If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

[Owl]

I wouldn't go because I wouldn't want to make her family feel uncomfortable or upset them. They know who I am and what happened, so the answer is a definite know.

 

Actually, this is my thought as well.

 

The only result of it would be creating undue strife and upset for the friends and family.

 

Q.E.D.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wouldn't go because I wouldn't want to make her family feel uncomfortable or upset them.

 

I agree. Its not her family's fault she is a louse.

[NoIDidn't]

I can't believe this thread is still going on! LOL

 

As usual, when we (those that either were once betrayed or simply disagree with cheating) disagree, BITTER gets thrown around.

 

I say, the first person to use the word is the bitter one. Its a projection.

 

Owl I like the question about the criminal in the neighborhood analogy. You know, in the US, we have sex offender registries. The person paid the time for the crime and yet they still get put on those registries to let everyone in their neighborhood know that they once assaulted someone sexually. I don't agree with this, but it is what it is. In some cases, when a known criminal is seen walking in a neighborhood where they once did dirt, anyone can call the police on them and the police will take care of it. It may not fit the funeral thing entirely, but its close.

 

Anyone in my family would be HAPPY to take care of my "light" weight. We are certainly "thick as theives". LOL

[Athena]

You know' date=' in the US, we have sex offender registries. The person paid the time for the crime and yet they still get put on those registries to let everyone in their neighborhood know that they once assaulted someone sexually. I don't agree with this, [/quote']

 

I do agree with this. The reason is that sexual predators do not ever get 'treated' so they are susceptible to repeating a sex offense if the opportunity ever arises again... statistics back this up which is why it has been incorporated into Law.

 

If neighbors are forewarned about a sexual predator, they will be able to take measures to prevent 'opportunities' for another offense to take place. They can warn their children not to ever talk with the sex offender, and not to be anywhere alone with him/her.

 

Its all about prevention. Sure it's not 'nice' for the sex offender, but that is the price he must pay for his weakness and impulse. He cannot control himself in that department, so people in his vicinity should take extra precautions around him. For their safety's sake. Not to make his life miserable, but because they are repeat offenders.

[NoIDidn't]

I do agree with this. The reason is that sexual predators do not ever get 'treated' so they are susceptible to repeating a sex offense if the opportunity ever arises again... statistics back this up which is why it has been incorporated into Law.

 

If neighbors are forewarned about a sexual predator, they will be able to take measures to prevent 'opportunities' for another offense to take place. They can warn their children not to ever talk with the sex offender, and not to be anywhere alone with him/her.

 

Its all about prevention. Sure it's not 'nice' for the sex offender, but that is the price he must pay for his weakness and impulse. He cannot control himself in that department, so people in his vicinity should take extra precautions around him. For their safety's sake. Not to make his life miserable.

 

 

LOL, but you would allow the "untreated" OWs at your H's funeral? :lmao: (I know, to each his own, right?)

 

I don't agree with it because MOST of the time the crime was consensual sex between minors. They put 18 year old BOYS on there that were convicted for having consensual sex with 16 year old girls. Sorry. That's not fair to me. Those boys are far from "offenders".

 

I also don't agree on the fact that MOST sex offenders never get caught or prosecuted. Family member molesters are typically hidden and shunned but never reported. I do get your point, but just wanted to share why I said I disagree.

[Owl]

LOL, but you would allow the "untreated" OWs at your H's funeral? :lmao: (I know, to each his own, right?)

.

 

Well...it's not like she's going to "do" much, right????? :bunny:

 

I mean, "He's dead, Jim.".

 

But the point that they wouldn't be welcomed after having (from the BS and BS's family's viewpoints) transgressed against the BS and their family is pretty much the biggest thing here.

 

If they did show up...why would the expect the very people that they participated to devestate to accept their presence?

[NoIDidn't]

Well...it's not like she's going to "do" much, right????? :bunny:

 

LOL. I have seen women try to climb into caskets! Not that they were going to "do" anything either, other than regret it the next day.

 

I don't think that an OP can attend a funeral without making a scene.

