Marsha Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 A few days ago I found an e mail from my husbands lover. He has told me he had an affair and has now broken it off. He told me he joined a dating club and met her on line. He said they have been talking by email, phone and have slept together twice since March. He tells me this was not a serious affair and never had any intenton of leaving me but I am so hurt and angry and confused. I never thought he would do this to me. Twice I found he had joined a dating club on line and twice he has promised to quit them. He tells me he will not do it again and he is sorry. I do not know what to do. We are arguing a lot. He does not like when I cry and I can tell he is discusted with it. He tells me he is walking on egg shells. I do not want to argue with him and sometimes try to stay out of his way but it seems when I do he will start to harrass me and then I will get angry and yell at him. I told him I feel he is only sorry he got caught and not sorry he hurt me and I can not stay with him if he is not really sorry for what he did because he will do it again and it is hard for me to be here when I feel is is not so sorry he has hurt me. When I say this he get angry with me and starts yelling and harassing me. He does not want me to leave and I do not want to leave if he is really sorry but if he is not I think I must leave. If I leave him I must do it behind his back because he will not accept that as an option. I do not want to go behind his back. I am so confused and hurt I do not know what to do. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. Since this happened I do not sleep well or eat much at all. I want to forgive him but it is difficult when I am not sure if he is really sorry. I want to be sure he understands what he has done to me so he will never do it again. I feel so hurt and confused I do not know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Here is a terrific link originally posted by one of our regulars, Moimeme. Perhaps it will help you to put things into perspective. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html Link to post Share on other sites
VASH THE STAMPEDE Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 It sounds like you're in fear of leaving him because he might physically abuse you or hurt you. Theres no reason for you to do anything behind his back,he messed up you have the right to leave him.The a**h*** cheated on you twice. Why the hell does he need to join dating clubs for???He married. In my opinion you should leave him.he sounds untrustful and very possessive. Link to post Share on other sites
The Velvet Vixen Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 ((((Marsha)))) I feel for you. Your husband has no right to tell you how you should feel about it. He has no right to tell you that you should not cry. YOU were the one who was betrayed in the worst way by HIM. He deserves to witness day in and day out how badly he's hurt you and he to be yelled at and to feel every ounce of your wrath. He DESERVES to be walking on egg shells day in and day to regain your trust. These affairs were not an accident; your husband deliberately joined dating clubs to find women he could have sex with. He obviously does not feel bad about what he's done because he's blaming YOU for feeling the way you do. If he was genuinely sorry for all the pain he's caused, he would be down on his knees 24/7 begging you for your forgiveness and doing everything in his power to prove that he can be trusted. Do you think you deserve to spend the rest your life with someone who is a perpetual liar, who cheats, who is selfish and insensitive, who has ripped out your heart repeatedly, who you are staying with only out of fear, who is causing you to slowly self-destruct (due to lack of sleeping and eating, and the anger that is slowly eating away at your insides)? Link to post Share on other sites
anonimouse Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 Whilst Velvet Vixen does not agree with me on some things, she has made some valid points and some that I disagree with. I make the assumption that you have decided to make some effort to stay with your husband, or are at least thinking about it. The point I disagree with is the simple fact that if you make your husband walk on egg shells and yell at him every day, he will wonder if it is worth it and possibly leave anyway. I do not argue that you should make it clear he has hurt you, but if you are going to throw it in his face every 5 minutes, you may as well save yourself the effort and end it right now. You should have space when you want it, and you should perhaps try and achieve that by going out somewhere on your own, but at the same time if you are determined to keep him you have to do things together and that do not continually make him think that the grass may be greener elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
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