Stampdaddy update (serious)

[whichwayisup]

You don't play. It's all out of your hands now - All you can do is focus on you, your life and kids. Whatever is going to happen in the future is unknown, so try not to project into the future, worry about the what if's..

[OWoman]

You're thinking that the kids would WELCOME someone who helped betray one of their parents, and deliberately help sabotage their family and homelife?

 

Some do. My siblings and I took to my Dad's OW from the start, and have forged wonderful, strong Rs with her over the years. We didn't for one instant hold anything against her - we'd seen first hand how broken our parents' M was, remember - and we were just pleased that my Dad had found someone genuinely nice, that we liked too.

 

I can understand that things were very different in your situation, Owl - and that your kids wouldn't feel the same way as we did. But it all depends on what they've lived through at home, and how they experienced their parents' M and what they hoped for as a resolution.

 

If it really was as broken as Stamp suggests, there's no reason why they wouldn't come to love him - hey, he's a really nice guy, we all love him - once they got to know him. I was amazed at just how easy that part was with my H's kids - I've step-parented before, and know how complex the dynamics can be, but with them there has been nothing but genuine warmth and caring and welcoming. It doesn't have to be fraught and hostile. Each situation is different.

[whichwayisup]

we'd seen first hand how broken our parents' M was, remember - and we were just pleased that my Dad had found someone genuinely nice, that we liked too.

 

Your situation is different than Stamps MW's situation at home. Those kids didn't see their parents fighting, having issues.

[boldjack]

Shemp, the bottom line here is that there are a great many variables and dynamics working here. Your relationship with her would be difficult , even if there were no children. You will always be wondering about her fidelity towards you, you will have guilt feelings about her marriage and it's dissolution, etc. Then, to add the children to the mix, adds another level of problems and concerns for you to deal with. I feel for you, buddy. My take is, that you and her need to maintain, very limited contact, for the time being. She, and her ex, need to establish a new routine for the kids , based on their well-being and the custody constraints. After the dust has settled, then you can see if there is any chance of furthering the relationship.

[Owl]

I buy that Stamp is actually a nice guy...and "worth" loving.

 

But I doubt that will be enough for her family and friends to forgive him for his part in the betrayal and end of the previous family and relationship. At least not any time in the near future...years from now, perhaps.

 

I'd also add that I'm not surprised that you were accepted in your H's family, given the abusive situation you've described that he was in prior.

 

But I'd consider that as not a common situation, at least based off the stories I've read here and other places. I'd figure that my situation was more "run of the mill".

[stampdaddy]

Shemp, the bottom line here is that there are a great many variables and dynamics working here. Your relationship with her would be difficult , even if there were no children. You will always be wondering about her fidelity towards you, you will have guilt feelings about her marriage and it's dissolution, etc. Then, to add the children to the mix, adds another level of problems and concerns for you to deal with. I feel for you, buddy. My take is, that you and her need to maintain, very limited contact, for the time being. She, and her ex, need to establish a new routine for the kids , based on their well-being and the custody constraints. After the dust has settled, then you can see if there is any chance of furthering the relationship.

 

This, my friend, is exactly where I am at and the only thing I can do. I will NOT contact her. If she fades away, then so be it. She was seeing the same things I am, and the children come first. There will be no running to me, kids in tow. There will be no SD riding over on a big white horse to save the day. I think the initial custody stategy was one week on, one week off, so WE will have time to take it slow and figure it all out if we choose to. I feel for me too, so thanks to everybody for helping me through this.

[boldjack]

LQ, I have always found Tami's posts to be thoughtful and reasoned. Yes they seem to be naive, to me, but that maybe because she has a very optimistic and proactive outlook. SHE may think I'm an a**hole, but I don't return the feeling. I wish more people like her posted.

[GorillaTheater]

This, my friend, is exactly where I am at and the only thing I can do. I will NOT contact her. If she fades away, then so be it. She was seeing the same things I am, and the children come first. There will be no running to me, kids in tow. There will be no SD riding over on a big white horse to save the day. I think the initial custody stategy was one week on, one week off, so WE will have time to take it slow and figure it all out if we choose to. I feel for me too, so thanks to everybody for helping me through this.

 

Stamp, sounds like you've taken the best approach possible. I wish you the best possible outcome, whatever that may turn out to be. We just don't want your heart broken, pal. So like others have said, guard it carefully.

[Reggie]

Liquid, I am asking you to stay off of my thread.. I have had enough of your bullsh*t! You have offered absolutely nothing in the form of advise, support (and I am not talking about holding my f**king hand). Go find somewhere else to play....

 

Liquid is giving you much better input than the stuff you are seeing from Tami, Stamp. That nonsense about everyone singing Kumbaya etc. is not realistic.

