwed This is why I am so adamant about moving on. If they have a new guy, forget a second chance. Focus on healing yourself and moving on so a NEW woman can come into your life.

 

Cheers

[paperchase]

I agree that men are more likely to hang on to an ex but I'm not sure they really entertain second chances. Very few men will turn down sex with someone they are attracted to unless there are just too many strings attached. Men sometimes think with the wrong head. Also, I agree we make rash decisions and change our minds. Women can be fickle too.

 

But yes, when a woman leaves you she's been gearing up for the day over a longer course of time. Getting stronger, convincing herself it's for the best and probably securing your replacement like Cali Guy says. Her resolve is very strong once the hammer drops and you best believe there are no magic words no matter how eloquent you are that will change her mind. She may cry with you, but for a different reason. She's crying because she knows it's over, you're crying because you hope it's not.

 

Here's the thing though...women come back too. They do it for an ego boost often. It's just a game. I don't think men play that game as much. If we manipulate we want sex not just to know our ex's are pining. But when women offer a sincere second chance it's because they've satisfied themself enough to believe the grass is not greener on the other side. They've explored things a bit and have rejected all the advice they were given. It might take them as long to come back as it took them to leave.

[CaliGuy]

I agree that men are more likely to hang on to an ex but I'm not sure they really entertain second chances. Very few men will turn down sex with someone they are attracted to unless there are just too many strings attached. Men sometimes think with the wrong head. Also, I agree we make rash decisions and change our minds. Women can be fickle too.

 

But yes, when a woman leaves you she's been gearing up for the day over a longer course of time. Getting stronger, convincing herself it's for the best and probably securing your replacement like Cali Guy says. Her resolve is very strong once the hammer drops and you best believe there are no magic words no matter how eloquent you are that will change her mind. She may cry with you, but for a different reason. She's crying because she knows it's over, you're crying because you hope it's not.

 

Here's the thing though...women come back too. They do it for an ego boost often. It's just a game. I don't think men play that game as much. If we manipulate we want sex not just to know our ex's are pining. But when women offer a sincere second chance it's because they've satisfied themself enough to believe the grass is not greener on the other side. They've explored things a bit and have rejected all the advice they were given. It might take them as long to come back as it took them to leave.

 

 

I can see where you'd feel that way, PC, because your situation with your ex is very unique. Her reasons for leaving weren't because OF you, they were because you have an ex wife and kids and she wasn't sure she could handle that. What I am saying here is when she left you, she was still confused and not sure what she wanted. She had another guy on the side to keep her entertained but really, deep down, she wanted to be with you.

 

For MOST men (I'd say 95% of them) who are dumped by a woman, it's DONE and OVER WITH and no amount of crying, begging, pleading or otherwise trying to manipulate her back into your life is going to work. All it will do is serve to destroy any remaining respect she has for him.

 

THAT alone is why men, when they are dumped, should suck it up and go complete NC. Box her crap up and give it to her friend to return. Put those old photos/gifts away in a box where you can't see them. Get back to the gym, reconnect with old friends and find some new hobbies to occupy your time. Go out on dates when you feel up to it and try your best to have fun.

 

Takes some time but you WILL get over it and find someone new. If you sit around the house and mope and say "poor me" all day, it's going to be a very, very long road to recovery.

 

PC, how are things with your ex/current?! Did she agree to go to counseling with you and if so, how have the sessions been working out?

[paperchase]

I can see where you'd feel that way, PC, because your situation with your ex is very unique. Her reasons for leaving weren't because OF you, they were because you have an ex wife and kids and she wasn't sure she could handle that. What I am saying here is when she left you, she was still confused and not sure what she wanted. She had another guy on the side to keep her entertained but really, deep down, she wanted to be with you.

 

For MOST men (I'd say 95% of them) who are dumped by a woman, it's DONE and OVER WITH and no amount of crying, begging, pleading or otherwise trying to manipulate her back into your life is going to work. All it will do is serve to destroy any remaining respect she has for him.

 

THAT alone is why men, when they are dumped, should suck it up and go complete NC. Box her crap up and give it to her friend to return. Put those old photos/gifts away in a box where you can't see them. Get back to the gym, reconnect with old friends and find some new hobbies to occupy your time. Go out on dates when you feel up to it and try your best to have fun.

