To OW/OM - what would you do if BS committed suicide as a result of the affair?

[White Flower]

I've thought about how the other would react too. A good friend of mine had an ex do the mentioned. Not exactly the same, but the guilt had to be delt with. He finally ended it, and broke all ties. Two months later, she ended her own life. He said something to me that I have heard before. He said " someone that is able to take their own life is already dealing with some other deep issues " I am responsible for my life, and they for theirs. We all go through tough times, if suicide is an option that is considered to escape the situation, then there is a much deeper problem to be addressed.

Good point. If anyone kills themself in the hopes their loved one will feel the blame, that is a very selfish move.

[Ariadne]

I'd marry the guy of course.

[burning 4 revenge]

I'd marry the guy of course.

his children would hate you

[Ariadne]

his children would hate you

 

Oh, I'd take over the mother role she left behind. How can they hate me for that?

[sb129]

Good grief this forum has taken a rather dark turn of late. All these threads about death "what if the MM died" "what if the OW died" and now what if the BS committed suicide???

 

I think you would have to be made of stone to not feel SOMETHING in that situation.

I am an exOW, and I still feel a little guilty about exMMs W, even though in the end we both agreed to eachother that we were BOTH better off without him.

 

Sure, suicide may be an indicator of prior mental instability, but isn't that even MORE reason why the wandering spouse should keep it in his/her pants?

[burning 4 revenge]

Oh, I'd take over the mother role she left behind. How can they hate me for that?

 

oh theyd love you for that im sure

 

probably cut your image out of family photos with scissors and try and lace your mothers day chocolates with cyanide

[Citizen Erased]

I'd marry the guy of course.

 

This is actually the response I'd imagine would flash through peoples minds.

[Enema]

Ask the MM if the BS had a fat life insurance policy?

 

Oh wait, I'm being silly.

 

Can you even get a payout if it's suicide?

[burning 4 revenge]

Actually Im well acquinted with a situation like this in real life and its ironic, because I was just talking to my uncle's wife to see if she found my cell phone at their house

 

She was having an affair with my uncle and my godmother commited suicide and they ended up getting married

 

This happened after his kids were already in their 20's. The two boys get along with her, but the daughter hates her with a loathing

 

I don't think it bothered her much

 

The sad truth is everyone seems to like her much more than anyone liked my godmother

[Darth Vader]

That's the point. You never know the mental state of another person. I am sure the OW in my situation had no clue the depth of my depression. I had already begun the suicide prep before I discovered the A. OW also has no clue to the amount of mental and emotional abuse I put up with, she only heard his side of me retaliating physically out of frustration and lack of coping skills.

 

 

Glad you're still here! Mr. Messy as you call him isn't worth it! No one is!

 

Just don't do it! There's always Hope!

[tami-chan]

Glad you're still here! Mr. Messy as you call him isn't worth it! No one is!

 

Just don't do it! There's always Hope!

 

lol..darth..your right, as long as there is life, there is hope <forgive the cliche>...

[bentnotbroken]

Glad you're still here! Mr. Messy as you call him isn't worth it! No one is!

 

Just don't do it! There's always Hope!

 

 

God is so good to me. I didn't deserve the second chance to try to make up for my mess, but I am sure glad he did. I am enjoying life, I never knew it could be this good.

[boldjack]

B4R, I'm like you. This happened in my family. A cousin (male) cheated on his wife, she committed suicide. Their two adult children , never spoke to their father again. He tried to connect with them many times and was filled with guilt. He died of cancer, they didn't attend his funeral. If my cousin(female) wanted revenge, she certainly got it. My cousin was a really good guy too.

[Chrome Barracuda]

CB you are so wrong! You have no idea the lengths I went to in order to protect exMM's W from discovering me. If she had discovered me and questioned me I would have told her the truth and also told her I would back off so they can figure out their M. I would NEVER demand he leave because even though I believe we can't really make promises once and forever, ie., marriage vows, I do understand that others expect those promisses to remain credible and ongoing. (Even though we don't know who we are until we're much older). I knew full well what I would have to give up and that I most certainly would not win. That means I care. We are not all the same. I keep telling you that.

 

...I dont think all of y'all are the same. But I dont believe you truly care about the BS, or the Wife of the MM. because if you did you wouldnt have engaged in the affair in the first place, am I right? Just because he's stepping outside his marriage to forfill his needs does not give you the right to revel in the destruction that he's doing.

 

And if you really felt bad you would have "manned up" and told the wife what you was doing, you would have felt remorse for YOUR actions in the affair, right?

 

But why didnt you?