[stampdaddy]

Liquid is giving you much better input than the stuff you are seeing from Tami, Stamp. That nonsense about everyone singing Kumbaya etc. is not realistic.

 

Reggie. You get off my thread too!!!!

 

just kiddin, man..

 

Listen, I know what Tami is saying in my case is VERY unrealistic of happening. I am not counting on it. I am not hoping for it. Why waste my time even thinking about it?

Her overall point, however is this: IF her and I are going to wind up together anyway, he can't stop it. (not saying that even this is going to happen). IF we were together in the end, he also wouldnt have a say regarding the children being around me (again, would NEVER take this subject lightly or for granted, this is why I am posting). The BIGGER PICTURE would be, if we were going to end up together, and the children at some point would be around, WHY IN THE WORLD would you continue to paint NEGATIVE pictures filled with hatred, spite, resentment and whatever else that would be negative? I mean really, why do that?

 

In my case, with my exW and her new family, I am VERY glad I chose the path I did. (of course the situation is different, very different). For something like 6 years, I thought that they had an affair of some sort, and it cause MY marriage to break apart. But I never pushed it, cause, what difference would it have made? I still to this day do not know for sure. All I know now, is that he is a good guy, and a part of my "bigger picture".

 

Anyway, I think if you and the others look at the bigger picture of this thread, and look at MY replies, you can see where I am at. I am not going to just take what Tami says (or any one poster) and just go running with it. I am going to take her comments, your comments and the others and sift them out and see what I come up with. I am going to take Liquids and go flush them down the toilet where they belong. He/she has not once said something that has value to it.

[boldjack]

Who knows why people do the things they do. The one thing you can be sure of is that what ever you would do , somebody else will do the opposite. You did the right thing with your marriage, but H may be too filled with bile to let his go, without raising hell. I hope not. Time will tell, and that's what ALL of you need most.

[Reggie]

Here's what i did with my kids, Stamp. I told them the truth about the man they were now living with. I told them that he had been having an affair with my XW for a year before i found out. I told them they were being lied to and that this was a man that had demostrated he was a liar and not trustworthy.

Now, all of that is completely true. I wanted my kids to know what type of person was being brought into their lives.

Stamp, you must admit you were lying and cheating for a long time. Not everyone is capable of that. This woman's H has an obligation to protect his kids from someone that has a track record like that. It does reflect on your character.

You can change and improve your character, no doubt. But, withkids involved, in close proximity to someone that has had relations with one's wife and hurt the family, this guy would be remiss in not warning them about your past behavior. I'm sure you would agree it was not honorable.

[Reggie]

Who knows why people do the things they do. The one thing you can be sure of is that what ever you would do , somebody else will do the opposite. You did the right thing with your marriage, but H may be too filled with bile to let his go, without raising hell. I hope not. Time will tell, and that's what ALL of you need most.

 

This guy has an absolute obligation to protect his kids from a man who has done this. His hands are tied re the ability to prevent contact. But, the kids should know about this so they can assess him and protect themselves.

The type of lying that goes on in an affair is an indication that the person lacks integrity in other areas. i don't think there is any debate on that.

[stampdaddy]

Here's what i did with my kids, Stamp. I told them the truth about the man they were now living with. I told them that he had been having an affair with my XW for a year before i found out. I told them they were being lied to and that this was a man that had demostrated he was a liar and not trustworthy.

Now, all of that is completely true. I wanted my kids to know what type of person was being brought into their lives.

Stamp, you must admit you were lying and cheating for a long time. Not everyone is capable of that. This woman's H has an obligation to protect his kids from someone that has a track record like that. It does reflect on your character.

You can change and improve your character, no doubt. But, withkids involved, in close proximity to someone that has had relations with one's wife and hurt the family, this guy would be remiss in not warning them about your past behavior. I'm sure you would agree it was not honorable.

 

Well, I won't get into a back and forth about who I am and what kind of beliefs I have and how good I and others around me think my heart truly is. I won't deny that the Affair was HORRIBLE, and I am absolutely sick about the way this has turned out. I won't defend my actions as I can't. That would not be honorable. I know who I am and what I am capable of and that is loving. Loving in ways that are beautiful. I don't know what else to say.

[Die Hard]

Liquid, I am asking you to stay off of my thread.. I have had enough of your bullsh*t! You have offered absolutely nothing in the form of advise, support (and I am not talking about holding my f**king hand). Go find somewhere else to play....

this is just too rich. You don't like someone playing in YOUR thread? How about you playing in someone else's marriage? I've seen enough of your posts now to see that you are simply a cheater and not a guy who got wrapped up in a bad situation. You ARE the bad situation, and all this crap about how you know how to love beautifully, is just that..crap.

 

You don't know the first thing about love and that is why your marriage failed and why you've been in a four year affair. If you were such a loving person one of these women would have kept you and made you theirs by now.

