Working together

[HeidiB125]

My husband and I just had a fight. You see he and the OW still work together. The affair happened in 2007 but it was an ongoing "relationship" since 2003. I had hoped she would leave but it looks like she is there to stay. I told my husband this morning that he needed to find another job. That I don't think I can stand them seeing each other every day indefinitely. The thought of 5 or 10 years going by and they're still there together is too much for me.

 

He was very defensive and said that they had come to realize that nothing is ever going to happen between them so they have just excepted that fact and have gotten on with their lives. I said that was all well and good for him but that it was about me and my feelings and not about them.

 

I do believe my husband when he tells me that it's over so no need to give me advice there. It's just that what is your opinion on the success rate of marriages where there is still contact with the OW on this level? It still bothers me and after seeing my husband's reaction this morning I feel that's enough to questions us going further, never mind the actual issue of them still working together. Again, please no remarks about them still having an affair...I know they're not. This is the platonic work relationship after the affair and how it effects me therefore us is what I'm questioning. When I say platonic I mean, no contact except for work. I see the emails she sends and he sends and it's strictly business also he says that there is NO CONTACT on any personal level whatsoever. I have trust issues about that but when all is said and done I do believe him.

[Reggie]

I think you are right on and he should find another job. It is perfectly normal for you to have a problem with ongoing contact. Almost all counselors dealing with this insist that no contact, ever, is critical to recovery.

[HeidiB125]

You know, Reggie, at first I didn't believe this. I even told my husband that I didn't think it would be a problem, him working with her, since he did have such a great job...good money, close to home, etc. And for all I focus on it I do believe him when he says "he's over it". But I can't seem to get beyound the fact that after being so intimate with each other that they can just go on with life as usual. Seeing each other in the hall or in the break room. I put myself in his position and I think I could be the same way as he is but that I would acknowledge that it might be too difficult for him. Just not sure if it's a me issue or a relationship issue. Can I just deal with it....any success stories out there?

[jj33]

Maddisue as a former OW who works with xMM I would say its mixed.

 

I hope you are paraphrasing when you note your H's response "they had come to realize that nothing is ever going to happen between them so they have just excepted that fact and have gotten on with their lives".

 

That is a troublesome response because it suggests resignation rather than a realization that he doesnt WANT anything to happen.

 

xMM and I are in the former category, we have realized... that we cant have an A and he is not going to leave. So we repress our feelings and get on with our lives. But the feelings are still there and if I said yes I would go back to the A, he would jump at it.

 

That being said as I dont "jump at it", we have a very good professional relationship. We work closely together on a number of big customers, we assist each other with market intelligence, we look out for each other, and are protective of each others' interests in a way we might not have been if we had never had the A so in a way its a win win on a business level.

 

There is nothing inappropriate, we do not spend time together that is not wholly business related, do not call each other "just to chat", do not text just to chat, tho I think sometimes we communicate more closely than we need to, there is always some business reason for each and every communication. No how was your weekend, no do you miss me, no flirting or sexual innuendo (at this point, it took a long time to get him to cut that out). But now it is all fine.

 

The issue is your Hs attitude. He has to be HAPPY that its over (maybe that is asking too much but I dont think so). He chose to stay married to you and he should be THRILLED that you agreed to stay with him and work on the marriage. There should be no wistful what ifs. If there are, then of course you are uncomfortable with him working with her.

 

If I were xMMs wife, I would NOT be happy that he was in such close contact with me, knowing how he feels. However she doesnt care, never did. She just wants him showing up and bringing home the bacon without embarrassing her by being indiscreet.

 

So yes it can be fine. It all depends on your Hs attitude. Look at it this way there are always people who will find H attractive and always people who will find him attractive (same with you). The issue is how does he deal with that. He needs to be what I call closed to the attentions of OW or any other women other than you. That is his issue and his challenge. Getting OW out of the workplace wont matter unless he knows where his bread is buttered (so to speak).

 

In this economy its not surprising she is not going anywhere. He needs to fix whatever it is in him that made him vulnerable to the A in the first place. She is just a symptom. Easy for me to say, if I were you I would not want them together either, but you are where you are.

 

I hope it works out.

[Spark1111]

Hey Maddie, I feel for you and so agree with JJ. It's his attitude more than anything that re-establishes trust between the two of you.

 

I have had success with my WS, by trying to get him to really understand my feelings by reversing the scenario: What IF I still saw my former AP at work on a daily basis, even if it was over, even if everyone had moved on, even if it was strictly professional?

 

He would be out of his mind, period.

 

Sometimes, what we are looking for is just an understanding and an acknowledgement of our feelings and our ongoing insecurities, caused by the affair. You are not wrong to ever express these thoughts and feelings to him. What you are looking for is reassurance and he should provide that for as long as you need it.

