Tick Tock, Tick Tock, I'm on the clock!!

[allan131]

I need some help.

 

I met this girl in a different state.... on a night out on the town, and we hit it off. (She as well was out of state.) I'll spare the details, but we had a great time while we were together and exchanged numbers and went our different directions. We've kept in touch since this point (about a month and half ago,) and I even went and visited her since this first meeting. We've really connected in a lot of ways, and we're really both good for each other. She has a lot of pros that brings out my strengths, and really likes me for me (and I can be a big pain in the butt sometimes.)

 

She wants me to move down with her. (about 2000 miles away!) and ever since i visited her, she's been wanting me to move down there ASAP. Her personality type is, "just do it" and my personality type is "play it safe." Which works when we're together, but she's been beggin me to move down there, and i keep saying maybe, or no (then we argue,) or yes to just move on with life (which has backfired, because I agreed to move down there already, and passed the due date i was going to move. Which she's really been putting on the pressure, and feel guilty for. )

 

I really want to pursue this relationship, and see if it has potential... but i'm really scared to move down there. She's being understanding, but very pressuring at the same time. Unfortunately, due to the economy, i've been laid off and had to move in to my brother's place, so there isn't really anything thats keeping me from moving, except some of my friends and family who all live near me now and are important to me. But another part of me, has always wanted to move away, and this could be my chance.

 

Why am I being hesitate?

How can I get her to back off a little on the pressuring, or should i just go with it?

The whole situation has really put my head in a blender, and I really don't know how I feel about the whole situation.

 

If you have any questions, please ask and I'll try and add any info, if I can.

 

Thanks

[Cherished]

I think since you are having doubts, you should not do it. You should not move in with someone and make a huge change unless you are 100% she is the one.

[amaysngrace]

Just go. If it doesn't work out you can always move back but if you don't go you may regret it so just go.

[allan131]

Well i am having some doubts. She has 2 kids. I'm still fairly young (mid-late 20's.) Not sure if I want a kid in my life, even if it's half time. Ugh.

[amaysngrace]

Well i am having some doubts. She has 2 kids. I'm still fairly young (mid-late 20's.) Not sure if I want a kid in my life, even if it's half time. Ugh.

 

Then don't go. It's not a good thing to bring someone she barely knows around her kids. That's a bad sign.

 

And that she wants it all to happen so quickly is another bad sign.

 

She sounds unstable. How long have you two known each other?

[allan131]

Then don't go. It's not a good thing to bring someone she barely knows around her kids. That's a bad sign.

 

And that she wants it all to happen so quickly is another bad sign.

 

She sounds unstable. How long have you two known each other?

 

month and a half.

[amaysngrace]

month and a half.

 

That's soon in my opinion. It's like she already has this whole life and is looking for you to join in.

 

Instant family...just add water. Next thing you know she'll be pregnant with your baby.

 

Don't do it.

[Frankie.]

Talk a bit about it, if it sounds alright give it a trial for 1-3 months? Like you said, you're in your early 20s. What's a few months and a bit of experience?

[KikiW]

For someone who has two children she is moving pretty fast. I waited about 4 months before even introducing my LDR as a "friend" from out of town to my daughter, and she STILL doesn't know that my relationship with him is romantic and we've been together for about 10 months (although we are very close to letting the cat out of the bag at this point).

 

You do need to have a talk with her. Tell her you understand she is a "seat of her pants" kind of person, but you prefer to take things a little slower. How old are the kids? Tell her the last thing you want to do is mess with her kids' heads - "here's mommy's boyfriend! didn't work out? oh there he goes!" - you should get some time to spend time with them and get to know them, really figure out how they perceive you, how they react to you. Children are adaptable, but they learn about life by what goes on around them. Does she want to teach her children to jump into relationships fast without allowing them to develop a nice solid foundation? That's quite a disservice she is doing to them.

 

Yes, I think you definitely have the opportunity to make the move, being without a job and all, and if the situation didn't work out I would bet your family would help you return, but it's the fact that she has kids and wants to move so fast that makes me nervous. It sounds like she is looking to create that family unit as fast as possible.

 

You definitely need to talk to her about this and think it all through.

[allan131]

You asked how old the kids are.

 

There is a 5 year old, and a 1 year old. She doesn't see the 5 year old. She had him when she was 18, and the father kinda snatched him away and doesn't let her see him hardly ever and there is still battling over him in court. She had another one with another guy, who she eventually broke it off with him because apparently he was being a jerk.

