Lizzie60 Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 I have never ever seen 'invitations for a funeral'... churches and funerals are public.. anyone can attend.. The family usually put an ad in the newspaper (here) about the death, and the funeral... and also where they want the donations to go.. I've never heard about 'invitations'.. and if the W has no idea about the OW.. (in most cases) I can't see what's wrong with the OW attending.. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Perhaps this is hypocritical of me (since I posted that it would be in poor taste for an OW to attend the funeral of her married lover) but, had my OW died, I would absolutely have attended her funeral. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Megan- read my previous post. You are speaking about this hypothetically. I am right in the midst of a very recent, very raw and very painful grief. Thankfully its not the case, but if my dad HAD been having an affair, the very very very very LAST thing that would be appropriate for our family woudl be if the OW came to the funeral etc etc. So forgive me for not seeing it the way you want me to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 I have never ever seen 'invitations for a funeral'... churches and funerals are public.. anyone can attend.. The family usually put an ad in the newspaper (here) about the death, and the funeral... and also where they want the donations to go.. I've never heard about 'invitations'.. and if the W has no idea about the OW.. (in most cases) I can't see what's wrong with the OW attending.. Okay, so it's okay to go as long as they don't know who you are. All right. But if she knows that you were sleeping with your husband, I guess it's best to avoid it in case of drama. Some of these posters who keep mentioning violence are scary Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Actually- because of my situation, its probably best I don't contribute anymore. Can't really see it from all angles at this point. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 And everyone completely ignored the question regarding if the MM should attend the OW's funeral if she died. Everyone was jumping down my back about if the OW attended the MM's funeral..well what about her, should he attend if the OW died? Was the OW married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Was the OW married? It doesn't matter. Married or not married. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 This is the thing, if no one knew about the A or who the OW was, sure she could sneak in quietly. But if it was a known affair, I think its in absolute disrespect to the family to go knowing that they have hurt over this. I agree with SB, too, that most funerals are overflowing. Who would know that an OW snuck in unless she made a scene. If the MM involved were my H, and I didn't know about her, I would be too sad to be worried that she wanted to say good-bye to my H if I found out at a later date. If I did know about her, and who she was, I'd have my family and friends on the lookout for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Okay, so it's okay to go as long as they don't know who you are. All right. But if she knows that you were sleeping with your husband, I guess it's best to avoid it in case of drama. That was MY answer.. because none of the Ws know about me.. but, let's say they would know.. I woudn't show up.. for sure.. for respect for the kids and her... but that's just me... I wouldn't condemn any OWs who would attend.. I would understand their pain... but for me.. no.. I would grieve in silence.. I hate 'drama'.. always did, always will.. I like my life to be my secret garden.. and I want peace most of all. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAtLast Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Was the OW married? Excellent point, herenow. If my OW had been married, I would NOT have attended her funeral. Although, I can honestly say, had she been married she would NOT have been my OW (how's that for hypocritical? ) Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Same thing. He deserves whatever the family will give him if he shows his face. A butt kicking would be the least of his issues.. I agree BNB! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 That was MY answer.. because none of the Ws know about me.. but, let's say they would know.. I woudn't show up.. for sure.. for respect for the kids and her... but that's just me... I wouldn't condemn any OWs who would attend.. I would understand their pain... but for me.. no.. I would grieve in silence.. I hate 'drama'.. always did, always will.. I like my life to be my secret garden.. and I want peace most of all. okay that's understandable. I'm also curious to know, would there be anyone able to inform you if anything tragic happened to him? If the relationship is secret then he could be dead and you wouldn't know for months..you'd think he just disappeared on you Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 If the relationship is secret then he could be dead and you wouldn't know for months..you'd think he just disappeared on you This is usually what happens, unless one makes a habit of reading obituaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 This is usually what happens' date=' unless one makes a habit of reading obituaries.[/quote'] Yeah, that's something you would have to do if you are involved with a MM. Just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 It doesn't matter. Married or not married. Sure it does. If there is no BS, it does matter. I still like the idea of the MM bringing his wife. She deserves some closure and that would certainly be closure. