If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

[Dexter Morgan]

Come on!!!

BS should NOT be posting on here ... period.

This is supposed to be support for people who have FOUND THEMSELVES (NOT THEIR SPOUSES) involved with a committed partner!!!

 

ah, but its ok for your ilk to be posting in the infidelity section. hmm...think I'll start a thread about that.

[John Who]

I take it then you did not have a friendship with your OW?

 

And if you did, how do you forget a friendship within a couple of months?

 

Why send flowers in the midst of the affair, but not afterwards? Why feel sad in the midst of the affair, but not in a few short months after the affair? Do your feelings really come and go that quickly? If so, would you say your feelings for the OW were so superficial that they would dissipate the day after the affair ended?

 

I didn't know human beings were capable of turning their feelings on and off that fast. Truly, I didn't know.

 

I guess, then, the answer to this question depends on how deeply a person's feelings were for the OP or how much your relationship meant at the time of the affair. Would that be fair to say?

 

How do you think your OW would have felt if it had been your death? What would she do..not do?

 

**I apologize for assuming too much in my post above with reference to you..your feelings..the flowers.

 

 

Just because we had a affair does not mean we have a bond for life,does not mean we are going to remain friends.

 

It's not like she was my W the mother of my kids now that is a bond for life,my mother my father brothers,sisters,those are bonds for life.

 

You do not have to be a special person in order to be a ow/om.

 

OW and I did have a friendship before A in fact we knew each other for several years before we had the A,still does not mean we have or had a bond,you ever hear that sayinf friends come and go,well in most cases so do OW/OM.

 

If she felt the same way about me I would not care.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Does it really come down to bonds or appropriate boundaries???

 

After spending fifteen years with my ex husband, and our extended families becoming one, I can say with mixed feelings that he was (and will always be) a very important and significant part of my memories and past life.

 

However, I could not see myself attending his funeral, even with our daughter... out of respect for his current wife and family. Their are just some situations that demand we set aside our own self-serving agendas and exercise some manners and tack on behalf of others.

 

Exercising “tack” doesn’t always come easy for me... but this would absolutely qualify as one of those situations where everyone else’s feelings must come before my own. I would simply express my sympathies to his immediate relatives by sending flowers in behalf of my entire family rather than making a more personal gesture of bereavement and risk making his widow and her family feel awkward at such an emotionally charged time.

 

I don’t really see how attending the funeral of an affair partner would be any different. If anything, it requires even MORE prudence in light of the existential circumstances. Better to visit his/her gravesite at a more private time to pay your respects, have a good cry, or find whatever closure you think you need.

[Lizzie60]

Hum.. I have to disagree about an ex though... If my first ex would die, he's the father of my son .. I would definitely attend the funeral.. eventhough he's now with someone....

 

I know she would understand... I would do it for my children..

[Owl]

I'd have no issue if my wife's ex-husband showed up at the funeral...although I'd be darned curious about why he'd bother, given that he's had nothing to do with her for >20 years.

 

Their relationship was an honorable one, that didn't in any fashion detract from the one that her and I shared.

[taylor]

Just because we had a affair does not mean we have a bond for life,does not mean we are going to remain friends.

 

It's not like she was my W the mother of my kids now that is a bond for life,my mother my father brothers,sisters,those are bonds for life.

 

You do not have to be a special person in order to be a ow/om.

 

OW and I did have a friendship before A in fact we knew each other for several years before we had the A,still does not mean we have or had a bond,you ever hear that sayinf friends come and go,well in most cases so do OW/OM.

 

If she felt the same way about me I would not care.

 

I appreciate your honest and candid replies, John.

 

I was friends with the OM for only a year. But in that time I grew to care for him and about what happened to him. In some ways, I guess, I was HIS knight in shining armor. So, in my case, because of the nature of the relationship, I would be affected by his death..I would care about the fact that he died. It would bother me, especially knowing he would be leaving two children with no parents and would have died fairly young.