 

I can guarantee you that my family members would put them down in a sec. So would my H's. In fact, my H once jokingly told me that if I cheated on him, I wouldn't need to fear his wrath, but my OM would because he'd go *native* on them (primal). LOL.

 

I wouldn't want to put myself through that. I don't know why anyone would. Even if you were friends with the MP before the A, once its over the friendship usually dies with it too. I can't get why some people don't accept that. But, oh well. At least they won't be showing up at any funerals for my family members.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Would it be wrong for the BS to attend the OW/OM's funeral, and why/why not?

 

Not “wrong”... but I’d say one would have to be pretty d*mn stupid.

 

Anyone who watches CSI knows the cops are always waiting for the perp to return to the scene of the crime.

[bentnotbroken]

Not “wrong”... but I’d say one would have to be pretty d*mn stupid.

 

Anyone who watches CSI knows the cops are always waiting for the perp to return to the scene of the crime.

 

 

:lmao:YUP, and they always do.:lmao:

[MeaganRaye]

You know, Owl posed a good question - one that asks, basically, "if someone did you wrong (like a BS feels an AP has done), sneaking about uninvited into your house (like a BS feels an AP has done w/their marriage) and stealing from you, what would you do if you saw them lurking in your neighborhood?" And instead of simply answering the question, you threw it back in his face, accusing him of viewing his wife like a piece of property. That was NOT the main crux of his point, and you know it. But I think we all know the answer would be that you would NOT welcome a burglar back into your neighborhood with open arms, which is exactly why you did NOT post an answer.

 

You get major gratification out of blaming the other woman, and never the spouse. Are you a BS by the way?

[NoIDidn't]

You get major gratification out of blaming the other woman, and never the spouse. Are you a BS by the way?

 

No she isn't. If I may speak for donna. She just doesn't like cheating and the lying that goes along with it.

 

Everybody that posts here that isnt a OP isn't necessarily a betrayed, you know. You don't fit one of those two catergories either, right?

 

Its a very limited way of thinking not wanting to at least consider what she is saying without running straight to the "I don't have to listen to you because you are a bitter betrayed" line. And it gets old.

 

The cheating spouse gets plenty of blame in threads about THEM. This thread is about the inappropriateness of the OP thinking they are going to crash, of all things, a funeral!

[GreenEyedLady]

You know this was one of the things that was a big deal to me.

 

My H is in a line of work where it is possible he may be killed. Not probable, but possible.

 

I don't know if I would have went. I could have went with one of his friends. But it killed me that I would have a phone call from one of his friends and not THE phone call. THat I wouldn't get the support, etc. It made everything more apparent to me that things had to change and I deserved better. And that if things didn't work out, I'd survive.

 

But things did work out.

 

I'd like to know why it is inappropriate for a person who loves the deceased and the deceased loves them to pay their last respects? This is the real world. If the OP just stays in the background does that change the choices the WS made? A funeral is to honor the memory of the deceased. I don't understand why it would be so wrong for the OP to quietly and unobtrusively pay their respects.

 

Get a grip everyone. It's hypothetical. I've been reading the forum and wondering where all the OW are. Some of the responses just floor me.

 

Think out of the box people.

[NoIDidn't]

You know this was one of the things that was a big deal to me.

 

My H is in a line of work where it is possible he may be killed. Not probable, but possible.

 

I don't know if I would have went. I could have went with one of his friends. But it killed me that I would have a phone call from one of his friends and not THE phone call. THat I wouldn't get the support, etc. It made everything more apparent to me that things had to change and I deserved better. And that if things didn't work out, I'd survive.

 

But things did work out.

 

I'd like to know why it is inappropriate for a person who loves the deceased and the deceased loves them to pay their last respects? This is the real world. If the OP just stays in the background does that change the choices the WS made? A funeral is to honor the memory of the deceased. I don't understand why it would be so wrong for the OP to quietly and unobtrusively pay their respects.

 

Get a grip everyone. It's hypothetical. I've been reading the forum and wondering where all the OW are. Some of the responses just floor me.

 

Think out of the box people.

 

Nobody cares if the OW/OM loved the MP or not. The funeral is about the family's grief and loss loved one. Anyone that was in the shadows, should stay there.

