If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

[White Flower]

They've known each other an entire 5 months or so and only met in person once.

 

And no, I absolutely would not go to her funeral. It would be disrespectful.

 

The tough question for me is whether I would even attend his funeral. Because I have young children with him, I probably would for their sake, but I'd also see if his mom was interested in taking them. The connection between us is good and severed, and I'm not sure I feel enough of an attachment anymore to mourn him. 'Course, god forbid it did happen, I reserve the right to change my mind. Emotions are funny that way.

He's only been in a affair for 5 months, only seen her once, and you can't save the M? I know for some people it is all or nothing, but perhaps you can work through this? Sorry for T/J.

[boldjack]

The ow/om's "closure", is only important to the ow/om. They have no "rights" , of any kind , that the family of the deceased are, in any way, bound to respect. If the ow/om want to pay their respects to the deceased, they should go to the gravesite after the funeral or burial has taken place and the family and friends have left.

[Intricategirl]

He's only been in a affair for 5 months, only seen her once, and you can't save the M? I know for some people it is all or nothing, but perhaps you can work through this? Sorry for T/J.

 

I don't want to. I cannot honestly say that I want things to work out between them. I hope their entire relationship is shot to hell. BUT, I don't want him back. I hope that after things end between them he does find a nice girl to marry (I just have difficulty rooting for the OW, you know). This man had more emotional affairs than I can count. Every 2-3 years like clockwork. The first few, he was dead convinced that he was bisexual or even gay, and yet if you ask him today whether he is, he'd totally deny it. The fact is, he doesn't have a clue what he wants. He's weak and pathetic, and he can be somebody else's problem.

 

And yeah, I believe I could have told him to go on his trip, have an affair, get it out of his system and come home. I did many times in the past. But why would I fight for that?? If their relationship ends up working out, so be it. I can stomach the thought of that more than I can him coming home. I want a man who actually has some idea what he wants, can express it, and acts on it.

[bentnotbroken]

Depends on the motivation. Most people attend funerals to grieve the loss of someone they were emotionally attached to or go to support others who were emotionally attached to the deceased.

 

I wouldn't go to my exH's ex affair partner's funeral unless my children were invited and they needed my support. Otherwise, I would not miss her nor mourn her loss.

 

 

AAHHH, a woman after my own heart.

[White Flower]

AAHHH, a woman after my own heart.

I've always been after your heart, sweetie;)

[GreenEyedLady]

And to help others understand who the question was directed to I'll repost the OP:

 

If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

Do you ever wonder if something tragic were to happen to the MM, (critical or fatal car accident, murder, illness) do you know if anyone will be able to contact you so you can visit him or even attend the funeral? Surely if its a secret, the wife or the children or any of the family wont know you so they can't contact you

Say if you died, do you think MM would attend your funeral or burial?

 

I'm just curious because if the relationship is kept secret and something tragic happened it would be awful for either one of you to not be able to give your last respects to one another. Or what if you don't find out until it's too late and they've been dead for months

 

Clearly MR was speaking to OWs about MM and vice versa. I appreciate comments from all, as I enjoy hearing about all perspectives of situations but I do wonder why this thread is lacking in posts from OWs.

 

Did any OW reading this have a plan in motion for such an event?

 

John Who's statement about his exOW being a skeleten in the closet threw me. That he loved her enough (or maybe just told her that) to have a relationship with her but not enough to see her through closure and his death. I should call exMM and ask him if he agrees.

 

WF:

 

You get my point...

 

I read through the forum and here is a question that MOST OW will never deal with in reality, only in the hypothetical.

 

And most say that it is inappropriate, so on and so forth.

 

Yet it is not inappropriate to have a R with a MM? And suddenly we care what the BS thinks when he's dead?

 

And we act as if we are a dirty secret...And we don't DESERVE to pay our respects.

 

In my opinion this is a reason why MM don't leave. If we don't think we're worth it, guess what? HE WON'T EITHER.

 

And I wasn't talking about crashing the funeral, announcing who you are etc. Alot of BS's have no idea who the OW is and unless there was a d-day, most OW would be pretty safe from being unveiled.

 

I guess it just galls me that OW decide ahead of time how they should be treated and they choose to be treated as less than a person.

 

And they're so much more....