 

You put on this act,and I bought it too for awhile but like reggie says it takes a certain kind of person to continue on in this for YEARS and once in awhile you slip up and let the REAL stampdaddy show through in your posts.

 

You are deluded, selfish and a cheater, not a poor OM trying to do right. You threw "right" and "love" out the window a long time ago and have been out for yourself ever since. I suspect you play this nice guy act in real life too.

 

I don't post any of this lightly. I stayed out of this thread but someone has to back up reggie and others who are posting the truth as opposed to the act you put on here. Words vs. actions: your words here at LS NEVER match your actions in real life. A "nice" guy does not stay in an affair for years, even after this poor guy found out you kept hurting him. You are not a good person and I'd never want you involved with my sister or mother or anyone I know. You expect me to believe you'll change your nature after you get this girl? People don't change their nature and all this is who you really are.

[pkn06002]

this is just too rich. You don't like someone playing in YOUR thread? How about you playing in someone else's marriage? I've seen enough of your posts now to see that you are simply a cheater and not a guy who got wrapped up in a bad situation. You ARE the bad situation, and all this crap about how you know how to love beautifully, is just that..crap.

 

You don't know the first thing about love and that is why your marriage failed and why you've been in a four year affair. If you were such a loving person one of these women would have kept you and made you theirs by now.

 

You put on this act,and I bought it too for awhile but like reggie says it takes a certain kind of person to continue on in this for YEARS and once in awhile you slip up and let the REAL stampdaddy show through in your posts.

 

You are deluded, selfish and a cheater, not a poor OM trying to do right. You threw "right" and "love" out the window a long time ago and have been out for yourself ever since. I suspect you play this nice guy act in real life too.

 

I don't post any of this lightly. I stayed out of this thread but someone has to back up reggie and others who are posting the truth as opposed to the act you put on here. Words vs. actions: your words here at LS NEVER match your actions in real life. A "nice" guy does not stay in an affair for years, even after this poor guy found out you kept hurting him. You are not a good person and I'd never want you involved with my sister or mother or anyone I know. You expect me to believe you'll change your nature after you get this girl? People don't change their nature and all this is who you really are.

 

What is point of your post??

 

Feel better now?

[pkn06002]

This guy has an absolute obligation to protect his kids from a man who has done this. His hands are tied re the ability to prevent contact. But, the kids should know about this so they can assess him and protect themselves.

The type of lying that goes on in an affair is an indication that the person lacks integrity in other areas. i don't think there is any debate on that.

 

So they can assess him based on your views?

 

Called loading the deck and making sure he has no success.

 

Stampdaddy did no lying to father of those children, the wife did. Same with your children, your wife lied to you not the OM. What you did just shows how vindictive someone can be when they lose.

[Die Hard]

What is point of your post??

 

Feel better now?

 

My point is twofold: one to keep it real, and two to undo some of my supportive posts I've made toward stampdaddy. He didn't deserve them as he's not he guy I thought he was. I hope this woman gets her divorve and gets away from the men who have been in her life. She has her faults but I can't help but think getting an enabler(ex h) and a cheater(stamp) gone from one's life would be a positive thing for her.

 

And yes I feel much better as a matter of fact. Thank you for asking.

[JMC]

Diehard, Stampdaddy didn't deserve your scathing tirade. He's a good person. He's human, like all of us. I hope you're perfect enough to back up the high standards you're holding SD to.

 

It is not right or fair to take out your rage on the OM of your situation on anyone here.

[Die Hard]

Diehard, Stampdaddy didn't deserve your scathing tirade. He's a good person. He's human, like all of us. I hope you're perfect enough to back up the high standards you're holding SD to.

 

It is not right or fair to take out your rage on the OM of your situation on anyone here.

I have no rage but whether he deserved what I said is a matter of opinion. You have yours, I have mine.

 

All I have to go by are his threads and posts and his actions do not match his posts(well except the posts where his mask comes off)

 

Trust me, if this woman dumps stamp after the divorve, she's going to see a side of him he rarely let's anyone see and it ain't gonna be white horses and beautiful love.

[RinClavin]

She has her faults but I can't help but think getting an enabler(ex h) and a cheater(stamp) gone from one's life would be a positive thing for her.

 

So how is Stamp a cheater? Just curious. He was divorced years before he became involved with his MW... and thus SHE was the cheater. Sure you can place some blame on him for the act of cheating... if you subscribe to that kind of thinking. But in that case, if you're going to blame the OM for being available to the cheater, you'd have to blame the BS for "forcing" the WS to cheat by making the marriage so unbearable.

 

I think you'll agree that the latter is ludicrous. Here's the thing... as individuals WE are responsible for our actions. Others' actions factor in but they do not cause us to act (or not act) unless we allow them. The idea that the OM/W is cheating is equally as ridiculous as the idea that the BS caused the WS to cheat by neglecting their needs.