 

Takes some time but you WILL get over it and find someone new. If you sit around the house and mope and say "poor me" all day, it's going to be a very, very long road to recovery.

 

PC, how are things with your ex/current?! Did she agree to go to counseling with you and if so, how have the sessions been working out?

 

Things are good with my ex. She did agree to counseling but I haven't set it up yet. I have a few referrals to look into. She's really been sweet, just like I remembered her. It's all a bit confusing to me and slowly she's make herself a full time fixture in my life again. So we're exclusive. No titles though I know she wants one and doesn't know how to ask. She hints and gets upset. I think she wants me to ask her but I won't.

 

I really can't complain except to say the 2nd chance isn't quite the same because I'm a little jaded now. I love her but I've seen a side of her that gives me pause. I'm not sure if she's Mrs. Right, but I'm content to believe she's Mrs. Right Now and I appreciate having her companionship again. The biggest thing I have to keep reminding myself is that nothing is guaranteed and I need to be able to cope if this doesn't work out. It's a tough inhibited way to love.

[Woggle]

Men at first tend to want a woman but once a man moves on and generally doesn't give a crap about her anymore many women do change their tune. The less you want her the more she wants you.

[CaliGuy]

Things are good with my ex. She did agree to counseling but I haven't set it up yet. I have a few referrals to look into. She's really been sweet, just like I remembered her. It's all a bit confusing to me and slowly she's make herself a full time fixture in my life again. So we're exclusive. No titles though I know she wants one and doesn't know how to ask. She hints and gets upset. I think she wants me to ask her but I won't.

 

I really can't complain except to say the 2nd chance isn't quite the same because I'm a little jaded now. I love her but I've seen a side of her that gives me pause. I'm not sure if she's Mrs. Right, but I'm content to believe she's Mrs. Right Now and I appreciate having her companionship again. The biggest thing I have to keep reminding myself is that nothing is guaranteed and I need to be able to cope if this doesn't work out. It's a tough inhibited way to love.

 

True, true. I think the counseling will help you iron those things out, my friend. Just do not drop the ball on that.

 

Men at first tend to want a woman but once a man moves on and generally doesn't give a crap about her anymore many women do change their tune. The less you want her the more she wants you.

 

That's the same for anyone, male or female.

 

The less you want them, the more they want you.

The more you want them, the less they want you.

 

I've seen it happen to me and from me to someone else (and other people as well). So I'd say it's across the board.

[PinkRibbon]

Good grief I wish he wanted me back. Why in the world do I get the male dumper that doesn't want the ex back? I mean hells bells I am rather easy on the eyes, have a great personality, funny,educated, independent when it comes to money, not needy when it comes to time, I am an awesome cook and I really cooked meals for us about 2-3 times a week. I rode the motorcycle in the rain for hours and freezing cold, I am very creative , I enjoy alot and like alot , I complimented him to his friends and everyone I pretty much met, never put him down and never expected more than he realistically could give.

 

Why is my dumper the one who is stubborn? :confused: Or better yet what is wrong with me that I cant't get a second chance. Heck I can't get a phone call or text. {{{{Bleh}}} Maybe I should be some controlling, pathtic psycho bitch to keep a man??? Maybe being mean is the key...

[Miguelrg]

Any woman that rides a motorcycle deserves a second chance, Hot!

 

I think some people are just bastards to be fair, it's devestating when somebody isn't even willing to have the second chance to see what happens....

 

The good thing is if you've tried everythin already, down the road your not the one who's going to live with regrets, if he ever wants you back he's gonna beat himself up about it and you won't care..

 

Keep Riding

[CaliGuy]

Good grief I wish he wanted me back. Why in the world do I get the male dumper that doesn't want the ex back? I mean hells bells I am rather easy on the eyes, have a great personality, funny,educated, independent when it comes to money, not needy when it comes to time, I am an awesome cook and I really cooked meals for us about 2-3 times a week. I rode the motorcycle in the rain for hours and freezing cold, I am very creative , I enjoy alot and like alot , I complimented him to his friends and everyone I pretty much met, never put him down and never expected more than he realistically could give.

 

Why is my dumper the one who is stubborn? :confused: Or better yet what is wrong with me that I cant't get a second chance. Heck I can't get a phone call or text. {{{{Bleh}}} Maybe I should be some controlling, pathtic psycho bitch to keep a man??? Maybe being mean is the key...