 

She keeps talking about this big dreams and going to other countries and doing this and that, which require months of commitment, yet she has two kids, who'd she be away from. If i'm put in that situation, I want was is best for the kids. Thats just the kind of guy I am. They're impressionable, and I may not want to be their father per se, but I will want to be a role model to them, and not be the guy who "steals his mother away."

 

Also, it's impossible to end a phone conversation with her, without me giving her a yes answer to me moving and a date. It's forcing me to lie, and I'm not a liar. She's had bad experiences with ex's of old, saying they were going to move down and be with her, and never did, so she's holding me to the same standards.

 

There's too many red flags, and not just worth the risk, right?

[KikiW]

OMG yes, too many red flags.

 

Quite frankly, if she is willing to entertain thoughts of leaving at least one of her children to go to another country, then you would be in for one wild and very bumpy ride before you were finally done with her.

 

From everything you said, i am actually glad the older one is with his dad.

 

It sounds to me like she is desperate for a relationship, but has no idea how to have one. This is way too much too soon, especially if you are seeing the red flags for yourself - usually people are blinded to them at least for a while because of how infatuated they are.

 

It doesn't feel right, because it isn't right.

[calazhage]

Dude run.. She most likely sees you as a willing guy to take care of her family..Don't be a fool.. Find a nice girl with no kids.

 

That's exactly why she is in such a hurry forcing you. It isn't you..Most likely she did this with many guys, and she is tired of being strung along and then no commitment. So she is just trying to shorten the process.

[mark982]

nothing against women who have kids. but this ones moving WAY to fast. she's got something up her sleeve,just not sure what it is. trust what your guts are telling you. christ you two don't even know each other. anyway you can find out who the ex is that has the kid? he might give you some insite.

[allan131]

So I tried breaking up with her last night. She said no. I tried to tell her how I felt. She said no. She said the only way I can break up with her, is if I drive 2000 miles and do it to her in person. Then we can spend 1 week together and have her remember us for the good times we had together, and after that she'll let me go home and we can be officially broken up.

 

She called me today and said i have to leave today to go see her. She says she can't eat or sleep or study for her college finals. She needs this. And of course I feel guilty, and I can only end the phone conversation by hanging up or saying yes i'm going. Part of me wants to go (hey, i'm a guy and the physical stuff with her is great) but part of me is like, drive that far just to break up with her? How am I suppose to handle this?

[bean1]

There is a 5 year old, and a 1 year old. She doesn't see the 5 year old. She had him when she was 18, and the father kinda snatched him away and doesn't let her see him hardly ever and there is still battling over him in court.

 

Sorry, this one made me laugh. He snatched him away? I see you've already tried breaking up with her so I'll assume that you see through that one. There is a reason this man has the child and the courts won't award her custody - she is an unfit mother.

 

You seem like a nice guy but you are being played for a fool. Drive 2000 miles to break up with her? Hang up on her. Tell her to piss off.

 

Look, she is willing to let a STRANGER (you are a stranger, really) move in with her young child? What if you had a child with her and you are daddy #3 - how would you feel if you broke up and some strange man moved in with your child? The judgement is beyond foolish here.

[TaraMaiden]

Listen, the thing you should really now do, is follow with your actions, to suit your words.

You have broken up with her. of course you have.

Just because she refuses to accept it, does not mean it is not so.

You HAVE broken up with her.

Now, do what so many people advise on this forum.

Eliminate and terminate all contact with her.

 

She is trying to control you, because she cannot control her own life.

What we cannot adequately control in ourselves, we try instead to control outside.

She believes that by controlling you, she will have everything she wants, to go her way, for ever.

 

refuse her calls and do not ever respond to her at all, because if you permit yourself to do so, you are enabling her control over you.

She is a maniac.

drop this, instantly.

[Island Girl]

So I tried breaking up with her last night. She said no. I tried to tell her how I felt. She said no. She said the only way I can break up with her, is if I drive 2000 miles and do it to her in person.

 

This is hilarious.

 

You can break up with her in any fashion you want. She can say "no" all she wants. It doesn't change the fact that it is still O-V-E-R.

 

Then we can spend 1 week together and have her remember us for the good times we had together, and after that she'll let me go home and we can be officially broken up.

 

It is "official" no matter what.

 

It is official even if you told her nothing and dropped off the face of the planet. But that is a douche move.

 

As it is you have told her it is over. So it IS over.

