17, never kissed a girl, find it hard to male friends.

[NOM]

*The thread title should say "Make", not male.

 

 

 

Hello.

 

I'm a guy, almost 17 and I've never had a girlfriend, or yet alone, kissed a girl.

All my life I've been the shy, smart kid in school, but recently I've been trying to come out of that shell and I'm finding it quite challenging (hence the reason I joined this forum).

 

 

Most of the time, I'm a funny talkative sort of guy, but only around my closest friends.

My problem is that I'm very shy around people (especially girls) which, I think is affecting my social skills, as I find it difficult to start conversations with strangers (new faces in school, etc.), or sustain a conversation if someone starts talking to me.

 

I realise that confidence, or in my case, lack of, plays a big part in this. Occasionaly girls say hello to me in the street/ make eye contact, etc, and I've never been able to say anything but say hello back.

 

The most recent exapmple of this, was on a school trip, a girl on a different school I was sitting beside started talking to me, and all I could do was give one word replies, inevetably, ending any chance of further conversation.

 

I've been trying to be myself, relax, and so on around other people, but when I am in a situation or environment where I have the chance to talk to, or meet new people, I seem to crawl back into my reclusive, self conscious, shy state of mind.

 

This frustrates me, because every time I get a chance to not be my usual self, I just throw it away.

 

So without telling my life story, what I'm asking is; How can I be a more sociable person around people I don't know (and especially girls).

 

Be yourself, be less self conscious, confident and relax are all good pieces of advice, but I'd like to know a few "hands on methods" of how to overcome this issue.

 

[windows]

Im like you (except for the one word responses). Thing here is... girls around your age probably aren't looking for anything special like you, most relationships are transitory. Don't think your life is an end all without someone before school's out; its pointless to find a girl during this time of your life (well it is for me since the only types of girls I would go for are all busy with senior studies ). You mght feel alone but I tell you this, if you're like me you spend alot of your time thinking. thinking and pondering, and finding a girl who will love your facade of extroversion will be a long juggling act for you to maintain. don't fret over relationships, you still have many long years ahead.

this did help me for a short while though. 1 random spontaneous act a day helps keep shyness away. try it; it'll boost your life in general before you even have to tackle the whole 'relationship' issue.

[NOM]

Thanks for your advice!

 

The one spontaneous act a day thing sounds pretty good, and something I'll definately try.

 

A bus....yes...I think I'll start by stealing a bus. =P

 

 

Seriously though, I think it sounds like a great idea.

[RedneckRomeo]

Everyone is shy in their own way. But some of us know how to handle it better than others so it doesn't take over. Best way if you feel shy or not very confident is to fake it. Pretend you are the biggest hunk out there and do/say something that he would do. Who cares if its corny or not - sometimes the best conversations start with some corny act.

 

Don't give 1-word replies to questions. Answer it, explain, ask your own questions - even if you know the answer. It just helps to keep the conversation going. If you need to - act like you have no clue what they're talking about - but don't do it too much!

 

I was in your shoes once. I never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl until about a year ago - and I'm nearly 27. Single again - but after I learned how to start talking more - it just got easier to have conversations with everyone and things just happened.

 

Don't give up - but don't try so hard. Sometimes its best just to let things happen naturally.

[boogieboy]

It takes practice to get confidence. I think it will only help you later to start practicing at 16 years old.

 

Dont feel pressure when these girls talk to you. Just dont give them a long drawn out explanation. try this. You give a funny answer first, then the real one, then ask her about herself. And do it with a smile. Dont talk fast, rapid talking isnt sexy to women.

 

If a girl asks you:

 

Girl: "I heard youre on the wrestling team?"

 

You "Yeah, turns out im into groping other guys in leotards."

 

when she looks at you awkwardly, you smile and say

"nah, I joined because im on scholarship to NYU, its alot of fun!"

 

then she has a look of relief and even a chuckle smiling. So she'll have a

follow up question, or you can ask her something.

 

Dont be too funny, dont be a clown, keep a balance. This takes practice, but apparently girls talk to you alot so you will learn quickly. Great conversation is sometimes about taking mundane things and making them interesting with humor.

[malibustacydoll]

I think a lot of people can relate to you. In high school I was very shy and did not have a lot of confidence ever. I didn't have my first kiss or real life boyfriend (I was one of those girls who dated guys online) until I was seventeen. My current boyfriend of two years is also a very shy guy. When we first started talking he was very awkward but I saw through that. My main bit of advice is for you to realize that you only have one chance at life. Throughout my life I have been afraid of rejection but I reached a point where I knew I just had to try. I have asked out guys in my days and been rejected more times that I probably remember-- but I have also had good relationships come from it. The same thing goes for anything in life-- you should at least try. Even if you aren't ready to ask girls out just attempt to be more talkative or think of questions in advance that you can ask them to keep conversations going. Being friendly can go a long way.:-)

[NOM]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I have thought about my problem as I was reading your posts, trying to imagine how I would apply this advice in social situations, and I've come to the conclusion that I just have to be more open to people and be more confident (as the person that I already am, isn't anti social, as such).

