If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

[MeaganRaye]

What would be the use of being angry at the MM who cheated, he's dead.

 

And, no I wouldn't want my children to ever see the OW ever. She has no place being around my family no matter what the circumstances are. BTW, most kids (if they were old enough) would take care of the problem for their mother.

Yeah but you seem to act as if the MM is a child who is not accountable for anyting at all. It's ALL the woman's fault. Have you ever thought that maybe he was the one who seduced and pursued her, made her feel loved and not the other way around?

[herenow]

Are you a BS? You seem to show nothing but hostility towards the OW but NONE towards your spouse.

 

Go read my threads. I blame my H 100%. Always have. He takes 100% of the blame as well and has never blamed me or the OW for his choices.

 

I show hostility on this thread because I think it's disgusting that an OW wouldn't let the BW alone to grieve. BS or not, that's my opinion.

[bentnotbroken]

It is what it is. These type of things happen so often. If she attended then there is nothing I can do about it, that's between my mom, and the OW. There are circumstances where the OW attended the spouse's funeral and it did not break the children into a million pieces. As long as the OW can be quiet and mourn like everybody else there shouldn't be a problem

 

 

 

This really did have this situation happen in our family. My aunt found out about our uncles' long term A when our grandmother died. There was a flower there that said from the other grandchildren and this woman came with 2 children. Imagine the shock we all had. Some of knew there was OW, but not children. My aunt was devastated, they had been married over 30 years. She chose to stay for their own children, she has stood by him through cancer, kidney disease and breathing problems, but you can damn well bet, if the ow shows up at his funeral, there will be more than one corpse there at the end of the service.

[herenow]

She has already made it very clear that she doesn't care how the BS would be hurt by the actions of someone intruding on their marriage.

 

True that!

[MeaganRaye]

Works for me, LOL.

 

 

 

Because the person that cheated on them is DEAD. Who in their right mind at a funeral wants to see some other woman, or man for that matter, grieving what should never have been?

 

Why should the BS and remaining family have ANY sympathy for someone who didn't have any for them when helping the dead person cheat and lie?

 

You really aren't getting this. Its a shame too. Its like the inappropriateness of this is totally lost on you.

It was the husband's decision to bring this woman into his life, if he didn't want her than he wouldn't have met her and slept with her then. it's not all the OWs fault

[Owl]

Yeah but you seem to act as if the MM is a child who is not accountable for anyting at all. It's ALL the woman's fault. Have you ever thought that maybe he was the one who seduced and pursued her, made her feel loved and not the other way around?

 

You're forgetting something here, Meagan.

 

In order to recover the marriage, the BS must forgive the WS. It's a given...it'll have to happen in order for them to recover and rebuild their marriage.

 

But...there's no reason at all that a BS has to forgive the OW/OM. None.

 

So why, given this, would you expect any different responses or views than you've gotten?

 

Think about it...the BS still LOVES their WS...and forgives if they decide to heal the marriage. But there was NEVER any kind of love between the OM/OW and the BS...nor a need to forgive.

 

Why would it be surprising that BS's never forgive the OW/OM then?

[MeaganRaye]

This really did have this situation happen in our family. My aunt found out about our uncles' long term A when our grandmother died. There was a flower there that said from the other grandchildren and this woman came with 2 children. Imagine the shock we all had. Some of knew there was OW, but not children. My aunt was devastated, they had been married over 30 years. She chose to stay for their own children, she has stood by him through cancer, kidney disease and breathing problems, but you can damn well bet, if the ow shows up at his funeral, there will be more than one corpse there at the end of the service.

Even though she fathered children by the man? She should be able to attend the father of her own children's funeral

[herenow]

Yeah but you seem to act as if the MM is a child who is not accountable for anyting at all. It's ALL the woman's fault. Have you ever thought that maybe he was the one who seduced and pursued her, made her feel loved and not the other way around?

 

Again, read my threads and you will see that you have no idea what you are talking about.

[MeaganRaye]

You're forgetting something here, Meagan.

 

In order to recover the marriage, the BS must forgive the WS. It's a given...it'll have to happen in order for them to recover and rebuild their marriage.

 

But...there's no reason at all that a BS has to forgive the OW/OM. None.