[HeidiB125]

I believe the "resignation" part of their relationship is that they can no longer be friends or have that aspect of their relationship. The "realization" part I believe, at least from my husband's perspective is that he does not want to EVER have another affair, either with her or with anyone else. He's made it clear to me that the experience he had with her was SO difficult on that level and the guilt so heavy to bare that he would NEVER have another affair. When he was "in it" he told me that it just felt "too good" to not go there. Her attention and the escape it provided from himself and our marriage issues were too strong. He said the hardest thing about it was lying to me and feeling like he wanted it to end, he knew it was wrong, but he felt powerless in himself to make it happen. I know it sounds like excuses but I do believe he's trying to be honest with me. It was like they would talk about stopping but then never took the steps to make it happen. He said she would feel the same way but the feelings she had for him would keep them crossing the line. I felt that they were very ignorant or just plain stupid to think they could police themselves. Thank you for your insight it does help me.

[HeidiB125]

Spark, I so agree. I think when I get focused on the fact that they still work together and it bothers me, I just want him to understand where I'm coming from and not get defensive and try to "convince" me that I shouldn't feel that way. Just give me some encouragement, reaffirm our committment, tell me he loves me and let's move on. He said to me point blank today that he just doesn't like to talk about "IT"...period. I said that it wasn't about him and that I was talking to him about MY needs. If he didn't want to ever talk about it then he should never have gone there. He's got to realize that sometimes he's going to HAVE to talk about it and the sooner he learns what needs to be said and how to deal with this aftermath the quicker I'll get past this and the happier our marriage will be. Why can't he get that through his thick head?!?

[OWoman]

I'm not sure how relevant my experience is, but on the off-chance:

 

I had an A with a MM that I subsequently landed up working with (reporting to, in fact...). I broke it off with him at that point, to avoid the inevitable complications. But it was not unproblematic - we worked very closely, and his W found it very threatening, even though she did not know of the (long over) A. In the end, it all blew up very badly and he and his W (who had come to do some part-time work there to keep an eye on him) landed up losing their jobs.

 

To me, the A was over - I had no problems working alongside my xMM and considered my behaviour professional throughout. In retrospect, though, I realise that I'd been given structural access way beyond my position - due, no doubt, to our former intimacy - and that this must have raised questions for other staff. Being new there, I had no idea of these codes and simply accepted it as "normal". But although I found it easy to shift from being lovers to being colleagues, he found it less easy, and spent a great deal of time hanging out in my office (all of his other line reports would have scheduled, formal meetings with him in his office) and acting more like a buddy than a boss. Had I been more sussed at the time (I was very very much younger!) I'd have picked up on all the subtle signals and I'd have known that things weren't working as smoothly as I imagined, and I wouldn't have been caught so by surprise when it all blew up.

 

JJ's point about your H's attitude is critical here, I think. If he's resigned to the end of the A but is submitting rather than embracing that, then their continued working together will just continue to remind him of what might have been, like a grain of sand wearing away inside a shoe. But even if he's made the switch to the mindset I was in, you may still not be out of the woods, because she may not have, and may still through imperceptible ways be sending signals out that others may pick up and fan, that the R between them is not strictly professional. The risk does remain, IMO.

 

I don't know what to advise on this - perhaps nothing ever comes of it, and they carry on working side by side for years to come, the A a thing of the past... But if that continues to worry you, or continues for either he or she to be something they ponder upon "what if..." in moments of nostalgia - ultimately it will be stressful to your M and make the recovery more difficult.

 

Sometimes these things aren't as easy as we imagine to deal with. There were real moments between them and real memories remain - memories that may be triggered in unanticipated ways during their routine interactions at work, that might cause either of them if only for an instant to wonder... It IS a risk. It might be a small, infinitesimal or totally negligible risk, but only you can tell how much of a risk you're happy to deal with. If your gut is saying it's a problem, I'd listen. Guts have a horrible way of knowing things our conscious minds aren't yet able to verbalise. Subjecting yourself to more stress than you need will not help your recovery.

[Spark1111]

Owoman, I so agree with you. We can never truly know what is in someone else's heart or mind. What emotions, memories, are being triggered by daily exposure to the AP?

 

But I found, in the aftermath of the affair, the process of healing the relationship is in, and of itself, a full-time job. The process of understanding why it occurred is another. Re-building is exhausting and exhilirating. When that becomes the goal, the goal of us, she becomes less important to the goal, as she should be, and dwelling on her (or him) becomes counterproductive "to us."

 

But you must always trust your gut instincts and operate from a position of strength, when you truly feel stronger and more confident, another very lengthy process after an affair.

 

If I ever have an intuition, not an insecurity, that the relationship has re-ignited, I am so out of here forever, and have made that very clear to him. It is the only way I can have the strength necessary to work on the relationship now. And expressing my insecurities to my spouse, and having him understand them, is very important to my process.