Stampdaddy update (serious)

[stampdaddy]

I can understand your fear of the future unknowns, but succumbing to it passively, by just allowing it to happen to you, is not a good decision. Why not Go For It? Clearly you don't want to cut it off with her, because you would have already done that (go NC for starters). So why not Commit to going full steam ahead?

 

If it is ONLY because of the social repercussions and What Other's Will Think... to hell with that... the damage has already been done. Her marriage is over, due to her issues and your R with her... ok... so now give it a real chance to succeed... don't be paralyzed by your fear and do nothing!

 

Call her. Tell her to give it a go. Become a firm believer... you are just torturing yourself by leaving everything open with 'possibilities' but just letting fertile ground go unsown... what 'signs' are you looking for? Just do it. You know you want to.

 

Well, I am not going to call her. Not now... It's not so much the "social" repercussions, as much as the repercussions to the children and BS... IF the children are told that there was an OM (H told me he wouldnt do that, but he sure as heck has told everybody else) then you might as well stick a fork in me. If he hasnt, well, then that is a little different. As far as BS goes, this too will need to be "handled" properly. But the track record is that it won't. I mean, sh*t, the conversation should have been had a long time ago.

[norajane]

I can understand your fear of the future unknowns, but succumbing to it passively, by just allowing it to happen to you, is not a good decision. Why not Go For It? Clearly you don't want to cut it off with her, because you would have already done that (go NC for starters). So why not Commit to going full steam ahead?

 

If it is ONLY because of the social repercussions and What Other's Will Think... to hell with that... the damage has already been done. Her marriage is over, due to her issues and your R with her... ok... so now give it a real chance to succeed... don't be paralyzed by your fear and do nothing!

 

Call her. Tell her to give it a go. Become a firm believer... you are just torturing yourself by leaving everything open with 'possibilities' but just letting fertile ground go unsown... what 'signs' are you looking for? Just do it. You know you want to.

 

Athena, he's watched her deceive, manipulate and lie to everyone AND to stamp for over 4 years, maybe 5 now. I don't think his primary concern is what others will say, but whether she's actually capable of not being duplicitous and selfish. He's got a son; she has kids. They come first, but after that, can she think of anyone but herself, enough to be an honest team player in a relationship rather than out for herself? It's a matter of can he trust her not to manipulate him?

[Mino]

Hi Stamp, You know I am going to look at this differently then most here. Sure the things she did in the past were not correct. But the situation was that she was married. I see it this way, let her deal with her D on her own. People DO learn from their mistakes... The Affair is dead, that what had to happen. She and her husband have choosen to close the book on this marriage. allow them to do this. Give her time to heal, she will need this. And if you two still want to get together later, you are building then a NEW relationship and not adding on to the old. Its a fresh slate so to speak.... Take it slow... dont give it all away at once, trust needs time to grow. I think you both have a pretty good shot making it at the end

[quankanne]

I think Mino's got the best advice, to let things play out and herself extricated from this relationship before coming back for more Stampy.

 

a question from left field: Is this woman someone you genuinely want to create a future with despite the fallout from the affair, or is it the idea of having that relationship with someone you connected with?

[Mino]

I think Mino's got the best advice, to let things play out and herself extricated from this relationship before coming back for more Stampy.

 

a question from left field: Is this woman someone you genuinely want to create a future with despite the fallout from the affair, or is it the idea of having that relationship with someone you connected with?

Lol, I say this with hindsight... I wish I would have followed this path.. It seems so much easier then the road that I have chosen...and I cannot say I didnt know better, because this advice was given to me then..

[Mino]

I also believe if you allow her to "grow" through this alone, she will have learned quite a bit about herself, people do sometimes learn from their mistakes. She will be a much better partner for you in the future and wont take you for granted.

[lkjh]

Hi Stamp, You know I am going to look at this differently then most here. Sure the things she did in the past were not correct. But the situation was that she was married. I see it this way, let her deal with her D on her own. People DO learn from their mistakes... The Affair is dead, that what had to happen. She and her husband have choosen to close the book on this marriage. allow them to do this. Give her time to heal, she will need this. And if you two still want to get together later, you are building then a NEW relationship and not adding on to the old. Its a fresh slate so to speak.... Take it slow... dont give it all away at once, trust needs time to grow. I think you both have a pretty good shot making it at the end

 

I disagree with this. You can not just forget the past, her H, kids, and friends will not.

 

Stamp if you had any respect for her family you would back off now. You would cut her off even if she comes back. Get your own family, don't try to steal someone else's .