 

I have no desire to be friends with him now and I don't consider us friends. I look back now at the relationship as a friendship that went a little too far...got a little too close. We backed off and the whole thing ended amicably. If he had died just a few months after the affair ended, I would have been not only sad, but upset...not because I had an EA with this man..but because I had once called him friend.

 

Friends do come and go and I think as time goes on, the bond weakens to the point of non-existence. But it takes time to weaken a bond, especially if it ran deep. It doesn't happen overnight.

 

You know, husbands and wives come and go, too. As do cohabitating partners. Some can move on fairly quickly after divorce, others can't. Again, I think it depends on the depth of the bond.

 

I was just a little surprised that your bond with the OW could break within a matter of a couple months, especially since you were friends. I wish I could have done it that easily. That's all.

[taylor]

TAlk about appropriate boundaries...

 

I have a family member who sued his own mother...a truly embroiled battle..lots of emotional abuse and heartache...

 

When the mother died, he showed up at the funeral. Everyone was appalled, but didn't stop him. It was extremely incomfortable for everyone.

 

Guess who cried the loudest at that funeral?

[taylor]

You do not have to be a special person in order to be a ow/om.

 

No, but MM often treat their OW's better than their wives and take time and energy from their wives to give to their OW's in an effort to make their OW feel special.

 

In the end, neither the OW or the wife feels very special.

[Adunaphel]

Do you ever wonder if something tragic were to happen to the MM, (critical or fatal car accident, murder, illness) do you know if anyone will be able to contact you so you can visit him or even attend the funeral?

 

Hoping this is NOT going to happen, I have asked MM to give my phone number to his best friend, just in case.

 

Say if you died, do you think MM would attend your funeral or burial?

 

No idea, I never asked him.

 

I'm just curious because if the relationship is kept secret and something tragic happened it would be awful for either one of you to not be able to give your last respects to one another.

 

Attending his funeral or not if he died would make no difference to me.

But I'd need to know straight away if something bad happened to him, and I'd need the chance to be there for him.

 

Or what if you don't find out until it's too late and they've been dead for months

Now, *this* would be horrible.

I guess that if I did not hear from him for two days I'd start to worry.

After a few days I would call at his workplace, or show up at his parents' door, or even at his own. (his parents would be first choice, they live only 4 hours away and they would prtobably be less upset than his W to see me).

[Athena]

Athena, you are a gem. I don't possess your grace. Your classiness is admirable.

 

Ha ha ha, thank you bent!

 

Actually, I might have different feelings on this subject of attending funerals because when I was 9, my Dad was killed and my Mom didn't allow me and one of my brothers to go to the funeral because we were the young kids. My older sister and brother did go.

The two of us who did not go to the funeral, for years after, did not fully 'believe/understand' his death, and had recurrent dreams where we 'found' him to be alive.

 

Sometimes we would 'look for him in a crowd' (both of us did this, only found out years and years later that we had done this!).

 

I somehow don't like the idea of denying anyone the opportunity to say their goodbyes and pay their last respects to someone that has passed away.

[Athena]

Athena is a gem..... and you know what Athena... how about a big party for the W and all the OWs.. after.. to cheer for the ba*tard..

 

LOL! :lmao: -- now that's a good idea! Together with his first Wife, his first marriage's 5 OW, me, and this marriage's 8 OW, that makes 15 women!

He would hate that thought... gotta tell him about my plans next time I phone him -- :lmao: He'd be afraid we'd badmouth him! lol

[Lizzie60]

bottom line: the MM has no idea whether you're attending or not..

 

The best way to deal with this. IMO.. is to tell him how much you'll miss him.. that you might not be able to go.. yadayada..

[John Who]

I appreciate your honest and candid replies, John.

 

I was friends with the OM for only a year. But in that time I grew to care for him and about what happened to him. In some ways, I guess, I was HIS knight in shining armor. So, in my case, because of the nature of the relationship, I would be affected by his death..I would care about the fact that he died. It would bother me, especially knowing he would be leaving two children with no parents and would have died fairly young.

