If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

[bentnotbroken]

I would most definitely go to my MM's funeral. We have been friends and coworkers for almost as long as he's been married. We only started our affair in the last year. Since we work together nobody would know any different.

 

But it sounds like you all are assuming he has kids. My MM has no kids.

 

 

Kids or no kids, it is already disrespectful enough to be humpin a MP, but to add insult to injury by feeling it is a right to be present when one says good bye is Going to a funeral home before a service, I can see, but a service, again:sick:

[desertmoon]

This really did have this situation happen in our family. My aunt found out about our uncles' long term A when our grandmother died. There was a flower there that said from the other grandchildren and this woman came with 2 children. Imagine the shock we all had. Some of knew there was OW, but not children. My aunt was devastated, they had been married over 30 years. She chose to stay for their own children, she has stood by him through cancer, kidney disease and breathing problems, but you can damn well bet, if the ow shows up at his funeral, there will be more than one corpse there at the end of the service.

 

You seem to always talk about violence being inflicted on somebody...is your family really that physical/violent?

[bentnotbroken]

You seem to always talk about violence being inflicted on somebody...is your family really that physical/violent?

 

 

Yes.

[MizzBlue72]

Come on!!!

BS should NOT be posting on here ... period.

This is supposed to be support for people who have FOUND THEMSELVES (NOT THEIR SPOUSES) involved with a committed partner!!!

 

Move on already .......

 

As for the MM - YES.

I believe that if 2 CONSENTING ADULTS agree to have sex -

YES.

They both are allowed to go to the funeral.

[bentnotbroken]

Come on!!!

BS should NOT be posting on here ... period.

This is supposed to be support for people who have FOUND THEMSELVES (NOT THEIR SPOUSES) involved with a committed partner!!!

 

Move on already .......

 

As for the MM - YES.

I believe that if 2 CONSENTING ADULTS agree to have sex -

YES.

They both are allowed to go to the funeral.

 

 

If you don't care for the opinions of others, why don't you move on already......

[Mr. Lucky]

I believe that if 2 CONSENTING ADULTS agree to have sex -YES. They both are allowed to go to the funeral.

What does previous sexual relations have to do with respect for the grieving wife and kids?

 

Mr. Lucky

[bentnotbroken]

Exactly, show some class. It's not like he would sit up and say she can come in, we had sex.

[Athena]

I am a BW and my H has spoken before about funerals... I get the impression that they mean a lot to him, and that for him (now maybe this is due to his narcissistic traits) it is important that a lot of people show up at his funeral... so... the fact that I know of 8 OW in his life, if I saw any or all of them at his funeral (and I know what most of them look like) I would know that it would be respecting HIS wishes that he has his 'friends', colleagues, etc there to put on a show for him in their numbers.

 

I would accept their presence. I would not like it, but accept it. I would not phone them, nor 'invite' them, but I also wouldn't allow anyone to kick them out. After all, it would be my H's funeral.... right? I am respecting his wishes by allowing people who had some significance in his life (even his ONS) to attend... <shrug> maybe I am too respectful, or just so far 'over' him at this point, I don't rightly know.

 

Edited to add: Perhaps it also makes a difference that my H has worked at many different places in the world, and I haven't met a lot of his colleagues and a lot of people out there like my H and would certainly make the effort to be at his funeral. So, it's not like we live in a small town where we all know who 'should' be there and who 'shouldn't'...

[wildsoul]

I am a BW and my H has spoken before about funerals...

Athena, that's very accepting of you. But in your case, these are xOW and you already know there were many. How would you feel if you didn't know your H had an OW to begin with, especially if she was a current one?

 

A friend of mine had an A many years ago. They broke up, but remained dear friends. At some point, he got divorced and remarried someone else. Although he had an affair, he sounded like a good guy. All 3 women were at the funeral, and all three got along. But it was the fact that the overlaps of affairs and jealousy had long ago healed.

[Athena]

After all, with the second last OW whom he 'fell in love with' he doesn't have 'anything against her' and 'actually quite likes her' still, even though he doesn't love her now.

She has been dating his buddy for the past year, and she is now engaged to that other guy. So, if she turned up at my H's funeral, I KNOW my hubby wouldn't have minded at all... why would I kick up a fuss? Granted... if I meet her at another time, one of these months, I might (dunno!!) smack her in her chops... but since I haven't ever done that to any of his OW, nor hurt them in any way (and believe me I am a good enough detective to find out a lot about them), why would I hurt her now? She did the damage and moved on to another ex-pat with money, this time a single man who Would commit to her.

 

She is a sorry excuse for being a homewrecker, but hey -- she has done me a favor... he absolutely is NOT husband material, and I see that clearly... I have given him ample opportunities/chances to change his ways, but the man is a firm believer in what he is entitled to, cuz he's 'special'

[Athena]

Athena, that's very accepting of you. But in your case, these are xOW and you already know there were many. How would you feel if you didn't know your H had an OW to begin with, especially if she was a current one?