 

So why, given this, would you expect any different responses or views than you've gotten?

 

Think about it...the BS still LOVES their WS...and forgives if they decide to heal the marriage. But there was NEVER any kind of love between the OM/OW and the BS...nor a need to forgive.

 

Why would it be surprising that BS's never forgive the OW/OM then?

 

You haven't really gotten over what happened then if you can't let go..that means letting go and forgiving the OW/OM as well.

 

They love him/her too.

 

I guess everyone is different.

[bentnotbroken]

Yeah but you seem to act as if the MM is a child who is not accountable for anyting at all. It's ALL the woman's fault. Have you ever thought that maybe he was the one who seduced and pursued her, made her feel loved and not the other way around?

 

 

 

And?????? Like that has happened to all of us at some point, having someone else be interested in us. We just chose not to act. He is only responsible for his choices and actions, and OP is responsible for their choice to respond and choice to engage. AP are adults aren't they? Or are they mindless puppets, with no free will, common sense or personal standards and can be easily lead astray by someone with more intelligence?

[NoIDidn't]

Yeah but you seem to act as if the MM is a child who is not accountable for anyting at all. It's ALL the woman's fault. Have you ever thought that maybe he was the one who seduced and pursued her, made her feel loved and not the other way around?

 

But he's dead. Whatever he is accountable for in this fantasy, it doesn't matter. He's dead.

 

Did your MM die? Are you comtemplating crashing his funeral? Because that's what it would be.

[herenow]

You haven't really gotten over what happened then if you can't let go..that means letting go and forgiving the OW/OM as well.

 

They love him/her too.

 

I guess everyone is different.

 

Letting go means that you have nothing to do with that person (OW). So, if that person (OW) would to show up at a funeral, they would not be welcome. Maybe the OW should "let go" and not attend.

[MeaganRaye]

If she had been content to be a well kept secret all those years, she can be content to remain so. To attend the funeral with the family all around is soooo disrespectful and downright mean. I just couldn't fathom someone as soulless as that.

 

I don't think it's mean. It just takes a very strong woman with a special kind of heart to not let it affect her and allow the other woman to grieve along with her children. They defintely don't deserve to be banned from their own fathers funeral

 

I read this book by a singer named Faith Evans, she was married to rapper Notorious BIG, she invited his OW to grieve at his funeral. So not everyone views it in the same manner as you and a few other posters. They can put everything aside

[jj33]

I think its totally inappropriate if the BS knew who the OP was or any member of the WS's family could be hurt by it in any way. Why create drama? That is part of being the OP, the role is not the same as a close family friend or distant relative coming to pay respects.

 

Yes the OP had feelings for the WS and vice versa but the funeral is for the family. Not the OP. Funerals are for the living and primarily for those that hold the funeral.

 

If xMM died and colleagues were able to attend, I might if I thought I could hold it together. However I doubt that colleagues other than his business partners would be invited. Even if they were, I suspect I would do my greiving privately. Its simply not appropriate.

[herenow]

If the MM really wanted to be with and really loved the OW, she wouldn't be the OW when he died now would she?

 

I think the OW should let go and grieve the loss of a man she loved, but didn't love her back enough to make her a real part of his life, and leave his family alone. JMO

[Owl]

You haven't really gotten over what happened then if you can't let go..that means letting go and forgiving the OW/OM as well.

 

They love him/her too.

 

I guess everyone is different.

 

Again...WHY should I forgive him?

 

You're not giving me any reasons why that has to happen.

 

Again...a BS has to forgive their WS if they want to continue the marriage. And they've normally had a long standing bond of love between them.

 

OM and I have no "bond" of any kind. Nor do I have a REASON to forgive him. I don't owe him anything, nor does he have any kind of "rights" when it comes to my wife, my family, or anything pertaining to them.

 

WHY should he be forgiven and given the PRIVILEDGE of being treated like a family member or friend, when his only contribution to things was to attempt the destruction of my marriage?

[boldjack]

Meagan, You are entitled to your opinion, wrong though it may be. A funeral is for the family, friends and acquaintances, of the deceased to express their grief and to show sympathy and respect to the immediate family. To have the adulterous sex partner attend would be the most insulting thing imaginable. She/he had NO respect for the family in life, I can't fathom any good person doing this in time of death. The ow/om is just as guilty of dishonor as the deceased mw/mm. The family's wishes count for everything, the ow/om's count for nothing.