[MizzBlue72]

Hi Stamp - I have read all of your stories. I feel for you.

You stay strong - do what is right for you, don't let anyone sway you one way or another.

 

I can say I am really sorry that this is happening ... good luck.

Post - post all you want.

 

Actually - reading your stories has helped some - seeing myself in a different light, the way I was lying, etc. as a MW. I am now divorced, and I can attest that no - no one wants to go through this.

 

IF and only IF you feel like you can be with her - then console her, but don't put all that weight on your shoulders. She has friends, family, etc. She is a big girl, and yes, it is an extremely hard lesson for us women to learn, but we have to start landing and standing on our own two feet.

 

Good luck --

[Liquid]

Don't think for a second that this doesnt weigh on me. I understand...

 

As far as the damage goes, I have to take a long hard look at what WILL lay ahead. How much of a toll will it take on US? This is where I am at.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[Meaplus3]

Stamp, She has put you through holy heck! It's time now for you to see that this woman is no good for you. You have made so much progress and I'm so pleased to see it. Now, one final step for you to take my friend and that is "Forget" about her. Get back out there and find yourself a woman who deserves an awesome man such as yourself! Hugs.

 

Mea:)

[ForumFool]

STAMP, I think I would let her have at least 6 months to be on her own..NC then see how the pieces fit...if they do...Sounds like a lot of damage

[White Flower]

 

I DO NOT want any "congrats Stamp!" because there is absolutely nothing good about this. Especially the way it has all been handled. I also would appreciate limiting the squabbling that has been happening around here lately, as I fail to see it's purpose.

 

I am sure I will be asked, "well, didnt you want her to leave, to get divorced and come to you??" My answer, NOT THIS WAY.... Sure, people get divorced. Marriages don't work out. I met her, she wasnt happy, blah blah blah... NOW, she is being divorced, H has told all about the A. And there can not possibly be a "Happily Ever After".

 

Sometimes I can actually "feel" his feelings, and that too makes me sick. (I am not claiming to feel exactly, but enough to be sick about it).

 

I don't know what to do anymore, how to feel, what to expect. I don't know ANYTHING. She WILL be back and I don't know what to do.

Stamp,

 

You have already expressed remorse (that 'sick' feeling) to the BH, your MW, and most importantly, to yourself. You walked away in the kindest manner and let the cards fall where they may.

 

For this, anyone who blames you for 'stealing' another mans W just doesn't know the whole story. BH knows you walked away and allowed them to salvage what they could. Well, they couldn't. The problems that led to MW having an affair were still there and not dealt with. This was NEVER your problem nor your fault. Yet, you backed off and let them work on things, hurting the whole time you were away and alone.

 

I agree with most that you should encourage MW to get her life in order and to heal. If the love is still strong down the line on both parts, then it will be worth waiting for.

 

Big hugs.

[lkjh]

Stamp,

 

You have already expressed remorse (that 'sick' feeling) to the BH, your MW, and most importantly, to yourself. You walked away in the kindest manner and let the cards fall where they may.

 

For this, anyone who blames you for 'stealing' another mans W just doesn't know the whole story. BH knows you walked away and allowed them to salvage what they could. Well, they couldn't. The problems that led to MW having an affair were still there and not dealt with. This was NEVER your problem nor your fault. Yet, you backed off and let them work on things, hurting the whole time you were away and alone.

 

I agree with most that you should encourage MW to get her life in order and to heal. If the love is still strong down the line on both parts, then it will be worth waiting for.

 

Big hugs.

 

 

He didn't walk away. He stayed with her for years even after being caught multiple times and now he still stays in contact with her. What is your definition of walking away?

[White Flower]

He didn't walk away. He stayed with her for years even after being caught multiple times and now he still stays in contact with her. What is your definition of walking away?

He told her he didn't want to be part of an A anymore. If she calls he answers, but does not call her (from what I understand). He does not want her in an affair capacity any longer. It has been this way for months and months, maybe even a year?

 

I wonder if you ever walked away from someone who's very breath allows you to breathe? It is excruciatingly painful yet Stamp did just this. He wants to be there for her yet he set his standards and barring a few telephone calls he has kept to them.

 

He gave them plenty of time to work on it or do whatever they wanted to do. He hears they are divorcing. If she calls him, it's not his fault. If he loves her, he can listen to her. As far as we know he is telling her not to call him until she is D'd. He is not sleeping with her nor making it difficult for her to save her M. This is all on her. If her H can't or won't get counseling, THAT is on HIM. Not Stamp.