 

Yes, perhaps that has something to do with it, Wildsoul -- they are all ex OW (despite the most recent one being last month)... and if he had died after D-Day # 2 (years ago, hmm year 2000 when I was devastated by the news of 3 OW, one long-term) then I would have behaved differently, I guess...hmm... lemme think... actually, I KNOW my H highly respects funerals and makes an effort to attend people's funerals to pay his last respects... so knowing that about him, and loving him, and knowing he would WANT many people there at his funeral... I guess I just might concede... even if they were current OW... although if I HADN'T known about her, my temper might have come out unexpectedly ... it is SO hard to guess the 'what ifs' but what I can confidently say is that if my H died tomorrow, I would allow their presence. That's all I can say with certainty.

As for how I might have behaved years ago, I don't exactly know... probably I have 'matured' in my less judgmental aspect of looking at my H. I see his flaws and accept that he still has good parts to him. I encourage our children and his family members to treat him the same and love him (his family completely backs me up and wished I had divorced him years ago... I love them, and they love me too). But they know, because I have told them, that I don't want them to 'pick sides'.

 

It's kinda obvious that what H does is wrong.

We don't have 'issues' with each other that would lead to him having affairs... its just he creates the opportunities and carries them out, because he WANTS to! He is not 'normal' in that way, and you know what? If I told him this (that he's not normal) he would probably be pleased. He likes to think that he is unique.

[White Flower]

And everyone completely ignored the question regarding if the MM should attend the OW's funeral if she died. Everyone was jumping down my back about if the OW attended the MM's funeral..well what about her, should he attend if the OW died?

Hey MeaganRaye, sorry to join this thread late. Your subject jumped out at me as one that I hashed over with exMM many times.

 

We were not in the same circle so I was concerned as to how I'd be notified should something happen to him. Him being older and likely to die before me, his having a contact for me was important. The contact and I spoke only once and he was given my phone number. We even discussed having the contact take me to the funeral but never at length and I doubt I would have gone through with it as I was always concerned the BW would wonder who I was and I couldn't let her be hurt more than she already was. Yet, I yearned to be there among his friends and the people who loved him most. He always made me feel close to them through the stories he told.

 

He always swore that he would be at my funeral if I went first and that he would tell everyone that I was the love of his life. That would have been shocking to everyone! I think it was more an idea in his heart but probably not very realistic.

 

Your thread is very thought provoking and I'm disappointed there aren't more OW/MM talking here.

[bentnotbroken]

Athena, you are a gem. I don't possess your grace. Your classiness is admirable.

[OWoman]

You're splitting hairs. And you know it.

 

Of course no one sends invitations to a funeral. But usually they do call those that were important in the life of the deceased or point them to the obits so that they know when and where the funeral is.

 

That, would be an invitation.

 

I guess things are done a little differently in the US. Back home, no one read newspapers much (they were so awful) so there'd be no point placing an obit, and here in the UK there are so many and in any family someone will read the Mail, someone else the Times, we read the Guardian, others read the Daily Express, some just read the local papers and others only watch the TV. That's why there's email but mostly, being a sensitive occasion, we use the phone. The immediacy of the personal contact is important, the reconnecting with "lost" family and the conveying of support in a warm, sincere way.

[MeaganRaye]

Your thread is very thought provoking and I'm disappointed there aren't more OW/MM talking here.

 

Thank you:)

 

I don't think there are that many OM/OW who post here since some of the regulars are very judgemental and chase them away.

[bentnotbroken]

You asked for opinions and you got them. How is that judgement. You seem to assume that we as humans don't judge everyday. You just did it in your previous post.

[Spark1111]

In all honesty, I have tried to gain understanding of his affair and the OW in my attempts to truly heal and move past the devastation of betrayal. I have wriiten a letter, never sent, and posted it here under the title, "Dear Other Woman."

 

It would be extremely hard to have her show up at his funeral, not so much for me anymore, but for the friends and family who HAVE NOT forgiven her, my grown children especially. They are indelibly scarred by witnessing a sobbing mother who could not function for many, many months after DDay. They were talked out of marching onto her doorstep by me.

 

They are still reeling from her attendance at their grandfather's (my husband's father) funeral, uninvited, under the guise of "work colleague" before DDAY. When everyone discovered she had been there, they were outraged.

 

I could control my own actions because of where I am in the healing process, but cannot account for anyone else's.

 

So I guess, out of respect to my chldren, his children, I would hope she'd have enough class to NOT attend, regardless of what her feelings may have been for him.

[bentnotbroken]

I have gone back and read most of your posts MR, and I now understand that posting a provocative question is part of what you do and then crying attacked when the responses aren't what you want to hear.

 

From a number of your posts, it appears you have limited life experience, a dysfunctional background with your parents, and a very naive view of the of the real world. Your questions on penetration, and looks and so many other life experience things, says you need to experience life, not daydream about it. And as far as a MM, I really believe you are in a fantasy world and you are only daydreaming about him too. Have you considered therapy?