[White Flower]

...I dont think all of y'all are the same. But I dont believe you truly care about the BS, or the Wife of the MM. because if you did you wouldnt have engaged in the affair in the first place, am I right? Just because he's stepping outside his marriage to forfill his needs does not give you the right to revel in the destruction that he's doing.

 

And if you really felt bad you would have "manned up" and told the wife what you was doing, you would have felt remorse for YOUR actions in the affair, right?

 

But why didnt you?

Believe me I thought about it many times. I came here and read about others and what they would do. After mulling it over for a very long time I came to the conclusion that IF the W really wanted to know she would first ask her H, then reach out further and ask me if she found me.

 

Some people are very delicate in nature and cannot take bad news well. They may have a nervous breakdown, break out in shingles, or may already be going through something very stressful. I came to learn she was like this, and I didn't want news about me to push her over the edge.

 

Like I said, if she ever came to me, I would hold nothing back. Seek and ye shall find. Asking the question is proof you are ready for the answer. She never asked. She even had my phone number, found it in his cell phone, but never bothered to call and leave me a voicemail. I believe she didn't want to know. I even felt bad about this-her having my number and wondering who the heck it was. It must have driven her insane for a few weeks or months.

 

Then there is the stigma that if you drop the info on the unsuspecting BS you are looking for revenge for the MM dumping you or are trying to force him to make a choice...the 'Bunny Boiler' syndrome. It's just not my style to force anyone into anything nor is it my style to punish someone for choosing to end a R with me. Also, it isn't my style to kiss and tell after I end it with someone just because it is over.

[White Flower]

B4R, I'm like you. This happened in my family. A cousin (male) cheated on his wife, she committed suicide. Their two adult children , never spoke to their father again. He tried to connect with them many times and was filled with guilt. He died of cancer, they didn't attend his funeral. If my cousin(female) wanted revenge, she certainly got it. My cousin was a really good guy too.

Did anyone in your family say she was selfish in her act of suicide? Sure she got her revenge but she also robbed her children of a mother. And it appears they lost both parents that day, one was of choice.

[Dexter Morgan]

What if you are the BS and your WS's OP also has a BS and in the name of full disclosure you went to the OP's BS and spilled the beans and he/she commits suicide because of what you told him/her, how would you feel?

 

I'd feel bad.

 

But it is the actions of her WS and my WS that would be the cause....and fear that someone might kill themselves for informing them of the truth is irrational.

[Dexter Morgan]

Actually Im well acquinted with a situation like this in real life and its ironic, because I was just talking to my uncle's wife to see if she found my cell phone at their house

 

She was having an affair with my uncle and my godmother commited suicide and they ended up getting married

 

 

I don't think it bothered her much

 

Why am i not surprised?

 

 

The sad truth is everyone seems to like her much more than anyone liked my godmother

 

Which proves that the wool can be pulled over anyone's eyes...except the daughter in this situation.

[MizzBlue72]

I'm torn on this one, but I would support the MM and help him get through it if he wished. I do not think that I am responsible for the actions of others.

[NoIDidn't]

Did anyone in your family say she was selfish in her act of suicide? Sure she got her revenge but she also robbed her children of a mother. And it appears they lost both parents that day, one was of choice.

 

I can't agree that one was of choice. This MM engaged in an affair and the outcome hurt his W so much that she chose to end her life. Apparently her kids felt that their dad was the selfish one and left him on his own as a result.

 

I feel for everyone in this situation because it wasn't fair to the family for what they put him through, but his kids should have at least went to his funeral if they couldn't face him again in life.

 

We never know how much our actions hurt another. I don't think that suicide is a selfish act. I think it is the last cry for help, but no one is listening. So many people wish they would have done more to keep the person from feeling so alone. I think it takes a selfish person to see someone else's pain as selfish.

[bentnotbroken]

Did anyone in your family say she was selfish in her act of suicide? Sure she got her revenge but she also robbed her children of a mother. And it appears they lost both parents that day, one was of choice.

 

 

WF, you don't think that way. I felt the exact same way as you, until I was so deep in depression, there aren't many rational thoughts. Lack of sleep, not eating right, and the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness. All you can hear in your head are the things you did wrong, not the things you accomplished. I was so sure that I was so broken, that my children would be better off without me. I felt they deserved a chance at a great life and I was convinced that if I were around, they wouldn't get that chance.

 

They needed to be away from my influence since I couldn't control the thoughts are the outbursts. And with my insurance, they would have a great start at healing. At least those were the thoughts going through my mind. I didn't see it as selfish, I saw it as loving them enough to die for them to be better off.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm torn on this one, but I would support the MM and help him get through it if he wished. I do not think that I am responsible for the actions of others.