 

 

So move to San Diego, PINK, and you can ride the best twisties on the West Coast with me. Granted, you'll have to buy full racing leathers (and look good in them, coz I do!).

 

Seriously, if you realize you have this much going for you, then why are you even worried about?! A GOOD MAN whom you were meant to be with will realize that you're a catch and pounce on the opportunity to be with you.

 

The old saying goes: "When God takes someone from you, it's not that He is punishing you. It's that He means for you to learn something from the experience and that He has someone MUCH BETTER in mind for you!"

[PinkRibbon]

Thanks guys! Yes I do look rather good in my leathers especially a pair of stiletto boots I wore on the bike. Made me about 5'9 and he is 5'4! Loved them!

 

I do have alot going for me and yea at the end of this month I will be a homeowner! So excited!

 

I like the saying about God. I wonder what he has in store for me? I am sure I can get much better. I mean this guy is a cook at a prision, overweight, broke, no education, no ambition, homely looking and bad teeth. I was attracted to him because of the way he treated me. He was awesome. I honestly believe in my little dark heart that we were perfect together. We never fussed or argued, always got along, loved the show "PINKS" on speed channel, loved riding, drinking beer and bunches of other stuff. Everyone literally everyone we knew wondered when we were getting married even my daughter said that many times to us. She even told him she wanted a brother to get busy since he was staying around with us. I couldn't have asked for better. I showed him several new things, boosted his little chubby ego big time, baked cookies and hid them in his bag on his bike when he went on trips, bought him cute cards and left in his sock drawer and we loved each other. That is why I don't understand his anger at this argument. It was just an argument.

 

But I have the dumper that is not looking back. You know I am going to make it. I will be better and will have better when I am ready. Right now I am not ready so I will just enjoy hanging out here with everyone, working on my house, my degree and enjoying my child. Things can and will be better.

 

Lov you guys for all the great words of help!

[CaliGuy]

Thanks guys! Yes I do look rather good in my leathers especially a pair of stiletto boots I wore on the bike. Made me about 5'9 and he is 5'4! Loved them!

 

I do have alot going for me and yea at the end of this month I will be a homeowner! So excited!

 

AWESOME! You do have a lot going for you.

 

Also: I have highlighted many NEGATIVE things about this guy. Add them up and then ask yourself "What the hell did I ever see in him anyway?"

 

I like the saying about God. I wonder what he has in store for me? I am sure I can get much better.

 

All you have to do is have faith and wait on Him. HE will bring the right person to you in time.

 

I mean this guy is a cook at a prision, overweight, broke, no education, no ambition, homely looking and bad teeth. I was attracted to him because of the way he treated me. He was awesome. I honestly believe in my little dark heart that we were perfect together. We never fussed or argued, always got along, loved the show "PINKS" on speed channel, loved riding, drinking beer and bunches of other stuff. Everyone literally everyone we knew wondered when we were getting married even my daughter said that many times to us. She even told him she wanted a brother to get busy since he was staying around with us. I couldn't have asked for better. I showed him several new things, boosted his little chubby ego big time, baked cookies and hid them in his bag on his bike when he went on trips, bought him cute cards and left in his sock drawer and we loved each other. That is why I don't understand his anger at this argument. It was just an argument.

 

But I have the dumper that is not looking back. You know I am going to make it. I will be better and will have better when I am ready. Right now I am not ready so I will just enjoy hanging out here with everyone, working on my house, my degree and enjoying my child. Things can and will be better.

 

Lov you guys for all the great words of help!

 

There you go. Just add up all the negatives from this guy and then be happy you are not married to him. It sounds like, based on your information, that over time he would have disappointed you anyway.

 

Maybe, just maybe, he feels like he doesn't deserve someone like you in his life and it's his insecurities that drove him away. It certainly doesn't sound like it's a problem with YOU.

 

Take solace in that!

[PinkRibbon]

Thanks Caliguy! You have a way of putting things in perspective!

 

I never had a problem with being with him. I didn't care what he had or how he looked. Never thought about his own insecurities. I am the one who drove the black beemer, good job, tall, thin, blonde and give the girls a hooters a run for their money! hahahah

 

You know I really did enjoy dressing sexy and going out with him just so his friends would look at him and think wow what does he have going on that we don't. he got the most pleasure out of people making comments to him about us being together. Maybe that was a bad thing.