[White Flower]

The ow/om's "closure", is only important to the ow/om. They have no "rights" , of any kind , that the family of the deceased are, in any way, bound to respect. If the ow/om want to pay their respects to the deceased, they should go to the gravesite after the funeral or burial has taken place and the family and friends have left.

I actually agree, and would not go unless there was a fool proof plan to ensure nobody noticed my presence or got hurt. Still, I think I would probably visit the grave later...when I knew it would be safe to break down.

 

BJ, I don't know if your W knows you post here so don't know if you can answer openly. But would you visit the grave of an OW you were once in love with? I suppose it would have been better to ask you if you were currently in love with an OW. Chances are if you were ever in love with any of them you are certainly over it now. Still, it would be nice to know.

[White Flower]

WF:

 

You get my point...

 

I read through the forum and here is a question that MOST OW will never deal with in reality, only in the hypothetical.

 

And most say that it is inappropriate, so on and so forth.

 

Yet it is not inappropriate to have a R with a MM? And suddenly we care what the BS thinks when he's dead?

 

And we act as if we are a dirty secret...And we don't DESERVE to pay our respects.

 

In my opinion this is a reason why MM don't leave. If we don't think we're worth it, guess what? HE WON'T EITHER.

 

And I wasn't talking about crashing the funeral, announcing who you are etc. Alot of BS's have no idea who the OW is and unless there was a d-day, most OW would be pretty safe from being unveiled.

 

I guess it just galls me that OW decide ahead of time how they should be treated and they choose to be treated as less than a person.

 

And they're so much more....

And this is the reason we NEED to make our concerns heard--that goes for any R. If they care, they'll plan everything with you in mind.

[bentnotbroken]

I've always been after your heart, sweetie;)

 

 

 

OOOOHHHH LA LA:love:

[Owl]

Yet it is not inappropriate to have a R with a MM? And suddenly we care what the BS thinks when he's dead?

 

And we act as if we are a dirty secret...And we don't DESERVE to pay our respects.

 

I would guess that it really depends on how the affair is conducted, GEL.

 

I get your point.

 

Let me ask you this tho...would you honestly expect that it would be "reasonable" to expect the BS and her family to accept the presence of the OW graciously at his funeral???

 

As you said...if you didn't care about how the BS feels while he was alive, why would you when he's dead? So I can see an OW/OM showing up at a funeral, given that viewpoint.

 

But at the same time...why on Earth would you have any expectation of being accepted at the funeral?

 

Would you just show up, and not care about what the impacts to everyone else were? Would you show up with the expectation that you'd be accepted and treated like family/friends?

 

Not calling you out, GEL. Just trying to understand your viewpoint.

[boldjack]

GEL, I would hope that you would have enough self-respect, not to attend. Your presence at an affair being conducted for the benefit of the bereaved family and close friends would, at best, be in incredibly poor taste, and , at worst, mortally insulting, to the family. WF, Yes, my wife is aware of my posting on LS. I have always insisted on complete transparency in our marriage. No, I would not attend the funerals of any of my ex lovers, unless specifically asked to attend, by the ex or by the family.

[Dexter Morgan]

You get major gratification out of blaming the other woman, and never the spouse. Are you a BS by the way?

 

and you get major gratification out of blaming the spouse and always absolving those who sleep with other people's spouses....so whats your point?

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, I would hope that you would have enough self-respect, not to attend. Your presence at an affair being conducted for the benefit of the bereaved family and close friends would, at best, be in incredibly poor taste, and , at worst, mortally insulting, to the family. WF, Yes, my wife is aware of my posting on LS. I have always insisted on complete transparency in our marriage. No, I would not attend the funerals of any of my ex lovers, unless specifically asked to attend, by the ex or by the family.

 

I don't have to worry about attending as the OW-

 

I'm the W now...

[wildsoul]

And suddenly we care what the BS thinks when he's dead?

I think that a grieving widow is at a very vulnerable point and THAT is why it might matter a little bit more at that point.

 

Personally, I have varying shades of okay-ness with affairs.

 

It's one thing to get involved with a MM who's separating, or who's wife is already in an affair of her own, etc.

 

And to me it's quite another to get involved with a MM who's wife is pregnant or at some really vulnerable time in her life.

 

Following that gradiant scale, I see barging in on a grieving family as more rude. It's a compassion issue.

[White Flower]

WF, Yes, my wife is aware of my posting on LS. I have always insisted on complete transparency in our marriage. No, I would not attend the funerals of any of my ex lovers, unless specifically asked to attend, by the ex or by the family.

