"i need space" after 4 months of separation

[purescorns]

dear all,

 

the road has gotten pretty bumpy between my boyfriend and me. in december 2008, after two months of a very intense relationship (we met a bar, hooked up two days later, and both said we wanted to go steady 3 days after) he went on a cruise ship as an entertainer. the distance really got to us. he didn't call very often, couldn't use the internet - and when our plan to get me on board for 2 weeks didn't work out (and i decided to meet him in singapore, phuket and dubai) things got really bad. he said he didn't want me to fly out to him, because he'd be stressed and bitchy and wouldn't have time for me and i would be miserable. i went through with it -- and he was right. we had already gotten too estranged to enjoy a 'reunion' of only a couple of hours. we met in singapore, there was no intimacy whatsoever and i cried like a baby and bitched like a mofo. i tried to meet him in phuket coupla days later, he couldn't get off the ship. we tried to meet in dubai, but his phone didn't work - he didn't know i was coming and wasn't on the ship when i got there. i waited for 3 hours until he was back and had 30 minutes to spare before he had to go to rehearsals. that trip almost broke us up, but he and i thought about it and came to the conclusion that we wanted to try to save our relationship once he was back.

 

now he's back and things are even worse. he had already told me on the phone before that he would need time - time to 'find himself' again, because he had never been alone on that ship for 4 friggin months. but 'alone time' isn't the only issue we have. when we met for the first time after our unfortunate reunions abroad, he didn't even kiss me. we hugged for ages, held hands, went to a concert together - and right after he told me he had to go see his family. (which i totally understand). of course, i couldn't let it go and asked why he didn't even want to kiss me. he said that he just couldn't be "lovey-dovey" with me right now. that he needed space. that he couldn't be the kind of boyfriend he used to be right now, because the ship really got to him. time alone and with his family was what he needed to 'recover'. and my being whiney, clingy and needy was destroying everything. and i mean, he's right --- his behavior has put me in a position i'm not comfortable with - normally i'm not the crazy type who'll get all obsessive and stalker-ish. but in the past few months, his (apparent) lack of care has caused me to put even more pressure on him. "let's go back to dating", he said. "let's take things slow. i'm sure we'll make it."

 

of course i asked him whether this was actually code for wanting to break up, he said no - he said he wanted to try really hard - because after all, we used to have a very special connection. you have to imagine, i'm talking about a guy who used to send me 10 texts a day with the cutest, cheesiest stuff. "i'll never leave you, wherever i may go. what we have is so special and i will fight like a lion for it". yeah right.

 

problem is, i have the feeling that i've already done so much for this guy. i have flown around the world for him (even though he didn't want me to, still, i think it's a very romantic gesture), i have waited for him, i didn't even look at other guys, i've put up with all his crap, the rare phone calls, the way he treated me in singapore, phuket and dubai... and now less than the bare minimum should be enough for me - at least for a while?

 

the other problem is... i really love this guy. i have waited 28 years to meet someone who'd sweep me off my feet the way he did. he is the love of my life. he can be so sweet, so caring, he's the hottest man on earth, so beautiful, one look is enough and i'm in heat ;-) --- the sex is AMAZING... or used to be... but now he didn't come home in one piece. he's broken. sometimes i feel like i'm dealing with an ex-con or someone who'd been to iraq. it was a cruise ship, for f*s sakes, with old people, mambo lessons and crappy musical shows!!! but then of course, never being alone for 4 months can surely get to you.

 

i'm seriously considering a break up, but just the thought of doing so kills me. i love him so much --- and i know that deep down he loves me too. otherwise he would already have ended it.

 

no contact for me now ? at least for a while? or should i give him even more space than he needs and leave? this is killing me - and i haven't cried that much in years.

 

--- oh, and a note for all you kind people who're gonna answer to this... please don't refer to him as '*******', 'total jerk' ... only i am allowed to do so ;-)

 

xxxpurescornsxxx

[Bearandsue]

Well I wont say he is a "total jerk" but I will say he is a complete A-hole. Or at least sound like one.......sorry;)

 

 

I think it is very hard to be in a LDR without a good foundation and having set out exactly what is required from each other, i.e communication needs, long term goals, that sort of thing. It is next to impossible to make it work without those things.

 

 

 

"i'm seriously considering a break up, but just the thought of doing so kills me. i love him so much --- and i know that deep down he loves me too. otherwise he would already have ended it."

 

I think if you have to know "deep down" that someone loves you, then that says it all.

 

I don't think you should call him at all. Leave him alone let him sort himself out. To me it doesn't seem as if this is someone who wants to be in a relationship.

[Lucky_One]

Sounds like he had a ship romance, either a serious one with another employee, or several of them with passengers.

 

Guys don't come back from being gone for 4 months and not want to kiss someone that they say they love. NEVER happens.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would consider a break up for your sake and sanity.

[mark982]

he don't want a relationship w/ you, but he's too much of a p#ssy to tell you.you're wasting your time(and $$) chasing him.

[Island Girl]

I am so sorry.

 

I realize you have been hanging on to this and those visits were costly both financially and emotionally.

 

You were putting in a whole lot of effort when he wasn't - no matter what the excuses. And believe me they were excuses.

 

The big question is why the excuses. But the answer to that really doesn't matter.

 

All that does matter is that you have been putting in more and more effort while he has done just about nothing.

 

And now he wants to do even less.

 

None of this should be acceptable to you.

 

Do not get stuck remember what it used to be.

Think about what it is NOW.

 

Recently it has been a completely one sided relationship and now he has shut it down.

 

The best thing you can do is not contact him. Regroup and get your head back to thinking about yourself ONLY.

You have been accepting so little effort for so long that you are now stuck in a cycle wanting to hang on at any cost.

 

You should never accept crumbs. You certainly should not put your life on hold.

 

It is difficult but you must accept at this point that it is over. Move forward with your life.

 

IF the relationship ever gets rekindled you should see a massive amount of effort on his side because he has A LOT to prove to you about being a stable and faithful partner that will not just cut and run.

 

He has shown himself to be unreliable and that in the face of issues (whether personal or otherwise) he isn't going to stay and work things out.

 

Those things are what you should be looking for in any potential partner.