 

Its not wrong for the OP to quietly and unobtrusively pay their respects, so long as they aren't crashing the funeral that they likely weren't invited to. What's so hard about that?

 

 

How 'bout taking your own advice and thinking out of your box?

[jwi71]

Can you imagine...

 

relative: Who are you young lady and how did you know John Doe?

OW: I was the other woman.

relative: huh? What?

Ow: (sheepishly) I was the other woman...you know...OTHER woman

relative: (realizing who this lady is)...I am so sorry for you loss dear. He was a great man you know. I don't know why you never showed up at any family events or holidays. Have you met the widow? Jane Doe...look...its the other woman...

Widow: (sobbing) Oh thank you for coming. Its a sad day for us all. (pause) Whats your name again dear?

 

Yeah...it'll go like that.

 

This thread doesn't belong in the OW/OM forum, it belongs in the Salvador Dali other-freaking-universe forum.

[jj33]

GEL I respect your views immensely you know that but must disagree. In 99% of cases it would be impossible for the OW/OM to simply pay their respects quietly and leave. If it were that simple that would be one thing. But its not. The funeral created by the WS's family is for them and people who care about them.

 

Yes in theory its to honor the memory but having the OP show up, upsetting the surviving spouse beyone belief (even the possibility that it could possibly upset the spouse) seems unkind.

 

Even if the OP doesnt sign the guest book, sits quietly in the last row, there is a HUGE chance someone would ask who are you? Or a family member would wonder who that person was that noone knew and left so quickly. Why put the family through that?

 

The OP can have their own ritual to mourn the MP.

 

In any event Meagan clarified and said she meant if the OP was invited.

[Meaplus3]

Well in my case with xmm, if something had happened to him during the ea, I would have had to attend the services since I am a neighbor of 16 years. It would have been the right thing to do even though I would have felt lot's of guilt.

 

Mea:)

[bentnotbroken]

Well in my case with xmm, if something had happened to him during the ea, I would have had to attend the services since I am a neighbor of 16 years. It would have been the right thing to do even though I would have felt lot's of guilt.

 

Mea:)

 

 

Now Mea, you are a smart lady, you wouldn't have had to attend. You could have come up with something really good. Back pain, migraine, stomach virus, swine flu.

[Meaplus3]

Now Mea, you are a smart lady, you wouldn't have had to attend. You could have come up with something really good. Back pain, migraine, stomach virus, swine flu.

 

LOL. Nah, I would have gone for the sake of the kids as as well. I'm very close with them even now with xmm out of the picture. And I don't mean he's dead or anything.

 

Mea:)

[desertmoon]

I know my exOM/MM(well,he is in the process of divorcing) would want me to attend. When we were still together this sort of topic came up and he asked me how would he know if something happened to me? Tough question, because nobody on my side knew he existed. On his side however, his secretary knew me, his partners knew me and he told me that if anything ever happened to him, one of them will let me know and take care of me....take care of me???? I asked. Oh, he meant that if the worst would happen and he died, he would want me to attend the funeral and I won't be alone, his secretary and/or partner/s would make sure I will not look out of place.

 

Still, I wouldn't have gone .....I can mourn him anywhere....

[Athena]

Still, I wouldn't have gone .....I can mourn him anywhere....

 

Lol... so did ya tell him?!

[desertmoon]

LOL. I have seen women try to climb into caskets! Not that they were going to "do" anything either' date=' other than regret it the next day.[/quote']

 

LOL:lmao::lmao:!

 

I remember this story of a lady crying and screaming at a funeral...as the casket was being lowered ( now family members leave before the casket is lowered,back then they stay as it is lowered and when it reaches the bottom the family members throw flowers before leaving), anyway, so the casket was being lowered and this lady started screaming "jackkkkkkkk, take me with you!!!!!" and some guy was trying to prevent her from getting to the casket and falling down the hole....but she was carrying on and tried to wrestle away from the man's hold, well the man lost his hold and she went flying down the hole, landed on top of the casket. There was a huge GASP and then people rushed to the hole, the woman was stunned then started screaming "helpppppppp, get me out of here". They had to raise the casket back up with her sitting on it. The man who was holding her was beside himself and went to help her off the casket, when she got to her feet, she slapped the man for "lettng her fall"....LOL!!!!!:lmao:!