Just curious since I'm sure there were many OWs in your past; did any of them bring this issue up to you back then? If so, how did you handle it then? Did you steer them away from the subject of attending your funeral?

[GreenEyedLady]

I think that a grieving widow is at a very vulnerable point and THAT is why it might matter a little bit more at that point.

 

Personally, I have varying shades of okay-ness with affairs.

 

It's one thing to get involved with a MM who's separating, or who's wife is already in an affair of her own, etc.

 

And to me it's quite another to get involved with a MM who's wife is pregnant or at some really vulnerable time in her life.

 

Following that gradiant scale, I see barging in on a grieving family as more rude. It's a compassion issue.

 

See it however you want.

 

I see it like this, if you can't attend someone's funeral, should you be sleeping with them?

 

And I find it somewhat hypocritical.

 

Quite frankly it doesn't matter to me, because I'm the W. But I wonder where the real OW are and what they would really say. Because I know quite a few and I don't see wild horses honestly keeping them away. Let's just be real. (And like I previously posted we're talking where the W has no clue and wouldn't know.)

 

But I guess that's what people don't like around here. People being real. People saying I don't really care what you think is right or wrong, this is what I might do. I forgot that the people who aren't afraid to say what they really think, are almost gone. And the majority of the ones who are left and say whatever they want are BS's, in the OW forum no less.

 

There's a reason this forum is here and it's not fulfilling it's mission.

[wildsoul]

See it however you want.

 

I see it like this, if you can't attend someone's funeral, should you be sleeping with them?

Well, it's kind of true that I'm not a real OW, because one of the reasons I INSISTED my xMM become separated in order to date me was this very topic. I couldn't bare the thought that I was a secret and wouldn't know if something happened to him. So the majority of our relationship was after he separated.

 

However, I'm quite sure his W and her family would say that I'm an OW.

[White Flower]

See it however you want.

 

I see it like this, if you can't attend someone's funeral, should you be sleeping with them?

 

And I find it somewhat hypocritical.

 

Quite frankly it doesn't matter to me, because I'm the W. But I wonder where the real OW are and what they would really say. Because I know quite a few and I don't see wild horses honestly keeping them away. Let's just be real. (And like I previously posted we're talking where the W has no clue and wouldn't know.)

 

But I guess that's what people don't like around here. People being real. People saying I don't really care what you think is right or wrong, this is what I might do. I forgot that the people who aren't afraid to say what they really think, are almost gone. And the majority of the ones who are left and say whatever they want are BS's, in the OW forum no less.

 

There's a reason this forum is here and it's not fulfilling it's mission.

I must agree. Perhaps there ought to be an LS just for OWs/OMs/MM/MW?

[boldjack]

Well, good for you, GEL. Being the W has to be easier on the mind ,than being the ow. GEL, why is the opinion of BS's of less value than OW's? Why is their opinion less "real" than the OW's? WF, while there were many OW's who wished that I would have a funeral. None ever actually went so far, as to make plans to attend.

[White Flower]

Well, good for you, GEL. Being the W has to be easier on the mind ,than being the ow. GEL, why is the opinion of BS's of less value than OW's? Why is their opinion less "real" than the OW's? WF, while there were many OW's who wished that I would have a funeral. None ever actually went so far, as to make plans to attend.

Ha ha ha, you made me laugh, BJ!

[Gamine]

As an OW there is the fantasy that your MM isn't sleeping with his wife, isn't intimate with her, doesn't buy her flowers, doesn't take her out, doesn't call her, doesn't tell her that he loves her... well, you get the idea.

 

In order to 'sustain' what he has with you he has to make you believe that the above is true. However, it almost never is true.

 

Unfortunately, the 'truth' is that the OW can be nothing more than recreational activity and the little something on the side that makes him feel important. The OW becomes important because of he 'feeling' he gets from the attention outside of the marriage.

 

So, as an OW there exists the peril that there is a full marriage with love and intimacy and that your involvement is ancillary to the primary relationship. It is not, therefore, necessarily a part of his life, per se.

 

Accordingly, if you are not a part of his legitimate life then it would be inappropriate to expect his wife or family/friends to invite you to a funeral.