 

I have no desire to be friends with him now and I don't consider us friends. I look back now at the relationship as a friendship that went a little too far...got a little too close. We backed off and the whole thing ended amicably. If he had died just a few months after the affair ended, I would have been not only sad, but upset...not because I had an EA with this man..but because I had once called him friend.

 

Friends do come and go and I think as time goes on, the bond weakens to the point of non-existence. But it takes time to weaken a bond, especially if it ran deep. It doesn't happen overnight.

 

You know, husbands and wives come and go, too. As do cohabitating partners. Some can move on fairly quickly after divorce, others can't. Again, I think it depends on the depth of the bond.

 

I was just a little surprised that your bond with the OW could break within a matter of a couple months, especially since you were friends. I wish I could have done it that easily. That's all.

 

Yes you are right H and W come and go as well,but what I was trying to say is if they have kids togther they stay bonded forever.

 

Every situation is not the same,its easy for some people to get over things and not so easy for others,true as time goes by,you become less interested in that person you move on.

 

My personal opinion if my relationship was over with ow,time goes by she passes away,No I would not attend funeral,would I think about our time we once had yes it would cross my mind.

 

She was not disposable to me,she just was not the woman I loved,but she is a woman like every who deserves to find love it just was not with me, nor could I give it to her.

[ForumFool]

If you are invited to go...sure go but odds are nobody in the family and friends circle would ask you....male or female to come to the funeral or the wake. Funerals (even the pastor or priest) are also paid for by the family.....You;d be a party crasher of sorts... In fact most A's are hidden and the OW/OM are a secret from the family BY THE MM/MW so they didn't want you to intrude on that family back when they were alive why would they want this at their funeral. It's so Jerry Springer. Sending flowers would be so tacky as they go to the family..they do not bury the flowers WITH the dead MM /MW

It would be really bad if some OM /OW went to the hospital and blew the A into the light causing the death of the very ill MM/MW ...BUT I guess it never hurts to ask and share contacts in case...I just find it tacky...I could grieve without being there.....the hospital would be hard but if he wanted to see me.....would I be a secret?

[blinded]

Personally, I know that I would NOT go to his funeral. First, our relationship is so secret that I wouldn't even know if something were to happen to him. I would just assume the worst. We have completely different circles of friends and by the time I figured out what had happened to him, it would be too late. Would I go to the gravesite to grieve? I know I would want to, and if I get the nerve up I probably would. My soon to be MM would not want his reputation tarnished even in death by having me show up, and I wouldn't want to disrespect him. I wouldn't want his family hurting any more than necessary. I am his dirty little secret and it would be kept that way when he's gone.

 

 

My personal opinion if my relationship was over with ow,time goes by she passes away,No I would not attend funeral,would I think about our time we once had yes it would cross my mind.

 

She was not disposable to me,she just was not the woman I loved,but she is a woman like every who deserves to find love it just was not with me, nor could I give it to her.

 

 

Your posts sound very matter of fact and unemotional. I guess that's why they say men and women differ. It's nice to hear these views as it helps to keep things in perspective and know that I probably matter less to him than he does to me. I know he wouldn't go to mine. Would he think about me? I hope so. But thoughts like yours helps me to smarten up and take smaller steps to ending my A.

[Lizzie60]

You know, Owl posed a good question - one that asks, basically, "if someone did you wrong (like a BS feels an AP has done), sneaking about uninvited into your house (like a BS feels an AP has done w/their marriage) and stealing from you, what would you do if you saw them lurking in your neighborhood?" And instead of simply answering the question, you threw it back in his face, accusing him of viewing his wife like a piece of property. That was NOT the main crux of his point, and you know it. But I think we all know the answer would be that you would NOT welcome a burglar back into your neighborhood with open arms, which is exactly why you did NOT post an answer.

 

 

I think she answered Owl.. saying the OW is NOT a burglar... she didn't steal anything.. we need to compare oranges with oranges.. not burglars with OWs ...

[Owl]

Thanks Donna...that was the point I was trying to make.

 

And you can extend it a little further too. In this case we're talking about OW/OM attending a deceased WS's funeral.

