crush on friend

[dave22]

I have had a crush on a friend for a while now and a few days ago told her how I felt. She told me that there are just too many uncertainties in her life now and she would prefer to be friends and see what happens later. I had been kind of expecting this answer as I know she is quite focused on her career right now and she doesn't want to miss any opportunities that may require her to move elsewhere.

 

My problem is that she is a fantastic friend and I do not want to lose that. At the same time I know she does want to settle down sometime and I don't want to give up on the idea that it could work out later. But I don't think I can continue on hoping something might happen when I know there is a good chance it may not.

 

I am sure I can get over her and continue to be good friends but I don't know if I can do it if I am still hoping something could happen later. How can I do this?

[WTRanger]

I agree with evampr18 100%. I used to believe that maybe the whole "life's too complicated" excuse was valid, but I think now I'm seeing the light.

 

Yes, life can be complicated during a phase where it's not best to start a relationship, but at the same time the other person would at least want to start the process and just let it slowly develop. Sort of taking it one step at a time, but you are both taking steps towards a serious relationship.

 

It's a hard spot for you, but you've got to go meet other people. Who knows what the future holds, but you can't wait around to find out. You could end up waiting your entire life for something that will never happen.

[dave22]

Thanks for the replies. I do agree with both of you. It is a complicated situation, though. We are both from different parts of the world and she is under a lot of pressure to be successful in her career. There is a good chance we could be living closer together in the future, but none of that is certain. Anyways, I guess I just need some time to think this through.

[WTRanger]

By no means dump this person out of your life. But you have to try as hard as you can to get out there and meet other girls in the meantime. You can't wait around for her timing, as it may never happen.

 

The "it's too complicated in my life/career" line is 50/50. Sometimes it's the truth, but sometimes it's an easy cop-out for someone to say instead of telling you the truth. I was strung along for 3 months with that line and zero progress was made. Finally I gave up. I still talk to the girl, barely. But you can say that we are still friends. I just have put some distance between us because I finally saw the futility in trying to pursue something that was just a mirage.

 

Now I know 3 months isn't enough time to change the life complications but when I mean she gave me zero progress, I mean zero progress. She wouldn't even talk about it on the fact that her life was dominating her. That to me, total freakin' cop-out. I don't have time for that anymore. I'm keeping her on the back shelf, but now I'm actively out looking for someone who can actually reciprocate those feelings.

 

It sucked at first to sort of push this person out of my life, this person I thought I cared so much about. But now that I'm actually starting to meet girls that can have open and honest conversations with me, it's a great feeling and it has helped immensely to sort of calm down my feelings for the first girl who refused to make time in her "busy" life to even at least give me an honest talk.

[dave22]

That really sucks that she wouldn't even take the time to have an honest conversation with you. At least this girl has always been honest with me, as far as I can tell. In fact I do feel that I can talk to her about pretty much anything and I think she feels the same way about me. Its one reason why I am sure we will remain good friends, whether it ever develops to be more or not. Actually in the last few days since I talked to her I am seeing her less and less as a potential girlfriend and more and more as just a very good friend. Perhaps that is all this was meant to be and I'm pretty much fine with that.

 

In your case I would say if she doesn't have time to discuss this with you she isn't really a very good friend. You are probably right to find other people to spend your time with.

[WTRanger]

If she is honest with you, than that's a good sign. I think you two will at least be good friends as it sounds like you've got a good foundation already in place. Really, who knows what will happen in the future? Maybe on day she'll see the light.

 

The more you can push your feelings for her into storage, the better. It's not an overnight thing for sure. Support her as a friend but you'll need to catch yourself before you step into almost-boyfriend territory. Where she'll use you for everything that a boyfriend would do, with little commitment or return on her end.

 

The girl in my case, I know now that she's a good time friend. She'll be there when times are good, but when you need her support she runs away every time. She's also a say one thing, do the exact opposite type of person. I've finally learned to trust her actions and not her words and I'm finally seeing her for who she really is. I'm seeing if I can go 100 days with no contact. As a test of the friendship. I seemingly was always the one initiating the contact. She'd have no problem replying, but rarely did she start the contact. Unless of course she needed something.

[Antje]

You can support her as a friend.....

[Adalgiso]

If you like your friend and ask about you directly.

If you do not want to lose that so you can contact directly.

Otherwise there is ego you and her.