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I have never ever seen 'invitations for a funeral'... churches and funerals are public.. anyone can attend.. The family usually put an ad in the newspaper (here) about the death, and the funeral... and also where they want the donations to go.. I've never heard about 'invitations'.. and if the W has no idea about the OW.. (in most cases) I can't see what's wrong with the OW attending.. IME someone draws up a list and the family spilts it and does a phone-around to ensure that everyone knows when and where it will be. It also gives them a sense of how many will be coming, for the catering. Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 IMO, the affair was conducted behind the back of the BW, the OW can grieve behind her back (the BW's) and on her own as well. Not in the same place at the same time. I agree with this. I made for a terrible mistress, insisting he separate so we could be out in the open. The very idea that something could happen to him (and he engaged in a high-risk sport) and that no one would notify me was unbearable. BTW, he made a point of showing me how he'd put my name on all the emergency contact forms for his sporting events after that. Yet, still then what? Was I supposed to notify his W? Awkward. But let's say my xSM died while we were out in the open, but he was still separated and not divorced yet. I still wouldn't go to the funeral. That's a family thing. I'd arrange to see his friends that already knew me and my friends that knew him privately. Two lives, two funerals. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I agree with this. I made for a terrible mistress, insisting he separate so we could be out in the open. The very idea that something could happen to him (and he engaged in a high-risk sport) and that no one would notify me was unbearable. BTW, he made a point of showing me how he'd put my name on all the emergency contact forms for his sporting events after that. Yet, still then what? Was I supposed to notify his W? Awkward. But let's say my xSM died while we were out in the open, but he was still separated and not divorced yet. I still wouldn't go to the funeral. That's a family thing. I'd arrange to see his friends that already knew me and my friends that knew him privately. Two lives, two funerals. I was going to post about a similar situation my family went through recently and there was no affair! My aunt died and had been estranged from her H for nearly 25 years. Her fiance was LIVID that her H inherited everything though he hadn't been in the picture forever. Awkward, indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I still like the idea of the MM bringing his wife. She deserves some closure and that would certainly be closure. If my H's xW showed up at my funeral I would so haunt her that she'd wish she was the one who'd died! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 IME someone draws up a list and the family spilts it and does a phone-around to ensure that everyone knows when and where it will be. It also gives them a sense of how many will be coming, for the catering. From where I come from.. family usually have a good idea if there will be a lot of people or not. depending if he/she comes from a big family..had many many friends, lots of colleagues, if he/she was a public person.. etc... but to 'send' invitations.. never heard Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 From where I come from.. family usually have a good idea if there will be a lot of people or not. depending if he/she comes from a big family..had many many friends, lots of colleagues, if he/she was a public person.. etc... but to 'send' invitations.. never heard You're splitting hairs. And you know it. Of course no one sends invitations to a funeral. But usually they do call those that were important in the life of the deceased or point them to the obits so that they know when and where the funeral is. That, would be an invitation. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Meagan I do think about that sometimes because xMM is older. We work closely together at the moment so I would know but if the funeral happened quickly I might not know before the funeral unless I read about it. I dont think they would pick up the phone to me as soon as they heard. And if he retired I dont know. I doubt I would know before the funeral. A part of me would love for him to retire, then I wouldnt have the constant reminder of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Actually (not to split hairs but I will) there are invitations to memorial services that happen after funerals - where the funeral is small and just family and very close friends and the people who arent quite as close are invited to something honoring the deceased later on - that is often by invitation only. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 dead MM and SOW, D-Day - SOW should stay away dead MM and SOW, no D-Day - SOW could go discretely dead MM and MW, D-Day - MW should stay away dead MM and MW, no D-Day - MW could go discretely dead SOW and MM, D-Day - MM should stay away dead SOW and MM, no D-Day - MM could come discretely dead MW and MM, D-Day - MM should stay away dead MW and MM, no D-Day - MM could come discretely Discretely means no going up and shaking hands or hugging, if the OP is unknown to the family or spouse. No wailing. No throwing oneself into the grave. No dramatic black hats with veils. No flower arrangements. During my EMA, if my MM had died, then his best friend would call me; we went out to dinner a few times and he knew about our EMA (and was MM's alibi on a number of occasions). If I had died, then I had one good friend who would have emailed the MM and informed him. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I would most definitely go to my MM's funeral. We have been friends and coworkers for almost as long as he's been married. We only started our affair in the last year. Since we work together nobody would know any different. But it sounds like you all are assuming he has kids. My MM has no kids. Link to post Share on other sites
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