 

So, he HAS walked away from her. But she still walks up to him. I'm sure he'll open the door once papers are signed and the ink is dry. Who could blame him? He did what he could; the right thing.

[Reggie]

Stamp, consider that having this woman in your life may interfere with the number of rounds you can get in. Get your priorities straight. Your index will skyrocket with this millstone around your neck. You need to play more golf and focus on someething that is truly meaningful, like your short game, or working the ball.:bunny:

[JMC]

Wow Stampdaddy...I haven't been here in a loooong time. I remember your very first posts. The heartbreaking, heartwrenching things you were going thru. It's so cool to see you here now.

 

I think I might post an update about mine too.

[lkjh]

He told her he didn't want to be part of an A anymore. If she calls he answers, but does not call her (from what I understand). He does not want her in an affair capacity any longer. It has been this way for months and months, maybe even a year?

 

I wonder if you ever walked away from someone who's very breath allows you to breathe? It is excruciatingly painful yet Stamp did just this. He wants to be there for her yet he set his standards and barring a few telephone calls he has kept to them.

 

He gave them plenty of time to work on it or do whatever they wanted to do. He hears they are divorcing. If she calls him, it's not his fault. If he loves her, he can listen to her. As far as we know he is telling her not to call him until she is D'd. He is not sleeping with her nor making it difficult for her to save her M. This is all on her. If her H can't or won't get counseling, THAT is on HIM. Not Stamp.

 

So, he HAS walked away from her. But she still walks up to him. I'm sure he'll open the door once papers are signed and the ink is dry. Who could blame him? He did what he could; the right thing.

 

 

He didn't hear they were divorcing, she told him. He is keeping a room for her and all of his post are about how he is still there for her.

 

Walking away is not contacting that person anymore. Not helping her cheat on years and then coaching her through her divorce. If he goes 1 year with out talking to her then he can honestly say he walked away. But for the current time, he says they go 2 maybe 3 weeks with no contact at most. None of this is walking away.

[White Flower]

He didn't hear they were divorcing, she told him. He is keeping a room for her and all of his post are about how he is still there for her.

 

Walking away is not contacting that person anymore. Not helping her cheat on years and then coaching her through her divorce. If he goes 1 year with out talking to her then he can honestly say he walked away. But for the current time, he says they go 2 maybe 3 weeks with no contact at most. None of this is walking away.

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. If you look back at his posts you'll see he created that room years ago and now everything is boxed up and she knows this. She cannot knock on his door and expect him to grant her a booty call and she knows he means business with regard to crossing old lines.

 

Perhaps he is 'there for her' if and only if she is divorced. Isn't that what most BS and other posters at LS suggest an OP do? Wait for the ink to dry on the D papers? It sounds like Stamp is doing that to me. Talking on the phone about how everything is screwed up doesn't sound romantic to me, nor does it ring of rosy times to come. This is a mess and Stamp doesn't know how to be a part of her life without fingers being pointed at them for all future. It is not the future he imagined with her and posts about his frustration with that. Hence this thread.

[JMC]

And for God's sake, SD is human!

 

Who among us, in this whole world, is made of this supposed industrial-strength steel where we're supposed to do everything so perfectly, so cut & dried, so emotionless? Who? Anyone on this board?

 

We're not android automotons! He's doing great, in my opinion. He knows not to take her back. And if he slips, he'll do the right thing and get his life back on track.

[stampdaddy]

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. If you look back at his posts you'll see he created that room years ago and now everything is boxed up and she knows this. She cannot knock on his door and expect him to grant her a booty call and she knows he means business with regard to crossing old lines.

 

Perhaps he is 'there for her' if and only if she is divorced. Isn't that what most BS and other posters at LS suggest an OP do? Wait for the ink to dry on the D papers? It sounds like Stamp is doing that to me. Talking on the phone about how everything is screwed up doesn't sound romantic to me, nor does it ring of rosy times to come. This is a mess and Stamp doesn't know how to be a part of her life without fingers being pointed at them for all future. It is not the future he imagined with her and posts about his frustration with that. Hence this thread.

 

 

I have done my best, and sure, I have messed up at times. I won't make excuses. I never set out to "steal" another man's family. I do have my own. Was hoping to "add" to mine and "add" to hers, IF things had played out differently. But, they have played out this way. I am just having a very hard time imagining that either one of us has much to "add" to each others "family", especially IF her children are told of this.... I pray that they won't be....

[Owl]

How old are her children?

 

If they're older teens/adults capable of processing the information...I think that they SHOULD be told.