 

 

Even if their actions are a reaction to the actions that you have taken by being with a MM?

[RinClavin]

We never know how much our actions hurt another. I don't think that suicide is a selfish act. I think it is the last cry for help, but no one is listening. So many people wish they would have done more to keep the person from feeling so alone. I think it takes a selfish person to see someone else's pain as selfish.

 

I think this is an interesting sentiment. I agree with much of it. We will never know exactly how much we hurt someone. And I agree that anyone that resorts to suicide is in a lot of pain. But I differ in my thinking in that someone's pain doesn't change the ultimate fact that their actions are selfish. It has nothing to do with blame...

 

IMO the circumstances are just that... circumstances. And the choices built upon those circumstances are also just that... choices. I apply this thinking to all choices. A man may decides to cheat on his wife because he feels miserable in his marriage and is seeking validation in another woman. His bad marriage, his need for validation and the OW's willingness to engage with him were circumstances and they influenced him heavily. But his choice to start an affair was his choice.

 

A wife may decide to commit suicide because she feel her whole life crumbled when she found out about an affiar. The affair and the pain were the circumstance that she built her choice to take her life on.

 

It doesn't have to do with blame or fault. Nobody (and I mean that) is responsible for the choices. Even my messed up childhood isn't holding a gun to my head and causing me to make choices. It's simply an influence.

 

ETA

I just wanted to add that I've certainly dealt with depression, and I've certainly contemplated suicide. There are dark times, and it's in those times that it is ESPECIALLY important to own your own actions. Are we so incapable if independent thought that we must become reactional to the point of ending our life? This can never be someone else's fault... even if they destroyed everything we loved single handed... out decision to give up would be our own.

 

It's that pity party that we hold for ourselves on lonely nights that tell us "they'd be better off without me... they don't really love me... they won't miss me until I'm gone". That's all just twisted thinking. And words that you're feeding yourself so you don't have admit that these decisions lie on your own shoulders. It has so much less to do with the circumstances that people have created for you and so much more to do with yourself.

[NoIDidn't]

ETA

I just wanted to add that I've certainly dealt with depression, and I've certainly contemplated suicide. There are dark times, and it's in those times that it is ESPECIALLY important to own your own actions. Are we so incapable if independent thought that we must become reactional to the point of ending our life? This can never be someone else's fault... even if they destroyed everything we loved single handed... out decision to give up would be our own.

 

It's that pity party that we hold for ourselves on lonely nights that tell us "they'd be better off without me... they don't really love me... they won't miss me until I'm gone". That's all just twisted thinking. And words that you're feeding yourself so you don't have admit that these decisions lie on your own shoulders. It has so much less to do with the circumstances that people have created for you and so much more to do with yourself.

 

Oh, I'm not disagreeing with you here. It IS twisted thinking. But I have to put blame on the married partner that left the other hanging.

 

I can't say that I've ever contemplated suicide (seriously, anyway). But my H told me when he saw how hurt I was over his EA, that he deeply regretted causing a person, who he knew had dealt with many HUGE disappointments in life, more pain.

 

The ones that commit suicide were likely emotionally abandoned by the cheating spouse (and probably everyone they felt was important in their lives) in some way. Like they felt they had noone to turn to. It may not have been true, but they likely perceived it as such.

 

My great-gran killed herself after my great-grandpa died of a heartattack. She was ostracized by her family for marrying him to begin with, so she probably felt alone with three kids to take care of and no one to care about her. This was during the Great Depression, so the circumstances were likely dire in her mind.

 

I don't judge people for suicide. In some cultures, its considered an honorable thing to do. In Western cultures, though, its mostly considered a sort of cowardice. And that's unfortunate. Most suicides can be prevented if people actually meant it when they ask "how are you?".

[Lizzie60]

Most suicides can be prevented if people actually meant it when they ask "how are you?".

 

I'll have to disagree with this... I did 3 very serious attempts.. and it's not selfishness, cowardice.. or anything like that.. it's a deep deep depression that makes us not think or act responsibly... we're just not ourselves anymore.... we're like a totally different, new person... Depression completely changes someone..

 

I had great friends.. good family... a perfect bf (at the time)... a lot of people who were genuinely caring for me.. but nonetheless.. I thought I had no reason to live.. and, unlike many people.. no one would have doubted that I was going to kill myself.. I was making tremendous efforts to hide my plans.. (which were, by the way, meticulously thought and planned months ahead)...