Don't know how to handle my friend's possible interest in me

[tigressA]

Hi everyone; I'm new here and I would really appreciate some advice! I'm 22 and I've been in a serious relationship for nearly 18 months. I have a friend who I've known for nearly 3 years; we talk at least a few times a week and hang out when we can. Recently someone suggested that he's interested in me and now I'm feeling awkward.

 

I log all my online conversations and I've gone back through the ones with him. Some things he's said: "Hey, sexy mama", "What's up my fine beautiful long-legged friend", and even "Hey sweetie". "I do think you're quite attractive"; "You look amazing all the time." Other things: "It's not like I go out of my way not to be a jerk, you just bring it out of me for some reason"; "I wish you could come visit me, I'd love to have you". Regarding my relationship with my SO: "Sometimes I think you overreact a bit in your disagreements but it's okay, I'm sure you're worth it...you are something, that is certain"; "Remember that he's lucky to have you, not the other way around"; and he asks periodically how things are going with my SO. Other than online conversations: Whenever he spots me on campus he comes up and says hi/motions me over to where he is so I'll sit with him. When we're in a group he'll usually only talk to me.

 

I'm completely honest with my SO about whenever I hang out with my friend. I talked to him about it and my SO doesn't view my friend as a threat and he trusts me, which makes me love him more. Does it seem like he is interested? I wish I could go back to being blind to this but I can't. I just feel really awkward now. How should I deal with this?

[thegoodlife]

He could be interested, or he may just talk like that with close female friends. I naturally compliment all my friends/coworkers (both male and female) every time I see them, sometimes with comments similar to the ones you posted above. I have no romantic feelings towards any of them and I never cross a line, everyone knows that's just how I am and many of my friends have admitted I really brighten their day. I just see the good in everyone and try to make them see it too.

 

I don't suggest you ask him, as that will make things a lot more awkward. I say you just continue on with your friendship as it is. If you never even noticed/had an issue or felt awkward with the context of your conversations and the friendship before, then don't let it be an issue now.

I guess if it continues to really bother you, you could simply ask him to tone it down with the flirty comments, he seems like a good enough friend he would understand. But I think the issue is really only as big as you make it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Some things he's said: "Hey, sexy mama", "What's up my fine beautiful long-legged friend", and even "Hey sweetie". "I do think you're quite attractive"; "You look amazing all the time." Other things: "It's not like I go out of my way not to be a jerk, you just bring it out of me for some reason"; "I wish you could come visit me, I'd love to have you". Regarding my relationship with my SO: "Sometimes I think you overreact a bit in your disagreements but it's okay, I'm sure you're worth it...you are something, that is certain"; "Remember that he's lucky to have you, not the other way around"

 

I'm not sure how you could have mistaken this for anything other than interest. I'm not trying to be snide, but what exactly did you think when he would say stuff like this? Did you say similar stuff back?

 

You may want to read up on The Ladder Theory (do a google search on it, it will be the first link to pop up).

 

If you aren't interested, then the only way out is to end it altogether and stop talking to him. Honestly, there really is no other way out. Saying you don't want to go out with him won't change how he has felt all along, and keeping him around as a 'friend' will only complicate things further. He isn't in it for friends. I'm not entirely certain, given the things he has said and done why you would think otherwise.

[tigressA]

I didn't see it as interest because my friend has talked to me about a couple of other girls, in particular one who he's been interested in for awhile and I guess is planning on asking out at some point. But according to the Ladder Theory (which I did read up on, lol), apparently she may just be below me on his ladder. I've never said anything beyond "Thank you" or "I know" in response to his compliments, so it's not like I've blatantly encouraged him. My friend recently told me that his dad, who I met, raves about how I'm the prettiest, sweetest girl he's ever brought around and always says "You should date her, I don't know why you aren't dating her". My friend said he told his dad I'm taken but his dad just said, "You need to steal her, or you waited too long". One time we went on a hike and I took pictures; there's one of me mock-straddling a fallen tree. I put the pics up on my Facebook and my friend had commented saying "This was right before we got naked...(my SO's name)." My SO had commented back saying, "I wrote this after I put a hit out on you...(my friend's name)." He's never made a move on me; that's another reason I didn't think much of all this.