 

Your posts are laid out well enough, and as such, I'm sure Stamp will be able to sift through them and pull out what he needs. That said I'd still like to know why you call him a cheater.

[bentnotbroken]

So how is Stamp a cheater? Just curious. He was divorced years before he became involved with his MW... and thus SHE was the cheater. Sure you can place some blame on him for the act of cheating... if you subscribe to that kind of thinking. But in that case, if you're going to blame the OM for being available to the cheater, you'd have to blame the BS for "forcing" the WS to cheat by making the marriage so unbearable.

 

I think you'll agree that the latter is ludicrous. Here's the thing... as individuals WE are responsible for our actions. Others' actions factor in but they do not cause us to act (or not act) unless we allow them. The idea that the OM/W is cheating is equally as ridiculous as the idea that the BS caused the WS to cheat by neglecting their needs.

 

Your posts are laid out well enough, and as such, I'm sure Stamp will be able to sift through them and pull out what he needs. That said I'd still like to know why you call him a cheater.

 

I don't get this statement.

[Die Hard]

So how is Stamp a cheater? Just curious. He was divorced years before he became involved with his MW... and thus SHE was the cheater. Sure you can place some blame on him for the act of cheating... if you subscribe to that kind of thinking. But in that case, if you're going to blame the OM for being available to the cheater, you'd have to blame the BS for "forcing" the WS to cheat by making the marriage so unbearable.

 

I think you'll agree that the latter is ludicrous. Here's the thing... as individuals WE are responsible for our actions. Others' actions factor in but they do not cause us to act (or not act) unless we allow them. The idea that the OM/W is cheating is equally as ridiculous as the idea that the BS caused the WS to cheat by neglecting their needs.

 

Your posts are laid out well enough, and as such, I'm sure Stamp will be able to sift through them and pull out what he needs. That said I'd still like to know why you call him a cheater.

you ask a fair question.

 

The reason I call him a cheater is because at some point you stop being in an unplanned situation to being right where you want to be. Stamp is now past the point of being an om who is wayward, so to say, to being a willing, no, willful participant in hurting others. He talks a great game but when push comes to shove he'll hurt whomever is in the way of what he wants. He displays the traits I've seen in cheaters. I often agree with the notion that the om/ow are not the cheater but at some point there has to be a sense of fair play and stamp stopped playing fair a long time ago. After YEARS of this nonsense, he deserves the cheater label, imo, as much as the mw he's been involved with.

 

He cannot, and people here cannot, imo, continue to see him as any sort of victim. He's no better than the mw. I did not always believe that but after the nonsense he has continued to perpetrate against this woman's husband and her kids I can't come to any other conclusion. At the end of the day stamp wants what he wants everyone else be damned. That is how cheaters think. Ordinarily I agree with what you posted but not as it pertains to stamp. Not anymore.

[lkjh]

Die Hard makes a really good point. Just because stamp comes on here crying about his life and claiming he is some good guy caught up in a bad situation does not make it true.

 

This has been going on for several years. At some point you people need to realize that he is responsible for his action. The H and kids will have this burden for life. He needs to be a man and take responsibility.

[Die Hard]

Well, I won't get into a back and forth about who I am and what kind of beliefs I have and how good I and others around me think my heart truly is. I won't deny that the Affair was HORRIBLE, and I am absolutely sick about the way this has turned out. I won't defend my actions as I can't. That would not be honorable. I know who I am and what I am capable of and that is loving. Loving in ways that are beautiful. I don't know what else to say.

I just want folks to understand here that my intent is not to bash stamp but to be brutally honest. The post I quoted is what caused me to post. People keep posting what a great person stamp is and he keeps trying to perpetuate it with this crap about honor and beautiful love. Again, the words don't match the actions. If people can post their opinion about his current character then so should I be able to, even though it differs from some others' opinions.

 

some more truth: stamp may very well be a good person but he has not been acting like it in quite some time. He has kids of his own and knows very damn well the consequences he has brought upon the mw's kids. Can you imagine going to bed at night scared that your life is going to change forever over something like this? I went through it when my dad was dying and I imagine this is even worse than a dying parent. At least dying you can understand even at that age.

 

Stamp keeps saying it weighs on him but I suspect it won't weigh on him at all as long as he gets the girl.

 

This is a rhetorical question for stamp but you speak of beautiful love etc.., but you ended up divorced. Have you considered that it's possible you don't have great instincts as to what love really is? Somewhere along the line you've lost yourself stamp and if you're a nice guy you'll get your act together and quit talking about "we" as in the mw and yourself, and move on and stop fantasizing about golf with her husband. If you end up with her, great, but you need some serious work beforehand or you'll just end up divorced again.