 

Over the last week or so I have noticed that I am a different person in public (e.g. school), than I am when I'm not around others. It feels as if I have to be louder and more arrogant to be noticed by people. I don't really like that, as people aren't seeing the real me so I'm going to try and change it. (Any advice on this would be great).

 

Also, I think I might try to do a "talk to 2 strangers a day" thing or something along those lines to boost my confidence.

[GoneButNotForgotten]

Another method I learned worked well for me is to have friends that are the loud type. I'm not an attention seeker by nature. I don't want to be in the middle of the spotlight. Yet having friends that do help bring you out of the shell without having to feel like you have to lead everything. It is an odd balancing act otherwise. I'm very introverted and tend to keep to my own thoughts most of the time. Yet my friends who know me closely know me as very quick witted and sarcastic. When they are around I tend to be a little bit of both of those sides of me. A lot of girls start to notice that while I am quiet at first, I am just cautious with what I say.

 

The other thing to do is stop caring so much. The more stress you put on yourself in those situations the harder it becomes. You always want to do or say the right thing. That becomes such a pain in the ass that you end up responding with one word answers for fear of saying the wrong thing. If a girl is near you and you want to talk to her, start by saying that the most that is gonna happen is your gonna make a new friend. If it goes past that great, if not, who cares there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Putting pressure on yourself is a great way to make things much harder.

 

Relax, have fun. Life is not over at 17. There is much to do and learn yet.

[True2form]

Hi nom, love the name, NOM NOM NOM delicious cake ^_^

 

I think, what you should do, is just get over your fear of rejection, by going out there and getting rejected. Go up to a girl in the street and say "hi, can you tell me the time?"

 

She might stop and tell you the time, very politely, therefore that's great and you don't have to stick around making convo, you've just succeded in making a sociable human connection.

 

She might not hear your correctly, be very shy herself and just ignore you and keep on walking. You will stand there and suddenly realise, omg, hey. I'm not dead. That didn't kill me, WOW! and you can turn around and ask someone else.

 

Girls are picky and can be quite rejecting...but **** it, look up some nature programmes and the mating rituals of birds of paradise. The males stand around dancing for HOURS in front of these females who watch...think about it....wait till he's exhausted himself, and piss off. He picks himself up, dusts himiself off, sees another female over there in the bushes and goes "Hey, baby, watch what i can do."

 

Don't put so much on it, build up your confidence bit by bit and you'll probably end up a serial womaniser . You may find it interesting to visit www.omegle.com it's a site that puts you into one on one conversations with complete strangers. You don't need to register or anything, just get started chatting. Sometimes you meet complete jerks who are really boring and the convo ends very fast, or you keep trying and you happen to get talking to someone really really awesome who shares your views and opinions, and then you have the choice of swapping contact info and making a new friend.

 

It's good practise.

Anyway i hope i've said something vaguely helpful xxxx

[colosseum]

Practice, practice, practice. Don't be afraid to lose.

 

I, like yourself and many others, have had my share of overcoming being shy. It takes unyielding trial and error from which you have to learn; what worked, what didn't, how to improve--not just with girls but people in general as well: employers, teachers, or anyone else.

 

Simple things: "hey, how are you?" "how's it going?" just to get the ball rolling. No pick-up lines, no trivialities needed. Actually, being so casual about it gives you the aura of confidence because you don't need weird pick-up lines or funny jokes. You're presenting to others as you are, and people -- girls or anyone else -- like that.

 

In terms of specific techniques, especially with girls: questions. Ask them questions--following the topic of conversation, or just random ones. It's a great skill that entails listening and is the crux of carrying a conversation. Conversation is a lost art nowadays, so it's really crucial that you just keep at it, and try.

 

That stranger-a-day technique is really good too, but admittedly I haven't been doing enough of. It's not only good practice, but more importantly a wonderful way of meeting the people that compose this world we live in. I'm pushing myself to everyday.

 

But yes, it's that first step that is the hardest, and we can all relate to that. Breaking the ice. But it's so much easier than all these media/gamers/pop-culture presentations make it out to be. Being pretty reflective, you may want to overthink things (overthinking has been the story of my life, not in a good way), but this is one of those things where overthinking will really hamper you. Don't overthink. Just do it. Of course don't do it blindly--learn from your experiences, what worked what didn't--but then dive back into it.

 

Some quotations that I find compelling in just this aspect of my life, and I hope you find them just as inspiring.

 

I have not failed. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work. -Thomas Edison

 

You'll never win if you don't play the game. -My high school coach on just this matter, in fact.

 

Who dares wins. -Motto of British SAS

 

Best of luck to you.