[WTRanger]

It sounds like you are hearing about his "interest" from only 3rd parties. What does this guy have to say? You need to hear about it from him and not the gossip lines. It sounds as if he's interested as indicated in his hints. In reality his is making moves on you, but they are subtle non-physical moves. They are the ones that are harder to see but he is 100% without a doubt making moves on you.

 

Do you think it's worth confronting him about it? Does his potential feelings weight that much on your conscience?

[tigressA]

Do you think it's worth confronting him about it? Does his potential feelings weight that much on your conscience?

 

Now that I'm aware of it I feel flattered to an extent; I admit that he's a decently attractive guy--I have fun with him when we hang out; we have common interests, but I feel weird about it. I've never dealt with a situation like this before and I don't know how he normally talks to girls he's interested in. I am uncomfortable about confronting him with this. You say I need to hear about his "interest" from him...how would I go about doing that?

[WTRanger]

The only way to hear it from him is to talk to him about it. Be blunt and direct. But if you are already in a relationship, I would highly suggest letting this one slide for a while. By bringing this up, you will no doubt create one awkward situation with really no good outcome possible.

[tigressA]

The only way to hear it from him is to talk to him about it. Be blunt and direct. But if you are already in a relationship, I would highly suggest letting this one slide for a while. By bringing this up, you will no doubt create one awkward situation with really no good outcome possible.

 

So, I was able to get him to admit it without confronting him. I engaged him in a friendly debate about the dynamic between guy-girl friendships. His argument was that regardless of an attraction, if it's not acted on, the friendship is platonic. He said, "For example. I think you are very attractive but our friendship is platonic. Neither of us have acted on any attraction." I just said, "Okay."

[Trialbyfire]

tigress, your "friend" is acting in a predatory manner. I get the feeling there's a part of you that's enjoying the flattery. I would shut him down.

[tigressA]

tigress, your "friend" is acting in a predatory manner. I get the feeling there's a part of you that's enjoying the flattery. I would shut him down.

 

I really don't agree with the use of the word "predatory" to describe his behavior. It seems harsh and exaggerated. I do admit that I'm flattered. The general consensus seems to be that he is attracted to and interested in me (he did admit to finding me very attractive), so I should shut him down. And since I do feel that my relationship is much more important than being flattered by a friend, I will shut him down.

[tigressA]

I decided to get it all out in the open and told my friend about something I had told my SO that had made him feel distrusting toward my friend. He said, "I do flirt. It's part of my nature. I flirt with every girl who is pretty. Tell him that and tell him it's also good practice." I came back with, "Okay, I figured (my SO's name) didn't have anything to worry about..."

 

He said, "I love you (guess that's in the friend sense) but I need a girl who can keep up with me athletically or make me keep up with her (he works out often and loves to go hiking/rock climbing; we've been on hikes together and teases me about how inexperienced I am, hah). Although if you ever feel the need to get naked in my presence I support that." He never said anything about respecting my relationship with my SO; he didn't volunteer to quit with the comments after I had suggested that my SO doesn't trust him, and he has previously admitted finding me attractive. So I think I can reasonably say he would have me if I let him. I'm going to tell him to back off.

[carhill]

He's just being a typical nondescript young guy. There's plenty who will wave their junk at anyone they fancy, relationship or not. He's doing a bit of reverse psychology and the male mind f*ck. Essentially, he's challenging you to be good enough for him but also leading you by validating your nakedness being acceptable, all of this in full context of your existing R with someone else.

 

He's not a friend

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, predator...

[tigressA]

He's just being a typical nondescript young guy. There's plenty who will wave their junk at anyone they fancy, relationship or not. He's doing a bit of reverse psychology and the male mind f*ck. Essentially, he's challenging you to be good enough for him but also leading you by validating your nakedness being acceptable, all of this in full context of your existing R with someone else.

 

He's not a friend

 

This sounds very plausible. He'll dispose of his morals in hopes of getting naked with anyone he deems attractive and, through challenging me, hopes that I'll dispose of my morals. But I won't. I have a boyfriend and I'm happy with him, so he'll have to look elsewhere. Problem solved.