 

Well what ever it is I certainly don't want to turn into whiny sniveling girl. Thanks guys! I iwll buck up and quit wondering bacause it can't change anything between us. He left and he is gone and I have to deal with it.

[EmperorR]

I would like to add my 2 cents.

 

I've been dumped twice in the past 8 months, first time cheated on and dumped didn't see it coming. Second time I saw it coming a mile away, thanks to reading about relationships night and day for months reading posts on here.

 

I would call she would say I would call you back later never did, she never ended phone calls with I love you anymore, text messages got smaller, oh and the biggie she went away on a trip with her 5 single friends and came back different. See slowly she was emotionally attaching and then dropped the bomb on me, but this time unlike last I saw the signs I was prepared, I got dumped I didn't beg plead complain etc., just said thanks went NC, waited a week then text her just asking the real reason ( i just wanted to know just the type of person I am), cut her off again for 2 weeks she text me upst I was talking to her best friend, cut her off again and then again a few days later she texts me again begging to be my friend bla bla wondering if she made a mistake. I told her please don't contact me and voila.

 

I know shes itching to know whats going on my life, bla bla but i dont care I don't play games Im not chasing after her contacting her or caring, I have a date tommorow just a casual date, im not pinning myself at home like I did last time hoping and praying bla bla.

[EmperorR]

I can see where you'd feel that way, PC, because your situation with your ex is very unique. Her reasons for leaving weren't because OF you, they were because you have an ex wife and kids and she wasn't sure she could handle that. What I am saying here is when she left you, she was still confused and not sure what she wanted. She had another guy on the side to keep her entertained but really, deep down, she wanted to be with you.

 

For MOST men (I'd say 95% of them) who are dumped by a woman, it's DONE and OVER WITH and no amount of crying, begging, pleading or otherwise trying to manipulate her back into your life is going to work. All it will do is serve to destroy any remaining respect she has for him.

 

THAT alone is why men, when they are dumped, should suck it up and go complete NC. Box her crap up and give it to her friend to return. Put those old photos/gifts away in a box where you can't see them. Get back to the gym, reconnect with old friends and find some new hobbies to occupy your time. Go out on dates when you feel up to it and try your best to have fun.

 

Takes some time but you WILL get over it and find someone new. If you sit around the house and mope and say "poor me" all day, it's going to be a very, very long road to recovery.

 

PC, how are things with your ex/current?! Did she agree to go to counseling with you and if so, how have the sessions been working out?

 

CaliGuy with the truth again, I was that loser pathetic guy before, "my situation is different, she's the one"

 

This time I got dumped, left work earlypacked up everything she gave me and mailed it back to her fed ex, blocked her on facebook, msn, deleted all her pictures and threw away the hard copies, I've never initiated contact once, and im going on my way talking to new women, a few dates lined up. Am I looking ofr a new relationship nope, im i 100% over my ex nope, but that doesn't mean im not going to enjoy my life and get out there.

 

Funny last time talking to my ex she told me "it just hit me that were not together anymore, all thsi time iwas just living my life and not worrying about it" I just replied oh that sucks I've been over that were not together anymore weeks ago:), and went back to NC.

 

Yes being cheated on by my ex fiance sucked like crap but it taught me so much, ill no longer be pushed over, taking advantage off and made a option in someones life.

[Woggle]

Good grief I wish he wanted me back. Why in the world do I get the male dumper that doesn't want the ex back? I mean hells bells I am rather easy on the eyes, have a great personality, funny,educated, independent when it comes to money, not needy when it comes to time, I am an awesome cook and I really cooked meals for us about 2-3 times a week. I rode the motorcycle in the rain for hours and freezing cold, I am very creative , I enjoy alot and like alot , I complimented him to his friends and everyone I pretty much met, never put him down and never expected more than he realistically could give.

 

Why is my dumper the one who is stubborn? :confused: Or better yet what is wrong with me that I cant't get a second chance. Heck I can't get a phone call or text. {{{{Bleh}}} Maybe I should be some controlling, pathtic psycho bitch to keep a man??? Maybe being mean is the key...

 

If he wanted you back you would fall out of love with him and not want him anymore. The fact that he doesn't want you is what sparks the attraction.