 

 

Oh and Athena, no, I really didn't tell him I would not go. I just told him I would be too distraught to even get out of the house. BUT, I will definitely visit the gravesite.

[OWoman]

Here's an interesting counter-question for everyone...

 

Would it be wrong for the BS to attend the OW/OM's funeral, and why/why not?

 

I would question a BS's motivation for attending the OW/OM's funeral. Unlike the OW/OM attending the MM/MW's funeral to pay their last respects, the BS is unlikely to want to pay any respects to the deceased OW/OM - so what would their reason be for attending?

 

If it's to support the bereaved (their CS, mourning the loss of his/her beloved OW /OM), it would be a very mature and generous BS that could move to that level of graciousness; for anyone else, I imagine it would be simply to spit on the grave of the deceased, and that I don't feel has any place at a funeral.

[White Flower]

Here's an interesting counter-question for everyone...

 

Would it be wrong for the BS to attend the OW/OM's funeral, and why/why not?

Depends on the motivation. Most people attend funerals to grieve the loss of someone they were emotionally attached to or go to support others who were emotionally attached to the deceased.

 

I wouldn't go to my exH's ex affair partner's funeral unless my children were invited and they needed my support. Otherwise, I would not miss her nor mourn her loss.

[White Flower]

You know this was one of the things that was a big deal to me.

 

My H is in a line of work where it is possible he may be killed. Not probable, but possible.

 

I don't know if I would have went. I could have went with one of his friends. But it killed me that I would have a phone call from one of his friends and not THE phone call. THat I wouldn't get the support, etc. It made everything more apparent to me that things had to change and I deserved better. And that if things didn't work out, I'd survive.

 

But things did work out.

 

I'd like to know why it is inappropriate for a person who loves the deceased and the deceased loves them to pay their last respects? This is the real world. If the OP just stays in the background does that change the choices the WS made? A funeral is to honor the memory of the deceased. I don't understand why it would be so wrong for the OP to quietly and unobtrusively pay their respects.

 

Get a grip everyone. It's hypothetical. I've been reading the forum and wondering where all the OW are. Some of the responses just floor me.

 

Think out of the box people.

And to help others understand who the question was directed to I'll repost the OP:

 

If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral?

Do you ever wonder if something tragic were to happen to the MM, (critical or fatal car accident, murder, illness) do you know if anyone will be able to contact you so you can visit him or even attend the funeral? Surely if its a secret, the wife or the children or any of the family wont know you so they can't contact you

Say if you died, do you think MM would attend your funeral or burial?

 

I'm just curious because if the relationship is kept secret and something tragic happened it would be awful for either one of you to not be able to give your last respects to one another. Or what if you don't find out until it's too late and they've been dead for months

 

Clearly MR was speaking to OWs about MM and vice versa. I appreciate comments from all, as I enjoy hearing about all perspectives of situations but I do wonder why this thread is lacking in posts from OWs.

 

Did any OW reading this have a plan in motion for such an event?

 

John Who's statement about his exOW being a skeleten in the closet threw me. That he loved her enough (or maybe just told her that) to have a relationship with her but not enough to see her through closure and his death. I should call exMM and ask him if he agrees.

[Intricategirl]

As a BS, I wouldn't have the first clue how to contact her in time for the funeral. I found her website by accident, and it hasn't been updated in a while, which tells me she may not be checking it anymore. I don't know all of my ex's email addresses or passwords, and don't know her address/phone number. Assuming I did know it, I can't say whether I'd be big enough to invite her. They've known each other an entire 5 months or so and only met in person once.

 

And no, I absolutely would not go to her funeral. It would be disrespectful.

 

The tough question for me is whether I would even attend his funeral. Because I have young children with him, I probably would for their sake, but I'd also see if his mom was interested in taking them. The connection between us is good and severed, and I'm not sure I feel enough of an attachment anymore to mourn him. 'Course, god forbid it did happen, I reserve the right to change my mind. Emotions are funny that way.