confused-need advice

[Mike]

Without going into my whole story, I will just say this.

 

I am 29, was married for 3 years to a woman 9 years older than myself, and more or less left my wife because I felt something was missing. That feeling of being with someone whom you want to hold hands with, hug, kiss, etc. Not just be buddies with. I just felt uncomfortable being physical with her, and I think I still do.

 

I have been dating a woman my own age for over a year now, whom I think I love very much and feel there is that "spark" in the relationship, however I am still not legally divorced, and still see my wife on a friends level. She still wants me to come back to her, and I do care very deeply for her. I love her on a different level than the woman I am dating, but I don't feel the physical nature of the relationship is there. Other than that we get along great and are very compatible.

 

I am at the end of my rope with this, and want to make a choice between one or the other, knowing someone is going to be hurt, has delayed this for too long. I know you might say follow your heart, but I do feel more safe, and comfortable with my wife. But is that enough????

[Tony T]

The sparks and fizz you feel with your girlfriend could last six more months or 60 years, there is no predicting. The greatest majority of people who get married feel fireworks on the day of their wedding and more than half get divorced, the majority with seven years.

 

Love is a feeling, sparks are a feeling, excitement is a feeling based on physical attraction. People gain weight, grow wrinkles, develop bad breath, have to use Viagra, find that not even Viagra works, need to have affairs, become religious freaks, undergo all kinds of changes. Love is a gamble.

 

If this new lady is someone you feel you could eventually be good buddies or friends with as time files down on the libido, if there is caring, desire for commitment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children, money (how to save/spend), respect for each other's religious beliefs, a spirit of forgiveness, openmindedness, etc. etc., go forward with your divorce.

 

You are obviously not fulfilled in your marriage, although there are so many men who would truly love a woman who returned that love and made them feel content. Sex, passion, and excitement are a very important component of marriage to many people...and most absolutely desire or demand it. But there are many who realize that for them it didn't last and they wished so badly they had someone with them who was a great companion.

 

But the reality is that with the arrival of kids, debts, work pressures, etc., a lot of work is required to keep passion alive.

 

I know you are in a serious quandary and I admire you not wanting to hurt your wife. But I do not think it's fair to keep her in a relationship where her partner (you) is not truly pleased and satisfied.

 

If you're looking for guarantees of happiness in your life, you won't find them on or off the Internet. You have to make your own happiness, with or without a wife, with or without passion and sex, and with or without Windows 98.

 

No matter what decision you make here, you will still be at the end of your rope because you will always have to live with your decision and I know you are one to take these kinds of matters very seriously, or you wouldn't be here.