 

All MM will tell you that their 'wife doesn't understand them' and that they aren't getting sex at home. How else could he get you to do what you are doing? If you knew that there existed the possibility that he was cuddling with his wife on the couch whispering in her ear telling her how much he loves her... I doubt you'd be there for him on call.

 

So, it probably would be in very bad taste to attend a funeral for a man who would, if he truly loved and was committed to you, would have left his marriage for you. That he hasn't, means very simply... that he didn't want to.

[John Who]

As an OW there is the fantasy that your MM isn't sleeping with his wife, isn't intimate with her, doesn't buy her flowers, doesn't take her out, doesn't call her, doesn't tell her that he loves her... well, you get the idea.

 

In order to 'sustain' what he has with you he has to make you believe that the above is true. However, it almost never is true.

 

Unfortunately, the 'truth' is that the OW can be nothing more than recreational activity and the little something on the side that makes him feel important. The OW becomes important because of he 'feeling' he gets from the attention outside of the marriage.

 

So, as an OW there exists the peril that there is a full marriage with love and intimacy and that your involvement is ancillary to the primary relationship. It is not, therefore, necessarily a part of his life, per se.

 

Accordingly, if you are not a part of his legitimate life then it would be inappropriate to expect his wife or family/friends to invite you to a funeral.

 

All MM will tell you that their 'wife doesn't understand them' and that they aren't getting sex at home. How else could he get you to do what you are doing? If you knew that there existed the possibility that he was cuddling with his wife on the couch whispering in her ear telling her how much he loves her... I doubt you'd be there for him on call.

 

So, it probably would be in very bad taste to attend a funeral for a man who would, if he truly loved and was committed to you, would have left his marriage for you. That he hasn't, means very simply... that he didn't want to.

 

I agree with this 100% this is how I was with OW I told her those same things,Like I stated before I would not want OW at my funeral.

[OWoman]

As an OW there is the fantasy that your MM isn't sleeping with his wife, isn't intimate with her, doesn't buy her flowers, doesn't take her out, doesn't call her, doesn't tell her that he loves her... well, you get the idea.

 

In order to 'sustain' what he has with you he has to make you believe that the above is true. However, it almost never is true.

 

Unfortunately, the 'truth' is that the OW can be nothing more than recreational activity and the little something on the side that makes him feel important. The OW becomes important because of he 'feeling' he gets from the attention outside of the marriage.

 

So, as an OW there exists the peril that there is a full marriage with love and intimacy and that your involvement is ancillary to the primary relationship. It is not, therefore, necessarily a part of his life, per se.

 

Accordingly, if you are not a part of his legitimate life then it would be inappropriate to expect his wife or family/friends to invite you to a funeral.

 

All MM will tell you that their 'wife doesn't understand them' and that they aren't getting sex at home. How else could he get you to do what you are doing? If you knew that there existed the possibility that he was cuddling with his wife on the couch whispering in her ear telling her how much he loves her... I doubt you'd be there for him on call.

 

So, it probably would be in very bad taste to attend a funeral for a man who would, if he truly loved and was committed to you, would have left his marriage for you. That he hasn't, means very simply... that he didn't want to.

 

While this may well be true in some cases, it's far from true in others. There are a number of us here whose stories have demonstrated exactly the opposite. Universalising on the grounds of some mythical "ideal type" doesn't resonate with those of us who'd lived real stories out in real life, and know different.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, good for you, GEL. Being the W has to be easier on the mind ,than being the ow. GEL, why is the opinion of BS's of less value than OW's? Why is their opinion less "real" than the OW's? WF, while there were many OW's who wished that I would have a funeral. None ever actually went so far, as to make plans to attend.

 

I don't think it's less valuable, I just think this is not the appropriate forum. They have a forum and it's called "Infidelity." This should be the OW's safe place. And it seems like their is supposed to be only one right answer and the reality is right and wrong mean nothing in this type of R...And while I certainly wouldn't want to censor anyone, I think it's pretty clear in the spirit of the forum that this is for OW...

 

There are not many safe places for OW to air their feelings...BS's do not have the same problem, do they?

 

It's pretty apparent you didn't get my take on "real"...Lots of trolls, kwim?

[Athena]

And the majority of the ones who are left and say whatever they want are BS's, in the OW forum no less.

 

There's a reason this forum is here and it's not fulfilling it's mission.

 

GEL do you consider it okay that you post in OW/OM forum, even though you are a wife now?