 

Everyone attending probably forgave the WS for their part in the affair...as I've said, that's something that HAS to happen in order for the family/marriage/etc... to heal and reconcile.

 

But...why would they have any reason to extend that same thing out to the OM/OW? Not just the BS, btw, but imagine if there were adult children for example, who knew about the affair. What possible reason would THEY have to tolerate the OW/OM's presence at the funeral?

 

Just because that person meant something to the WS at one time doesn't mean that they'd be welcomed or even tolerated...given their contribution to the potential disruption and destruction of the marriage and family.

 

It would be plain silly to expect that anyone would accept the OW/OM showing up at the funeral.

 

And this is all assuming that the affair had already ended before all of this.

 

Imagine if it HADN'T?!?!

 

The OW/OM showing up would be even MORE devestating/disrespectful/disruptive.

 

If the OW/OM wanted to "honor the memory" of their deceased affair partner...wouldn't it be MORE respectful to that memory if they didn't show up to stir up havoc at this point? If they wanted to honor their "secret relationship"...then it would make sense to do it "in secret", yes?

 

Unless they were trying to make some sort of public statement..."I was his OW, and I'm proud of that"...and if that's their goal, it's certainly not appropriate at a funeral, no?

[Owl]

I think she answered Owl.. saying the OW is NOT a burglar... she didn't steal anything.. we need to compare oranges with oranges.. not burglars with OWs ...

 

Lizzie...you HAVE to think that way in order to convince yourself that sleeping with all those husbands is ok.

 

Trust me...the vast majority of other people out there DO see the comparison of an OW/OM to a "thief in the night".

 

You don't/cant, because you don't want to see yourself as doing anything wrong.

[Owl]

Nope. I'm comfy here.

 

And again Lizzie...I felt this way about cheating in general WAY before it ever occurred in my own life.

 

It's not a result of what I went through...what I went through simply reinforced what was already there.

 

Here's the thing Lizzie...I don't have a real issue with someone who gets into a relationship that's a mistake. But I don't have much respect for someone who clearly chooses to ignore the impacts of their actions on others...someone who intentionally and deliberately seeks out married men.

 

I like a number of the OW/OM here...and former WS's too. Stamp is a great example. And when someone posts who truly needs/wants real help in working through their relationships...I'm always glad to help where I can, which really is the main reason I like to "hang out" on LS.

[Owl]

another attempt to derail the question.

 

The BS felt the AP did something wrong to them.

 

The person stolen from feels the burglar did something wrong to them.

 

Get it now?

 

I'd add in..."The person who was wronged will never be comfortable in the presence of the person that they feel wronged them, and it's unreasonable to expect anything different."

 

But...we all know you can't convince someone to see something that they don't want to see.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think a person can be stolen, but the peace and sanctity of a family can be stolen. An AP showing up at a funeral steals the sanctity of a family's final good-bye to their loved one. It shows total disregard for the family's grief in order to satisfy one's own need to have their needs supersede that of the actual family.

[Owl]

Here's an interesting counter-question for everyone...

 

Would it be wrong for the BS to attend the OW/OM's funeral, and why/why not?

[2sure]

Would it be wrong for the BS to attend the OW/OM's funeral, and why/why not?

 

It wouldnt be wrong so much as difficult, what with the handcuffs and all.

[Dexter Morgan]

Here's an interesting counter-question for everyone...

 

Would it be wrong for the BS to attend the OW/OM's funeral, and why/why not?

 

would it be wrong? oh I believe so. A BS can despise the OM/OW, and rightfully so. They are completely justified.

 

But if they are dead, whats the point? I would think the BS would see the OW/OM as not worthy of the effort, no matter what the reason they would want to attend.

 

if someone came to tell me, "hey, you know that guy your wife cheated on you with?...well he is dead"...my response would be..."and...???"

[bentnotbroken]

I wouldn't go because I wouldn't want to make her family feel uncomfortable or upset them. They know who I am and what happened, so the answer is a definite know.