 

You owe her nothing.

 

She called me today and said i have to leave today to go see her. She says she can't eat or sleep or study for her college finals. She needs this. And of course I feel guilty, and I can only end the phone conversation by hanging up or saying yes i'm going. Part of me wants to go (hey, i'm a guy and the physical stuff with her is great) but part of me is like, drive that far just to break up with her? How am I suppose to handle this?

 

You are supposed to quit being manipulated and realize you have told her it is over.

 

You owe her NOTHING.

 

And if she has issues with it being over those are HER issues. Do not make them your problem.

 

Your guilt is your problem and you should deal with that pronto. You are a prime target for manipulative nutty girls who will get into your head and scramble your brain.

 

This girl is one of those.

 

Get a grip on yourself.

[KikiW]

Don't you DARE go to her. It's just a ploy to trap you. I wouldn't be surprised if she got "accidentally" pregnant, too.

 

Use your head, dude. No not that one. ;P

[D-Lish]

You broke up with her and she said "no"?

You aren't allowed to end it with her unless you drive 2000 miles to do it? Well then- better drop everything you're doing and hit the road.

[TaraMaiden]

D-Lish, you should not say that. Unfortunately, he seems that with his guilt and temperament to be the person who might just do this, and quickly.

 

No, no no. If you have told her that you have broken up with her, then you are no longer in a relationship with her. She is not your girlfriend. her issues are not your issues.

So she cannot concentrate on anything? (sleep, college)? How sad, but you are not responsible for this.

be responsible for your thoughts, words and actions. Be dignified and respect yourself. At the moment, you appear like a walkover.

please, just terminate even thinking about this woman.

[allan131]

I wouldn't be surprised if she got "accidentally" pregnant, too.

 

Yes, I was worried about the same thing. Which is why I said no! She says she's pro-choice, she says she's on the pill, but yet she has two kids...

 

D-Lish, you should not say that. Unfortunately, he seems that with his guilt and temperament to be the person who might just do this, and quickly.

 

I KNOW!! You guys pegged my personality really well. I'm very rarely the one who breaks off a relationship. Which I'm definitely TRYING to grow out of. In fairy tales, it's romantic to find someone in life whose willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship to work, but in reality, it only works when two people are meant for each other. I also have a bad habit of being the "hero" and wanting to save the girl. My list of ex's include girls with alcoholic dads, or lost their mothers when they were young, or had children young, or mentally or physically abused by their parents. While I have the exact opposite up bringing, and part of me wants to "share the wealth."

 

To sum me up in a sentence, I don't like breaking hearts, I just like to fix'em. And I thank you all for the help and the advice. I think I already knew the answer, saw the red flags, but I just needed the reassurance that this was the right thing to do.

 

p.s. And I know I made some of you laugh (after the drive 2000 miles, just to break up with her [it made me laugh too,]) but you're lucky I wasn't totally head over heals for this girl!!! or else, it'd probably piss me off. Just a tip in advance.

 

p.s.s. if anyone knows some really sweet and nice mid-20 year old, cute, smart girls, who live in the upper midwest, let me know.

[KikiW]

p.s. And I know I made some of you laugh (after the drive 2000 miles, just to break up with her [it made me laugh too,]) but you're lucky I wasn't totally head over heals for this girl!!! or else, it'd probably piss me off. Just a tip in advance.

 

I know some of us are more blunt than others, but it's really out of a sense of trying to get the people looking for advice to see it realistically - no one is doing it to be mean (well I am sure there are a couple of jacka$$es who are being less tactful just to be jacka$$es, but they are rare).

 

Glad you were able to take the comments the way they were meant. Believe me, I was really scared FOR you that we'd hear you had gone to her, gotten her knocked up and suckered into a shotgun wedding.

[Cherished]

Good job, you deserve to start fresh with someone without the baggage. You can afford to at your age.

Also, aren't you out of work for the moment? It is selfish of her to suggest you spend the $ to go see her 2000 miles away.

This relationship was simply not meant to be.

[LonelyTiger]

You sound like a very sweet guy who's just lacking in confidence and life experience.

 

Unless you want your life to be totally destroyed I would change your phone number and ignore any attempts this woman makes to contact you in future. She is very bad news.

 

If you say the relationship is over - then it's over!

 

It may take two to keep a relationship going but it only takes one to end it!

 

Find yourself a sweet young girl without any baggage who has your interests at heart not just her own.