2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 I've been with my boyfriend for 3 yrs. Last year we broke up for a few months, though out the 3 yrs we've had many off/on episodes. Well during this breakup in particular he messed around with a young girl (17) and she ended up pregnant. He is now 22 and I'm 24, he didn't tell me of this until after we had gotten back together and she came around claiming to be pregnant w/ his kid. He didn't think it was his at first cause they only messed around a few times and never had a relationship plus she had a boyfriend, he claimed that was the reason he didn't tell me earlier. This girl is really after him now and wants him to take responsibility but he is so scared of loosing or even upsetting me that he is full blown avoiding her, he says he told her to have an abortion and he doesn't want to deal with this now. I'm confused because I really love him and he is great with my daughter who is 8. I haven't been with anyone else since I met him and I'd feel lost with out him. I'm trying to figure out if I can accept this or not, I kind of want him to take responsibility for his actions but then I don't want to deal with this girl at the same time. As horrible as it may sound I see her as a dumb little girl who also should have known better. I my self was 16 when I had my daughter but I was in a 3yr relationship with her father before we got pregnant, we broke up 2yrs after that and I've been a single mother since. I just have absalutely no pitty for her! I have never been the type of girl to sleep around or have a one night stand and I really do not understand girls who do. I also don't think that it is fair how when a woman decides to have an abortion a man has no say but when a man advices the woman in advance that he cannot and does not want to have a child he has no say in whether she has it or not but yet is expected to take full responsibility afterwards.....talk about a double standard! He didn't want it, he warned her a head of time but she still had it and now she is all over him about it, had he wanted and she did not no one could have forced her to have it but yet he is being forced to accept this and I'm in the middle without a clue how to handle any of it. I feel as if his mistake has ruined our relationship but I love him too much to leave him yet. By no means do I blame this all on this little girl, he played his part in it too but I feel like he advised her before and after that they had no relationship and even advised her to talk to her family about it and told her he couldn't go through with it. She didn't even get medical attention until she was well into her 8th month. I'm mad at him and I'm not sure if I can accept a baby that was the result of his mistake, his infidelity. How do I say we've been together 3yrs but he has a 4 month old from someone else. Is there any hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 he is so scared of loosing or even upsetting me that he is full blown avoiding her, he says he told her to have an abortion and he doesn't want to deal with this now. What the heck is this world coming to? This is the "man" that you imagine spending the rest of your life with? So he picked you over the life of his own child. You must be honored. This is a sick world that we live in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 No! He is confused, how can he choose something he does not know over someone who has been there for him for the past three years. Right now he is as confused as I am, he is looking to me for answers and I don't know how to help him. All he knows is that it was a mistake. This child is coming from this girl he barely knows, still there has been no paternity test, still he is not sure if it's even his. He is just scared that if he persues it he will loose me for this child he does not know or this girl who he views as a fling, she was never nothing to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Hi I have been in a similar situation as I dumped my boyfriend about 17 months ago; still loving him but just knowing that we had no future together. It hurt like hell!! I moved on right away with someone I'm still together with today and who I really love. My Ex-boyfriend though slept with someone two months after we broke up and she got pregnant. It was a one night stand and he never saw her again. She only showed up 4 months after becoming pregnant telling him that she was pregnant. (making sure she wouldn't have to go through abortion)Ultimately, I may even be glad that she got pregnant as it prevented me from going back to my Ex-boyfriend and staying with someone who is much better for me. I do care about my boyfriend's bad luck, though. My opinion is: It's the girl that should be blamed after getting pregnant after a one-night-stand. It is the most RESPECTLESS thing you can do to your body and that precious unborn child to just get pregnant by any bloke out there and then actually claiming money for your stupid mistake! I know that it takes two. But after all the woman is much more connected to that unborn life and should try to do anything to protect herself and that baby. Therefore, girls out there: YOU ARE STUPID TO GET PREGNANT BY SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW AND THEN WHINGE TO THE WORLD HOW HE DOESN'T CARE! I am 28 years old, and have never got pregnant because I don't want to until I have got that ring on my finger that, to a certain point, protects me emotionally and financially. I can understand that you feel that that 17year old has destroyed your chance to get together with your boyfriend. she did, as your boyfriend will always have that burden on his shoulder and will have less time thinking about a future with you. And