 

Especially in light of the divorce...they should clearly understand WHY the divorce is happening.

 

I insisted that my wife tell our kids (all older teens at the time) that she was getting ready to leave me so she could go live with OM on our d-day.

[stampdaddy]

How old are her children?

 

If they're older teens/adults capable of processing the information...I think that they SHOULD be told.

 

Especially in light of the divorce...they should clearly understand WHY the divorce is happening.

 

I insisted that my wife tell our kids (all older teens at the time) that she was getting ready to leave me so she could go live with OM on our d-day.

 

Well first, nobody is up and leaving to go live with anybody else... Her children range from 9 to 14. So, I guess if you tell the 14 year old (will be 15 this month), you tell the 9 as well?

 

I realize that this is part of the consequences of all of this. I need to re-iterate that things could/should have gone differently. I was always told that they were. I didnt ever "push", I wanted to trust that she would do the right things. Like I have said, she did get them into MC 3 separate times trying to shine light on the problems, and hoping they would just say it was time to end the marriage. BUT, as we all know, that did not happen. Next thing you know, I am telling her that this has become nothing more than an affair and I don't want that, and then we got busted like 2 weeks later... Even after that, there were 100's of times things could have been done differently to salvage alot of things...

[Owl]

I'm curious Stamp...because this is something I faced during my wife's affair...

 

 

HOW did you think that the two of you were going to "meld families" without the truth ever coming out about what led to her divorce from her current H? Did you believe that no one would find out about the affair? Or did you believe that they'd learn about it, but eventually accept it as ok?

 

My wife and her OM talked about this very briefly just before our d-day. I read their IM sessions on this subject. She told him that our kids would be "very unhappy" with her, but they'd come to accept things.

 

Personally, I don't think that they would have...ever. Nor would they have accepted him.

 

But she did realize that they would know the truth about what happened...she just hadn't thought about when they'd learn it, no more than she'd expected to get caught by me so soon.

 

Did the two of you talk about what would happen when everything came out in the open? About how you'd explain it to the kids/friends/families?

[Chrome Barracuda]

The kids will always know. in one way or another!

 

and you know stamp you've focused too much on this woman that is toxic but you really cant blame her because in some form or fashion you allow this to happen to you. You allow her mental space in your mind, you still do limited contact, you still have this fantasy built up about her. Do you want a new life away from her with someone who will do right by you? or you want this toxic woman to use you just like she used her husband?

 

She will. but hey do you.

[stampdaddy]

I'm curious Stamp...because this is something I faced during my wife's affair...

 

 

HOW did you think that the two of you were going to "meld families" without the truth ever coming out about what led to her divorce from her current H? Did you believe that no one would find out about the affair? Or did you believe that they'd learn about it, but eventually accept it as ok?

 

My wife and her OM talked about this very briefly just before our d-day. I read their IM sessions on this subject. She told him that our kids would be "very unhappy" with her, but they'd come to accept things.

 

Personally, I don't think that they would have...ever. Nor would they have accepted him.

 

But she did realize that they would know the truth about what happened...she just hadn't thought about when they'd learn it, no more than she'd expected to get caught by me so soon.

 

Did the two of you talk about what would happen when everything came out in the open? About how you'd explain it to the kids/friends/families?

 

Well, of course now I am looking backwards, to the first year to two.. Obviously when we started out (I will speak for me) thought that we met, I just showed up early and people do get divorced. She want happy, and I didnt have the first clue about being in an affair. I have stated that I didnt "believe" that I was actually in one. Anyway, maybe I would have been the "opening of her eyes" that she want happy and decided to divorce, but I wasnt the actual CAUSE of it. Of course, this would take time, I didnt expect her to just up and leave after six months, maybe even a year. But when we got to year 2, things start to get more complicated. WHAT am I at this point? So, I start to allude that "something" needs to change. This is when the MC started, so, I am thinking OK, they will see that it is time to do something different. Neither of them are happy, and the marriage wasnt working, so let's start a "new" relationship as co-parents. I was still "safe". Something always came up, not the right time, etc.. (now I know that it is always the case). Year 3, is when I had the talk with her saying that all we are now is an affair, and I do NOT want that. But then we got found out...

 

So to answer your question, I (we) did talk about it and seemed to have it under control back then. I wasnt in any hurry o meld the families, it would have happened over its due time. NOW, things are completely different, for EVERYBODY. I mean, how in the world can I bring in her children (the 2 younger ones that are my sons age) into my sons life, when they hate me, and my son doesnt understand WHY???