[colosseum]

Oh, but all this said, don't try so hard. Be yourself, like you said. Okay I'm done.

[NOM]

Thanks again for all the advice. You people are a very helpful bunch!

 

I think you're definitely right on the practice aspect. I'll have to do that some more. Summer is coming, so I think taking up a sport might help me socialise more.

 

I'm not really the kind of guy to use pickup lines, but what I find, is that if I get into a conversation, a lot of times I just come to a dead end and don't know what to say, (and after all, I can't ask everyone the same "do you like music" or "what are your hobbies" questions).

 

Oh, and @True2Form, I went on Omegle.com, and I was able to have a few very nice conversations. What I found was that a good few times, I just ran into those dead ends mentioned above. What I'm wondering is, if I'm like that online, what would I be like in a real face to face conversation?

 

 

Again, thanks for all the help!

 

EDIT: Also, I think fear of rejection plays a big role in my reservedness. Any tips on overcoming these problems?

[You'reasian]

*The thread title should say "Make", not male.

 

 

 

Hello.

 

I'm a guy, almost 17 and I've never had a girlfriend, or yet alone, kissed a girl.

All my life I've been the shy, smart kid in school, but recently I've been trying to come out of that shell and I'm finding it quite challenging (hence the reason I joined this forum).

 

 

Most of the time, I'm a funny talkative sort of guy, but only around my closest friends.

My problem is that I'm very shy around people (especially girls) which, I think is affecting my social skills, as I find it difficult to start conversations with strangers (new faces in school, etc.), or sustain a conversation if someone starts talking to me.

 

I realise that confidence, or in my case, lack of, plays a big part in this. Occasionaly girls say hello to me in the street/ make eye contact, etc, and I've never been able to say anything but say hello back.

 

The most recent exapmple of this, was on a school trip, a girl on a different school I was sitting beside started talking to me, and all I could do was give one word replies, inevetably, ending any chance of further conversation.

 

I've been trying to be myself, relax, and so on around other people, but when I am in a situation or environment where I have the chance to talk to, or meet new people, I seem to crawl back into my reclusive, self conscious, shy state of mind.

 

This frustrates me, because every time I get a chance to not be my usual self, I just throw it away.

 

So without telling my life story, what I'm asking is; How can I be a more sociable person around people I don't know (and especially girls).

 

Be yourself, be less self conscious, confident and relax are all good pieces of advice, but I'd like to know a few "hands on methods" of how to overcome this issue.

 

 

Exactly - be yourself, have fun and do what you enjoy doing.

 

I had a few gf by the time I was 17, but I was far from a mack-daddy (hah - just goes to show how long its been since I've been 17). Had my first real one at 14 - and I wasn't even looking - she just thought I was cute and I mustered the courage to ask her out to the movies

[Mycroft]

Being pretty reflective, you may want to overthink things (overthinking has been the story of my life, not in a good way), but this is one of those things where overthinking will really hamper you. Don't overthink. Just do it. Of course don't do it blindly--learn from your experiences, what worked what didn't--but then dive back into it.

I completely agree with this. I often censored myself around women(or people in general) that I just met, because I was over thinking, and it was totally counterproductive.

[Grimley]

Nom,

 

You are clearly an articulate, bright 17 year old with a good head on his shoulders and a sharp sense of humor. I think that you got some really sound, sensible advice here.

I felt similarly at your age and had difficulty dating and making friends due to shyness and social anxiety. Fortunately, that changed a lot for me in my early 20s.

I think the talking to 2 strangers a day technique will serve you well. Play up your strengths (I don't mean embelish, just let them see the real you) and have some patience...it will happen. You can always ask yourself "what's the worst thing that would happen" if (I talk her her, I say the 'wrong thing', I ask her out, etc.).

 

Best of luck to you.

[NOM]

Grimley, thank you for those compliments. That was the nicest thing I've heard in a while. : )

 

Thanks to everyone for contributing!!

I have tonnes of tips, now the hard part is putting it all into action. I've been trying to be my true self in public lately, and I've had some success. Yet, I still feel like there's something unidentifiable holding me back inside. It's sort of frustrating.

 

 

If anyone's got anything else to add, please do. You've all been really helpful!

[True2form]

 

Oh, and @True2Form, I went on Omegle.com, and I was able to have a few very nice conversations. What I found was that a good few times, I just ran into those dead ends mentioned above. What I'm wondering is, if I'm like that online, what would I be like in a real face to face conversation?

Lolz, Nom, this is what I was trying to teach you... on omegle you are going to have VERY FEW nice convos, because just like life, a lot of people out there are social retards and are going to be really really.....awkwarrrrrrd.

 

Heck, if you want to speak to me on an IM I'd be happy blah blah at you for hours.

 

I think you'd be fine face to face it's nothing to do with omegle. I never stop talking and I find some people on there just complete brick walls!