yes she is to blame. As she tried to steal your boyfriend from you and the rest of the women out there by getting pregnant. She will end up a poor single mother, who runs back to a bloke who has NO RESPECT for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 Thank you so much, your understanding is music to my ears. Everyone else so far thinks I'm a horrible woman for not having pitty on this little girl. The way I saw it was just as you described, she had no respect for her body in the first place. I mean how come a woman can say "yes, I will have it even though you don't want it" but also be able to say "No I will not have it even if you do want it"...... That is such a double standard, a man really has no say in anything! If the tables where turned and he had wanted this kid badly and she insisted on an abortion no one would have felt bad for him even though his child would had been killed with out his consent, yet he has no say on wether the child is born or not when he does not want it or can not have it. I appreciate your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Layla Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Yes, there is quite a lot of double standard out there and I also do feel incredibly sorry for those few percent who just want to have sex, use protection and then get pregnant. But generally, especially in Western Europe, there is a lot of girls who can't be bothered to have future perspectives and therefore just become pregnant assuming that either their bonk-buddies or the government will look after them. I am a Christian and feel bad by making these harsh statements about these girls. But in the end, we are talking about babies that are being born into loveless environments with a guy who feels trapped and probably ends up "hating" that baby and its mother. And the mother who takes her frustration out on her baby. Doesn't always have to be that way, but psychologically does make sense. I do have every respect for someone like you who got pregnant early but decided to really look after jer baby and tried to make a relationship work. Anyone using a baby to hold a guy, make the world pity or love them is just being SELFISH. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 how can he choose something he does not know over someone who has been there for him for the past three years I can actually understand where you're coming from and I do apologize for being so harsh. I just am not so forgiving of men who would so offhandedly and casually tell a woman they got pregnant to get an abortion because they couldn't deal with the responsibility. That's selfishness talking, not a responsible adult. There's a good chance that this child could be his. And if that is the case, I hope can put his feelings aside and do what he can to help support it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 Layla, I forgot to add that him and I are still together, you see he only told me after we had worked things out and we where already back together for a few months. You see even though she had told him earlier, he didn't take her seriously because he didn't believe it was his, it wasn't untill now that she is really after him and the child has been born that it has become an issue in "our" relationship. He is so confused and just wants my approval on everything, he is so scared of loosing me now. It's not that he is a bad person for not wanting this child it's just that he does not know it, unlike a mother a father is not instantly attached to a child especially when the mother and him have nothing to do with eachother. If it was me who was pregnant he would have been a totally different person because he respects and loves me. He would be on top of the world if it was I who had his child and I have no doubt that he would be an ideal father. How can he love this child he doesn't even know, it would be great if life was like that but truth is he has no attachement to this child yet. We have spoken about what will happen once paternity is proven and he does say he will take responsibility but honestly he never wanted any of this. So do you think that I should leave him now, even though he is looking to me for help and support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2Confused4thought Posted October 20, 2003 Author Share Posted October 20, 2003 Iamnotnothing I understand what your saying and I absulately agree with you, it was a mistake that took two to make. Thing is he did try to be responsible about it by asking her to have the abortion, you see he knew he couldn't handle the situation and the only reason she didn't have an abortion was not because of her love for her unborn child but because she was too irresponsible to even look at the consenquences. Again she didn't even seek medical attention until her 8th month she was too busy being 17 to consider her or her childs future. I just believe that it should be a joint descision, both having it or not. He told her to talk to her family, to seek help but she didn't. How could she expect so much from a guy who never gave her a second call, she knew it was a mistake she admits that it was all a fling. I do feel bad for the child for I love my boyfriend and if it is his child I know eventually I'd love it too but right not I'm too mad, too hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 If you intend to stay together, then I suggest that you and your partner seek counseling. If the child is indeed his, you need to able to handle that fact as well as all the issues associated with it. I also suggest that your partner seek the advice of an attorney to determine what his paternal rights are. Link to post Share on other sites
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