[taylor]

It's so funny. My IC and I were talking about this in session just a couple weeks ago.

 

I told her if my OM ever got a terminal illness, or if his children did, I would definately want to know. But who would tell me?

 

I talk from time to time with his best friend with absolutely no mention of the OM in any conversation (it's understood). The thought crossed my mind to ask him if he would be willing to let me know if anything like this ever came to pass. But I haven't brought it up. Still sitting on the fence about it.

 

I told my MC I would definately want to attend his funeral or the funeral of his children heaven forbid anything like that would happen.

 

Perhaps not quite as out of line as the OM is a single man.

 

If he was a married man, I think I would do everything in my power to stay away from the entire event...the hospital stay, calling hours, funeral. Out of respect for his family. I believe it would be selfish of me to indulge in my own grief at the expense of his family's grief. IMO, calling hours are for people to comfort surviving family members in time of need. Since I would not be a source of comfort to the family I should not be there. I can pay my respects anytime.

 

I would have to grieve for him at his graveside with no one else present. I think once a soul is laid to rest, it belongs to the world. I would not feel any disrespect to the family if I sat graveside, being mindful not to be present when they were.

 

Being as I am the married one, more issue would be with my spouse as to how he would feel about me attending the funeral of an affair partner or even visiting graveside.

 

Not sure how he would react to my request. And not quite sure how I would react if he tried to forbid it.

 

It would certainly bring ultimate closure to the affair for everyone.

[MeaganRaye]

I have gone back and read most of your posts MR, and I now understand that posting a provocative question is part of what you do and then crying attacked when the responses aren't what you want to hear.

 

From a number of your posts, it appears you have limited life experience, a dysfunctional background with your parents, and a very naive view of the of the real world. Your questions on penetration, and looks and so many other life experience things, says you need to experience life, not daydream about it. And as far as a MM, I really believe you are in a fantasy world and you are only daydreaming about him too. Have you considered therapy?

 

If you don't like my topic discussions than don't read them. It's as simple as that.

[bentnotbroken]

If you don't like my topic discussions than don't read them. It's as simple as that.

 

 

Has nothing to do with your topics. I just understand your rationale a lot better and I can put you and your posts in proper context.

[MeaganRaye]

Has nothing to do with your topics. I just understand your rationale a lot better and I can put you and your posts in proper context.

You're being rude and what you said has nothing to do with the topic at all.

[bentnotbroken]

How am I being rude? If you tell me what you found rude, I will do my best to not repeat it. That was never my intent, and I am sorry if you find my assessement of your motives offensive. I just stated what I saw and it is after all an opinion. Apparently it hit a nerve, since you haven't responeded to any of my other posts. Feel free to ignore me again. I just found your posts facinating and they explained a lot to me. Again my apologies.

[Owl]

It's so funny. My IC and I were talking about this in session just a couple weeks ago.

 

I told her if my OM ever got a terminal illness, or if his children did, I would definately want to know. But who would tell me?

 

I talk from time to time with his best friend with absolutely no mention of the OM in any conversation (it's understood). The thought crossed my mind to ask him if he would be willing to let me know if anything like this ever came to pass. But I haven't brought it up. Still sitting on the fence about it.

 

I told my MC I would definately want to attend his funeral or the funeral of his children heaven forbid anything like that would happen.

 

Perhaps not quite as out of line as the OM is a single man.

 

If he was a married man, I think I would do everything in my power to stay away from the entire event...the hospital stay, calling hours, funeral. Out of respect for his family. I believe it would be selfish of me to indulge in my own grief at the expense of his family's grief. IMO, calling hours are for people to comfort surviving family members in time of need. Since I would not be a source of comfort to the family I should not be there. I can pay my respects anytime.

 

I would have to grieve for him at his graveside with no one else present. I think once a soul is laid to rest, it belongs to the world. I would not feel any disrespect to the family if I sat graveside, being mindful not to be present when they were.

 

Being as I am the married one, more issue would be with my spouse as to how he would feel about me attending the funeral of an affair partner or even visiting graveside.

 

Not sure how he would react to my request. And not quite sure how I would react if he tried to forbid it.

 

It would certainly bring ultimate closure to the affair for everyone.

 

Taylor, does your H know how you feel on this subject? Would he be comfortable with you attending OM's funeral and graveside?

[Owl]

On the subject of my wife (fWS) attending fOM's funeral...no.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with it in any fashion. I wouldn't support her choice to attend at all. I'd be deeply offended and wounded by her choice to go (if that's what she decided). Frankly...this could be a "deal breaker" on our marriage, IMHO.

 

NC for life means NC for HER life as well as his. Attending his funeral would be horribly disrespectful to me personally and our marriage in general.

 

I would understand that she'd grieve at the idea of his passing...but I would not be comfortable with any kind of PUBLIC display of this.

 

Given that he lives in another state on the other side of the country, and that there is NO contact of any kind, nor do I think that any of his friends/family would have a clue on how to inform her of his passing...I'm not all that worried about this happening.