[MeaganRaye]

It also takes a special kind of heart to be able to feel empathy for someone and NOT screw their spouse. Most of us have it.

If your husband/wife is unhappy they would have found someone else to fulfilled them. you can't keep pinning this on the OM/OW.

[NoIDidn't]

Okay, time to pull out something from the personal archives.

 

My grandmother was the OW long ago. Had FIVE children by the MM.

 

He died in the 90s. His first W died, and he married on of his other OWs. One that knew about my grandmother and her children.

 

My mother and her siblings went to his funeral. My grandmother took the trip with them, but decided not to attend the funeral because she didn't want to cause the family further distress.

 

Now, I'm of the mind that my mother shouldn't have gone either considering she hated the man and he NEVER did a damn thing for her - not even acknowledged her. But I think my grandmother did the right thing.

 

My mother and her siblings told me of the stares and jeers they were given just for showing up. They look painfully like all his other children. No one wanted them there. And its a VERY small town in the country so EVERYONE knew who they were. Very uncomfortable for them, I'm sure. I refused to go. Even though he was my *biological* grandfather.

 

But at least my grandmother reclaimed some of her dignity by not going through with that mess. Before he died, he visited grandma to tell her that he was terminal. Maybe that's why she decided against going. <shrugs shoulders>

[jj33]

Why does everything come down to he didnt love the OP "enough"? Does that really give you great satisfaction?

 

If a WS loved the BS "enough" he/she wouldnt cheat in the first place.

 

Why does it always have to come down to that sort of competition?

[herenow]

BTW, the OW isn't a part of my life, I have no idea who she it. I have never met her, I have never spoke to her, I don't owe her anything and I have no reason to forgive her because she didn't do anything to me. She is not welcome to any family gathering even my H's funeral no matter how much she may have loved him (or not, I have no idea). Not my problem, just like I wasn't her problem while she was having sex with my H. She is a non-entity to me as I am to her.

[MeaganRaye]

Again...WHY should I forgive him?

 

You're not giving me any reasons why that has to happen.

 

Again...a BS has to forgive their WS if they want to continue the marriage. And they've normally had a long standing bond of love between them.

 

OM and I have no "bond" of any kind. Nor do I have a REASON to forgive him. I don't owe him anything, nor does he have any kind of "rights" when it comes to my wife, my family, or anything pertaining to them.

 

WHY should he be forgiven and given the PRIVILEDGE of being treated like a family member or friend, when his only contribution to things was to attempt the destruction of my marriage?

 

Your marriage was already on destruction or already destructed by the time the OM was in the picture. Why else would your wife look for sex/love elsewhere? I know it's easy to blame to OP but really, you need some self actualization.

[NoIDidn't]

I read this book by a singer named Faith Evans, she was married to rapper Notorious BIG, she invited his OW to grieve at his funeral. So not everyone views it in the same manner as you and a few other posters. They can put everything aside

 

LOL. Its great that you do a lot of reading, but you are not taking the relevant parts of the story and applying them.

 

Biggie was MURDERED AND he was a FAMOUS entertainer. Half of the women their were probably his OW at some point. His funeral was highly publicized. And it was so full and overflowing that Faith wouldn't have known if the woman was there or not.

 

Now, THIS is funny.

[bentnotbroken]

You haven't really gotten over what happened then if you can't let go..that means letting go and forgiving the OW/OM as well.

 

They love him/her too.

 

I guess everyone is different.

 

 

 

I don't know what Bible you have been reading, but this is a load of cow pies. No where does it say that forgiveness requires a BS to make an AP more comfortable or extend a hand of charity. Forgiveness only requires that the person doing the forgiveness let go of the need to punish, the need to carry on a vendetta or the need to hold the AP to a different standard than they hold anyone else. It is the Lord's job to deal with the AP and forgiveness gives leaves that power in His hands.

 

 

Check out for yourself:http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/What_is_forgiveness.htm

[herenow]

If a WS loved the BS "enough" he/she wouldn't cheat in the first place.

 

I agree. I don't think the MM loves either woman at all when he is engaged in an affair. Who wants that kind of love?