Author MeaganRaye Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 How am I being rude? If you tell me what you found rude, I will do my best to not repeat it. That was never my intent, and I am sorry if you find my assessement of your motives offensive. I just stated what I saw and it is after all an opinion. Apparently it hit a nerve, since you haven't responeded to any of my other posts. Feel free to ignore me again. I just found your posts facinating and they explained a lot to me. Again my apologies. giving your unsolicited advice about me needing therapy and being naive is not exactly what I call polite especially in a thread that has absolutely nothing to do with assessing me or whatever motives I have. It would have been much politer to PM this to me if you are truly concerned Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 giving your unsolicited advice about me needing therapy and being naive is not exactly what I call polite especially in a thread that has absolutely nothing to do with assessing me or whatever motives I have. It would have been much politer to PM this to me if you are truly concerned Indeed it would have been, I apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Taylor, does your H know how you feel on this subject? Would he be comfortable with you attending OM's funeral and graveside? No, he doesn't. It has never come up in conversation with him. My IC brought it up..I guess to see where my feelings are one year removed. Nothing like DEATH to bring a person's innermost feelings to light, right? Anyways, the discussion went from there. I am not sure how my husband would feel, TBH. He may consider it as a disrespect to him. But he couldn't deny the possibility that I would feel some grief over the death of a person I considered a friend. Yes, the friendship got out of hand..but it was still a friendship at its core. The grieving feeling..the loss..would be FELT regardless of whether I attended a funeral or not. Attending the funeral or paying final respects at the graveside could actually bring a final closure that might not otherwise be possible. As opposed to not attending and then carrying regret or lamenting over the inability to get that final closure. People say closure is non-existant..a "Dr. Phil" kind of terminology. But to me, it's real. People do all kinds of things...ceremonial type things..to mark the end of things. Symbolism can be very emotional. Getting that final closure, as opposed to not getting it, would help to put the past even farther into the past. I know some people who couldn't accept that their loved one died until they saw the body. I was the only one in my family who wanted to be with my father's body after he died. I held him for an hour, while his body was still warm. I needed that closure. I think if the OM died tomorrow my husband would have much greater issue with it than if the OM died 20 years from now. But even if he died 20 years from now, it most likely would still cause a stir in my heart, because I would still remember him as "FRIEND." And I would still want to visit the graveside to mark the event with closure. My husband certainly should feel no threat from my visiting a graveside or attending a funeral. The man would be dead. And the feelings I would feel upon hearing of his death would be the same regardless of whether I visited the grave, attended the funeral, or not. They would still exist and my husband would have to deal with them regardless of whether I visited a graveside or not. Please don't suggest I have this talk with my husband. I don't need to bring more issues into the marriage, especially hypotheticals. We would cross that bridge when the time came or if it ever came. You know, it kind of bothered me that the OM did not attend my father's calling hours. It hurt that he didn't care enough to do that, or so I thought. But later, after the fog lifted, I realized he didn't attend out of respect for my family, even though no one at that time knew the true nature of our relationship. Instead, he sent me a long-winded message in an office sympathy card, feeling that was far more appropriate considering the circumstances. My husband is aware of this card and the message...but he takes no issue with it..unlike the other cards and momentos I had in my possession from the OM which have been discarded for a long time now. There is something about death that makes everything else seem insignificant. Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Being I was M at one point and had a EA for months,If I had died I would NOT want my ow to attend my funeral. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 On the subject of my wife (fWS) attending fOM's funeral...no. I wouldn't be comfortable with it in any fashion. I wouldn't support her choice to attend at all. I'd be deeply offended and wounded by her choice to go (if that's what she decided). Frankly...this could be a "deal breaker" on our marriage, IMHO. NC for life means NC for HER life as well as his. Attending his funeral would be horribly disrespectful to me personally and our marriage in general. I would understand that she'd grieve at the idea of his passing...but I would not be comfortable with any kind of PUBLIC display of this. Given that he lives in another state on the other side of the country, and that there is NO contact of any kind, nor do I think that any of his friends/family would have a clue on how to inform her of his passing...I'm not all that worried about this happening. I totally understand your POV, Owl. It's a tough issue (and a good question, BTW, OP). Death is a funny thing. You could not see a high school friend for years..no contact whatsoever...and still get emotional upon hearing of their death. There will always be connection with people who pass through your life and regardless of how long it's been since you've been in contact with them. Their death...even people you weren't terribly fond of...will cause a moment's pause and reflection. And I think in many cases, the heart will remember something good about that person...even if they were the bully on the playground or the mean teacher that gave you a hard time every day in class or a friend who turned their back on you in a time of need. I guess the only part I don't quite get in your post is the part about being uncomfortable with a public display. If your wife traveled a million miles away to attend the funeral of her affair partner and introduced herself