[Citizen Erased]

This sounds very plausible. He'll dispose of his morals in hopes of getting naked with anyone he deems attractive and, through challenging me, hopes that I'll dispose of my morals. But I won't. I have a boyfriend and I'm happy with him, so he'll have to look elsewhere. Problem solved.

 

And you're still friends with him because...?

[Trialbyfire]

I do admit that I'm flattered.

 

And you're still friends with him because...?

She's getting external validation, so she'd like to keep the supply available.

[carhill]

The ego is an interesting and powerful force. I hope the OP finds a healthy balance

[tigressA]

And you're still friends with him because...?

 

I never said he is or isn't still my friend. And no, I don't see a problem with feeling flattered. I'd rather be flattered and flirted with than insulted or ignored. I'm just open and honest about it unlike others. Sure, I get plenty of validation from myself and my boyfriend, but in the face of getting it from others what am I going to say--"Oh, stop it"? Better to just accept it with a thank-you and move along, in my opinion. I haven't blatantly encouraged my friend--flirting back, etc. Though to guys like him, it would seem that continuing to talk to him and/or spend time with him is a form of encouragement, so I guess if I want it to stop because I know what he's really doing (re: mind-f*ck), then I need to stop talking to/hanging out with him. The only reason I don't want to do that is because like I'm fairly certain I already said, he's been a good friend to me before; we have fun conversations and fun times together. It's a bit difficult to embrace the need to let go of someone who I believed to be a close friend to me.

[carhill]

It's a bit difficult to embrace the need to let go of someone who I believed to be a close friend to me.

 

A close friend supports your relationship.

 

A close friend performs actions which indicate you are on their mind.

 

A close friend supports you and challenges you.

 

A close friend compliments you but does not flirt with you.

 

Do you see where this is going?

[Yamaha]

Let me ask you this.

If you didn't have a bf, and knowing he is interested, would you still want him to be just a friend or maybe more?

[tigressA]

A close friend supports your relationship.

 

There have been times when my boyfriend and I have had disagreements and, like I said in my first post, my friend will agree with the reason for the disagreement but say I overreacted a little, and he has always encouraged me to talk things out with my boyfriend and make sure we don't have any problems. He even helped me with thinking of Christmas gifts for my boyfriend and his family. Should all this not be seen as support and more as manipulation/challenge in the face of his flirtation with me? I don't know.

 

"A close friend supports you and challenges you."

 

He has supported me; I've gone through some heavy things in the last couple of years and he's always been around to talk to--of course, my boyfriend is the only one in my life who knows everything. He'll tell me if he thinks I'm overreacting and need to "man up". He's helped me to see the brighter side of life.

 

I think you're suggesting that he just isn't a close friend to me, but as stated above, he has done things to warrant that status, and that's why, as I said, it's difficult.

[carhill]

How much time does he spend with you and your BF? Do they get along?

 

My MO is a challenge, followed by digging. The answers aren't always as obvious as they might seem.

[tigressA]

Let me ask you this.

If you didn't have a bf, and knowing he is interested, would you still want him to be just a friend or maybe more?

 

I did previously admit to finding my friend reasonably attractive and I still do, but I wouldn't want to date him. He doesn't have a lot of relationship experience--sometimes you have to wonder why someone who's attractive and outgoing doesn't get girls/guys, and usually it's something to do with their attitude--and hasn't shown me any characteristic, besides having common interests with me, that would make him desirable relationship material for me.

[tigressA]

How much time does he spend with you and your BF? Do they get along?

 

My MO is a challenge, followed by digging. The answers aren't always as obvious as they might seem.

 

It's rare that my friend spends time with both my boyfriend and me at the same time, and usually my friend is talking to me and not my boyfriend. I don't know of any time that they've really interacted with each other without me around. I know my friend didn't like my boyfriend at first, but one day he told me, "(My BF's name) has turned into a really good guy. I like him now; I didn't at all before. I think you've made him a better person." I don't think my boyfriend really likes my friend at all. Usually if I ever mention him my boyfriend tenses up a little and doesn't say much, kind of mumbles/grumbles.

[carhill]

You might have disparate emotional setpoints in your males here. Tell me, when your friend and your BF are together (with you in the same room) do you get the sense that your BF changes somewhat, like he becomes territorial or dominant? If yes, do you note this behavior at other times and, if so, when?