as an old friend, what harm would that do? Would anyone in his family or circle of friends be able to pick her out in a crowd? Surely, she wouldn't mark herself with a scarlet letter for identification purposes. I can easily see the public display issue if an affair was widely known among friends and family and the well-known affair partner showed up in their midst. I could just hear the hush and whispers in the crowd. But unless I'm mistaken, I don't think this would have been the case with your wife and her affair partner's family, would it? Just a thought to consider: What if you had an affair and a love child was born of it. Say everyone knew. And what if your affair partner died. Would you attend the funeral to be their for your child? Would you ever consider asking your wife to take the child in so you could finish raising him? Would you be concerned about PUBLIC display? Would your wife deny you rights to raise the child, concerned that your love child would create a public display whereever you went as a family? There are families that do raise love children that everyone knows about. The public display (a huge one at that) is overlooked by the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Being I was M at one point and had a EA for months,If I had died I would NOT want my ow to attend my funeral. And the reason why, John? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I guess the only part I don't quite get in your post is the part about being uncomfortable with a public display. Taylor perhaps I'm reading it differently to you, but I took Owl's point about the public display as being some kind of open affirmation, something which calls it back into being, as opposed to something nebulous and transient. It may, as you posit, bring closure - or it may, as I read Owl's take, bring rupture. I'm not sure if that's just a WS / BS difference, or if that's more finely nuanced on the particulars of the situation - given that Owl's W didn't actually get to physically meet her OM and this would in a sense be that final "consummation". Owl - not meaning to put words in your mouth; you will, I'm sure, correct my reading if it's wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 My reasons are she was my OW,not my wife,mother,child,bestfriend.She was a secret a skeleton in my closet. Why would I want my fantasy to crash with my reality. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 My reasons are she was my OW,not my wife,mother,child,bestfriend.She was a secret a skeleton in my closet. Thus, disposable. God am I glad I never shagged a misogynist Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Wakes and Funeral Services are more for the living than the deceased. A time for the family to gather and receive condolences from those close to the deceased. A way to show respect for the deceased and for their loved ones. If MM kept his relationship hidden from his wife and children, family...then it would be the ultimate in disrespect to show up at the funeral. If the A was common knowledge to his wife....but hidden from the children , etc. What would be the point in going? The main point of these gatherings is to offer condolences to those left. Is OW going to offer condolences to wife? Why not just kick in her the stomach? Would MM have wanted that? Thats your decision to make ? On the other hand, many people go to funeral parlors to stay good by to someone alone - early in the morning, before family visitation. Just call the director. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 This is probably academic, because in most families at least one person present would forcibly remove any OW/OM from the premises if they were dumb enough to show up. If you are an OW, expect to get called names and thrown out, if you are an OM, expect to get beaten up and then thrown out. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 My reasons are she was my OW,not my wife,mother,child,bestfriend.She was a secret a skeleton in my closet. Why would I want my fantasy to crash with my reality. So would it be because she would make you look bad if she showed up...shine light on your character? Or Because she didn't mean enough..or had "negative" meaning to you? I guess what I'm getting at is would you be more concerned about what people thought of you or more concerned about what you thought of her..in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 This is probably academic, because in most families at least one person present would forcibly remove any OW/OM from the premises if they were dumb enough to show up. But what if no one knew..what if the OW was a total secret from family members? If you are an OW, expect to get called names and thrown out, if you are an OM, expect to get beaten up and then thrown out. Why not call them both names, beat them both up, and throw them both out? They both committed the same crime. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Forgot a couple more questions, John, that I wasnt able to add to the end of the previous post... What if your OW was the one who died. Would you have any thought whatsoever of attending her funeral or paying any kind of respects. Would news of her death cause you any pause or reflection at all? What would you think about her at that time? Also, do you think she would want to attend your funeral? Why or why not? Would she also consider you a skeleton in her closet..not husband, father...best friend....or would she consider you more. FWIW, no agenda here. Gathering info for own personal use, that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 So would it be because she would make you look bad if she showed up...shine light on your character? Or Because she didn't mean enough..or had "negative" meaning to you? I guess what I'm getting at is would you be more concerned about what people thought of you or more concerned about what you thought of her..in the end. I guess it would be both reasons,my A with her was not my normal character,obviously I would not want her at my funeral because I would not want her anywhere near my family,she is not invited to Christmas dinner,so why would I want her at my funeral. I would be the same if she had died and was married,I wouldn't go to her funeral. When you get involved in a relationship outside your M or when you get involved with a MP this is what happens you don't get invited to Easter,Christmas,Thanksgiving,and yes funeral included this all comes with the territory. Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 If she died I would be sad,Like i said no I would not go to her funeral if she were M,she had a H amd family who did not know of me and they are already mourning her,why would I go and risk someone approaching me asking who I am or even finding out. In majority of A the W or H do not know of the situation,so you are a secret,if she see's me as a skeleton in her closet that is fine with me. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 If she died I would be sad,Like i said no I would not go to her funeral if she were M,she had a H amd family who did not know of me and they are already mourning her,why would I go and risk someone approaching me asking who I am or even finding out. In majority of A the W or H do not know of the situation,so you are a secret,if she see's me as a skeleton in her closet that is fine with me. Would you go if she wasn't married? Would you visit the graveside? Just asking cuz OWL asked me. Gave me alot of food for thought. Curious of your answer as well. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I guess it would be both reasons,my A with her was not my normal character,obviously I would not want her at my funeral because I would not want her anywhere near my family,she is not invited to Christmas dinner,so why would I want her at my funeral. I would be the same if she had died and was married,I wouldn't go to her funeral. When you get involved in a relationship outside your M or when you get involved with a MP this is what happens you don't get invited to Easter,Christmas,Thanksgiving,and yes funeral included this all comes with the territory. JW, yes this is a really good reason why the OW should not attend the MM funeral. If the OW wants to respect the wishes of the man she loves, the OW (or OM) would stay far away from the BW (or BH) and the rest of the family. Unless, in life, the MM didn't have a problem with the OW being around his family, I'm quite sure his wishes wouldn't change in death. So, the most reasonable and best way to honor the deceased is to do what you did while they were alive. Be a secret, stay away from his real life and remain the fantasy that you were to him in life. Do it for the MM. After all a funeral is all about honoring the person who died the way they would want to be remembered. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Meagan... your threads are always interesting.. keep it up!!! Athena is a gem..... and you know what Athena... how about a big party for the W and all the OWs.. after.. to cheer for the ba*tard.. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 JW, yes this is a really good reason why the OW should not attend the MM funeral. If the OW wants to respect the wishes of the man she loves, the OW (or OM) would stay far away from the BW (or BH) and the rest of the family. Unless, in life, the MM didn't have a problem with the OW being around his family, I'm quite sure his wishes wouldn't change in death. So, the most reasonable and best way to honor the deceased is to do what you did while they were alive. Be a secret, stay away from his real life and remain the fantasy that you were to him in life. Do it for the MM. After all a funeral is all about honoring the person who died the way they would want to be remembered. Excellent answer, herenow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Meagan... your threads are always interesting.. keep it up!!! Athena is a gem..... and you know what Athena... how about a big party for the W and all the OWs.. after.. to cheer for the ba*tard.. Thanx:) I learned a lot from this thread. So basically, if you are the OP in an A, and the MM/MW dies, you do NOT go to the funeral because it's disrespectful. You may view the body as long as the wife or any of the family is around because your presence is disrespectful. You have to really be wise in who you fall in love with Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Do you really want your children to have memories of their mom jumping down someone's throat at their father's funeral? Actually, it may not be the grieving widow or widower you’d have to worry about. Some families are as thick as thieves regardless of the mistakes made by it’s more dysfunctional members. It might actually BE the children and extended family members who see to it that you’re either cold-shoulder or physically escorted out. Unless the affair partner was doubly duplicitous and managed to somehow pose as just a work colleague or concerned friend to the family of the deceased. Had a friend go through this situation many years back. After having an affair with a friend of her husband’s who was later killed in a gruesome construction accident. She attended his funeral with her husband (his so-called buddy)... and couldn’t maintain her composure long enough to pull it off. More hysterical than even the grieving widow (to her own husband’s dismay), she drew way to much attention to herself from everyone in attendance and tipped her husband off to what he had already suspected all along. Sadly, it was the death of an affair and TWO marriages all in one day!! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Meagan... your threads are always interesting.. keep it up!!! Athena is a gem..... and you know what Athena... how about a big party for the W and all the OWs.. after.. to cheer for the ba*tard.. I think that's a great idea. Get all the OW together with the wife after her H funeral. I'd be curious to see who and what the wife brings with her. Maybe they should have the reading of the will at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Thing is.. Meagan.. I DON'T fall in love with them.. I love them very much.. but I'm not in love with any of them.. I don't want them to leave their family... For example.. this morning my young MM came in at around 5 in the morning.. I was sound asleep... we didn't do anything .. we just cuddled until my alarm went off at 7... he then left.. we hardly spoke... Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 Would you go if she wasn't married? Would you visit the graveside? Just asking cuz OWL asked me. Gave me alot of food for thought. Curious of your answer as well. If she was not M I still would not attend,would if I ran into someone there who my W and I know,I would just send flowers. Not sure if I would visit the graveside,and if I did it would only be a 1 time thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts